吳子霖 Jerome Ng

🇭🇰🇵🇭🏳️‍🌈 28 | Stan LOONA |

[jxandrexng]

Dear Dad,

It’s been 51 days since you left us. I still think about you every now and then and how you would always tell me to not forget my house keys whenever I leave the house along with the many reminders you would tell me whenever we have takeout lunch together at home. I miss you so much and there is not a word to describe how painful it is to live with just having you as a memory now.

[jxandrexng]

Mayhem of a First Trip to Singapore

So as I mentioned in my previous post, I did go on a trip to Singapore last May. It was my first time being out of Hong Kong that isn't the Philippines or Macau. Though much of it was because of the Lady Gaga concert, we got to squeeze in a bit of time to enjoy touristy things.

It was May 15th I finished packing my bags. I had my Canon mirrorless in my backpack along with essentials and five days worth of clothing in my luggage including the outfit I bought and prepared just for the concert. Took myself to Clem's for the night so it would be easier to get to the airport together. I had a bit of a dilemma on whether or not I should bring my vape pen considering my heavy reliance on that vice at the time. I eventually decided to leave it at Clem's the morning we left for the airport just so it would be easier to get in and out past immigration on both ends.

DAY 1 - May 16th, we met up with Kenneth at the Hong Kong International Airport where we were a few hours early for our flight. Got our luggages dropped off and then decided we'd get McDonald's. After that we went through immigration and since we still had time to kill, we decided to roam around the departure area. For the first time I got to see the skybridge where if you look down it was glass flooring so it offered a view of airplanes taxiing to the runway.

We got to our gate just in time for boarding and then got seated on the plane. I sat between Clem and Kenneth on the left side of the plane and for the most part I just watched Wicked on the entertainment system. With the pilot announcement interruptions and boredom, I tried to be funny with it by lipsyncing to the pilot announcement. By late noon we landed in Singapore and had to struggle a bit just to find King. King was on the far end of Changi Airport and we were on the other. Give or take maybe a good half hour we finally met up and was safely in transit to our hotel at the heart of Chinatown. Clem booked our Grabcar for convenience and the sights to see from the airport to the hotel were so amazing. I didn't know that Singapore had such a good patch of greenery. Of course the architectural marvel of Marina Bay Sands and the buildings in that area were impressive as well. In the middle of the car ride I started filming for a vlog.

"So today we are transiting..." to which Clem and King in unison interject "TRANS?!" and we all burst out laughing.

We finally got to check into our hotel at Furama City Center and decided to go to the nearby Chinatown Point Mall. Clem took us to have Song Fa bak kut teh lunch. The soup very much reminded me of home in the Philippines called nilaga. Garlicky and peppery pork bone broth. It was delicious and Clem had taught us to eat it with this sweet soy sauce dip which was as thick as syrup. After lunch, Kenneth had to excuse himself to go meet *someone* . Clem paid for lunch. Then me, King, and him all roamed the mall to kill a bit of time. I got help from Clem buying a local tourist sim card because I couldn't put my phone into roaming for how expensive it was. After that we got back to our hotel room to rest for a bit and then met up with Blake — who is Clem's best friend from Singapore.

Blake is someone who me and Kenneth had already met back in February in Hong Kong during Chinese New Year and he's a very handsome and tall man who has the same level of awkward as Clem, which in turn why I can see them totally becoming best friends.

As we were on our way to dinner, we heard the MRT announcer say "Fort Canning" to which for no reason whatsoever, me and King just burst out laughing uncontrollably. Randomly during the trip anyone of us would say "Fort Canning" and we would be laughing for absolutely no reason at all. Among this weird turn, it was also worth mentioning that I kept randomly bursting into song with just the lyrics "Pay the toll" randomly anywhere because of really stupid Instagram reel I saw where the song 'Abracadabra' just stops after "Pay the toll" and Lady Gaga was edited to be in the middle of a highway tollbooth.

