JUXTAPROSESEASON

My personal writing gym.

[juxtaproseseason]

Fog

I know depression lies but my mind can get so foggy with hopelessness. There is no beacon to guide me out of the misery.  I am tempted to shipwreck and sink to oblivion, but I don’t ever gather enough courage to let go of the rudder and let the ship run its course.  I am a captain that is trying to flee his ship.  I tumble in the wave like driftwood, never washed up the shore.

[juxtaproseseason]

Martyr

I wanted to die

For my religion

In my twenties

I wanted my deed 

To redeem me

From my

Homosexual tendency

I wanted to be distracted

From my desire

From my inability

To eventually fulfil

The call to be

Fruitful and multiply

Aka starting a family

I no longer wanted

To die for a religion

I have come to

Accept my identity

I have found people

Whom I could call

My chosen family

If I were to die soon

It would be just that

My time were up

It were time to leave

[juxtaproseseason]

Class

Had a catch-up lunch with two friends that I have not seen for like months.  The conversation at one point veered towards self-care, more specifically, dealing with classism in friendship.  

I am from a mid-lower income background.  I lived with my foster parents for most of my primary school years, and I stayed with my dad most weekends.  My mom came to visit me like three times a year cos’ she had her own family, and I was a kept secret from them.  Then I moved home to my dad’s when I was in secondary school.  My dad’s business collapsed that period, and we had to live very frugally in those years.  In fact, I would skip a lot of meals or try to hustle one through my schoolmates or church friends.  Bottomline - my past means I am a person with lots of internal issues.

My dad has a rich man’s taste.  He grew up from an affluent home.  I was there when he had money, at least the tail end of his glamorous, wealthy life.  Then everything went to the dogs.  Not only did he lose his business, but also his partner at that time.  Needless to say, he was a miserable man and even a furious one.  To add to the cherry on top of the icing, I was an effeminate boy, which made me an easy target to his irritation of life not working out.

Back to my conversation with my friend.  

I told my friends over lunch, due to my growing up years, I have developed ways to cope with different circumstances.  First and foremost, I have to learn to deal with what I don't have.  Growing up in a church community who are mostly English speaking, which in itself is a post-colonial culture social currency, I have picked up the language and mannerisms of mid-upper income level folks.  I have, through time, learned to assimilate to be one of them.  However, ss time goes, I realise it is tough to catch up and be one of them financially. I guess I am not a very good hustler. So I learn ways to continue to coexist among them while remaining a struggling white-collar worker.

I have to be very frank with my well-to-do friends on things like catch-up arrangement - where we meet or eat.  I would tell them I would prefer to catch up over coffee or drinks than over a meal so that I don't have to stress over an expensive meal.  I have to space out our meetings because I don't want to bore them with my mundane white-collar work tales. Also, I would have to work very hard to empathise over their problems which only rich people would have, such as the hardship in finding good organic food and walkable space in the city, similar to the ones in Scandinavian countries. Which, they could personally testify since they have been there.

I am growing older.  I am not growing richer.  I am not going to play the blame game over circumstances or people at this point because it wears my soul down.  But I can set proper relationship boundaries and find a way to maintain my friendship with people of a different class.  

[juxtaproseseason]

All of me

Since I am quite a critical person on myself, it is very easy to go first thing to my shortcomings.  I thought, instead of looking at them, I will look at what I am now.  That is a better way of practising self-care.

I am more aware of my personhood, more knowledgeable of my own being.  I know my own ticks, and I also know my capabilities.  I am a relational person and I think people that got to know me for a while could feel safe to be themselves around me.  On the other hand, I could be a little intense in defending my point of view.  I am at once insecure of myself -- the awareness of my tendency to be self-sabotaging, and arrogant of my stance in life -- that I know things better than most others.  Sure, I get it wrong sometimes, but most of the time my intuition is pretty spot on.  And when I catch myself being smug for that, I beat myself up harder than I should.  It is terrible.  And it gets ugly.  I hope my journaling could get me better in doing life and being the owner of my being.

So that’s what I am.  A coin with two sides of attributes.  Neither makes me greater or lesser.  Just is.  If there is a God, have mercy.

[juxtaproseseason]

Return

I’m back, starting afresh my 150 words blog post goal.  The last three months I have slowed down my writing because my ex was visiting from North America, and year-end workload needed clearing, and so my writing was left in the cold.  I know very well I will return to it, cos’ my life pretty much depends on it -- writing down my thoughts, processing them and then finding new insights about myself so I can do better for the rest of my time on earth.  I needed to get back to it too now that my ex has returned to his country, I needed something to take my mind off his absence.  Side note, with each goodbye, it gets easier.  I’m back to be a gentler person to my fault.  I’m back to be a kinder person to myself.  I’m back to be a better carer of my being, and in return, I am a gentler, kinder and better carer of others.  

