The League of Certified Buffalos

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[justferdabuffalos]

My Summer Job Options

This summer I was offered two job options, both of which were pretty sweet. I chose the second one, however, because it gave me Fridays off. Now, most people would have made this decision to give them a nice, long, three-day weekend at the beach, or camping with friends. Or maybe snuggled up at home with a good book and some tea, living like recluse. Maybe some people would choose it because of their outdoor hobbies in the summer. 

Me? 

Well, I chose it because it gave me the biggest and best window each week to go out, get hammered, find some decent summertime dudes and (eventually) get laid. 

Do my drinking and banging habits make me a bad person? Not really. 

Does the fact that I was kind of working for my father and somewhat used him to get my sexy fridays off make me kind of a sleeze? Yeah, probably. 

But hey, bitches gotta do what bitches gotta do. 

See all you sloots in Hell, 

Queen Of The Night

[justferdabuffalos]

Psh, MOMS! Am I Right?

A conversation I have with my mother every day before work: 

Me: "Mom, does this look okay?"

Mom: "NO! You can't wear that to work!"

Me: "STOP OVER-SEXUALIZING ME! THIS IS THE WAY MY BODY LOOKS!!!"

Mom: "... Fine, whatever. It looks great."

On another note, I just got a raise for no reason. Huh. 

Anyway, see you sloots in Hell, 

Queen Of The Night

[justferdabuffalos]

Saturday Night

So on saturday night I met up with a Tinder boy because YOLO

we ended up making out in the back of his car. 

After the PG rated fun he told me he was a virgin.

WHAT?

I cannot have this guys virginity on my conscious, no way. So I got out of there as quick as I politely could.

Counting down the days until the real hookup stories

#TheyLiveTogether

[justferdabuffalos]

Ten Things To NEVER Say To Your Girl

Yeah, there are hundreds of things you should never say to your girl, let’s put that out there before anything else. And I’ll be the first to say that sometimes people–especially the dudes–have slip ups. Yeah, we get it: Guys and chicks are essentially different species. But hey, that’s what I’m here to help you with. So, without further ado, here’s the magical list–study it closely, gents:

“Are you sure you want to wear that?” — Yes, actually. I’m positive. I probably spent a while picking this out, and if I didn’t, then there’s definitely something else wrong. You should ask me about that, instead. If you don’t think I look amazing when you know that I put work into it, or at least when you know that I always want to look good for you, then fuck you. That is all.

“I don’t like your friends.” — That’s too damn bad. Those girls are my lifeline, and I’ve loved them for much longer than I’ve even known you. If you have a problem with my friends, it’s probably in your best interest to keep that to yourself, because you really ought to know who I’d pick if I had to.

“Your friend is hot.” — Just no.

“Who are you texting?” — Don’t even go there. If you think that I’d be wheeling other dudes while we’re together, then you shouldn’t even be with me in the first place. This is a trust thing. If you need to ask, then you don’t trust me.

“You have too many shoes.” — Just fuck off.

“Suck on my balls.” — Nope. Stop while you’re ahead. If you’ve already got me in bed, and I’m already down there then I’m going to be doing things that I’m comfortable with. If I don’t do this on my own, then I probably won’t do this at all. If you ask, I might vomit. And that’s a mess that nobody wants to deal with.

“Maybe later.” — Yeah, I’ll just check my schedu–oops, sorry, I’m busy then. Looks like I’ve got an appointment with that hot dude from work. You snooze you lose, dear. Turns out that I don’t really want to wait around for you, just as much as you don’t want to be with me right now.

“Are you okay with that?” — Honey, if you have to ask this about something, chances are that my reply will be “do what you want” with an ominous, underlying “motherfucker” somewhere in there too. Don’t think that you can walk all over me just because you asked first. If you’re too dumb to figure this out, I hope you’re not too dumb to find the door.

“Do you want to try anal?” — If you try it on yourself first, then sure. (That’s a blatant lie. I’m not doing anal with you. If you actually did it first, I’d laugh, put my clothes back on, probably steal $5 from your wallet on the way out, and go get ice cream alone.)

“Can’t you just cancel your plans?” — Yeah, I’ll cancel my plans. I’ll cancel every plan that I’ve made with you, and move on because I don’t need you interfering with my life.