We met Blake inside the train to which him and Clem hugged. We got to the restaurant for dinner. During dinnertime we also met Blake's friend called Jason. Jason is another handsome man who had a muscular build. What stood out for me about Jason is that he looked very red when we met him, almost like he just came out of a tanning session. We had seafood for the most part and Kenneth came in late because of *some stuff* that he did back in the hotel.

After dinner we had a short time to rest and got back to the hotel to where Jason borrowed our shower for a bit. We walked past Chinatown Point Mall and bought milk tea and then waited for the bus outside to go to our night out places. Blake brought us to Toilet Restroom Bar. I was weirded out because it had this booth outside that looked like restroom cubicles but the wall was literally a two-way mirror where people can see you from inside. It was a cool photo spot but we didn't take photos. We got in and got to meet some of Blake's friends including his ex, Adrian, who looked like a cat. Daniel, who was really cool. He also bought me that vape c/o Clem. After Restroom we went to Lluvia where I remember I had a very petty fight with King which I won't elaborate any further. Lluvia was this bear-karaoke bar where gay bears got together for songs and alcohol. It had a great vibe and I felt very welcomed. I got to see some familiar faces from Instagram in that place. When we were done with Lluvia, I kissed King goodbye as he said he was gonna go back to the hotel room then me along with Kenneth, Clem, Jon, Blake, and the other Instagram-familiars — we all went straight to Rabbit's Hole.

Considering it was a Lady Gaga weekend, Rabbit's Hole was absolutely packed with Lady Gaga fans and tourists who were in Singapore for the concert. They had live music outside and drag performers for the stage inside. It got to a point where it was really hot inside that the group I was with started taking their clothes off. Me being me, I went out of my way to lose them because I was uncomfortable and opposed to the concept of going shirtless inside clubs unless you're a performer. I roamed the place alone for the rest of the night and just enjoyed the live music outside. When it was I think already 2 or 3am, found Clem's group outside and chilled a bit more with them just listening and watching the live band. Everyone outside was smoking and since Singapore had this law where vapes are banned, Clem told me to be more discreet everytime I tried to get a puff out of the vape. When the night was mostly done, told Clem I wanted to go back to the hotel and we ultimately left Kenneth without saying another word because he was busy *meeting somebody again* that night. We got back to the hotel and just crashed.

DAY 1 REEL

DAY 2 - It was May 17th as I kissed King good morning as he left for the gym and we tried to figure out where we should be going after. The four of us ended up going out at 2 in the afternoon to meet Blake for lunch. We went to Novena Square 2 and decided to do some window shopping at Don Don Donki while we waited for Blake. After that, we met Blake for dimsum at TungLok Teahouse where we enjoyed a variety of dimsum to which I agree is better tasting than Hong Kong's (by a margin). After lunch we got on a train to Orchard Road and then decided to just walk around there inside the malls. We walked all the way from Wisma Atria to 313@somerset—the sequel to Azealia Banks' song '212', and had a group photo op moment on the tree-lined sidewalk of the Penang Road Open Space. We walked so much that we needed to chill off a bit so we stopped by Lazada One to get some bubble tea. After discussing plans of meeting for the evening we got onto the Bencoolen train station and got back to our hotel.

Later on in the night we met with Blake at Orchard Plaza and had the absolutely biggest banh mi I have ever had. Prior to partying, Blake gave us his preworkout to drink and we were all really buzzed for the night. Day 2 was a bit short in the sense that the rest of the night was spent just partying at Drip for yet again another Lady Gaga night. The space was really dimly lit and it felt like we were at the basement of a really old building but the space definitely served its purpose. On the far right of the bar was a giant sculpted head. At the far left was the other exit. We danced for a bit by the stage and then eventually ordered our drinks when it started getting crowded. I couldn't believe this was where I met Vice Ganda. Among the drag queens that showed up, a Lady Gaga impersonator with a botched nose and was a bit too tall, who the Drip IG page hyped as the real Lady Gaga, also showed up. The space went from spacious and air-conditioned to absolutely packed and sweaty, which is apt considering that the place is named Drip, because you will definitely be dripping with sweat by the end of the night. I got to meet more Instagram familiars and then continued on with the night. The heat got really bad that people started taking off their shirts as expected. King and Kenneth headed back to the hotel early. Dan also left. By the end of the night it was just me, Jon, Blake, and Clem. Clem ordered a Grabcar and the Grabcar got lost inside the Concorde hotel and we couldn't find where it was. We got back to our hotel room after maybe 2am and then watched a bit of Dan Da Dan with everyone in the same room.

