[justhardtosay]

Hey,

I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of two years. While she was in med school, I was always there for her. She says that she has met someone in her school who she has really clicked with, and although nothing happened yet, she realized it wouldn't be fair to either of us to continue the relationship when she is having doubts and feeling more attracted to someone else. She wants to take a break and reevaluate things in three months.

She also says that she doesn't know how she is going to feel in the future. I was her first serious relationship, so I understand she might want to explore other options. At the same time I think about how good we are together and don't understand her decision. I feel very crushed and can't stop thinking about how I could have made this work. Am I wrong to think that some time apart could make her realize what we have?

Andrew B.

Dear Andrew,

 There is only one possible way to regain a woman's interest when you have lost it, and that is by dating a more impressive woman and flaunting it before her very eyes. This strategy has worked throughout history - remember when Rachel on Friends was jealous of that British girl Emily even though Em was a personality b-minus? Ross unwittingly woke a dragon.

You need to start showing this young female Doogie Howser that you have moved on extremely quickly and that women desire you.  Post pics of your new relationship on every social media. If you cannot find a woman, hire someone to play a credible stand-in. This ruse will drive your ex crazy.

In addition, immediately after doing this, call up your ex and be like, "I met someone else. I'm sorry. What we had was great, but I'm too much of an alpha male to ever wait in the wings. My penis is shaped like a scimitar. Goodbye forever. I have had you, and now I move on to greener pastures." Then stroke a small dog (a Yorkshire terrier named Kale, perhaps?) and enter a helicopter.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

My boyfriend Tim wants to start roleplaying. I think we've always had a very satisfying sex life, and I think that dressing up would embarrass me - and that I wouldn't be able to get in the mood. How do I tell him thanks, but no?

Elena A.

Dear Elena,

Very few people want to actually dress up and portray characters or archetypes in the bedroom, although it was the foundational aspect of Andrew Sullivan's sex life in the 1990-2000 period. Usually someone will bring up this concept for a different reason.

"Roleplaying" is a way to introduce advanced sexual concepts under the guise of play. These concepts can include S&M fantasies, visions of being the host of Meet the Press, or you calling your boyfriend (Tim? WTF is he in third grade) something paternal/paternalistic or more rarely, maternal/maternalistic. Roleplaying doesn't always involve actual dressing up.

It's best to just cut to the chase and ask your boyfriend what he wants you to call him during sex. If he answers, "Sergey Brin," leave the country.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

My daughter recently became pregnant by her longtime boyfriend, Anthony. They decided that they should get married and had a bridal shower, bachelor party and a lovely wedding. The expense to our family was considerable, and even more so because my husband recently had to take a lower-paying job. Last month I found out from my daughter that her and Anthony had not actually gotten legally married in this ceremony. When I confronted her about this lie, she blew me off and told me that "marriage means different things to different people." Am I right to be upset?

Louisa F.

Dear Louisa,

No. The American Wedding Industry exists to take money from vulnerable, naive individuals such as yourself. Did you know that in some cultures, such as those of the Incans, a married couple was required to administer blow jobs to everyone who showed up at their nuptials? A gift bag was also provided.

You gave a gift of your own free will. If it was conditional on something, you should not have given it. If it bothers you that much, ask for your money back. You won't get it, but everyone will know you're an insanely gullible person whose devotion to cultural norms will only be eradicated through shock therapy or divorce.

Lately, people have been asking me a lot, "How do I know when it is the right time to marry my partner?" The answer is twofold:

1) when you can't imagine life without them

2) you ask them if they want to watch Scorpion, and they say, "What's that?" or "No."

[justhardtosay]

Hi, My friend Sheila is getting married in January to a guy she met on an online dating website. I haven't spent much time with them as a couple, but from what I have seen they get along really well and he's a genuinely nice person who cares a lot about Sheila. With that said, I have only socialized with both of them a handful of times.

Sheila recently approached me and confessed a number of hesitations about the wedding. She is worried that she and her fiancee don't have enough in common, and wonders if she is moving a bit too fast. I told her it was just cold feet, but she wants to talk to me about it again soon and I feel like I need a better answer for her. Do I blindly push her towards the altar or give credence to her concerns?

Teresa T.