[juxtaproseseason]

Save the “fuck” word for later

Hey child, save the “fuck” word for later: the moment of that calm announcement of your parents’ divorce roll out of their lips; the moment you feel the sting of that slap from your parent when you come out to him or her, or both; the moment of realisation that your church leader has outted you to most of the congregation; the moment you understood your first sexual encounter was more of a harassment or a rape instance...  Yeah, so save the F-bomb for those moments, so when it comes out it was fresh and at your most angry, and you have not cheapened the use of it by using it frequently, mindlessly.  

Respect the “FUCK”.

[lostingradschool]

[juxtaproseseason]

Anxiety

I wonder if I can be a little less anxious, man-up in the face of all the doomed forecast flung at me every day.  It is one of those tough days, and I felt my back could break from the mound of anxiety as it weighs down on me, and all I could do is feel myself slowly sink under.  I feel powerless in influencing change in my surrounding.  My honesty is being seen as callousness to others' feelings, while I receive just as poorly other's sincere critique.  So I have grown afraid to speak and to listen.  

“You will come to save me

C'mon and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone.”

-- “Save me” by Aimee Mann

[juxtaproseseason]

Before we vanish

The latest movie by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, "Before we vanish", has pleasantly surprised me.  There was a little bit of a false start which led me to think that he may be going into atmospheric horror, and then the film took many twists and turn and evolved into something heartfelt.  On that note, I think the movie is similar to "Bright Future", which began with a violent event and then carefully examine the motives and intentions along the journey.  "Before we vanish" led me to question my thoughts and continues to challenge my perception of things, if I am being held prisoner by insidious values sown inside me.

[juxtaproseseason]

Journey

There was a time in my life I wanted to be a Christian missionary because I believed that the teaching of Jesus would improve people’s lives, and his principles were the way forward in healing the world.  Until I got older and realized that Jesus’s teaching was never going to un-gay me.  And instead of improving, my life was deteriorating from the self-loathing of me unable to become straight and the misery of me being prohibited from having a romance.  I could not make myself love a woman and I could never admit to my attraction toward someone of the same sex.  “I am straight as God has created me.  My homosexuality is the devil trying to trip me up in my Christian journey...”  I told myself.  

I stayed closeted until my thirties and after hearing the story of an older gay person - his journey of wanting to stay faithful to Jesus and coming to term with his own sexuality and eventually banished from the Christian community, I thought the story of my life has already been written in many that have gone before me, and the ending is apparent -- there is no future being a gay person in a traditional Christian institution.  Also, Brian McLaren’s book got me through that tough period of internal conflict and had me rethinking about the concept of god and community, and I came to conclude that Christianity is a long history of construct that is not built to welcome queer folks and its believers probably need some reevaluation of its view of the world.

So I left my “calling” and start reacquainting with myself again.  Some day, I wish everything would be simpler and spelled out like it was in my Christian days, but I know I cannot deny my true self by going back in the closet for convenience and a sense of belonging. 

[juxtaproseseason]

Music talk:  Sandee Chan

I have followed singer-songwriter Sandee Chan’s career from the 90s when she released her first album. I was looking for someone like Faye Wong who was at that time doing something different in the Chinese music scene. While doing my usual music shopping at my favourite music stall at a local mall, on a cassette rack, I saw Sandee’s debut album cover of a hand-drawn girl standing before a backdrop of apples, I thought, “That’s pretty alternative.”  So I took a leap, bought the album and I never looked back in my love of Sandee’s music.

Even though Faye Wong pretty much reigns in the realm of coolness, I think Sandee is cooler in the sense that she wrote, produced and performed her own materials. Her lower range and warm distinctive voice was also a standout amongst the sea of pop plastic princesses of the time. With her current cool and polished persona and song choices ala St Vincent, I have forgotten she could go ape shit crazy as she has done on some of her older songs. She once did a song about vomiting which she retched (in sound effect) and sang with style.

Last week, her new album came out.  I put off listening to it till tonight, I checked out one of her songs on YouTube, and it was one of those many Sandee music moment that tugged at my heartstring and spoke deep into my soul. Her lyrics have been the primary reason why I keep going back to her, cos’ Sandee always has something thoughtful things to say and saying them in interesting ways.

[npr]

For people who live with chronic pain, getting up, out and moving can seem daunting. Some fear that physical activity will make their pain worse. But in fact, researchers find the opposite is true: The right kind of exercise can help reduce pain.

