Journal Day 178 -Ā One Click Away and I Fell Asleep
Wednesday, April 19th 2017
Meggās Scheduled for the Day
7:45 ā 8:00 = Write schedule for the day (Done at 8:00, went on YouTube and Reddit)
8:00 ā 8:30 = Record / Upload Video explaining how to keep on track with your schedule (Done recording at 8:19 AM, started rendering at 8:21 AM, done uploading at 8:42 AM)
8:30 ā 8:45 = Shower (Started showering at 8:21 AM while video rendering, done at 8:33 AM)
8:45 ā 9:00 = Prepare Food (Started at 8:43 AM, done at 8:50 AM, took pictures done at 8:52 AM)
9:00 ā 9:30 = Eat (Started at 8:53 AM, done at 9:19 AM)
9:30 ā 10:00 = Drive to Work (Started at 9:34 AM got distracted with YouTube, left at 9:37 AM, arrived at parking garage at 9:54 AM)
10:00 ā 4:45 = Work (Started at around 9:59 AM)
4:45 ā 5:30 = Drive Home (Drove home at around 6:10 AM)
5:30 ā 6:00 = Walk Outside (Skipped)
6:00 ā 6:30 = Read Programming Assignment, read current lesson reading material (Started at 7:11 PM)
6:30 ā 7:00 = Attempt programming assignment
7:00 ā 7:30 = Read current reading material
7:30 ā 8:00 = Attempt programming assignment
8:00 ā 9:00 = Complete programming assignment (Finished around 11 PMish, after being distracted by YouTube and Reddit, ended up not even submitting the assignment, more info below)
9:00 ā 10:00 = Online Course, Take Notes!!
10:00 ā Onwards = Sleep
8:53 AM
This is my breakfast this morning. I didnāt eat anything after lunch yesterday, so I was very hungry this morning. This meal took me just 7 minutes to make, and took almost zero effort. I just had to heat up some food, take some food out of the fridge, put them on plates, and voila, done. Easy effort and extremely healthy and delicious. Itās going to take me a while to eat though.
--
5:12 PM
Iām at work still. Staying here longer because weāre moving desks around at work. I would have left normally at 4:45, but I donāt have to pick up my mom today, and I want to help move the desks. Iām grabbing a window seat anyway, so Iāll have this awesome view, Iāll want to at least do my work for it, and help other people in the team get to their section as well.
--
7:11 PM
I ended up not getting a window desk. I had dibs on it, I could have gotten it if I wanted to, but we split the desks up where there were 5 desks in one group closest to the window, with two desks having the window and I could have claimed one of these, and then three desks which were separate. The three desks had two other people that were barely in the office, and it was a bit quieter. I chose to be with that group instead.
--
2:08 AM (next day)
.... Alright so there was a programming assignment that was due at 11:55 PM. I finished it. I had the project window open, I typed up my comments, I had it ready to go online. Guess what? Fucking. I closed my eyes for ājust a few secondsā, and three hours pass by. Itās now 2 AM and I canāt submit the assignment anymore. Wow. No joke. All that effort, *poof*. I really had everything ready to go... Wtf.
The worst part is that now Iām looking online at the answers. Did you know I had everything 100% right? I closed my eyes to āthinkā about it. Seriously. Three hours went by extremely quickly. Fuck me... Do you know how bad this feels? This feels ultra bad... I have two zeroes for programming assignment submission now.
Thereās 9 units total, right? Programming assignments account for 25% of the class. I missed 2/9 of 25%, thatās 5.5% I just lost from the total class grade, so highest that I can get no matter what, is 94.5% given I have 100% at everything else. Thatās alright. I canāt do much about it at all now.
--
3:17 AM
I went on Reddit for a while to kind of chill out, aghast at the terrible mistake I had made. I find Java a lot easier now, itās getting easier and easier at least. It was hard starting off, but Iām starting to understand it more. I hate myself though. I had the answers right, and yet I failed to submit. I literally had the assignment window open, all files uploaded, and I had to just click on one button. Yet I closed my eyes to āthink about itā, and fell asleep. Itās impossible to travel back in time, one mistake, and youāre gone.
7:45 ā 8:00 = Write schedule for the day (Got distracted, went on Reddit for a while, done at 8:00)
8:00 ā 8:15 = Cook food (Done at 8:04, just had to wash then boil some potatoes)
8:15 ā 8:30 = Shower (Done and fully changed at 8:19 AM)
8:30 ā 9:00 = Eat food (Done at 8:55 AM. Time to chill).
9:00 ā 9:30 = Chill (Done at 9:30)
9:30 ā 10:00 = Drive to work (Done at 10:02)
10:00 ā 4:45 = Work (Done at 4:46)
4:45 ā 6:00 = Drive Home (Done at 5:15)
6:00 ā 6:30 = Go out for a walk (Done at 7:30)
6:30 Ā - 7:00 = Read CS1102 Assignments (Did it this morning during my āChillā time)
7:00 ā 8:00 = CS1102 Discussion Assignment, Check out Programming Assignment (Done at 9:35 PM)
8:00 ā 9:00 = Online Course (Skip)
9:00 ā 10:00 = Re-Edit Fast Typing Video, and re-upload to YouTube (Skip)
10:00 ā 10:30 = Journal entry (easy, done at 11:50 PM)
10:30 ā Onwards = Sleep
Do you see how much time work and driving time takes up in a day? It makes it difficult to do anything else because there is almost NO TIME to do anything else.
8:34 AM
Breakfast this morning. Prep time: 2 minutes.
āBut where do you get your protein?ā Every food has protein. The meat industry has people brainwashed to think that only meat has protein, the milk industry has brainwashed people to drink fluids from a non-human animal after their growth period, and to get them to believe that only milk has calcium.
--
8:57 AM
Itās time to chill, because I donāt want to drive to work right away. Iām going to spend this time reading my homework assignment for CS1102.
--
11:12 AM
Iām in the office now. Had my 10 AM meeting. Thereās at least 3 new people joining the company today, one of them is on our team. Weāre going out to lunch later to celebrate a new member coming onboard. Itās also another team memberās birthday today so he will choose where we go, I think itās his 35th birthday.
--
1:38 PM
Kind of bullshit. I was forced to go out into lunch and birthday boy chose to go out to a steakhouse grill restaurant. I looked at the menu and there was no vegan friendly choices on there, except for a salad. No one at work knows Iām a vegan, and I wasnāt about to be bugged about it. I chose to order the fish tacos, and I ate them. I felt like shit during and after. They didnāt even taste good. Destroying a life, harming the environment, contributing to the extinction of all ocean life, and damaging my health, wasnāt worth eating those tacos. I shook my head and looked down as I munched. Fucking bullshit.
The typical conversation around the table was about sports. Then it was about music. Then it was about dance floors and clubs. Society is pretty dumb. Those things are cool, but theyāre not that exciting. There is so much more to do and talk about in life, why would I care about who the latest sports star is, or which new trap songs are nice?
But at least I know whatās wrong with the world and how to fix it. Am I going to be a revolutionary? I hope so.
--
2:14 PM
I feel sleepy. Must be the animal fats and cholesterol clogging up my arteries from the tacos I ate. High blood pressure leads to brain shrinkage. Thatās why lowering my blood pressure is one of my main focuses. To get there, Iām focusing on losing weight first. Iām only strong when Iām powered by plants.
--
3:53 PM
Still insanely sleepy. Iām not the only one, everyone else in my team looks groggy as shit. People think this is normal?
--
4:21 PM
I actually went and took a nap for around 10 minutes. Those animal fats and cholesterol going through my veins, itās been a while since Iāve had so much artery clogging.
--
5:16 PM
Itās about 44 minutes until I have to go out for a walk, so Iāll work on a video during this time. A quick Java tutorial.
--
6:58 PM
I got distracted for a bit and went on Reddit for the longest time. It took me around an hour afterwards to make the video and then render it. While the video was rendering I got distracted again and went on Reddit. But anyway, here is the end result of the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ggU_qbeV8k
--
11:13 PM
Iām definitely off schedule because I was supposed to go to sleep at 10:30 PM and not at 11:13 PM. However, itās all good. Writing the journal entry throughout the day makes me not even have to write a journal entry later at night. I can skip that part entirely basically.
We live in a society where it is abnormal to not eat animals. But youāre crazy if you intentionally kill a bald eagle, or a kangaroo, or a panda, or a koala, or a chimpanzee. And we have no instinct to randomly just kill or eat any animal we come across. I have never seen a chicken, or a cow, or a pig, and thought āI need to kill these guys for food, these guys look tasty to meā, and same with fish, Iāve never had an instinct to kill or eat any fish, and I own goldfish, he should look appetizing to me.
91% of the Amazon Rainforest has been destroyed for animal agriculture. 2500 gallons of water are needed to produce one pound of beef. 1000 gallons are needed for 1 gallon of milk, one of the most unnatural āfoodsā that we have, and it makes no sense that anyone even drinks it, besides that the dairy industry has a ton of money. We have nearly empty oceans and 99% of several fish populations have already been wiped out. The Great Barrier Reef is basically dead now thanks to all the environmental damage that we have done since more than 51% of earthās CO2 emission is from animal agriculture.
More than 6 million animals are killed for food every hour, unnecessarily mind you. Iāve not been vegan my entire life, but I find completely unnecessary to eat meat at all. Itās not required in any diet. In fact the longest living populations on the planet are vegan. The people with the lowest cancer risk, the lowest heart attack risk, the lowest Alzheimerās risk, the lowest diabetes risk, the lowest obesity risk, the lowest high blood pressure risk, the best looking people, the smartest people, the most energetic people, and so on, are vegans.
Veganism is the fucking healthiest diet in the world, the most sustainable diet in the fucking world, and the most humane diet in the world, and itās abnormal in our society. In fact, if youāre a vegan, youāre a weirdo. That shows you that society is very retarded. Iām above the retardation however. I mean donāt be surprised that society is full of dumb fucks. You have people strapping bombs to their chest and committing suicide over their religion.
Women didnāt even receive the right to vote until the 1920s, black males received the right to vote earlier than women. So we enslave an entire race of people, then we free them. Then we give their males the right to vote. BUT the 50% of the population, WOMEN, we just ignored and didnāt give EQUAL RIGHTS AS MEN until ~100 years ago.
Not only that, segregation still existed until less than 50 years ago. LESS THAN 50 YEARS AGO. Before then, whites were still viewed as superior, and had more rights, more privileges. It took us until just 50 years ago to treat people of our SAME SPECIES as equal. Iām not surprised society is taking ages to understand how to treat other species better.
At the same time though, the main conversations you hear from people is about sports, music, or some other retarded shit that really doesnāt matter in the world. This is the first world. You have more people rioting in the streets for a sports game, rather than an actual important issue in the world. Fuck man.