Dear Teresa, I remember when I used to date online; like half my dates informed me with a straight face that they were taking improv classes. Marriage is a serious commitment, but moreso for a man than a woman, because Halle Berry is one of only twenty-five women in the entire country to pay child support. But seriously, Sheila can always get an annulment, unless she actually believes the death do us part bullshit. If she doesn't marry him, the relationship is pretty much over. There js no coming back from that, even if you explain to the groom that "you just need more time." Eminem was married once, and he seemed happier single. Some people are just afraid to be alone I guess. I would lie to your friend and tell her everything will be fine. If it does work out, you will be the heroine who encouraged Sheila at her darkest moment. And if it doesn't work out, you can be damn sure she will blame him and not you.

[justhardtosay]

Hi, I started using Tinder last week and it was my first time using the app. All my buddies rave about it as being the best app to meet girls, so I went for it. I went on a few dates with this one girl, and she seemed distant and uninterested, but would end up being an exuberant person via text. I have no interest in seeing her for the next date that we planned. I'm being honest with myself and don't see our relationship going anywhere. I want to express it to her in the most gentle way possible without being offensive. How should I approach this? Should I call her? The thing is, I don't want to hear the sound of her voice.  Kenny C.

Dear Kenny,

You didn't have a great time, yet you planned another date. What happened there? Did she insist upon it? Were you swayed by her superior texting skills? Did you just not want to let her down? If so, it might be worth exploring why you're so intent on saving face.

It's Tinder, for god's sake. It's not like you bumped into each other on the street and discovered you'd both been listening to the same Celine Dion hit, wondering if this could be the day you meet The One. No. You both used an app that allows people to hook up with one another based on their proximity and selfie skills. Don't make this into more than it was.

At this point, you don't owe her more than, "Thanks for meeting up with me last week, but I really don't see this going anywhere. BFFs?" Chances are she'll be like, "God I'm so glad I don't have to waste my superior texting skills on you for another minute, peasant." Poof. You're free.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

Bottom line, I'm with my girlfriend because she's overweight. Or at least, that's how we met. I'm attracted to women of her shape and size, and so was immediately drawn to her for that reason. But of course, in the time we've been dating, I've fallen in love with her for many other reasons. When people ask us how we met, or what attracted us to one another at first, it's awkward. I don't want to lie, but I also feel like the truth is unacceptable. Please help.

Alan B.

Dear Alan,

Acceptable or not, the truth will always be set free. You, my friend, need own up to your personal tastes with finesse. Not the type of finesse where you find yourself resembling Matthew McConaughey pounding his chest in front of Leonard DiCaprio, hair perfectly coiffed. 

Your significant other might suspect something is up if she finds out you've been hiding. Women are intuitive and know when things are awry. A myriad of problems will arise if you continue to clench your secret, which will ultimately ruin your chances of her ever putting out in addition to other things. For example, she'll stop crooning Natalie Imbruglia in your ear in her underwear. Your chances of her suggesting bottomless Sunday brunches are pretty much over.

You can't mask your insecurities with more lies. The relationship you two have built over time is something to be proud of. Accept your love for larger women with grace and eloquence. If not, then it's probably best to weep in the corner of a Barnes and Noble with a copy of The Surrendered by Chang-rae Lee.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

I recently met a guy who I will call Toby. Toby grew up in circumstances very different from my own, and has a very complicated relationship with two sets of parents - his adoptive parents, and his birth parents. Without boring you with a family history, both sets of parents come with their own foibles and nuances. Although neither is what I would call a destructive influence on Toby, the resulting time commitment from maintaining these complex relationships takes it toll. For example, one of his dads expects Toby to watch football with him all day Sunday, which seems asinine to me.

I think I am in love with this Toby, but the incredible amount of baggage the situation represents is immense now and only threatens to become moreso as things become serious. Toby has asked for my advice in dealing with this, but not only am I not sure what to say to him, I have little idea with how to deal with this myself or if I should just bail before things get worse. Thoughts?

Eliza H.

Dear Eliza,

Sounds like Toby's coming down with a classic case of the, "I'm a young adult who needs to learn how to create and enforce boundaries with my parents." You can suggest this, but making him do it would overstep your boundaries as a romantic partner.

Position it like this: "Honey pot, you seem stressed, and I don't see you as often as I'd like. Is there a way for you to scale back your commitments? It seems like it might be good for everyone."

We all have parent issues, but allowing them to encroach on our burgeoning adult lives is madness. If Toby's addicted to the drama or too scared and won't even consider it, it's time for you to exit the cluster.

