A transcript for the video is below.
To celebrate the most terrible āHarry Potter bookā there ever was.Ā
Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, it's a stage play that was developed for the London theatre, and it was also released in script format worldwide. The play itself, for what it's worth, I hear it has received a lot of praise from critics as being very magical, very well-acted. The script, though, has gotten mixed to negative reviews from fans.
Disclaimer: There are Harry Potter fans who love The Cursed Child. Who find it fun, and emotional, and magical -
Yes, there are. None of what we're about to discuss is meant as a personal attack, but you probably won't enjoy this, āxā out of the video right now.Ā
Yeah, go back to coloring books or whatever it is you do with your time.Ā
Sum up The Cursed Child and your feelings on it.
Loveless, rushed out, cash grab hack job.Ā
My hot take is: Bad fanfic.Ā
I would also like to add to my hot take that this entire situation could be fixed if we look at The Cursed Child as an in-universe book that was written by Rita Skeeter. That's all I have to say.
Please list things that you liked, in the interest of fairness.Ā
I'm gonna give Scorpius like a āB.ā In a good thing he'd probably be the worst character but in this he's probably the best.
The only portion of the play where I found myself getting even slightly interested in what was going on was when Scorpius was in the timeline where Voldemort had won, and maybe something could have been done with that in a less bad way? You know?
Number one would be, as you said, Scorpius.Ā
Number two, the idea that Al and Scorpius would be in Slytherin together and would become friends.Ā
It discusses an idea that I've always found really interesting, which isā¦ how would Harry's kids grow up dealing with his reputation? I mean I don't like what they did with it, but I - I like the theme.Ā
Sub-Point: Why Is It So Bad?Ā
The most unpleasant part of reading The Cursed Child was the constant sense of secondhand embarrassment. You know? When you're watching someone embarrass themselves, and it - it hurts?Ā
This stuck out to me as possibly the worst line of dialogue in the entire play: This is back when Albus isā¦ is watching Lily take baby Harry out in a pram. And he's wrapped up in The Blanket. And I swear to God, Albus says, āLook at the love with which she's wrapped him.ā
How do you wrap the baby in a blanket in a non-loving way? I - do you just beat the baby with the blanket for a few minutes first?Ā
86% of the dialogue doesn't sound like anything a human person would say.
And that was one thing that the original -
And a British human, which you brought up.Ā
There are several instancesā¦ in the dialogue thatā¦ have word choices that - okay, I suppose a British kid might say because British kids pick up a lot of Americanisms. But they are Americanisms. Just an American style of talking about emotional issues that does not fit.Ā
One of the earliest lines that Scorpius has is, āHah. Father-son issues. I have them.āĀ
This was written by John - what the fuck is his name - and Jack Thorne. Thorne has been hired as the writer for Star Wars: Episode Nine.
You've just given me an idea. There are writers who make a speciality and a living out of writing novelizations for various TV shows and movies. Take the job that heās given, and puts together a novelization out of it.Ā
But why is it this bad? Youād think it would just be kind of lackluster. How did this happen?Ā
Part of what really frustrates me is that we'll never know entirely who is at fault for this. Did Rowling come up with the bare bones of a plot and then they wrote it down? Did they come up with a plot and she okayed it?Ā
Lit- I mean, she has said nothing but that she's happy about it. Up to a certain extent you have to be professional, you have to be polite, yadda yadda, but like. Youād - youād throw a little shade, you'd think.Ā
And when you're as big a name as JK Fucking Rowling, you could say whatever the shit you want.
I actually want to connect this slightly to some of the issues that you and I have noticed, and talked about many times while drunk, in the Harry Potter films. Certain parts seem like they have been made with scant regard to, um, not only the fans but their taste, their discretion, their discernment, their attention spans.Ā
I think the people involved would not consider this worth giving their best to.
Was there like something specifically early on that stood out to you?