This is the world I live in, and itās full of shit. There is shit everywhere. But again, I donāt stay silent. Iām slowly, very slowly, getting to where I want to be. How long will it take? I think a decade or more. Crawling is slow, but itās faster than standing still. Iām ashamed of people, we spent the majority of time doing nothing; watching tv, playing games, browsing social media. Thatās what we spend our time doing. Instead of cleaning up the environment, solving world problems, or improving ourselves, we spend it wasting away. This society is fucked.
The world is pretty stupid. But that doesnāt stop the few of us who are trying.
Journal Day 174 - Typing Competition and DurianRider
Saturday, April 15th 2017
After yesterdayās predicament, I decided to bite the bullet and just upload the video revealing my fingers for the first time. I read a quick blog post online about competition, and the main idea I took from it was that the main and only competition is yourself, no one else. Other people can come in and compete, but you are always only competing with yourself.
I realized that Iām not going to be the 91st fastest typist in the world forever. I realized that I wonāt be here someday. I saw video from the 1980s about two boxers giving each other their all, they both trained hard, they both practiced well, and now they were both facing each other in competition. 1980s? Who cares about that today? I thought about the same concept in typing. I might be fast now, but 30-40 years down the line, Iām nowhere going to be close to as good as the newer generation of folks. So Iāll enjoy my triumph today, because I can only enjoy my triumph today. Today is all I have.
The Java tutorial video with my āghost fingersā can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUpytElwCgA
Iām fast as shit dawg. Now only if there were typing competitions that you could earn a lot of money in. There are a ton of competitions for video games like Warcraft 3, League of Legends, DOTA, etc, but those games come and go like fads after a year or two. Typing has been around for over 100 years I believe, and it will continue to be around 100 years from now. It should be the main competitive area if anything.
Mayweather vs McGregor. This matchup currently has the most attention out of any other fight in modern times right now. A lot of people are super excited for it, but it probably wonāt happen. 20 years from now there will be new fighters on the block, Mayweather will have turned into an old man, and so will McGregor. But right now theyāre at their peaks and they gather a lot of attention and success. 50 years ago it was Muhammad Ali that got attention, 20 years later Mike Tyson came into the scene, 20 years later came Mayweather. 20 more years later, who knows?
I havenāt yet reached my own peak. Is there even a peak age in typing? Either way, the only competition is myself. Iām not competing against anyone, I only compete to better myself and become the best that I can be, without anybody standing in my way.
--
DurianRider has never changed his stance ever since he created his YouTube channel. Iām looking back at his oldest YouTube videos from 8 years ago and Iām phenomenally impressed that he has stayed the same, from back then to now. He talks about the same ideas back then as he does today:
Ā·Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Your physiological requirements are: sleep, water, and sugar
oĀ Ā He sleeps 10-12 hours a day
oĀ Ā He drinks a quart of water upon waking up, more water throughout the day
oĀ Ā He eats a ton of sugar rich foods, mainly fruits, of over 4000 calories a day
Ā·Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Burn fat not oil
oĀ Ā He has never had a driverās license and encourages everyone to sell their car and ride a bike everywhere
Ā·Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Positive mental attitude regardless
oĀ Ā This is why he is never depressed. No matter what the situation, positive mental attitude regardless.
He is probably the most transparent person on YouTube from the advice he shares and opinions that he gives. He lives that advice, he lives his opinions, no bullshit. He shares everything with the world, his income, his advice, his life tips, his sex life, every single thing. Thatās the main reason that Iām on YouTube right now in the first place, is because he convinced me to start making videos again.
DurianRider has caused a lot of people to start bicycling everywhere. He has caused a lot of people to go vegan. He has caused a lot of people to get on YouTube. He has made people quit their jobs to pursue a life of their dreams. He has even convinced people to get vasectomies. This guy can anyoneās depression or life problems just by watching his videos and following the advice that he gives.
The thing is, he easily has over 10 hours of content on how to perform well on YouTube alone, giving all the life advice and YouTube advice that goes with it. He has so much content on his channel, and all his videos are insanely addicting to watch. He talks shit, he tells truth, he hits people with the hard facts of life. Each one his videos has content that we can all relate to.
This is a guy that started out living as a bum on the streets. In his first YouTube videos you can see exactly the kind of environment he lives in; sleeping on a crappy floor carpet in a third world country, eating only fruits that he finds because he canāt afford any, and digging through trash to sell items like a bum. Even in that kind of environment, he has the SAME EXACT fucking mindset that he has today, and he makes more than six figures a year today. He is the same person today as he was when he first started.
Can I make videos like him? I want to, but I have no idea what books he read or why he does what he does, but he always lives by the philosophy of: Sleep, Water, Sugar. Burn Fat Not Oil. Positive Mental Attitude Regardless. I donāt know where the origin of those ideas came from, but he lives by them. He is extremely successful from those basic ideas alone. I definitely want to mimic him in a way, to also give out a positive message and to encourage people to pursue their dreams. But I donāt want to exactly copy his ideas even though I fully, fully agree with them.
--
I also had my talk with Obs tonight. Sheās cool and fun to talk to as always. Iām going to work a lot on our book tomorrow so we can have it published before the end of May.
Also Iām now the 82nd fastest typist in the world..... And checking the rankings again, Iām now ranked as the 80th fastest in the world. I think it fluctuates a bit when youāre at a high level. I already know Iām good. Subscribe to my channel: http://youtube.com/megawattapps
Journal Day 171 ā 172 WPM, 176 WPM and First Place Twice
Wednesday, April 12th 2017
Pretty awesome start to a good day so far. I got first place on typeracer this morning after a few attempts. Itās been forever since I last went on this website. However, I wanted to troll a bit, and get more views on my YouTube channel, so I went ahead and recorded a video of me becoming first place at something I knew I was good at. I also put āVeganā next to my name to represent veganism. The fastest person on the website right now as I type this, is me, and I am a vegan.
I wasnāt even trying when I got 172 words per minute. My fingers felt slow, I felt slow. And yet, I got first place beating the hundreds if not thousands of other people online on that same website at that same moment. People that were trying their best to beat me, but couldnāt.
Alright so I am really good at typing. Can I earn money from this? Iām not sure, but itās probably a lot better to be the ābestā at something, rather than be a normal person at something. And everyone types. I just happen to be one of the fastest typists in the entire world. I mean yeah, I can play Tetris, I can play a video game like Warcraft 3 and become a pro, but in terms of worldwide attention, typing is something everyone does and it is something everyone can relate to. Not many can relate to a Tetris pro or a Warcraft 3 pro.
I would like to thank DurianRider for inspiring me to make a YouTube video about this and to troll in the video a bit. DurianRider is one of the best cyclists on the planet, he got first place on a lot of different tournaments and competitions many times, and he himself is a vegan. So that inspired me. I am one of the fastest typists on the planet, why donāt I make a YouTube video series about this very topic?
I havenāt uploaded the video yet so I have no idea if it will pick up steam or not. But the recording is done, I just have to do some editing work and then upload. Iām getting excited.
--
I donāt have unlimited time to just dedicate everything to typing and YouTubing. Unfortunately I have a full-time job. Unfortunately I am studying at a university. Unfortunately I am paying $300 a month for online computer lessons (separate from the university). Unfortunately I have a life, and I can only dedicate so much time to typing.
I try to exercise every day (except I rarely do), I try to update my journal every day, I try to get straight Aās in my courses, I try to do my best at work which can get stressful sometimes, I try. Iām also writing a book with Obs. I just texted her actually to wish her well this morning, because Iām grateful for having met her. I hope she doesnāt see that as weird or anything. I wrote a pretty weird entry last night because I was extremely sleepy, and I made a pretty weird video to go along with it, she has every reason to dislike me now.
So anyway, my point is that I donāt just have unlimited time in this world to dedicate to typing. Iām a normal person going through normal things, and I just happen to be one of the best in the world at something. That doesnāt mean that Iām good at anything else. Iām not as great in art, Iām not as great in video editing, or audio production. Iām just āgoodā at this one thing.
--
Iām pumped and excited. Iāve just spent the past hour or so listening to DurianRider YouTube advice and tips. Man. He makes it sound so easy. I think I can do it. Right now I have 7 subscribers in the channel that Iām going to upload my videos to, and a total of 214 views. Right now I have 13 videos that are publicly displayed. 4 of those videos have less than 5 views, like 2 or 3 views, I mean, wtf. Iām planning on privatizing those videos since no one watches them anyway and theyāre not all that great.
Okay so hereās my YouTube to-do list for tonight:
- Update YouTube wallpaper background
- Create new āoutroā video that I will use in all my videos
- Edit and create YouTube video from typing footage this morning
- Create thumbnail for the above video
- Get 1st place again on TypeRacer (gonna be freaking hard at night time)
- Upload first video again trolling everyone on TypeRacer
Hell yeah. I canāt wait. Freaking DurianRider is the man. He gave me the tips, I will use those tips. My videos will be focused around computers, mainly typing, programming, and so on. I canāt wait to troll and wreck it online. Iām still at work at the moment, pretty much done with everything that needs to be done.
--
I have a ton of things that I need to work on outside of work though. I have a few homework assignments due tonight, some more due tomorrow. I am nearly 100 journal entries behind on my Tumblr, my Medium, my blog website, and my livejournal. Fuck. How am I going to catch up? Do I need to ask someone a favor if they can manually upload 100 of my entries to each one of those websitesā¦? Sigh.
Someone new at work apparently found out that I had a website today, she said that was cool. There are actually quite a few people at work that know I have a website, I think pretty much everyone does, I think. Iām not too sure. But on this website, I also keep my journal entries on there. But so far I have only uploaded until journal entry day 70. Shit. So I am actually over 100 entries behind, as of today. Today is day 171.
I always thought that LG2MT would finish the task for me and catch me up to date, but I havenāt worked on LG2MT in a while. Instead, I have spent a lot of my time and hours trolling around on YouTube, Reddit, Imgur, and other websites. Who really cares about those things? I donāt need to reply to every comment poster or person that replies to me on YouTube when I have a life to live. I made a mistake of taking chunks out of my life to reply to people and that was one of the biggest mistakes of all.
--
Alright Iām home now. Itās 5:34 PM. Letās get cranking on that YouTube to do list. First up, the YouTube wallpaper background. Mine is blank right now, so let me go ahead and make one.
Done. The time right now is 5:45 PM. I also used the bathroom for a bit, so yeah. Not bad, and it didnāt take much time at all.
Next up is to create the āoutroā for my videos. Okay. Okay. This one is a bit more complicated.
54 minutes laterā¦
Alright the time right now is 6:39 PM. It was 6:39 PM when I finished and started rendering the video, and then after a while I also started to upload the video. The time right now is 6:53 PM after I finished all of that. The video can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhhyPzwdScs
Freaking awesome!
Time right now is 7:02 PM and the next step is to edit and upload the footage of me getting rank #1 to YouTube. Alright.