[justhardtosay]

Hey,

I met Tim in fall of 2009. Outside of the few times when he was drinking our relationship has always been relaxed and comfortable. Tim doesn't really drink very much, probably because when he does drink, he drinks far beyond the point of excess, and frequently doesn't remember his activity at all.

Let me emphasize that Tim does not get violent when he drinks this much. He generally becomes useless to anyone, fumbles around and can barely take care of himself, which means that me or his friends have to exhaustingly take care of him for the rest of the night.

I'd be lying if I said how I view Tim wasn't affected by these times, but I still consider him my partner and friend. How can I help him without ruining the relationship?

Lauren M.

Dear Lauren,

Everybody has flaws except for young Joan Didion. She should have been preserved in amber. Here are some things that ultimately ended my relationships:

1. Whenever he wore a suit, he would yell, "Zoot suit riot! Throw back a bottle of beer!" Fucking idiot.

2. He asked me where recycled plastic went. When I responded, "A recycling plant," he giggled like it was a joke.

3. He chased pigeons like a poodle.

4. During sex he would get super embarrassed if he sweat at all. Then he would apologize, roll off me and check his e-mail.

5. His sister was named Veronica Toolings. Just no.

6. He would put his hands on my face every time we kissed. When I asked him why he did it, he said because Ryan Gosling did. We didn't break up because of this, but it was still pretty weird. We broke up because he moved to Brazil.

7. If we went to the movies, he bought three boxes of candy. He would save one for later that night.

8. He killed a guy. It was self-defense, but it still worried me at times.

See? Tim is not so bad after all. He most likely has a severe allergy to alcohol that means he will not be a functioning alcoholic, which is way worse than someone who can't hold his liquor. If you really want to make him better, try to get him to take some other drug that is fun when go out to replace alcohol, like mushrooms or arsenic.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

One of my good friends just found out she's having a baby. I'm happy for her and genuinely excited that she and her partner are going to be parents. But I feel like my friend is changing so quickly! We used to make fun of women who posted pictures of their "baby bump" and we promised each other we'd never be so silly. Now she's doing all that stuff, and I don't know whether to bring it up with her or see if it's just a phase. 

Jean C.

Dear Jean,

It depends. Do you think parenthood is just a phase? 

Sorry, your friend's life — and her friendship with you — will never be the same. All you can do now is show up to her inevitable shower(s) with pastel-colored bags full of tiny, expensive clothing that her mewling, drooling offspring will outgrow immediately and hope for the best.

By which I mean, be supportive. We all make promises about what we'll never do, say, or like that we grow up to break. For example, I said I'd never use the word "offspring" again, but here we are. Telling your friend that you're disappointed in who she's becoming will basically ensure that you'll attend the funeral of your friendship instead of your friend's blessed event.

[justhardtosay]

Hey,

My friend Judy is a lovely little thing. Her one problem is that she tends to get a little fresh with the guys right away. She rags on them about voting for Obama and loving Christian Dior. Guys that meet her say she seems to operate on her own orbit. As a result, it feels like they don't get to know the real Judy. How can I tell her to tone it down a smidge when you are first getting to know someone? Virginia M.

Dear Virginia, Men love charismatic women, so I can only assume Judy's behavior borders on extremely inappropriate. I had a Pekinese who was like that and suffice it to say she later became the star of All Dogs Go To Heaven. To correct a dog's behavior, it is only necessary to offer some trifling reward. You must do the same with Judy. You say she has trouble making a first impression. Find a man who can last a bit beyond that. When he is unable to tolerate her, you will know to get a new friend. If he tolerates her, then your problem is likely solved.

It's also possible that Judy doesn't need your help. Operating in your own orbit is hardly the worst thing you can do. Think of Luna Lovegood. 

[justhardtosay]

Hi, Lately I have been getting into a lot of fights with my mom about my boyfriend Tim. Even though Tim and I live together in an apartment about twenty minutes away from my Mom's house, she frequently asks him to come over to help her out with tasks around the house. The chores are menial but I resent that she feels she can occupy his time. He feels he can't say no to her but is far from eager to pitch in. There is another complication to my problem. My dad left when I was four after cheating regularly on my mom. My mom likes and appreciates Tim, but she also continues to encourage me to monitor his comings and goings so that the same thing doesn't happen to me. It makes me paranoid and sometimes I find myself wondering. I've explained this to Tim and he says he doesn't find it out of the ordinary, but I'm worried these two things will drive him far away - possibly to Alaska or the former Soviet Union. How do I handle this ticklish sitch?