Today, Emma Dehne agrees. Dehne is 44, lives in Chapel Hill, N.C., and works as a business officer in the office of the executive vice chancellor at the University of North Carolina. She says her commitment to exercise is relatively recent.

Just a year and a half ago, Dehne pretty much avoided any physical movement she didn’t have to make. Just climbing stairs was painful — “sometimes to the point where I would have to hold on to the banister to help myself up,” she says, “and I couldn’t even extend my leg.” At times, it felt as though the ligaments in her knees “were tearing.”

Dehne was diagnosed around age 40 with osteoarthritis in both knees, a painful swelling and deterioration of the cushioning cartilage in those joints that reduces their range of motion. Luckily for her, she says, she worked at the Thurston Arthritis Research Center at the University of North Carolina. The woman working in the cubicle next to hers ran a program that encouraged people with osteoarthritis to start walking to help reduce their pain.

Dehne was skeptical but felt she was just too young to be burdened by this disease; she agreed to give brisk walks a try. In the beginning she felt stiff, tired and out of breath. That changed quickly.

“I mean literally, after a few days, I started to feel looser in my joints,” she says. “I wasn’t as out of breath, and my mood started to improve.”

Exercising To Ease Pain: Taking Brisk Walks Can Help

Photo: Eamon Queeney for NPR

[juxtaproseseason]

Soulmate

Lizzo’s “Soulmate” is my go-to bedroom-dancing-banger.  It is a good reminder of Mother Ru’s advice, “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”  

Loving myself is not an easy task.  My past religious experience taught me to put other people first, which in itself is not a bad advice, but after a while without some self-checking, I went on the other continuum - I neglected my own needs and feelings, and the prolonged period of pouring myself out for others without filling my own tank left me drained and frustrated.

I know I could swing to the other continuum of putting myself above others and become a social vampire of sucking in attention and affection without giving any of them to others.  Again, it has to do with self-awareness and mindfulness.  Bottom line, I am my own soulmate, I know how to love me. I am not a messiah, so instead, I have to learn to take a moment, and take a step back and get my tank filled up so I can give to others.

[juxtaproseseason]

Plan B

Having a backup plan is not my strongest suit. You know the whole idea of not laying all my eggs in one basket, I get it, but what do I do with the eggs that would yield my profit, that I haven’t figured out yet.

I listen to a podcast like Seth Godin’s Akimbo hoping that it will help me figure something out cos’ my parents were not very good in financial management and future planning. My education did not really help me take on the world. My religion eventually crippled me by having me thinking that God will take care of me financially when that narrative only works if one of from a functional family that also comes with parents that guide and equip their kids with tools for the future... that’s just some thoughts, I know I still got to do something about my life. Ah, just some thoughts for the weekend.

[juxtaproseseason]

Train

I'm on the train with an athletic jock type sitting across from me. His manspread crossing over my side taking up my leg space; I am both annoyed and somewhat aroused by it. His thick muscular legs are tightly wrapped in denim. They make nice distractions for a while, and then I just get mostly annoyed with the guy - he bears the insensitivity of a person who knows he has some social currency with his looks or physiques, and therefore not give a fly fuck of the people around him. So I bury my nose in my Clive Barker book and no longer give a fly fuck about him too.

[juxtaproseseason]

Music Thought

My music listening taste has leaned to a warmer organic band sound.  Been listening to Courtney Barnett, Whitney, and Soccer Mommy. I like guitar-driven bands hat has a folky alternative leaning.  The last couple of months I have been mostly listening to RnB and Pop like Raveena, Mahalia, and Ingrid Michaelson.  Then yesterday while doing some paperwork, I put on Courtney Barnett, whose album I did not get into last year. However, her album was the right sound for that right moment of me being stuck in a mundane routine -- the raw emotions in Barnett’s voice and sound just ‘made sense’ in that instance.  It was the sound of being alive in a world mostly I have trouble getting a grasp of.

[juxtaproseseason]

On money

I had a conversation with a colleague about the local economy.  I heard the economy was unstable but yet I wonder about it, cos’ from observation, most people around me seemed to be doing okay from the way they shop and dining out.  But come to think of it, what else could one do but to go on and hope the following day would be a step up from the previous one.   

Personally, it is hard for me to see my peers travel and splurge on expensive activities.  It is especially hard when I am invited to a meal or an outing that does not fit my budget.  I have become the petty, calculated friend that makes a lot of strange thinking noises while flipping through a menu or during a daydreaming vacation budgeting session with friends.  

I usually have no prob with money when I am in control of how I would spend it -- within the budget.  But it is when I am with other people, I feel shit about myself.  I wonder who’s the problem sometimes.