There you guys go. Study this list. Keep a print out in your wallet and use it for reference. I don’t care. Just as long as you know ‘em and you understand ‘em. Girls–2/10 of these apply to you too

See all you sloots in Hell, 

Queen Of The Night

[justferdabuffalos]

SUMMER

hey folks,

so it's officially summer. time to turn up, soak up some sun, flirt casually, and oh ya work 8 hours a day for a shittier than shittier wage. oh well, at least you'll be making some cash money flow, roll in the dough betch. 

Personally this summer i will be working on my ferda rating. however my ferda rating will depend on the amount of times i turn up and amount of times I'm with the girls (or dudes that are so friend zoned they are literally a part of "the girls"). a year of confusion and hormones has left me all dimmed out with no more dope-ness to give, so naturally i will do some care free chillin and avoid anyone who wants to soak up my sunshine for themselves. if you love the D R A M A you can wait till sept 1st, cause fuq you. 

But whether your summer will consist of you slammin some brews with your crew or dressing to the nines for a dime i wish you the chilliest and illest of summers, see you fuckers next year. 

-half streak

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Thought

Why can't everything in life just be free? We could have fun getting drunk and making love all day, every day. Shit would be groovy.

Think about it. 

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Advice

I hear that a couple of our buffalo friends are going on an exciting and enriching journey of abstinence this summer. To them, I say good luck and "What in the actual fuck is going through your head right now?"

But in all seriousness, I guess I should congratulate y'all for your dedication and wise decisions. And, as your sexually rampant and unrestrained slut-friend, I will give you some advice that may get you through. 

Save up and buy yourself a damn nice vibrator. Seriously. It doesn't even matter if you're abstinent, a bitch should own one of these babies. It takes the fact that we're all horny, curious, 'young adults' and makes it so that we can do all sorts of thigh-trembling things without leaving our own rooms and without letting anyone in. You can't even get diseases from these things. It's fool-proof. 

Oral doesn't count. If you can't stand wearing your proverbial chastity belt anymore and you NEED to have some sort of skin-on-skin action with a real-life boy (or girl, no judging), oral is an acceptable practice. Who says so, you may ask? I say so. This is coming from someone who spent six months of a serious relationship being "chaste" and insisting that mouth-penis/mouth-vagina contact was still considered abstinence. Because it is. Now go forth, and use your tongue for greatness. 

Anal does count. Don't do that shit. If you get to the point where you're thinking "Anal doesn't count as real sex, so I'd still be considered 'abstinent' afterward..." then you better just fucking break your rules and have normal sex. Seriously.

Don't tell guys that you're abstinent. They might think this is code word for "I have raging herpes" or "I have a tilted vagina" and they'll permanently friend-zone/quarantine you. Even if you are going without the D, they don't need to know that. Keep it mysterious, but without vaguely saying "I can't have sex this summer..." 

You're already not a virgin. We all know it just as well as you do. You might as well just fucking have sex. You're going to be craving the D, whether it's a stranger's, your ex-boyfriend's, or that new guy who keeps giving you the "I want to be inside you" eyes. Don't miss out on any great experiences that could lead to great stories, or even more great experiences. Be kind to yourself, your sexy hormones, and your depraved vagina.

Whatever your decision is, make sure you have a good damn time. That's what's important here. 

See you sloots in Hell,  

Queen Of The Night

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Thought

How many times do you have to fuck someone consecutively for it to be considered a 'thing'?

I feel like it varies in each situation.

#TheyLiveTogether

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Thought

Last night I met #QueenOfTheNight officially at Knoxvilles. It was awesome. We exchanged names and everything!

#TheyLiveTogether

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Advice Fer Da Boys

Hey boys, listen up. This one's for you.

(Ladies, feel free to read along, nod your head in agreement, and then grow the balls to tell your fornication friend about the following.)

There's this little thing in the foreplay world commonly known as "fingering". You may have heard of it. Here's a little advice to make the experience more pleasurable for both you and your little woman friend:

1. As much as we tell you to give it to us harder while doing the horizontal tango, the same does not necessarily go for when your digits are doing the doing. No one likes jackhammer fingers. 

2. Shit's sensitive down there. We know where you're at without you trying to force your way to China. Your pointers will never be as long as your pointer (hopefully). 

3. ...when was the last time you cut those fingernails? 

4. There's gotta be more to it then just the penetration. Don't make it seem like a chore, take some time and do a good job.

And last, but definitely not least:

5. Forget what you just read and use your goddamned mouth.  

Cha-cha real slow. 