Lake T.

Dear Lake,

At first it may seem like these are really two separate problems, each requiring their own unique solution. In reality, one complements the other quite well. If your mother actually believes Tim is cheating on you, she will stop asking him to help out around the house.

Maybe you're not comfortable lying to your mom about Tim's "fucking around." After all, she raised you, presumably by herself. Why not be vague and say that you and Tim have been having some problems. When she asks what kind of problems, you must select the only problem that couples have that no one would ever want to get involved with, even your mom: religion. Inform your mom that Tim really doesn't mind helping her, but because of these problems it's hurtful to you to have him spending time there when you need your space. Cry during this, and if the moment strikes you, weep. I once saw a friend sob like a baby while simultaneously sucking fluid from a juicebox full of Juicy Juice. I assure you I never was able to forget it.

[justhardtosay]

Hey, I am a 20 year college graduate who takes medication for my bipolar disorder. When I inform my dates of my condition or that I take regular medication, they do not react very well. Usually in their eyes I see a fight or flight response reminiscent of a young doe. When is the right time and manner in which to bring up my condition? Nathan R.

Dear Nathan,

There is no set time when it might be appropriate to share sensitive information, but you will probably know when it’s right. Usually the other person will have shown you that it is okay to say these things, normally by sharing their own stories. This could be on the second date or in the second month.  Dating allows both people to test the waters. As the relationship grows, so should each person’s trust in the other. If you pull somebody into the deep end with you right away, you won’t know if they’re up to it. They haven’t earned your trust yet, and you haven’t earned theirs. Start small, like with a bowl of pistachios.   

It’s also possible that you are dating people who aren’t ready to be in real relationships. If you’re still rebuffed even when you’ve waited until it’s natural or necessary to share, then move on and don’t blame yourself. They are the ones who need to grow up.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Read more Hard to Say here.

[justhardtosay]

Hey, I was recently searching through my seventeen year old brother Dennis' things for reasons, and I came across a letter he had written to a woman. Her name is Desiree and she appears to be older than him, e.g. out of school. Nevertheless their letter was quite sincere and included notions of having children together and making a life for themselves.

I'm not certain whether or not Dennis has ever sex, but he certainly isn't very experienced in the process. As recently as last year, he was asking me very basic questions about it. I have no intention of informing my parents about the letter, but I'm not sure what advice to offer him, if any. Alise B.

Dear Alise,

Only positive things can occur being couples with alliterative first names. Take, for example... Hmm. Nevermind. I was thinking of Ned and Stacey, but their names aren't alliterative and many negative things happened. Tell your brother that no one with the name Dennis has ever been with anyone named Desiree, so the jury is still out.

You should not have gone into your brother's things unless you are truly worried he was going to harm himself, which is apparently the justification for every single invasion of privacy in human history. Given that he wants children with some shiksa, we can assume he is probably not going to end it all.

Young love is tremendous, and your brother is on the verge of making the biggest mistake of his life. You can only watch from afar and enjoy the fireworks, as they will no doubt make you seem better in the eyes of everyone in comparison. If you really must change your brother's life, send Desiree a cease and desist letter on a legal-esque letterhead and your brother will never hear from her again.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

I have been friends with Connie since we were kids. A couple of years ago, she started a fashion blog and it’s gotten really popular. Now she gets free clothes from designers, magazine spreads, and she has hundreds of followers on Instagram.

What’s really irking me, though, is that she used to “shop” me and my friends’ closets in high school until she created the style she’s known for today. Before that, she didn’t really have very nice things. How do I let people know that she’s a fake? It bothers me that people can get away with dishonesty and still become internet famous. Please tell me what to do.

Jill T.

Dear Jill,

What bothers you is that your friend is famous and you’re not. Might I suggest you shed your holier-than-thou attitude? There is most likely a verse in the Bible concerning this. You look like a glass house in this light.

It’s always a little disappointing to see somebody end up better off, especially when you both started out with the same things. But what really happened here is that Connie started off with less and made more of herself. She literally humiliated herself by taking her friends’ cast-off clothing and then used it to create her own success. Good for her.