Albus says, āDo you think - What if - what if Iām put in Slytherin?ā Harry says, āWhat would be wrong with that?ā And Al says, āSlytherin is the House of the Snake. Of Dark Magicā¦. Itās not a House of brave wizards.āĀ
You would say, āIt was fucking Voldemort's House and they've all tried to kill us and they tried to kill you and what if they hate me because I'm your kid?ā You wouldn't say, āIt's the House of the Snake.āĀ
I would like to read an excerpt from the Washington Post. And this review is entitled: āThe Missing Ingredient in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is Good Writing.āĀ
āIt grieves me to report that much of Jack Thorne's writing in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is simply not very good. There are the cliches (ādon't play games,ā āfor my sins,ā ālight in the darknessā).Ā Ā
The play also has its share of lines that seem as though they're meant to be clever, but end up sounding rather clunky instead, as with a declaration from Professor McGonagall that, āyour solidarity is admirable but it doesn't make your negligence negligible.āā
Hold on, I just. I need a second to likeā¦.
āCringingly, there's even a moment where one character tells another, āYou are the worst spoiler in the world that didn't turn out to be true.ā That's not really meta, just terrible.āĀ
āIt Wasnāt Written To Be Readā
Also, a lot of people like to defend this by saying that it's a play, it's not meant to be a bookā¦.Ā
Pleaseā¦ take this defenseā¦ and rip it into tiny little pieces.
The first and obvious point is that a good play reads well anyway. Like, duh, Shakespeare.Ā
But Iām going to put that aside for a second, because I think thereās a second and more important point with this play specifically. Whoever was writing and working on this play knew that millions of people were going to be reading it. Probably more people reading it than seeing it.Ā
So saying that, āWell, itās not meant to be read!ā Itās - itās disingenuous.
*slurping instant noodles*Ā
*vague alarm at the amount of noodles being slurped*Ā
What Does JKR Really Think?
What do you think JK Rowling really thinks about it? Like do you think she actually thinks it's good?
I can't believe it she does. Which leads me to the only real other explanation, that she - that she doesnātā¦ care.Ā
I mean, my instinct is to say that there was something contractual, that she agreed these people will write this thing and then she was - she was in a place where she couldn't sayā¦ or out of po- politeness to a fellow professional she couldn't say, āNo, this is terrible, rewrite everythingā?Ā
One thing that happens sometimes isā¦ bad stuff gets into it because worse stuff is proposed. The compromise solution is āx.āĀ
But like, again, Rowling has so much power. If she wanted to kick up a fuss about something she didn't like, she absolutely could.
Like ultimately, at the end of the day, does JK Rowling think it was well-made? Or is she screaming her rage into the void along with the rest of us and she just can't say so publicly?Ā
I do feel like there is a middle way though. I feel like the middle way there is she gets home, kicks off her shoesā¦ and doesn't think about it. Because she's tired of thinking about it.
Maybe she just hates us. Maybe this is revenge.Ā
People have sent her so many amateur drawings ofā¦ you know, umā¦ Dumbledore having sex withā¦.
All of this starts, right, with the idea that they need to rescue Cedric Diggory. This is the -the root of everything that happens afterward, right?Ā
First of all, you're gonna rescue Cedric Diggory? Like, Cedric was great, okay? He was a good kid, he shouldn't have died, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.Ā
Butā¦ there are so many other people who diedā¦ the - the choice of Cedric Diggory almost seems random.Ā
If - if he had decided, āI'm going to save one of my grandparents. I'm going to save my uncle.ā
Teddy Tonks! Teddy Tonks is growing up without his parents!Ā
Both of his parents! You could have totally set it up so like, his - alright, best-friend-cousin Teddy over here is so sad he doesn't have any parents, let's go back and save Teddy Lupinās parents!
It seems to be almost the narrative that Harry doesn't care enough about this.
Harry lived through more deaths in 17 years than most of us ever will in a lifetime. He saw Cedric die, he blamed himself, he brought his body home, he cried over it, he had nightmares - screaming, shouting nightmares for at least a year after that.
You think that kid was a possession of a Time Turner, and you think he never looked at it and thought, āGee, I wish I could do something about it?ā
How does a relatively intelligent teenager notā¦ even considerā¦ that going back in time, to before Voldemort was defeatedā¦ and changing somethingā¦ might not turn out well?
Oh, ooh, hold on, my mom is calling.Ā
Emily made me read it! Discipline her!
She wanted you to be able to make an informed decision!
I can make an informed decision about hitting myself in the head with a large rock without doing it.
1) So, time travel. In the original Potter books it's a closed loop, where you've already seen everything happen, unless it goes like spectacularly wrong and you accidentally like kill yourself and fracture time and all this other nonsense. But that's not the normal state of things.Ā
So likeā¦ what the fuck are they doing?