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Advice

Having strong eyebrow game is an important factor in being successful in life. 

1. Don't let anyone tell you different because they are oh so wrong.

2. Don't take shit from anyone with bad eyebrows.

3. Invest in a good pair of tweezers, and know a lady you can call when things just can't be tamed anymore.

Because let me tell you, there is nothing better than seducing a man with just one raise of your perfect eyebrow.

Oh wait.

There is.

It's destroying a man with a single look. You all know which look i'm talking about.

and besides, when your brows look great, at least that is one thing you have going for you when the rest of your life is in the shitter.

Peace and blessings

#TheyLiveTogether

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Thought

Quenching the sexual tension between you and an ex >>

#BangItOut

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Thought

Writing my chemistry exam today was a lot like choking on a dick. 

I know you all know what that feels like.

The part that sucks the most (no pun intended) is that it will more likely than not happen again next semester, due to my failure to finish this time.

Sometimes she goes, this time she didn't.

#TheyLiveTogether

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Thought

Today is the last day of classes of my first year of university. 

Self reflection…….

Conclusion: Some ragrets.

#TheyLiveTogether

[justferdabuffalos]

Nothing kicks off a Monday better than having to civilly smile and wave at the dude you gave a dry handjob to. It's never not going to be awkward. He knows. You know. The whole freaking room might as well know. 

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Thought

Having sex during the day isn't weird. Good for you if you are gettin' it in before even the sun goes to bed, or right after it wakes up, whichever tickles your fancy. Maybe just keep it down a bit, for everyone's sake.

Sober sex is way better anyways

#TheyLiveTogether

[justferdabuffalos]

Buffalo Advice

There really shouldn’t be any shame in falling for a stupid line that a guy says to you. It’s hard to tell when they’re lying, I know. If anything, we should all bond over the fact that, one time or another, we’ve all probably gotten into bed with someone who’s lied to us. I took it upon myself to compile a short list of ones you should know, just in case they ever come up:

1. What he says: "Come cuddle, I just want to watch a movie."  

    What he means: "Come lay in my dirty bed. With no pants on. And cuddle. On my dick. While a Cheech and Chong movie plays in the background. Chaaaaa..."

2. What he says: "I've never told anyone this before..."

   What he means: "I've never told YOU this before..." 

    *Don't be surprised if, as he's telling you this "secret," he's slowly advancing his love-shaft-baby-maker closer to your mouth-hole. 

3. What he says: "I've only ever been with one other girl."

    What he means: "...Unless you count the 13 other girls that my bald-headed yogurt slinger has slung yogurt into. I wouldn't count them though, because....Chaaaaa..."

4. What he says: *Wink* "I may or may not have a horse-cock." *Wink* 

    What he means: "Okay, I may NOT, actually, but I know how pity-sex works, and my pen-sized pecker luh dat shit." *Wink*

5. What he says: "Do you know that you have a heart-shaped freckle on the back of your thigh?" 

   What he means: "You should get that shit checked out, but in the mean-time, I'll make you feel better about your birth defects with my doinker." 

6. What he says: "I won't tell anyone."

    What he means: "I'm too stupid to remember saying this, and also, you used my one-eyed trouser snake, for, like, sex and stuff. So, I'll probably tell my guy-friends. And whoever else I pass by in the next week or so. Chaaaa..."

7. What he says: "You're the most beautiful girl."

    What he means: "I was out of paper bags, so I'll just stare at the pillow instead. Also, I hope this condom doesn't break, I don't really think our genes should mix. Ya heard?" 

8. What he says: "I completely understand."

    What he means: "I see your lips moving, but all I can think about is cheeseburgers and you sucking my fuck-truck. Hey, maybe I could eat cheeseburgers while you do that. Deal?" 

9. What he says: "I can grow a beard!"

    What he means: "I can't actually grow a beard, but I know you're into them. Obviously if I could grow a beard, I'd have a fucking beard, idiot."

10. What he says: "I'm clean, I had an STI test last week!"

    What he means: "I probably don't have anything...There's no fucking way that I'm getting tested though--don't they stick something up my magic wand for that? Fuck that!" 

Ladies and fellow buffalo, there you have it. These ones are tricky, but at least now you know. A good rule to follow is that if he looks a bit constipated after saying something sweet/seductive/charming to you, he's probably lying. You might want to print this post out and carry it around for reference. Good luck, buffaloes!

See you sloots in Hell, 

Queen Of The Night