As for you, Jill, it’s time to find a new hobby. Maybe unfollow Connie on Instagram if it’s making you so mad you can’t see the bigger picture. Then read something cerebral or gently slam Michiko Kakutani over brunch. Remember, you didn’t want those clothes. Find something that looks better on you than a sour expression and make your own success.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

My girlfriend Marilyn is a charismatic, loving and caring person. She does one thing that has grown to bother me over time. Whenever she is walking around the city, examining various buildings, she says one thing over and over again, "Who lives here?" with a quizzical tone. I don't know if she genuinely wonders who is living in the domiciles, or if she just thinks it's a funny thing to say. I've told her in a nice way that she might want to give "Who lives here?" a rest for awhile, but she just thinks it's a wonderful inside joke between us. How can I make her stop uttering these words? Randolph B.

Dear Randolph,

"Who lives here?" seems a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Your girlfriend harbors a wonderful curiosity about the world and its denizens, and you may never find her ilk again. Still, even the most introspective and important questions can get a bit grating if repeated often enough. In order to get her to stop asking, each time that she poses the question offer an intricate analysis of the residents' socio-economic levels, day-to-day rituals, grocery shopping lists, possible medications and television viewing habits. Become accustomed to uttering the phrase, "Nielsen viewing patterns tell us..." After a few times, she will never ask "Who lives here?" again. Did you know most sociologists are divorced?

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

I read this advice column last week and thought I would seek some help from you. I have a very close friend who is an alcoholic. He has been to rehab twice before. He just got out of rehab and got together with his girlfriend. She swore to herself she would never get back together with him. One of the last times they saw each other he got really drunk and threaten to harm himself. The cops came and took him to the drunk tank, which landed him in rehab again. 

I don't see signs of him ever improving, but I want to be there for him. I feel like our friendship has exhausted itself. The only thing from holding me back is if I'm not there for him emotionally he will take his life. I really don't want to feel this burden anymore. What do you think I should do?

Evelyn A.

Whoa. Just kidding, Evelyn. Whatever you do, do not put your friend in the ground. Even justifiable homicide carries a short but emotional prison term with it that will include Jason Biggs at first visiting you every weekend but gradually becoming disinterested over time as your looks and general appeal deteriorates.

Still, Mike's point is sound. Half-measures accomplish little to nothing: if you have a problem the important thing is whether or not it gets fixed for good. Alcoholism, on the other hand, is a troubling disease that lasts a lifetime. If this "close friend" really provides no other useful functionality in your life, just cut him off, and make him feel as bad as possible that you are doing this. If he thinks the reason is that you don't care at all, he's far more likely to make an impulsive, irreversible decision.

[justhardtosay]

Hi,

My boyfriend Tomas comes from a religious family in Texas. Outside their church is an eclectic, graphic depiction of the crucifixion. He has told me that he does not feel he could ever commit to someone who does not have some kind of faith, since he wants to raise his children as Christians. It's hard to know exactly how I feel about all this, since my parents never really mentioned religion at all to me, and aren't observant themselves. From what I know of his faith, there are aspects that I might struggle with, specifically instruction in abstinence before marriage. Tomas is a wonderful person and when we do talk about God I find myself wanting to hear his views, even when I don't feel entirely comfortable airing my own. Ultimately, I don't know if I would want to raise my children in the style of his family. What should I do?

Tina F.

Dear Tina,

It sounds like you know a small amount about his church, but you should probably get to know more. At an appropriate time, like after sex or while you are choosing a new job, subtly find out details about his worship. Casually ask aloud, "Hey Tomas, would your church by any chance be the same church that the murderer attended in True Detective?"

You need to learn more about your boyfriend's faith before you can properly judge it. Does child sacrifice play a role? Every Sunday, do people put things in their mouth? Dicks or wafers? Check on that.

A lot of things are said in a relationship at a young age. Once you have his child in your tummy, he's not really going to be able to say no to you. He can't well force you to go to church. If he does, call the cops. He is not going to go by himself. There are plenty of places to worship in private, ideally in another state with no income tax.

You say you have trouble expressing your own views. Fine. There are many ways to influence his instead, changing them to become more like yours. Example: he strolls in from a hard day's work and you're casually reading On the Origin of the Species. When he asks what you are reading, remark that it is more spiritual than you thought it would be, and did he read that thing in the Guardian about how a girl raised in the church rebelled from its strictures and had unprotected sex in a kangaroo's pouch? Eventually he'll get the picture.