22 minutes laterā¦
Alright, I just finished the video! Itās rendering now which will take a while. This video is super awesome. I freaking love it. Next task is to create a thumbnail for itā¦ Oh man, that is going to be tough.
6 minutes laterā¦
Wow it took me 6 minutes? Geez. I thought it took like 2 seconds, but apparently it took 6 minutes. Anyway, the thumbnail is done, and it wasnāt that hard at all. The video is still not done rendering, and the time right now is 7:28 PM. The video is at 42% rendering, so nowhere close. The next step isā¦ Oh shit, get first place on TypeRacerā¦ Fuck me.
If there is some guy with like 180 WPM or above, then I stand little chance. Okay. First place is 217 WPM, the second place person is 192 WPM. Kathy Florentine is destroying it with freaking 217 WPM. Shit. Cameron is next with 192 WPM. Third place is by some random guy that has a Star as a symbol with 163 WPM, and 4th place is 155 WPM.
I can probably get to 3rd place with difficulty, but to get 2nd or 1st, that is a near impossibility. Iāll go for 3rd as my most, and then give up afterwards. I donāt want to even try to get more than that.
Time right now is 7:41 PM, I have been trying, but the fastest speed I have gotten so far is 140 WPM.
2 minutes laterā¦
153 WPM. Not even close. Kathy is now at 222 WPM, and Cameron is at 210 WPM. I have never breached 200, so this is already an impossibility for me to get 1st or 2nd. I can get third, yes, but not first or second. Not at this level. Fuck. My fingers are getting confused.
This is why Iām fine with watching high performers perform, but doing it myself? Thatās really difficult. I canāt reliably rely on myself to not screw up. Typing is one of those skills where you have to have full control of every single finger movement, and at really fast speeds, itās hard to grab control of them, so typos are abound. I think itās because itās late in the day right now, which is why my fingers are having a much harder time than this morning. I donāt know exactly what it is, itās just that I am having more typos right now for some reason.
I uploaded the video, keep in mind I curse a few times since Iām roleplaying a controversial character: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfCyJse8NO0
--
However many minutes laterā¦
The time right now is 8:22 PM and a low level league of people just appeared. The 1st place person right now is 135 WPM, the second place is 111 WPM, and the fourth place is 108 WPM, the 4th place downward have not even gotten anywhere. Holy shit. This is going to be really easy. I still want to get a really high score though, nothing below 160 WPM.
Finally. Some dude just got 160 WPM. I thought that low level of skill was going to be around for a while.
A long time later!
The time right now is 8:43 PM and I finally got first place again.
--
I recorded another video doing commentary while I got 176 WPM. So before I set my record for the night, some other guy got 175 WPM. I bet he was disappointed I beat his score after just 4 minutes. Well 4 minutes after I beat his score, another person beat me. Then 4 minutes after that person, another person beat that person. And then 3 minutes later, the person I beat originally, he came out of nowhere and became first place again.
So my final position right now is 4th place. Oh well. I actually went online to one of the peopleās livestreams, and it turns out they were only doing 1 line typeraces. Wow. Just one liners. The one I did 172 with was 3 lines, and the 176 one was also 3 lines. Thatās probably why I have never gotten over 200 WPM, because I have never consistently stayed at 1 line for that long. This guy just kept on doing it and doing it. I donāt think you get better at typing that way. You set records, but you donāt improve.
I think that is the first time I have completed all the tasks in my to-do list that I write here. That is the first time. Impressive.
I keep forgetting to write about local events and history unfolding. I listen to the NPR every morning and afternoon as I drive to and from work and Iām always constantly updated on new events. I also use the Bing search engine, and they have these same news stories always listed at the bottom. Yesterday Trump signed an executive order that banned all immigrants (whether green card holder, refugee, or regular migrant) from 7 countries from coming into the United States.
Members of the judicial branch, just some of them, issued a stay on the executive order, temporarily stopping the executive order for 7 days on average, just in the cities where the judges issued those orders. Thatās it? 7 days, and just those cities? Holy fuck. The judicial branch has no power.
The U.S. and Russia are meeting up to ādealā with ISIS and both sides have marched tens of thousands of soldiers into the battlefield. I can understand the 7 nation ban if all 7 nations were involved in ISIS, but ISIS stands for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, thereās only two nations in the name. I have seen too many documentaries on ISIS from the Muslimsā point of view, they will never surrender. They see the United States as a global evil villain set out to destroy them, and they will die fighting for their beliefs.
The Muslims donāt care about their own lives, they will give up their lives in suicide for Allah. In the Quran, all those who die are judged whether they ascend to paradise or descend into hell, except for martyrs. Martyrs instantly go to paradise, as inscribed in their book. This is why the United States and Russia cannot win against the Islamic religion. The United States and Russia are not willing to die for this fight, they just want to fight to oppress.
This is World War 3 in the making and Iām surprised no one is paying attention. The Muslims will win this war. All the children growing up in those Muslim countries now, grow up to fight and hate America and Russia, but America especially. They completely despise these two countries and I wonāt be surprised if there are more internal attacks on the United States from terrorists plotting. It is the United Statesā fault. Why do they keep engaging the Muslims in war? Retreat all the troops, stop engaging, and let the fire sizzle down.
The more we feed flames, the higher the flames rise and the deeper we go, to the point where we can no longer fan the flames out.
--
This isnāt the only issue with the world though. The entire world is fucked. Most people do not give a shit about the real issues in the world. World War 3 is just a byproduct of the fucked up society that we live in. Trump is another byproduct of that same fucked up world and society.
I could give less of a care for World War 3 or my own life for that matter. I care more about the world and the environment. Millions of animals are slaughtered a day, hundreds of thousands of trees cut down, deforested. I care about the endangered beings on our planet, the Elephants, the cheetahs, the lions, the tigers, the blue whales, and the tuna. There is no reason why we slaughter all these innocent beings on a daily basis. Itās fucked up.
I honestly do not care for the human race. I am surrounded by ignorance and apathy on a daily basis. People complaining about their daily lives, people struggling to survive? Who gives a shit? There are so many more important issues than the shitty and selfish lives we have in this first world country.
I am glad there are a few who answer the clarion call with their life purpose and actually do their best to save the world and planet. Iām currently not one of those people. Iām working my way towards being one however. I sacrifice myself, my desires, my wants, for a larger and unselfish goal to saving the planet and getting rid of all ignorance.
This world is mostly fucked without any guidance, one way or another. Iām pretty surprised weāre all so blinded by entertainment that we forget about the real issues going on. I cannot go out there and protest, I have to work on myself and get to a level where I can have more influence and power. My will is just, I donāt view the world with blinkers on, I see the issues, I see solutions, I just have no power to getting there right now.
I have no money. I have no influence. Who am I but another person not born into any advantage in this world? But I work my way towards it. Slowly, but surely. I will be there someday, for as long as I live I will work towards my goals. They will be reached, for I am not a slave.
--
Today I woke up and drove to the office. I created a financial plan for myself. My debt is basically paid off, having only around a thousand and a half dollars of debt left, and I have more money in the bank than that. I can pay it off now, but Iād rather wait until my next paycheck which is on Tuesday. If an emergency arises, I have a few thousand in investments I can withdraw at almost any time. If a strong emergency arises, I have money in my retirement accounts I can withdraw as a very last resort, which I would rather never do. Iām not fully covered, but I have safety nets just in case. I can also sell off my stuff which might get me something.
I forecasted the amount I would have in 720 days, which is around two years, and according to my scheduled income and expenses, it is not a lot. Not enough. I wouldnāt care if I were just living life day to day without a purpose or reason to live, because my income is sustainable. But I live life passionately, with a purpose and a vision. What I make is not enough. That makes me a little frustrated.
Iām travelling to at least four countries this year; Iceland, England, France, and possibly the Philippines. Thatās more expenses taken away from the potential money I can earn. Iām a little infuriated, I would rather save that money for a greater cause, but my parents and other family members are taking me on trips I canāt refuse. My parents are getting pretty old, one day theyāre going to retire, one day theyāre going to die, and Iāll shortly follow in their footsteps. I have to be able to spend time with them while theyāre still here, but Iām also annoyed that it slowly detracts me from my goals.
--
I forecasted my finances. Now if I just lie down and wait for 2 years, Iāll have that money. What can I do during that time to help improve myself and my cause? I donāt want to just sit around doing the same repetitive work all day, and then go back home to watch television or do nothing. Instead, I can study and work on different projects that will help me earn more income during that time.
If I just spend all my time studying, in two years I should have much more income than I have today. Thatās what I will do then. Iāll study, exercise, and work on as many different projects that I can. Thatās my plan for my life during these next two years. It would be cool if I instantly just got everything I wanted, but then I wouldnāt have learned the value of earning it. Iād rather earn it.
Iāve read that passion is love and anger combined. Thatās my selfie for the day.
I woke up early this morning and first thing I did was run outside. I ran 3-4 miles without any contacts or glasses on so I could re-adjust my vision. I also ate some dark fruits afterwards for breakfast and I palmed my eyes with an eye mask heater. It worked, I noticed my vision improve immediately.
However, I didnāt do so well during the rest of the day. I was full conscious of every second and it was a bright and sunny day outside. I had nothing planned to do though, so I just sat at home and browsed the Internet. That was my entire day. Of course most of my day was spent researching and studying a multitude of different topics, but not any of the difficult topics that I should have been studying.
I had a lot of homework and other assignments due this month. I really need to do these assignments daily, like, spend 3-4 hours on them daily if I want to get done by the due date. Yet, I slacked. Why? I donāt know.
--
Anyway, at night I did something terrible. I played video games again. There were some games I felt like I wanted to try out, games that I had already purchased, and I played them without really thinking about it. Damn. I ended up staring at the computer screen for a few hours in a dark room at night until 4 AM. I didnāt notice the time moving. I feel so bad, because that process has damaged my vision as well. Despite my efforts to try and improving it, doing that activity without taking any breaks was bad. Itās the same as eating tons of food after exercising, it reverses the entire beneficial activity.
Oh, something I did learn from playing video games for a few hours though: getting what you want right away isnāt satisfying. The game I played would have taken several hours or even days of playing to unlock certain things, but I cheated and made the game give me 9999999 monies. The game I played was a spaceship game where you are the captain of a spaceship; you can hire a crew, you can buy upgrades for the ship, research new capabilities, trade with other planets, do missions, and even travel to different galaxies.
Using the money I was able to get the best of everything. I was able to hire the best people, I was able to get the best upgrades, I was able to purchase anything. It was fun for a while, but it made the rest of the game boring. I didnāt find any need to travel to a different galaxy anymore and explore because I already had everything. I didnāt like spaceship anymore because everyone gets destroyed due to my ultimate upgrades. The rest of the game, though still really addicting, just felt so boring afterwards.
