There really shouldn’t be any shame in falling for a stupid line that a guy says to you. It’s hard to tell when they’re lying, I know. If anything, we should all bond over the fact that, one time or another, we’ve all probably gotten into bed with someone who’s lied to us. I took it upon myself to compile a short list of ones you should know, just in case they ever come up:
1. What he says: "Come cuddle, I just want to watch a movie."
What he means: "Come lay in my dirty bed. With no pants on. And cuddle. On my dick. While a Cheech and Chong movie plays in the background. Chaaaaa..."
2. What he says: "I've never told anyone this before..."
What he means: "I've never told YOU this before..."
*Don't be surprised if, as he's telling you this "secret," he's slowly advancing his love-shaft-baby-maker closer to your mouth-hole.
3. What he says: "I've only ever been with one other girl."
What he means: "...Unless you count the 13 other girls that my bald-headed yogurt slinger has slung yogurt into. I wouldn't count them though, because....Chaaaaa..."
4. What he says: *Wink* "I may or may not have a horse-cock." *Wink*
What he means: "Okay, I may NOT, actually, but I know how pity-sex works, and my pen-sized pecker luh dat shit." *Wink*
5. What he says: "Do you know that you have a heart-shaped freckle on the back of your thigh?"
What he means: "You should get that shit checked out, but in the mean-time, I'll make you feel better about your birth defects with my doinker."
6. What he says: "I won't tell anyone."
What he means: "I'm too stupid to remember saying this, and also, you used my one-eyed trouser snake, for, like, sex and stuff. So, I'll probably tell my guy-friends. And whoever else I pass by in the next week or so. Chaaaa..."
7. What he says: "You're the most beautiful girl."
What he means: "I was out of paper bags, so I'll just stare at the pillow instead. Also, I hope this condom doesn't break, I don't really think our genes should mix. Ya heard?"
8. What he says: "I completely understand."
What he means: "I see your lips moving, but all I can think about is cheeseburgers and you sucking my fuck-truck. Hey, maybe I could eat cheeseburgers while you do that. Deal?"
9. What he says: "I can grow a beard!"
What he means: "I can't actually grow a beard, but I know you're into them. Obviously if I could grow a beard, I'd have a fucking beard, idiot."
10. What he says: "I'm clean, I had an STI test last week!"
What he means: "I probably don't have anything...There's no fucking way that I'm getting tested though--don't they stick something up my magic wand for that? Fuck that!"
Ladies and fellow buffalo, there you have it. These ones are tricky, but at least now you know. A good rule to follow is that if he looks a bit constipated after saying something sweet/seductive/charming to you, he's probably lying. You might want to print this post out and carry it around for reference. Good luck, buffaloes!