Theyāre not giving a shit, and to be honest, if everything else - if all else has been equal, if it had fun plot, good dialogue, andĀ good characters, I wouldn't give a shit either.
2) So the other thing about the time travel plotholes is that old blanket of Harryās. Aunt Petunia - I don't see any evidence at all that she would have kept something for him out of sentimentality and given to him later.
3) The other thing is, why was Snape alive in that one universe?
So Cedric Diggory becomes Death Eaterā¦ kills Nevilleā¦.
Neville doesn't kill snakeā¦ snakeā¦ isn't deadā¦Ā
Thatā¦ doesn't explain what happened with Snape. At all.
4) Every time Al and Scorpius changed something in the past, they came back to the present and asked Miss Mary Sue what had changed.Ā
- if the entire world had changed because it would have always been different.
So either she wouldnāt know what was different, or she wouldn't know that it was different!Ā
1) Why does Harry's scar hurt?Ā
It hurts specifically because there was a Horcrux in there. There's no more Horcrux, why is his scar hurting?
2) Next! The trolley witch says, āNever have I let anyone off this train before they reach their destination.āĀ
In book seven, Voldemort's people stopped the train and snatched - I believe it was Luna? - off before she reached Hogwarts.
On Muggle trains, security is maintained by having locking doors and unopening windows. They don't have armed security guards to prevent you from jumping off the moving train.
3) Here's the next thing.
When they go back in time the - the last timeā¦ whyā¦ can they see Harry's parents? There was a Fidelius Charmā¦ on the houseā¦.
As an addendum to that, even if you've got a Fidelius Charmā¦ when you're hiding from freaking Voldemortā¦ why are you taking your kid out in a pram for a walk on the street?Ā
Because you've wrapped him with love. So itās fine!
4) Polyjuice Potion takes a month to brew. They whipped it up in like three days.
5) Al and Scorpius dressed up as Durmstrang students, I think, so nobody would recognize them? Where's fake Mad-Eye Moody with that eye that can see through anything? He would have seen some suspicious students lurking around, cursing one of the champions.
Okay, the Hogwarts students wouldn't have recognized the Durmstrang students. Fine. The Durmstrang students would have recognized the Durmstrang students, though.
6) Bellatrix would have been noticeably pregnant during Deathly Hallows.
7) To get into the Ministry of Magic, Harry uses a telephone box. But that's supposed to be the visitorsā entrance, not the employee entrance. What the fuck.Ā
8) They cast an Engorgio charm on - what was it, on Cedric, I think?Ā
But then he started floating away?
Yeah, it's not how Engorgio works.
9) The hedges in the maze, they were movinā around. That's a movieverse thing, that didn't happen in the books.
10) The Ministry of Magic apparently hasn't fixed the whole āpeople easily break in using Polyjuice Potionā problem. Sure.Ā
11) Um. Hermione has no good security on her bookcaseā¦.
Oh, God. That whole sequence.
12) Oh, okay. It's been 20 years sinceā¦ thingsā¦.Ā
And they - they're talking about the threat of the werewolves. And thisā¦ bothered me.Ā
Holy shit. They just talk about āthe werewolvesā in this unqualified, they-are-automatically-Dark-Creatures kinda way.Ā
Have - have no- has nothing changed for werewolves in the last 20 years?Ā
With Hermione at the head of the government?
If literally nothing has gotten better for werewolves in the last twenty years, then the whole Wizarding World deserves to be exterminated by Voldemort, I'm sorry, like.
13) In the - the universe where Voldemort has won, why's everyone cool with saying his name?
Can we talk about how lame āFor Voldemort and Valor!ā is?
14) Okay, and also why - why on earth would there be rumors about [Draco Malfoy]ās wife?Ā
Because the only thing we have about her comes from Pottermore, but it says that she was anti-Voldemort and anti-blood purity.Ā
Why the fuck would there be rumors circulating about her goingā¦Ā
ā¦time-traveling to fuck Voldemortā¦.
*vague noises of solidarity*Ā
Moving on to the next section, talk to me about - whatserface.Ā
Do you remember those kind of Saturday morning cartoons? Like Super Friends and old-school Hanna-Barbera stuff, right? Scooby-Doo.Ā
You know how the villains in those things were always like, āI shall invent a [indistinguishable] and take over the universe!ā
That's what this feels like.