Thatās when I learned that not getting what you want right away is a good advantage to strive for more. When you get what you want without trying, you donāt appreciate it as much. I enjoyed playing the game doing missions, exploring, and unlocking abilities. After I unlocked everything, there was a great feeling of accomplishment initially, but it wore off fast after I dominated every encounter I had.
āThere is no doer but the deed
There is no experiencer but the experience
Constituent parts roll onā ā Unknown (concise version from Vissudhi Magga)
I know I write about death often. I do this because we are all mortal. What more important subject is there, than the ending of our existence? Compared to any crisis a person may encounter, if that person thinks āat least I am still alive,ā then what does the crisis matter? Because we will all die and we cannot avoid it, shouldnāt we all learn how to embrace death and die peacefully? Thatās why I study death, so I can be more accepting of it when my time comes.
The quote above is an ancient quote, possibly dating back millennia. The quote relates to death and is a mindset to have as a peaceful approach to dying well. Basically it states that there is no āMeā or āIā or āYouā, instead when you have an experience you become that experience. You are but that moment, that event, that sensation, but never āYou,ā since you are always changing. Since there is no āYouā to begin with, you cannot die, instead what happens is you enter the experience of dying which you should embrace and accept wholeheartedly.
It takes reflection to fully understand what that means. I read paragraphs that go deeper on the quoteās meaning but I summed it up into one paragraph. Itās normal to think āI donāt want to die,ā but we should also accept it and enter death serenely.
āSuffering is caused by clinging, grasping, and holding onto; things, people, and ideas. To die artfully is to die thinking of nothing, wishing for nothing, clinging to nothing. Just fading away like clouds in the sky.ā ā Philip Kapleau
Ooh I can just imagine it. Lying in bed, eyes closed, unable to move or perform any actions. Millions of thoughts running through the mind. It must feel like the sensation of drowning, but youāre unable to communicate any last words or any last thoughts. You only have yourself and your mind while you lie for the last few seconds of your life. Would you panic and think āNo! One more day! I need one more day in this world!ā and fight to live, or like the quote; think of nothing, want nothing, hold onto nothing, then silently fade away.
As a youngster in a healthy and able body, I want to live on. Iāll fight energetically to live. In a fragile body full of sickness and ill health, I will most likely just want to surrender because it is easier to. Iāve been through sick health before where I wanted nothing more than to just die because the pain was too much and it would have been so much easier to die.
--
Today was basically a repeat of yesterday. I woke up around 8, exercised, ate food, then watched movies and videos, and thought about death a lot. Iām writing this at 7 PM but there will be some New Yearās celebrations later tonight with the family. I also want to write and create this post first and publish it before the year ends. I might meet up with some friends in town in a little bit later before shortly heading back home to celebrate the New Year with my parents.
I donāt think it matters how many times I hug and talk to my parents. I will always think it wasnāt enough. I hug my parents daily, almost every time I see them. For example whenever my dad is on the couch watching television, I would go up to him and hug him and his legs and body. I have gotten really close to my parents that theyāre comfortable with me touching and hugging them at any point throughout the day. They would let me touch any part of their body, not that I would intentionally touch private areas, but theyāre just comfortable with me doing anything.
Anyway, again, no matter how many times I hug them or feel them or share emotions with them, I donāt think it will ever be enough. Thatās why I cherish every second I have with them. I will definitely miss them when they pass. I wouldnāt know what to do. Maybe cry and grief for days? Weeks? Forever? Still, theyād want me to live on. I know they would be happy with me even if I griefed for just one second and lived the rest of my life without hindrance.
I also got them to sign a piece of paper saying that I would get all their inheritance and I get to decide to do what I want with their bodies. My dad doesnāt care, he says I can eat his body if I wanted to, but Iāll most likely go with cremation for him. My mom, Iām sure she only wants the standard Christian casket burial, and she will be angry if I choose another method.
I just asked her, both of my parents got angry and started yelling that I would even bring up death today because itās the New Yearās. But she said sheād only like a Christian casket burial, and my dad gave the same answer saying he didnāt care again. They get angry whenever I bring up death, even though I think about it a lot, I never talk about it with them if I can help it.
For myself, any answer I give now wouldnāt be taken seriously because Iām 23. If I die, letās say at 50, and no I donāt want to die at 50 but Iām giving a hypothetical scenario here, any decision from my 23 year old self wouldnāt be taken into consideration. But if I were to give an answer right now, I would say Iād like my dead body to be thrown into a forest and allowed to be consumed by carnivorous animals. Thereās only around 3000 tigers left in the world, thereās less than 10,000 cheetahs left in the world, thereās very few sharks left in the world, and very few wolves left in the world. So if my body can be given up to these animals to continue the cycle of life, then Iād like that over any kind of human ritual.
Iād worry about poachers though. What if they want up and cut off some of my deceased body parts and kept them as souvenirs? Some people have no respect for the dead. But my choice would still be to be fed to the animals.
Anyway, I am heading out soon. Iāve been invited to meet some people in town. So Iām going to answer some 2016 Year in Review questions I sent to Obs so we could both answer it, but we talked and she said she most likely wasnāt going to be able to.
--
2016 End of the Year Reflection
What are your biggest accomplishments this year?
Hmm. At the beginning of the year I created this program called Canvy that allowed you to automate some of the processes in the old job I used to have. I was able to lose maybe ~30+ pounds this year and exercised often. I learned a lot about programming this year. I met a lot of awesome people and went through some awesome experiences. I had deep talks with several people throughout the year and got to understand them on very deep levels. And I made a new friend for life which made this year overall amazing.
What are the biggest lessons youāve learned?
Thereās nothing bigger than death. Iāve relearned facts about death, relearned that life is short and finite, and studied several topics surrounding death near the end of the year. Itās something Iāve kept at the back of my mind for the longest time, and that I never thought about until it just resurfaced recently. Now I think about it often and write about it often. I write honestly in my entries no matter how personal the subjects are, because none of this will really matter when Iām gone anyway. Also, I still keep a lot of things to myself, but I still write openly.
A minor lesson: That I canāt do multiple things at once. If I want to do one thing, anything, I have to put all my focus into that activity with as fewest distractions and other future tasks to do as possible or else I wouldnāt finish.
Big lesson: Vision ālossā is actually just the refocusing of the eyes towards a shorter distance due to adaptation from constantly doing āclose upā work. Vision improvement is possible when the eyes are refocused towards a further distance by adapting to constantly doing āfar outā work.
On a scale of 1-10 how satisfied are you and why with this year in these key areas:
Career
Family
For someone with my credentials, I got really lucky with the current position that I have. The company is also looking to promote me again, to a more advanced āSolutions Engineerā position, and Iām currently going through training for it. Hopefully Iāll start this new position in 2017. Do I have any complaints? No. So this is a perfect 10.
Because I started studying death and thinking about death more frequently, despite my parents getting angry at me and yell each time I bring it up, I got closer to them than ever before. Knowing that they are still alive as of this writing, fills me with unlimited satisfaction.
As a teenager, I used to write angry journal entries about them, about how much I disliked them and I would state all their flaws and why I hated them so. Now I have no hatred for them at all. I canāt have any hatred when I know theyāre mortal and theyāre not going to be here forever.
This is a 10 for sure. There is nothing I am unhappy about in terms of my family.
Relationships
I made a friend for life this year and we both enjoy supporting and taking care of each other. This has never happened in my life before and Iām eternally grateful, especially because we share so many things in common and complement each other so well.
Iām not technically in a relationship right now, but we are planning on being in a relationship in the future. So technically right now we can date whomever we want, and weāll still be there to support each other. Do I have any complaints? No. This is a perfect 10.
Health
I canāt be satisfied with this. I am definitely pleased that I lost weight this year, but it wasnāt enough. Despite exercising to try and lose more weight, I often end up eating too much food way too often. My health isnāt anywhere near satisfactory levels. Also my vision is terrible, but I learned that vision improvement is possible. I canāt help but be disappointed in terms of health and try better next year.
Iām grateful that Iām alive, but I have complaints and dissatisfactions in regards to health. This is a 5.
Productivity
I had so much time this year to accomplish anything. Yet I didnāt do anything. Barely anything. With so much time wasted, I canāt be happy with my productivity levels this year. This is a 3 or lower.
What do you want to accomplish next year, such that it's your best year ever?
Lose weight and drop down to 150 pounds minimum, go for 130 pounds if possible.
Pay of all debts and end the year without any debts
Finish my full stack developer nanodegree by May 2017
Improve eyesight, revert back to a higher vision level
Finish book with Obs
Find at least 1 client to do website contracting work for
Small steps and small goals. These are all possible and not difficult to accomplish. This is what I want for 2017. Nothing dramatic, just minor improvements to my life.
--
I just came back from hanging out with a friend. I guess everyone else was busy so it was just me and him. We visited my office first and I showed him around, heās been there before but not since it was newly renovated. He says itās 10x nicer than his office, he described his office as looking like a regular office like in the show āThe Officeā while my office was like the most fancy and creative place heās seen. It is a pretty luxurious looking place.
Anyway we talked for a while, grabbed some beers from the fridge, and drank. We ate some of the foods that were available there. Then we went out to some bars and went bar hopping. We both didnāt drink anything though since we had to drive back home and one beer was enough. We just ended up talking about different things, and after visiting the bars we went back to the āhomebaseā which was the office. Where we talked some more for a bit over an hour, he ended up drinking another beer there.
The drive home felt surreal. The streets were practically empty. There were just a few cars that I saw out in the roads when normally there are tons of cars out at this time of the night. When I got back home, I was surprised to see all the parking lot visitor spaces filled, just cars everywhere.
Iām home now making updates to this. It is the last post of 2016 so I want to make it count. I donāt have too long before the year ends, this year will never happen again. It is all surreal. Just a few months ago, it felt like 2016 would be here to stay forever. Now, itās already over. I bet 2017 will feel like it will never end too, and yet, it will end surprisingly quickly. New Yearās 2018 will be here soon enough.
Journal Day 68 - Stayed at home and watched videos
December 30th 2016
Second to last day of 2016. I woke up pretty early this morning but I didnāt have a plan for anything. Therefore, anything happened.
Iām so sleepy. Itās an hour passed midnight of the 31st now. Sleepy. Must. Sleep.
--
āI, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasnāt arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and Iām going to be happy in itā ā Groucho Marx
Hmm. He knew his mortality just as much as anybody else who has lived or will live. When he made this statement, he was here. Now he is not. I wonder what kind of days he lived?
--
Iām writing this now on the morning of the next day, but Iāll address ātodayā as if today were still the 30th.
Today I woke up pretty early at around 8 AM. I had work off today because we get New Yearās Eve off, but since New Yearās Eve fell into a Saturday, the day off was extended to the day before. We also get New Yearās Day off, but that falls into a Sunday, so we get Monday off. In summary, we get another four day weekend.
Last weekend was also a four day weekend because Christmas Eve and Christmas both fell into Saturday and Sunday. So itās amazing that we have two four day weekends in a row. I actually remember, I think it was sometime before the holidays last year, that one of my co-workers said something like ānext year weāll have two four day weekends in a row for Christmas and New Yearās,ā or something like that. And here we are. This is the two four day weekends he was talking about around a year ago. Time goes by.
Obs texted me around 11 AM that she was now leaving for her trip to Cuba. She wouldnāt be back for a week so she wonāt be able to post anything for a while. She said her goodbyes and I told her my goodbyes.
--
I donāt remember much of what happened today because not much happened today. I mainly just relaxed. I exercised in the morning for around an hour, and then I got home and started watching different videos and movies. I watched maybe 3 hours of so of death related educational videos. I learned about how different cultures around the world treat death, I learned about near death experiences and experiments to track them.
So, my belief is that near death experiences are all a phenomenon that happens in the brain. Around 3% of the population has a near death experience, my dad included (I was almost never born), and some of them report different events happening. Thereās the Life Review where a personās life flashes before their eyes, thereās the out of body experience, and thereās the tunnel of light. Thereās a scientific explanation for each one of these events, which I learned about.
One way experimenters tried to verify whether or not out of body experiences were real, was that they would place an image facing upwards above the bed of the patient. The patient wasnāt a volunteer, but someone who was nearly about to die, or had to undergo massive risky life threatening surgery, which is when common out of body experiences would occur. Multiple experimenters have tried this because it was an ingenious way to track it but so far despite the number of out of body experiences floating out of the body and āseeingā the surgery taking place, no one was able to identify the image which should have been clearly visible.
I also find the Chinese have an interesting way in treating their dead. Basically the Chinese believe a lot in their ancestry, and when a relative passes away, they perform a ritual for the soul of their ancestor to possess a sacred stone tablet. They have shrines filled with tablets of their ancestors believing that each one possesses a soul of their deceased relative, each person possessing two souls. Whenever a family event would occur, they would go to the family shrine and spread the news to their ancestors or ask them for guidance. They actually showed this in the movie Mulan, in which the dragon had to āwake upā the souls of the dead inside of their family shrine.
--
The rest of the day was normal after that. I donāt really remember doing anything else. Two friends texted me because both wanted to hang out. I could have hung out with either one, but I didnāt feel like it. So I guess it was a little rude of me to just ignore their texts and replying late, but I really wasnāt feeling up to going out.
āWho was the fool? Who the wise? Who the beggar or the emperor? Whether rich or poor, all are equal in death.ā - Unknown
This photo depicts Danse Macabre or āDance of Death.ā Thereās thousands of images of this art style and it is one of the scariest looking things. This art style features a normal person standing next to and holding the hands of a skeleton who seems to be dancing with joy. This image in particular shows a king, a queen, and a pope, all suffering the same fate as any other, hence the quote.
The creepiest Danse Macabre image Iāve seen features a doppelganger, where a jester has his hand held by a dancing skeleton who is also wearing the same jester outfit. It looks very creepy because they look almost like twins, and also the way the skeleton was drawn. I think Iāll have nightmares. I might post an image of what that looks like tomorrow, as long as the image is in the public domain. But it looks terrifying.
Since I talk about death so often in these entries, Iām just going to make the initial part of the post about death, my thoughts on it, research I've found, etc. Then the rest will be about anything else. I donāt know how long Iāll do this for, but it will be a constant reminder for me as well that death is looming.
--
Today I woke up pretty normally. I came in to work late again, this time my excuse was that I share 2 cars with 3 people in the household, and sometimes both cars are occupied. Sometimes my parents share one car, one drives the other to work and drops them off, then heads to work themselves.
I woke up at 8 and was ready to head out at 9, but I ended up leaving after 10. It was because I sat at home waiting for my dad to get back because I thought he used one of the cars. It turns out my parents carpooled into one car, and I sat at home waiting for a car to be available when instead I could have went to the parking lot and seen the car there.
Anyway, I got into the office and there was scheduled Solutions Engineer training for me and my team. The meeting was supposed to start at I think 10 AM, and I got in rather late, I think 10:20 AM. I mean the person the company hired is this professional sales trainer and they are not cheap, I have heard that theyāre hired at a few hundred thousand dollars for doing just a few days of training.
During my one hour of āwaitingā for the car to show up, I read a bit of a sales book, Breaking through the no barrier. During the Solutions Engineer training, a lot of basic sales questions were asked and we were asked to write what we thought the answers were into a sticky note. The trainer would then gather up all the sticky notes and read out the answers he thought were best. Because I read just a little bit of that book, I was able to answer a lot of questions correctly and I felt on top of it all.
I was really slow to react other events though. The conversations and training was fast paced and interactive. One second you were listening to an advanced concept, the next second youāre chosen to go up to the front and present your ideas, which actually happened to me. Other times youāre chosen randomly to answer a random question or give your opinion about something. I think this happened to me more frequently than the others because I knew a lot of the answers, and also because I came in late.
This begs the question then, which to choose: a few hundred thousand dollarsā worth of sales training or a $3 book? Honestly the training so far was amazing and worth every penny. But, I was able to get similar or the same information from a $3 book, just reading a few pages.
--
Afterwards our team went out golfing. We went to this place called TopGolf and played golf for a while. It was insanely fun, the environment was extremely high class and the food was delicious. Everything was paid for the company so we splurged out on our team building meal. I felt so fat. There was so much food and beer that we ate that it was unbelievable, and it was all extremely delicious.
I did terribly in the golf games though. I got third place in the first game which was decent, but last place in every other game. Each golf ball had a chip, so it would tell you how far you went each time you hit the ball, and how many points you got per hit. You can only get points if you hit designated targets. There were hundreds of other people playing at the same exact time, with hundreds of golf balls flying in the air at any given second, so it was amazing to see it still track your score as you hit.
--
When I arrived home I looked in the mirror when I got home though and I didnāt look fatter than I did normally. Weird. I fear gaining weight because thatās against one of my goals. And Iāve already lost weight before and experienced tremendous benefit from it, Iād hate to regress backwards and face all the problems I used to deal with over again.
My stomach was full throughout the entire day. Even as I type this at midnight, my stomach still feels full, and I cannot eat a bite. Keep in mind itās been nearly 12 hours since I ate any food, and I still feel full. That is exceptionally rare and this is probably a bad sign. I usually eat many times throughout the day because of the constant hunger pangs.
Iām planning on exercising tonight even though I feel so full as if I just ate. That is honestly how I feel despite not having touched food in nearly half a day.
--
Last night I sent Obs a list of music that I thought she would enjoy, but it turns out she didnāt like any except for one, and we kept talking about music related topics throughout the day today, just emailing each other, even while I was golfing. Later that night I knew that today would possibly be Obsā last day before she would head of the country and lose contact with me and anyone else on the Internet for a while, so I sent her a text message and we had a long conversation.
Before going to sleep last night, I was so sleepy so I skimmed her post and thought that she wrote about our entire conversation in her entry for the day. I just read her entire entry now and there were only certain parts taken from our conversation, mainly about the New Year and goal setting. From my view of those certain parts, my goal was to help her to learn to find pleasure in being productive, and to spend her time learning new skills and refining her current ones, especially while she was still in her youth.
Actually, at that age I had conversations with others about it being ātoo lateā for me to master any skill because I was too old, my complaint being I didnāt start years earlier. Now that Iām 23, I have the opposite view; that Iām still very young right now and itās the perfect time to learn and master any skill even if I started off as a beginner knowing nothing. Yet at her age, it would be even better because she has all this time as a head start.
Her current age right now is perfect to practice and train, and so I asked her to come up with a plan and to set some goals especially for the New Year. I donāt remember her telling me in our conversation, but in her entry she posted about her portfolio and the book to be published as her two main goals. Those are excellent goals, now if only she worked on them daily and with all her passion and energy.
Day 66 - Last night, eBay, work, and more death...?
December 28th 2016
I was planning on running outside at 10 PM last night but writing my journal entry kept me working on it for a while. It was 11 PM and then 12 AM before I knew it. All I remember is that at around 9:30 PM, I made a plan to go exercise. At 11 PM, I looked at the time and thought it was going by too fast. Then it was suddenly 12 AM. I donāt think I spent that entire 2.5 hours working on the journal entry though, I probably did other activities in between.
--
Anyway, in last nightās post I talked about how I apologized to Obs that morning because I still felt terrible from the day before. She had already forgiven me in our email conversation, but I felt like it still wasnāt enough so I posted another apology to her entry yesterday.
I didnāt expect this, but she apologized for making me feel terrible, and I only felt terrible because I felt really apologetic for what I did. In a way, she apologized to me for having apologized to her. As I read it, I thought āObs, you didnāt have to apologize, Iām the one apologizingā¦ā
So I texted her, she replied right away, and we shared a personal moment together.
--
This morning I disassembled the Ion iCade and shipped it out. It took me around 1 Ā½ hours and driving back and forth from my home to the USPS store to get a box that fit, to be able to ship it at the right price. All in all I think I spent over $40 on shipping the item, while the item sold for $73. I didnāt expect it to cost so much in shipping. I got the item for around $30, so all in all it was break even. But considering all that time and effort I spent shipping it and packing it up, it was an overall big loss.
I was frustrated at eBay the entire time while driving back and forth. Why couldnāt I just cancel the order? I didnāt realize the shipping would be more than the value of the item when I listed the item, and since the buyer paid, I have to ship it or else risk suffering heavy penalties. Big middle finger to eBay.
Man I completely despise that website. I have been hating it for years ever since Iāve sold any item on there. Iāve written rants about it for years. Being a seller on eBay is one of the worst experiences anyone can ever go through. There is this one website called: āfuckyouebay.com/ā and there are non-stop rants about eBay on that website.
Not like it matters, I have been complaining about eBay for years and nothing has changed. It is the worst selling experience that has ever existed. I cannot even express my frustration well enough in words. I can create a logical structure by listing out all the things wrong with it, but I just donāt feel like it. The list is endless and I completely hate with a burning fury all that is eBay. I use it often to purchase items because there is no better website to buy items. The sellers on eBay always lose, the buyers on eBay always win.
Here is a typical example of what happens to an eBay seller:
āSooooo i sold a item, buyer claimed it did not work.. He opened a case.. I offered a full refund if the item was returned.. He then escalated the case, and guess what. They sided with him and refunded his money.. One little thing thoughā¦ HE DID NOT RETURN THE ITEM!!! What is wrong with these people.. Are you allowed to go to walmart buy a toaster, and go back to walmart a month later demanding your money back without returning the toaster?? Fuck ebay!!!"