All of the antagonists that Rowling ever wrote - they're very distinct individuals.Ā
Bellatrix is - has a very different personalityā¦ from Voldemort, and from Lucius Malfoyā¦.Ā
What's [Delphiās] personality?Ā
She's got a Mary Sue name, she's got a Mary Sue tattoo, and she's got Mary Sue hair - silver and blue?
Bellatrixā¦ she was in love with Voldemort in her way and would do whatever was asked of her -
- and worshipped him and all this stuff, but like.
Is he capable of doing the do?
I mean, he doesn't even have a nose.Ā
What aboutā¦ what aboutā¦.
And why would he want to?
Because here's - here's the thing.Ā
Why does - does your king or whatever - why do they want a kid, right? To carry on their legacy, to carry on the family name.
Voldemort was obsessed with immortality. He was going to live forever.
If you're going to live foreverā¦ y- why are you gonna raise a rival, I hadn't thought of that.
And that's why I say that it would have been - made a little more senseā¦ if she'd just been a nut. Who thought, who was convinced, because she was an orphan nobody, was convinced that she was someone special.Ā
You could have made an interesting contrast to Harry there.
Who was an orphan who thought he was a nobody, found out he was really special and didn't want to be.
1) McGonagall generally kind of kicked ass, but she had this one line, āFar be it from me to doubt the wisdom of the Centaurs.āĀ
Do you remember what McGonagall thought about Divination?
2) Ronā¦ he was really reduced to likeā¦ being just a fumbling idiot, kind of like he is in the movies.
And then he was like, so drunk at his wedding he couldn't remember anything?Ā
Like. Just, what are you doinā?
3) Hermione apparently would have turned out to be an awful person if she and Ron were just friends instead ofā¦ being together?Ā
Like, what a - she was terribleā¦.
She - just in the scene she's given, ah, doesn't seem authoritative? Authorititative? Like there's that meeting just dissolves into chaos and she can't seem to control it, and I guess that's okay if it would happen in an exceptional situation, but it feels a bit like, um.
Sheās the leader of the Magical World, andā¦.
4) Also, we've got her daughter Rose, who's a total jerk.Ā
How does Roseā¦ get like that? It seems like she's just there to be a kind of MacGuffin mean girl for Scorpius to have a crush on.
5) Cedric, right. What do we know about Cedric Diggory?
He was - he was totally okay to let Harry win the Triwizard Cup. When the Dementors came out and Harry fell off his broom, he was willing for them to have a rematch. That's the kind of person he was.
In what universe is humiliationā¦ someone like Cedric'sā¦ motivationā¦ to become a Death Eater?Ā
One humiliating event that isn't even your fault!Ā
Maybe you kind of always remember it, and remember it when you're trying to go to sleep at night and cringe. Things like that have happened to lots of people, they don't join the KKK.Ā
And - and when they - when the Hogwarts student body finds out that he was sabotaged, there's gonna be a freaking riot! Supporting him!Ā
Theyād carry him around on their shoulders!
Remember that painting of Jesus that that lady tried to fix?Ā
Snape, Snape, Severus Snape
Last on my list, and I'm just gonna I'm gonna say one thing and then I'm gonna give it to you -Ā
Itās said pretty much verbatim that his flaws made him the greater. I'm sorry, they did not make him greater, they made him a dick.Ā
And also he was really out of character.Ā
Even within this pile ofā¦ flaming shitā¦ I was happy to see himā¦ pop up?
Scorpius is talking to Hermione, Ron, and Snape.Ā Hermione says, āAnd Snape? What does Snape do in this other world?ā
Ā And Snape says, āI'm dead, presumably.ā
I'm fine with that, that's in character.
Snape smiles thinly. āYou were a little too surprised to see me. How?āĀ
Scorpius says, āBravely.āĀ
Scorpius says, āVoldemort.ā
I'm loving it up to this point. Snape would not waste time with big-ass speeches, heād just want the facts.Ā
And then Snape says, āHow very irritating.āĀ
Then he goes on to say, āStill, there's glory and being taken down by the Dark Lord himself, I suppose.ā
This - now. On the very s-s-surface of that, you might think that that's in character for Snape. It fucking isn't. What that's in character for is a fourteen-year-old fanfic writerās version of Severus Snape.