And another one, better worded:
āeBayās buyer protection program is allowing buyers to rip off honest sellers. You can ship a working item to the buyer, the buyer can remove parts that work, install parts that donāt and simply complain and get all their money refunded leaving you out the shipping and now holding a non working piece of shit. Ebay allows them to do this over and over and over again. There is literally no seller protection. You are at total risk when you sell something. If you cross paths with one of these crooks that needs some innards of your item (normally vintage) you are going to get screwed and ebay helps them screw you. All they have to do is tell ebay that the item was received ānot as describedā Ā The seller is at Total risk on Ebay. Good luck.ā
Iām not even joking with how messed up it is for sellers. Sellers pay all the fees. They process the payment through PayPal, paypal takes a cut. The item was sold on eBay so eBay takes a cut. Then the post office takes a cut for the shipping. Plus you have to buy a box and the padding and the tape to ship out items in, and then drive to the post office and then stand in line and then drive back home and sulk at all the time youāve wasted.
There is zero seller protection. Even if you say āNO RETURNS ALLOWEDā in a listing, if a buyer says āI want to return the item for no reason other than to annoy youā guess what? You have to now give them a full refund AND pay for the return shipment back. Even if you sold a brand new unopened item, and it came back opened and broken, you have to give a full refund.
There are so many cases where the buyer didnāt even return the item, and the seller was forced to give a full refund. There are so many cases, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of cases maybe. I cannot express my frustration with this website enough, but I still continue to use it because I want to get rid of my items and it is the largest auction site on the Internet even if it is corrupt.
--
Work was normal. I came in late because of the driving back and forth and the shipping of the item, so I missed a meeting with a client that was supposed to be at 10 AM. Oh well, another person took up the task. I can honestly try to describe work, but it is insanely boring. Itās just sitting there for 8 hours doing computer work. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Tomorrow is supposed to be a team get-together event though, so weāre going out bowling or golfing, and weāre going out to a fancy restaurant to eat fancy foods, all paid for by the company. I still need to run tonight.
--
When I got home, I started studying a little, and I checked up on my homework assignments, they were all done of course. Then I ate too much food. Too. Much. Food. I still need to run tonight, but Iām planning on sending Obs a playlist of songs first before I head out. Sheās going to be sitting in a car or a plane for hours on end, so Iāll send her some songs she can enjoy listening to.
Also I just found out that Debbie Reynolds, the mother of Carrie Fisher, just died. One day later after her daughter. It isnāt a coincidence. She felt like she didnāt have a reason to live anymore, and she wanted to be with her daughter. You know you can kill yourself without ever physically doing anything? Just wish to die more than anything, give up all that you are, and wish for nothing else but for death, and death will come and greet you. Your subconscious brain is powerful and capable of anything. Iāve read that people falling from tall buildings die before they even touch the ground; their brain knows their imminent doom, so it cuts everything off before any suffering would take place.
An article published a week or two ago described that same effect, a deer killed himself just by willing it. The article cites āstressā as the cause, but it wanted to die. A deer was in a cage, many people were staring at it and started to crowd around it, it felt alone and scared, it didnāt know what the people were going to do and just wished to die, and so it died. I then question why canāt animals in captivity kill themselves? I think surrounded by their suffering peers, they donāt choose to die just yet because they feel a sense of comradery, but if alone and faced with the same torture; only willing death can ease the suffering.
Hmm. This morning I woke up still feeling terrible for asking Obs for more even after she already expressed her deepest feelings and emotions through her personalized handmade gift and letter to me just the day before. It just felt so bad. What more could I even ask for? Why did I ask for more? Yesterday I quickly wrote about the event, and then went off to study. It was my way then, of retreating from the world and did an activity I felt safe and comfortable in doing.
I gave her my deepest apologies through email and she quickly forgave me shortly afterwards. Yet I couldnāt help myself but apologize again this morning. I found her post, read it, and then commented my thoughts and included another apology.
The song āLast Christmasā played through my head:
āLast Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it awayā
I felt like I did something like that this Christmas XD. I think I did terrible this year but Iām really looking forward to more Christmasā together with Obs so I can show her that I can do a much better job.
--
Anyway, I closed my FB account back in October of this year. I had a lot of friends on there, so some of them were bound to message me again looking for me months down the road. My friend Person apparently emailed me last night at 12 AM so I saw her message this morning shortly after waking up. She said she lost her phone and tried contacting me on Instagram, I didnāt show up on FB, so she was wondering if I blocked her and was now avoiding her.
I didnāt know what to say, so I held off replying until tonight. I replied back just a few minutes ago. I told her I wasnāt trying to avoid her or anything, I closed my FB because it was distracting, and gave her my number in case she wanted to get in touch again.
I donāt know. I feel like Iāve abandoned a lot of people by closing FB. So many friendships made. So many friendships cut off. People who want to get in touch with me probably wouldnāt be able to because my FB is closed. Most people who know me donāt have my number, but they have my FB. Yet how can I receive any messages if there is no account for me to receive messages with?
--
I went to work and it was the most relaxing day. I didnāt have any need whatsoever to go into the quiet room to lie down, which is rare because I go in there to lie down almost daily. I wasnāt feeling overwhelmed by anything at work today, yet I still went in to lie down for a while.
I got the news that Carrie Fisher died before most people in the office, so I posted it in one of the main Slack channels and got a lot of responses right away. Her death is so depressing. Fuck. It touched me even more deeply because this weekend after receiving the news that she was in the hospital, I did some research on Carrie Fisher and I looked at her old pictures from when she was younger, this was back in the 1980s. That wasnāt even that long ago, it was only 36 years ago meaning she was around 24 at the time the photos were taken. Holy shit, thatās around my age.
Time goes by fast. Life ends before you realize it. Never waste a second.
Yet here I am wasting seconds. Carrie Fisherās passing. There goes a life, and life goes on. Itās part of the process. We live, then we die. Yet when we die, itās as if we had never lived. So in reality, life is all an illusion because everything we have to come to realize disappears in our deaths. In our deaths, our lives never existed. In our deaths, nothing that we can observe or experience while alive has ever existed.
Where is Carrie Fisher now? In Limbo? Does she realize where she has gone? Is there really just nothingness upon our deaths? Millions of animals are slaughtered a day. Iām not going to question that they are every bit as conscious and aware of their life and surroundings as we are, because I believe that. Where do they go upon their deaths? Limbo? Are they still in their animal form?
All I know is that life is too short. Ask me about my teenage years and to me they have gone by too fast. Gone in the blink of an eye. Ask an 80+ year old about how quickly their life has passed right before them, and theyāll describe life as sand quickly slipping through the cracks of their fingertips. As a life ends, another begins. Carrie Fisherās life ended today. May she and may we all rest in peace.
Obs and I had a very long email conversation this morning. This Christmas we sent each other our hearts and all our emotions within. Yet I tried to get more from her already drained emotions. She cried out saying I had already drained all her love and wasnāt giving her enough time to recover. So we concluded that we would stop this excessiveness and just have normal conversations from now on.
I felt so terrible, but she was really quick to forgive.
Weāre both at the point now where we fully understand what we mean to each other. Weāll still work on projects together, weāll still do activities together, but no more excessiveness expressing what we mean to each other every single time.
--
Iām spending the rest of the day in my studies and organizing my life so I donāt think there will be anything more to add.
When I woke up this morning I think the first thing I did was work on the gift program for Obs this Christmas. I wanted to send her a program I made that she could use, so I worked on a program that you would type in an authorās name on the website, and it would download all of their journal entries to a folder of the authorās name. I was mostly done with everything already, I just had to compile everything. The thing is that the compiler I used wasnāt able to grab dependencies for one of the modules, so the entire compiling failed.
But from my system I still ran the program to back up all of Obsā posts to date, which was around 309 posts, and also saved the comments. I still had the source code so I thought that would suffice instead of a single .exe, because that part of the plan didnāt work, and I think it would be many hours before I figured out the issue.
Anyway, I checked my phone and it turns out she wished me a Merry Christmas last night at around 12 AM, I didnāt notice because my phone wasnāt near me last night. I replied to her text really late and also wished her a Merry Christmas! Then I worked on the email and the gifts to send her.
I have these 255 games that I purchased but never redeemed, and Obs enjoys playing video games, so that was the first thing I wrote about in the email. She could choose any three games and I would give her the codes for what she chose.
Then I added the program I created for her to use and wrote a brief description of what it did. I wasnāt able to include the .exe so she could run it on her system because it didnāt compile correctly. I wasnāt ready to dedicate hours to fixing it today, so I just sent her all her journal entries to date, and the source code of the program so she could learn from it.
The last part of the email was a personal message about what our friendship meant to me so far and that I wanted it to last forever. I sent the email and the gifts to her. Afterwards I texted her saying I just sent my gifts over. I also asked that when she sent her gift, if she could include as much detail about her personal gift as possible.
--
Afterwards I worked on my other presents, I also did some cleaning and some organizing of my room. The Macbook Pro return arrived yesterday. I opened the package, and verified to see if the Macbook Pro was the same one I sent. Same specs, looked good. Then I took photos of it so I can sell it on eBay again.
I did some other random things like watch a Tokyo documentary with my dad, because he was watching it and I was just sucked in as I walked by, and I ate.
--
Before noon Obsā present and personal email message arrived. The message which was about both of us and the strong bond and friendship that we had, was sweet and deeply touching. I sent her a similar reply in turn and set the wallpaper she sent as both my desktop wallpaper and lockscreen wallpaper.
--
Then I worked more on other presents, took a shower, got dressed for the Christmas family party we were about to go to, and then we headed out. My parents had so many presents to bring, we had probably around 20 or more presents to give in total that our hands were full getting to the car.
About a quarter of the drive to the party which was an hour away, we had to turn around because we forgot the cake. We first tried some grocery stores, but they were all closed. Driving back home was the only option. We grabbed the cake and started heading back to the party, we wasted some time and gas on the drive.
When we got there the party was already booming. There were a lot of relatives who were there. I found my quiet group of cousins near my age sitting at a corner and I joined them. We talked about a lot of different things and had fun. One of them was wearing a shirt that said āLit Buuā and it had Majin Buu on it, he got it for Christmas as a gift from another cousin. It was the sickest shirt I had ever seen and we couldnāt stop laughing at the entire concept.
It was a rave shirt. The entire shirt was filled with a pink hue of colors, and it had four large copies of Majin Buu in all four corners in the running pose making a huge excited smiling face. In the middle it said ālit buuā in all lowercase. Freaking sickest and most hilarious shirt ever created. It just made absolutely no sense. āLit Buu.ā LIT. BUU. WHAT? Anyway it was freaking awesome and hilarious.
I gave them my drone present as a gift and they were so happy. We werenāt able to turn it on at first though because of the lack of battery for the controller and we didnāt have any USB hubs to charge the drone into. We were able to get batteries from my aunt who hosted the party, but we still needed a hub to power on the drone. Later on near the end of the party, I opened my own gifts and one of them was a nice battery pack that doubled as a earbud case.
We plugged the drone into the hub for just 10 seconds because they had to leave, but with that much time the drone was able to lift off the ground and it wowed everyone who was watching.
There were a lot of events that happened and conversations that we had, but they were all pretty normal and fun. I received a fancy looking hoodie jacket made of nice material, that nice earbud case that doubled as a battery, and a 24 oz vacuum flask. Also some chocolate.
One of my cousins who forgot to get a gift said he was ordering me new Bluetooth earbuds to fit into the case. Another one wanted to gift me the game Overwatch, but I told him I didnāt play games that often anymore and I donāt think I would spend a lot of time playing Overwatch. So idk what heāll get me now, but he said he would get me something.
--
After that we drove home. My parents were both passed out in the car because it was going to be a long hour drive. My dad drank a bit of alcohol and wine at the party so he appeared as if he were basically dead. On the drive home I could not help but think about death again.
I just thought about ālast wordsā, and if my dad were to pass away in the car, I wouldnāt remember the last thing he said because it was about random normal stuff, not anything profound, maybe āI checked and it wasnāt thereā when asked about a Christmas present we left behind or something. I donāt even remember what he said.
Then I thought about my own last words. I imagined myself in old age, broadcasting out to the world through live camera feed, surrounded by people around me in my deathbed. I say my last words and then I imagined myself closing my eyes and dying. Blackness, but not existing. There wouldnāt be any black, there wouldnāt be anything. There would just be nonexistence. No more emotions, no more pain, no more memories, no more anything. People still alive would be watching my last words and think āand now heās gone,ā but I wouldnāt be there to react in any way because I would never be there again. And thinking about that terrified me. A life should never be wasted. I thought a lot in that drive home.
Iām going to start dating these entries like Obs does in her posts. It is such a good idea, Iām wondering why I never did it before. Also I accidentally titled yesterdayās entry as Day 62 when it was supposed to be Day 61. Since Iām a bit behind in my entries, Iām writing this on Christmas December 25th, but Iāll word things as if ātodayā were December 24th.
Anyway, like I said in yesterdayās post, I passed out while watching a Lance Armstrong documentary. I passed out around 8 PM with my contacts still on. Usually I sleep around 12 or 1 AM and wake up at 7 or 8 AM. Because I fell asleep 4 hours earlier than I was supposed to, guess what? I woke up 4 hours earlier than I was supposed to, at around 3 AM and was wide awake when everyone else was asleep.
So I didnāt do anything except for watch YouTube videos. I have no idea what got me so interested in watching science and physics videos, but I started watching tons of them for hours on end. I remember also watching some sports videos like Top 10 Baseball Passes and Top 10 Table Tennis videos, which then transitioned to Ping Pong techniques videos and Ping Pong equipment videos.
I remember being shocked that a ping pong ābladeā which is the wooden handle, and the rubber placed on both sides can cost $500+, and lots of people buy them. There was also this really insanely in depth video comparing two ping pong rubbers that you could purchase and the review was 30 minutes long.
I just cannot believe how much effort was placed into comparing two different rubbers. There was a grip test, a bounce test, a tackiness test, both rubbers were taken apart and viewed under a zoomed in camera, pros were brought in to test each rubber, and there was even a machine used that took pictures and graphed a ballās highest bounce points when in contact with the rubber. Just insane.
I had nothing else to do and tried to go asleep again at around 10 AM, and ended up napping for an hour or two before I decided to drive to the office. The only reason why I watched videos that entire time was because I had no idea what time it was. I just kept on clicking on the āsuggested videosā that would show up, and this went on for a few hours. Before I knew it, it was already freaking 10 AM.
I just wanted to watch one video, thatās all. But I learned that in any field, there is a high level that you can reach and thereās lots of things to learn along the way. Even in an activity that looks pretty straightforward, ping pong, there were still and endless number of things to learn.
--
In the office since I had multiple monitors to use, I put a movie up in one monitor and Obsā program that I would work on in the other monitor. I watched a couple of anime videos and also an anime movie, The Wind Rises. The Wind Rises is an anime not-100%-accurate biography of a Japanese airplane engineer.
You watch the main character start off as a kid going through school, you watch him get his first job, you watch him work and travel places, you watch him meet his wife, get married, he makes his masterpiece aircraft design, wife dies, and in the end he retires. Itās just so surprising how quickly life passes by, an entire life can be summed in the span of a few hours of a movie.
I also watched Hellsing Ultimate, which is a really old anime. I only watched episode 8 and 9 because I only wanted to see Alexander Andersonās death. This is my first time watching the anime so I had to read up on each of the characters and plot on the wikia page, after a quick read I understood the whole story, then I was able to enjoy the fight between Alucard and Anderson more. It was an awesome battle.
Anyway, while doing all this anime watching I was also working on Obsā program. It took me many hours of work testing everything and trying to get it all working. It had been a while since I created a GUI, so I had to read the documentation on how to do that again. At around 8 or 9 PM I knew that the video watching was distracting me, actually I knew that multi-tasking from the start wasnāt a good idea but it was pleasurable, so I turned it off to fully focus on programming. Around 11 PM I drove back home because it was almost Christmas.
At home I turned on the TV and showed my dad Episode 8 of Hellsing Ultimate. I watched a few minutes of it with him before going back to programming, and just let it on for him to watch.
Both my parents were awake at 12 AM for Christmas and they just ate food. I hate some fruits that were available. I got some of my presents ready. Anyway, I got back to working on the program for Obs.
Even around 1 AM I still wasnāt done with the gift. I tried compiling it to a single .exe but kept running into issues. There were just these bugs that existed. But anyway, at 1 AM it was mostly done, and I was so exhausted at that point I had no choice but to go to sleep
To Obs: Today was your first post in a while, so welcome back :) I was a bit late for these posts but here they are! Iām going to work on December 25thās entry now.
Journal Day 61 - Free day, exercise, chores, weekly talk with Obs
Free day. I found out yesterday as I was heading out and telling people āSee you tomorrow!ā and they corrected me saying that we donāt actually have work today. So now Iām at home, not sure what to do. The time is 9:34 AM in the morning and the rest of the day is up for grabs. Anything is possible, within certain limitations of course.
I reread a bit of last nightās entry and as I was typing it up last night, I thought my post was profound. It talked about life, death, time, etc. But as I read it, the writing tended to repeat itself. For example I wrote:
āIāll look back on Day 120 to Day 60 and think about how quickly that time went. Time goes by quickly and I never want to waste a second, but often times I do. Seconds are wasted.ā
That really ruined the reading experience for me. My writing needs to flow better, and I think the repetition killed it. Also my selfie at Day 60? Super bad compared with my selfie from Day 58. Overall I wasnāt happy with Day 60ās entry.
--
Alright since I donāt have a plan for the day, Iām going to list out the things I need to do and do them:
Disassemble Ion iCade for shipping (sold in less than 12 hours on eBay for $73)
Exercise
Work on school
Work on gift for Obs
Weekly talk tonight with Obs
Since itās pretty early in the morning and Iām feeling really bored, really fat, really ugly, and really tired, Iām going to go out and exercise. Iām just going to run for around an hour or so.
I messaged Obs telling her my plans and that I was available throughout the day before heading out. She said she just woke up and was still not feeling well. I was hesitant to messaging her in the first place to be honest because she kinda just blew me off last night. After I asked her how she was feeling, she said she was playing games with some friends and abruptly wished me a good night not letting me put another word in. I put more words in of course and sent them, and also said good night. Throughout the night until right now as I type this, I didnāt get any replies, so I felt hesitant to even send her any messages at all.
But she replied quickly to my new messages this morning. I told her we could still skype whenever since I didnāt have work today, and that we would still do our weekly talk tonight. Tonightās weekly talk will probably be the last one of the year since we might not be able to have our weekly talk next week. She says she might not be able to make it next week due to travelling circumstances. Itās the day before New Yearās Eve after all. Iāve experienced 22 of them already? Each one feels the same, but different.
Anyway, time to go exercise.
--
When youāre running out in the cold at near freezing or below freezing temperatures, you either run or die. At least, thatās what it was like for me. My body and legs were warm, but my hands and face felt cold as I ran. My hands kept feeling numb because of the cold, and I balled them up into a fist to preserve heat, yet they still felt numb. I knew underneath my jacket I was sweating a lot, so if I stopped running the sweat would freeze, and I would get sick. About 2 miles in I knew that there was no easy way back, it was either run or die, and it was impossible to walk in this kind of cold.
--
When I got back home I took off the jacket I was running in and despite it being freezing cold outside, my shirt underneath was completely soaked with sweat. I changed clothes and lied down for a few minutes, the day fully new and still ahead of me. I could have done anything including study which would have been the best use of my time, but most of what I did was just lazily watch videos and do some chores. I watched Adam Ruins Everythingās Christmas special and The Tale of Princess Kaguya, a movie I watched with a female friend last year, man does time move fast.
--
The aquarium for my goldfish these past two days has had really cloudy water. I didnāt know what was wrong, I did a few water changes over the past few days, sometimes doing 50%ā60% water replacement and the water always remained cloudy as it did. Because my normal water changes didnāt work, I figured it had to be something wrong with the filter. The filter we have is this large external filter that sits on the ground below the desk that the aquarium itself was on, it goes through 3-5 different levels of filtration.
Anyway, normally when I would work with the filter I would place these plastic garbage bags on the carpet and place the filter on top of it. This time however I was being a little lazy and felt like I could do it without any safety precautions. I unplugged the filter from the wall, and I sat on the floor in front of the filter. There were two tubes connected to it going up to the aquarium, one sucked in water, the other one expelled it. Because it was unplugged, I thought it wouldnāt operate anymore. Well it turns out once a tube starts siphoning water, as long as that side of the tube is underwater, it tends to keep on siphoning water and expelling it on the other end.
I just looked up the physics behind water siphons online and thereās no conclusive theory in how that entire process works. I completely forgot about it while I was working with the filter today. The filter is separated into two rectangular blocks; the top block is where the tubes connect, the lower part is a bucket of water that the water is filtered through. It was designed this way so you can detach the entire bottom part, take it to a sink, and clean it without having to mess with the top part. As I was unlocking the tight lock that kept the two combined, water slowly started coming out, I thought it was normal water spilling out from the slight movement I gave it by unlocking the connectors. That theory was completely wrong.
Imagine a hose placed into of a bucket filled with water, and then the hose was turned on. What happens? Water starts spilling from the sides of the bucket. Thatās what happened here. The entire carpet got wet, it was completely soaked, almost flooding, and the water kept flowing. I realized right away, but too late, that one of the tubes was still completely underwater and kept on siphoning water. So I lifted it up, the water stopped flowing, but it was too late, the carpet was already soaked.