And then, I mean it gets - it just gets freakinā worse from here on out.
āAll it takes is one person. I couldn't save Harry for Lily, so now I give my allegiance to the cause she believed in. And it's possible that along the way, I started believing in it myself.ā
On his fucking deathbed, those words would not exit his mouth.
(Tone Indicator: Derogatory)
How much wine is in your bottle? Okay, we're good. We're good.
Tell me your opinion on Albus Severus.
I think that one of the problems with Albus Severusās character is that in some ways, they make him too realistic. Teenagers can be incredibly self-centered, arrogant, think their problems are the most important problems in the entire universe and that no one has ever felt like they do before, and no one has the same problems and no one can ever understand them.Ā
So Albus Severus has a difficult relationship with his father, he's not very popular in school.Ā
And he's very very very self-centered. He only just kind of manages to think of Scorpius occasionally. Like, he gives him an awkward shoulder pat when his mother is dead.Ā
Which, great. You know, your cookieās in the mail, Albus.
This person does exist in the person of many 15ā¦ 14 year-olds.Ā
We don't want to see it, though.Ā
We donāt need it as our protagonist.Ā
You didnāt give him one sympathetic trait!
You know what, I feel bad. It sucks to be judged on something that's not your fault, it sucks that you don't have any friends, I'm sorry you're having a bad experience, but.Ā
Albus is struggling with having to live up to his dad's legend, basically.
Harry also had to live up to his dad's legend. He had to live up to his parentsā legend. He had to live up to his own legend from when he was a baby, that he knew nothing about.
Teachers torturing him, students thinking that he was trying to kill everyone or crazy and attention-seekingā¦.
And Albus goes through a tiny percentage of that and is exactly as angsty as Harry was in Order of the Phoenix, after he just had to carry his classmateās body out from a fucking graveyard where the most evil wizard in the world had tortured him.
Albus and Scorpius, Sittinā in a Tree
Now, I want us to go into Al and Scorpius.
Don't ask out Rose Weasley, at the end! If you're gonna ask out anybody, ask out Al for goodnessā sake.
Like, Al seems like a pretty shitty person and I wouldn't wish him as a boyfriend on anyone, but people have been shipping those two since the epilogue.Ā
I've seen a few people call the whole thing āqueerbaiting,ā and I really don't think it's that. I think āqueerbaitingā says something about awareness and intent on the part of the creators. I think what happened was kind ofā¦ just painful heteronormativity.
I'm on the fence, because there were moments that seemed so clearly capable of a romantic construction and it almost seemed like it couldn't possibly be unintentional.
But! You could get the same effect with shoddy writing, because the over-emotional way they talk to and about each other sometimes could be a bad rendition of a teenage friendship.
I've always been deeply bored by Draco Malfoy.Ā
I am interested in post-series Draco, who apparently grew up to teach his kid to be better than he was?Ā
I'll never get over the fact that he's basically introducedā¦ coming up Harry to ask himā¦ to tell peopleā¦ that Voldemort didn't fuck his wife.Ā
They're - they're worried about Voldemort. Harry, he's worried about pain in his scar. They ask Draco if he's felt anything in his Dark Mark, and he says that's discrimination.
First of all, they're not yelling at you for having Dark Mark, they're asking you if you felt anything. Second of all, it's a Dark Mark, so guess who was doing the discriminating there? It was you.
Harry Fucking Potter Doesnāt Understand Loneliness???Ā
Draco says, āI think you have to make a choice at a certain point about the man you want to be. And at that time, you need a parent or a friend. And if you've learned to hate your parent by then, and you have no friends, then you're all alone. And being alone, that's so hard. And it sent me to a truly dark place. Tom Riddle was also a lonely child.Ā
You may not understand that, Harry, but I do.ā
(deep breath while trying to calm down)
Draco loved his family and he had friends.Ā
Um. He loved his father. His father was in Azkaban and that's the reason that he was obeying Voldemort to begin with. There is nothing inā¦ book canonā¦ that supports this sort of fanon that's gone around that Lucius Malfoy was in any wayā¦ actually abusive.Ā
They loved him. They were terrible people, but they loved him.
And he - he was popular in Slytherin and he had friends. He had a whole gang of friends. He had Crabbe and Goyle and he had Pansy Parkinson. Maybe they were terrible people, maybe he didn't actually like them that much. We don't know that. But he definitely had friends.
And being raised as a prejudiced, classist dickhead by a prejudiced, murderous, classist family sent him to a dark place.Ā
That's why he was an asshole.Ā
And then to address the other side of that issue. The idea that Harry doesn't fucking understand loneliness.Ā
Harry grew up locked in a fucking cupboard under the fucking stairs for the first 10 years of his life. He had no love, he didn't have enough food, he didn't have anything new of his own. He didn't know what his parents looked like, his uncle would rough him up, his aunt would swing frying pans at his head, they would always criticize him. Dudley used to beat him up.
And then he comes into this magical new Wizarding World and he's immediately given this burden that no one can possibly understand.Ā
He was a pariah at school at least three times - there was the Triwizard Tournament, there was the thing in Second Year, there was when he was speaking out about Voldemort in Fifth Year.Ā
Until where he fucking walked into the forest alone to die with the ghosts of his parents, because every single mentor that he'd had in his life up until that point was fucking dead.
He's really shit in this story, isn't he?Ā
Not only does he not seem like Harry, this doesn't even seem like a consistent person.Ā
It feels like none of these characters have a life history before the play starts.Ā
It - it's like Harry and Albus have never met before this play starts.Ā
Through like the the mid-later part of this book he goes on like this crazy power trip, kind of. There's all these rumors going around about Scorpius, and he forbids Al from seeing him, and all I can think of isā¦ James Potter and Sirius Black.Ā
Harry talks to a centaur, who says, āThere is a dark cloud hanging around your son.āĀ
It's like one of those - those things like The Riddler would say, and give you like some clue to where they had kidnapped Aquaman or whatever. Ā There would be some word like ātallā and the Superfriends would be like, "Tall? Tree? He's hiding Aquaman in the jungle!"
Harry hears a centaur say, "There is some kind of dark shadow hanging over your son," and goes,
"Dark shadow, hanging - that - that kid who hangs around! Scorpius Malfoy! It must be that and can't possibly be anything else."
Do you have anything you want to say about the whole, āSometimes I wish you weren't my sonā?Ā
Iād tell him that every day. Every day!
āGood morning! I wish you weren't my child. Have some breakfast.ā
Of course Harry could have problems as a father. I could see him struggling to communicate. I know that parents, like anybody else, they get angry. You know, things that you say in anger obviously you don't necessarily mean.
But there areā¦ lines that you shouldn't cross, and telling your child that they are unwanted or unloved is one of those linesā¦.
From an editorial point of view, like, looking at it as a line of dialogue, does that not just kind of give you a Days of Our Lives vibe? It sucks - it sucks in several directions. Like itās like being pulled apart by suck.
So if we look at Harry in the books, right, he's lashed out sometimes.Ā
But for one thing he's 20 years older now. And also, even when he was mad at Ron and Hermione, he was mad at Sirius or he was mad at Dumbledore, he never said something like, āI wish you weren't my friend,ā āI wish you weren't my godfather.āĀ
Even as a kid, a statement like this would have been out of character. So I just refuse to excuse it. I'm staking my flag on this fucking hill and I'm ready to fucking die on it.
This I have under the classification of āOther.āĀ
1) What the fuck was that whole scene with the name Panju? I think the exact quote was, āWhat's a Panju?āĀ
And it wasn't meant to be, like, a joke at his ignorance. It was meant to be likeā¦ foreign names are hilarious. Letās laugh at them, Lauren. Let's all laugh.
2) Al disguised as Ron kissing Hermione on the mouth.Ā
Like, I can't even bring myself to feelā¦ outrage? Like, every time I think about it I'm just likeā¦ euh?
3) The women in this story areā¦.Ā
It gets lost in the suckage, doesn't it, it gets lost in the general forest of shit. Like, when when everything about the play sucks so badly, it's - itās hard to even get along the list to - holy shit, the representation women this is pretty fucking sub-par.
4) Delphi or whatever her name is, she's powerful because of her parents, right?Ā
Harry's twice her age, he's been an Auror for ages, and he doesn't even put up a good fight.Ā
Somebody let some complete lunatics out of like Arkham Asylum or whatever, and they looked at the Harry Potter canon, fanon, and said, āGasp! We know what you want to see! You want to see Harry Potter sucking!ā
Post-Series, According to Canon
Rowlingās own writing about what they were like post-series -Ā
Al is shown to be super into Quidditch, all decked out in the colors of like his favorite player of his favorite team or whatever.