Anyway, without getting into too much detail, it took me around 2 hours to clean everything up and it took up all the towels we had. My mom was furious when she got home.
--
Afterwards I got on my computer and noticed a message from Obs from 30 minutes ago. It took me a while to get back to her because I was doing chores, but she replied shortly afterwards saying she was going to be gone the rest of the day, implying we should do our weekly talk now.
We did our weekly talk and connected with each other like usual. It was most likely going to be our last weekly talk of the year since she was going to be gone next week, most likely not even having Internet access so she wouldnāt even be able to update her journal for a while. She was still not feeling well, which I was really surprised at, so I did most of the talking because I donāt think she was fully in the mood to even talk or do anything at all because of her sickness, so Iām glad she even took any time to spend with me.
Well since it was the last talk of the year, and we usually have fun and talk about personal topics, I asked for her to finally send me a picture of herself. This entire time I didnāt know what she looked like since sheās very private about her appearance online. She said she was ready to reveal her appearance a while back but I wasnāt ready to see her yet. With the close of 2016 approaching, I wanted the reveal to happen this year.
Thanks for revealing yourself to me Obs, it had to be a very personal decision. She looked really sweet and innocent with her glasses on and soft smile, even though you can already tell her personality from the entries that she wrote. Despite the big reveal, I didnāt want to talk about her appearance in our conversation much because our friendship and connection was based on more than that, so I just commented on her looking very young with the world ahead of her.
We didnāt have too much time to spend with each other today because she had to leave soon, so we just talked more about the friendship and support we gave each other and the projects we were working on. Weāre planning on doing a gift exchange through email this Christmas and I hope she feels a lot better by then. Weāre exchanging personal creations we made ourselves to share with the other.
Since our weekly talks started, throughout the week before we saw each other, I would come up with a few different ideas we could talk about. Because we didnāt have time today, I wasnāt able to fully go through them all, which was fine, these ideas can be reserved for next time. We talked a lot throughout the week anyway with us texting each other every morning and afternoon this week. Our next talk would be on January 13th of next year since thatās the first Friday she would be available.
--
Afterwards I started watching a Lance Armstrong documentary. I passed out and fell asleep afterwards.
To Obs: I enjoyed our chat tonight, get well soon!
60 days already? Iāve been doing practically the same exact thing for 60 days now and not much has changed, which is expected. Iām not expecting a lot of change since Iām intentionally going slow, Iām expecting slow change over time which I can actually handle. These slow 60 days have been pretty life changing so far.
Hmm. Looking back on my entry from Day 1, I now know every single event that would happen from Day 1 through Day 60. Looking ahead from Day 60 through Day 120, I have no idea what will happen from today until then. It feels like a really long time too. 60 Days? Any number of things could happen from now until then.
I know in the future, Iāll look back on Day 120 to Day 60 and think about how quickly that time went. Time goes by quickly and I never want to waste a second, but often times I do. Seconds are wasted and those seconds can add up to a lifetime.
In all honesty though, anything we do now might not ultimately matter in the end. The end on a personal level meaning when we die, the ultimate end meaning the end of all life in the universe. The event of all life in the universe ending is not foreseeable just like I canāt see Day 61 through Day 120 occurring, but those days will occur, and all life in the universe will eventually end.
No matter how powerful anyone becomes, no matter what kind of legacy they create while theyāre alive, no matter what legends they created of themselves, what great things theyāve done, the resources theyāve accumulated, and everything else, it all doesnāt matter because when that individual dies, it all goes away.
Letās say I die. Up until my death, I know for a fact that I, Megg Gawat, wrote these entries. Up until the second that I die, I know from my own life that I existed, that I created, that I felt and experienced. One second after my passing, I cease to exist, and I cease to exist until the end of time. Therefore, who wrote these journal entries? Megg Gawat. But who is that? I just died and ceased to exist, there is now no conscious evidence of who I am. I donāt know or care about what accomplishments Iāve done in my life because I have no memory of it all.
Iām looking at life from a death perspective, from my deathbed looking back to Day 60, I know all the events that will occur. Once Iām dead, I know nothing of ever having been myself and no one else can claim to be me. So again I ask, who wrote these journal entries? Iām not satisfied with āCogito, ergo sum,ā because the person who said that statement doesnāt exist anymore and he can never prove that he ever existed. Once Iām dead, I cannot prove that I ever existed. No one can definitively say that we exist because upon our deaths, we cease to exist and we cannot prove having ever existed. We only exist for the limited time that we are here.
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What happened at work today? If I were being honest, it was a very relaxed work day. I woke up early this morning and went to work early too because I felt charged. At work I just worked on the basic things that I needed to work on. It wasnāt hard or difficult at all considering Iām at a master skill level of what I do.
Obs and I texted while I was at work too. She didnāt update her journal entry today so I donāt know what happened from her perspective. But I had a good time talking to her like always, I was at my desk in front of the computer texting, she was probably lying in bed resting due to her illness. We talked about future projects we would do together after we finished our first book like games and YouTube videos. Again, I had a really good time talking to her because I felt supported and validated.
Work was mostly a chill day with a lot of people not actually even doing any work at all. Some people were playing video games, two people in my team didnāt show up at all, people were walking around and talking and having fun. I worked on my homework assignment for my CS 1101 class and finished everything.
Everything in that class is basically easy, I already know about most of what it teaches. Today though I learned about map, filter, reduce, and lambda functions. Partially from what the class taught, but mainly from own research looking up what they do. Iāve seen people using in source code before, but I just had no idea how to use it or what they meant, but I do now, which is awesome.
Afterwards I went home, and did absolutely nothing for 5 hours? Holy crap. I did absolutely nothing here. The time just flew by, I didnāt even notice a second passing, and itās time to go to sleep already.
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To Obs: When you texted me tonight that you wouldnāt be writing an entry again because of feeling sick, I shouldāve stopped you and advised you to write what you could. You donāt get these days back and it gets harder to remember past events the more days that accumulate. Don't waste a second.
Journal Day 59 - In debt again, Obs is sick, things in perspective
So shall we live, so too shall we die. Whenever something bad happens to me, I try to think about how short life is and that I shouldnāt really worry about anything. That really puts things into perspective no matter how large the problem is. Anyway, I just need to be more prepared for the future because an unexpected event did happen today.
I posted maybe a week or two ago that I had more money in the bank that I had in debts. Well, that statement just reversed itself. I now have more debt again. Not by a lot, but basically the person who purchased my Macbook Pro for $1450 on eBay issued a return request. Itās so frustrating because I thought this problem had been solved already, here it is resurfacing. I hate using eBay to sell things, the sellers have no rights. I love it for purchasing things though for that same exact reason.
Iām not sure what Iāll do with the Macbook Pro once itās returned. Should I sell it again? Should I just send it over to the Philippines so my cousins over there can use it? Itās really expensive, plus computers and laptops there arenāt that common last time I went. I might just send it over to them. But again, Iām debt again now. Fuck. It is a headache, but not that big of a headache. I take it as a wake-up call. Iām frustrated and disappointed in myself.
I mean yeah $1450 isnāt that much, what Iām frustrated by is how this small event affected me so much. How much money had I thrown away over the years enslaved to debt, purchasing items I didnāt really need? I used to not even care about money, like $300? Who cares? But now, Heck, even $50 is valuable at this point. I want to spare every penny.
And I know that once I have more money than debt again, Iāll start to relax. Iāll be like āYeah $500 who cares?ā but I should really care. Iāll record this day as a day of frustration. Fuck. Money is a really frustrating topic, I donāt want to feel this way ever again.
Hmm. When you really compare your problems to death, itās as if you have no problems. What am I even worried about at all? Still, I need to be more prepared in the future. Being in debt is absolutely terrible. I need to learn to spend my time and resources better.
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Obs and I talked a lot today. Last night I posted an emotional comment on Obsā latest post at the time and wasnāt sure how she would take it. The comment was about how I felt a little hurt from an answer she gave in the book weāre writing together. Would she hate me for posting such an emotional and personal comment?
First thing I did that morning was log onto the website and I found that both of our entries were already pushed down to the bottom of the page ā in less than 10 hours. Usually, including the day before, it would have taken a full 24 hours and our entries would still be on the first page, but around 8-10 hours later, we were already at the bottom of the page? Wow. Lots of new posts in that 10 hour range.
Anyway, I went over to her latest entry and deleted the bottom half of my comment. She could still see it from her end though, through the email that was sent to her.
Around 8:30 AM, she would normally be awake and fully prepared at this point ready to go on the bus, if not already sitting on the bus. I texted her my well wishes for the day, and no reply. Kind of weird because she would normally text back instantly. It went on for about 2 hours, I was already at work at this point.
I wasnāt sure how she was feeling, maybe she hated me for posting that comment and was ignoring me and my texts? So I sent another text apologizing for posting it. A little bit later she replied herself apologizing in the delay of the reply, saying that she was sick and had been sleeping all day. She also said she was sorry for making me feel that way from the answer she wrote, saying she didnāt like the answer she gave either. She sounded like she really cared a lot that her answer made me feel that way and apologized some more.
I thought she sounded really caring. I had my normal work day afterwards.
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I got home not really caring about anything and just went about my day. Then I got the message from eBay that this person wanted to return the item. What the fuck. Lots of stressful feelings and frustration just overwhelmed me, because I had already purchased these Christmas gifts, and now Iām in debt again. I donāt expect to receive anything good from Christmas either, last year I gave awesome gifts to people, and I got basically nothing worthwhile in return, cool.
I always give because I feel like others can benefit more from what I give. Thatās why Iām now opting to just send my $1450 Macbook Pro to the Philippines so my cousins can use it. I think thatās what Iāll do actually. But weāll see. I can also just sell it, and buy them a few $300 laptops. Either way.
I also talked with Obs again tonight. We talked about how she was feeling and she said she felt dead due to her sickness. It kind of came out of nowhere because her post from the day before sounded like she was healthy and just fine. Iām hoping she gets better. We also discussed the Macbook Pro being returned, she gave me a few different scenarios on how it wasnāt all that bad ā like I can still resell it again for example.
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Anyway, life goes on. Here I am with my very minor life problems that I have to deal with. Compared to some people here, my problems donāt even exist. Like Butterfly of Scorpion vividly described how she severely injured her foot and leg, and is unable to move as much now and has problems performing normal day to day functions. Iām wishing her the best, Iām so sorry. Just Keep Swimming consistently posts about her life problems which I admit are a lot to go through, but she persists through the adversity. MyCancerJourney and Raebsc both constantly post about their health problems which are really a lot to go through as well.
And lots of others. Iām just skimming the top, thereās a lot of people to name.
Again, life goes on. I shouldnāt be complaining about my problems at all since there is a lot I want to be able to accomplish in my life and adversity and challenges are a part of it all. Still, this event where I am in debt again was an unexpected set back.