JK allowed this to happen to us because it makes everything she ever wrote or ever will write look better.
Harry Potter Quotes Challenge
So, I'm going to read you quotes that are about kind of the same character in a similar situation, and you have the very difficult task of judging which one comes from which.
1) Harry is yelling at Dumbledore.Ā
āYou would have hurt me less if you had told me this then.ā āHarry. There is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world.ā
Okay, that's option one. Option two!
āI want it to end, I don't care anymore!ā
āYou do care. You care so much that you feel as though you'll bleed to death with the pain of it.āĀ
Was the Cursed Child the first one or the second one?
I - I mean, this is really tough. This is really hard for me. Um, because I was lobotomized recently.
2) Harry and McGonagall are having a confrontation, and she says something unexpected.
āHave a biscuit, Potter.āĀ
āYour solidarity is admirable but it doesn't make your negligence negligible.ā
3) This is Ludo Bagman. Option 1 -
āLadies and gentlemen, the third and final task of the Triwizard Tournament is about to begin. Let me remind you how the points currently stand!ā
āThe perils are plentiful but the prizes are palpable.ā
āYou dare use my own spells against me Potter? It was I who invented them. The half-blood Prince. And you'd turn my inventions on me like your filthy father, would you? I don't think so!ā
āAll it takes is one person. I couldn't save Harry for Lily so now I give my allegiance to the cause she believed in, and it's possible that along the way, I started believing in it myself.ā
5) These are the words of a prophecy.
I canāt read this with a straight face.
āWhen the spares are spared, when time is turned, when unseen children murder their fathers, will the Dark Lord return.ā
āThe one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies. And the Dork Lord will mark him as his equal, and he will have power the Dark Lord knows not. And either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives.ā
Uh, in the second one, you accidentally said āthe Dork Lord.āĀ
āHarry rolls away as the floor explodes behind him. He crawls frantically under in church pew, trying to work out how he can fight her. āThe question is whether it's worth my time to kill you. How to decideā¦. Oh, I'm bored. I'll kill you.ā She sends the pew down hard upon him. It smashes as he rolls away desperately.ā
Okay, that's the first one.
āHarry crouched behind the headstone and knew the end had come. There was no hope, no help to be had, and as he heard Voldemort draw nearer still, he knew one thing only. He was not going to die crouching here like a child playing hide-and-seek. He was not going to die kneeling at Voldemortās feet. He was going to die upright like his father, and he was going to die defending himself even if no defence was possible.ā
Gosh, I - I - you know, you know, honestly? Honestly? I think I'm going to have to flip a coin.
Various Scattered Closing Statements
The one pure moment of unalloyed delight reading this play gave me -
We see Hermione Granger in a group scene. She tells the crowd assembled this kid has - has been killed, has been murdered.Ā
She said, āHe was a good boy.ā
And I swear that out loud, by myself, in my apartment, I yelled at the screen, āHe was a heckinā good pupper!āĀ
Somebody involved in this wrote really bad fanfic like 15 years ago and they got flamed and they've been really sad about it ever since and this is their vengeance.Ā
I mean isn't this like a four-hour play or something? Doesn't it have an intermission?
āPart One of the play, including the 20-minute interval, is two hours and 40 minutes in the theater.ā
āYou then come back for Part Two, which is again two hours and 40 minutes.ā
(trying to read wine bottle label)
I remember once when I was a kid, my mother wouldn't let me watch like one episode of one TV show that I wanted to watch, so I went to my room and did like a massive craft project, a sign for my door that said, āGo away! Not allowed in here!ā
I thought you said, āI went to my room and did a massive crap.ā
Do you have any last things you would like to say?Ā
It sucks. It sucks. Itās bad.Ā
Yeah. It isā¦ like a [censored] [censored].
Iām gonna tell your mother you said that! I donāt know what that means.
Objectively badly written, bad characterization, lots of plot holesā¦Ā
I know during the disclaimer I said if anyone actually liked this crap then I had no respect whatsoever for them, ah, but now that I've kind of gone through it, I'd like to upgrade that.
Ah, if you liked The Cursed Child you're just objectively wrong.
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