DAY 2 REEL

DAY 3 - May 18th is concert day! It was a very blurry morning as we had planned to be out and about to sightsee. We got bread from the nearby bakery and then headed to Starbucks for some coffee. After that, we decided to go to Singapore's National Museum, which was mostly closed for renovations. Then went for a small lunch of hotpot and then went back to the hotel to rest. Late afternoon we were already dressed for the concert but we had to meet up with the Singapore bears first for a pre-concert group dinner. Through the rain we walked from the restaurant to get on the train to National Stadium. When we reached the stadium we got separated into our original smaller groups. I was with King, Clem, and Kenneth and immediately we queued for the merch line. At the time we did not know that there was also a queue for merch inside because nobody had said anything about it so we did a lot of waiting until it was almost the concert. We got out of the queue a good 15 minutes before the show was scheduled to start and then me and Clem got separated from King and Kenneth as Kenneth needed to get to a toilet. While me and Clem were going down the stadium stairs, the place was so hot like I was inside of an oven so I had to have my portable Jisulife fan at maximum the whole time. A girl who was in front of me got her hair caught in my fan and I was apologizing profusely after I turned it off as it had suddenly smelled like something was burning. Finally got down from the stairs to the floor seats and greeted Blake and some other friends. By the time me and Clem found our seats, to my surprise, RODNEY out of all people sits behind us. (For context, Rodney is another friend we have in Manila.) Not a few minutes later King and Kenneth also arrive to which King gave me the middle finger for not waiting for them which I think was deserved. Told King to look behind me and he was also aptly surprised to find Rodney. They had a bit of catch up and then the show finally started.

I have waited for this moment my entire life to watch Lady Gaga in concert. From start to finish I had no notes. I was screaming. I was jumping. I was singing along; and then I was ugly-crying to Blade of Grass thinking about marrying King in the future. Finally, I was singing along again. I could not even put into words how amazing the entire concert was.

After the concert ended we slowly made our way back out of the stadium and met up with Blake for a late night post-concert McDonald's. There we talked about the whole trip and which parts we enjoyed the most about which days. For the night I felt so much joy but at the same time I was sad that the next day we were going to leave Singapore. I uploaded my concert footage onto my IG stories and called it a night after packing all of my stuff.

DAY 3 REEL

DAY 4 - It was time to leave. Sad. We all went to the airport together and started talking about the whole trip and further daydream of planning future trips outside of HK/PH. We got to explore Jewel Changi for the first time since arriving, ironically, and from there we went around the malls and bought souvenirs like Famous Amos cookies. King had his flight postponed to midnight so by the time we got to the departure area we hugged him to say goodbye and to see him on his next trip back to Hong Kong. For the remainder of the time we had left in Singapore, we had coffee and walked straight to our gate. The waiting area was empty because everyone else had already boarded the plane. Got to our seats and woefully sulked as the trip is over. By the time we got to our homes in Hong Kong, King was still exploring Singapore going to tourist spots we never got to explore. I can't wait to go back again with everyone.

DAY 4 REEL

[jxandrexng]

2025 Life Updates So Far

If 2025 has taught me anything so far, it is that life can take everything away from you in the blink of an eye. For the last two years I haven't really felt like I had a successful career trajectory and much of that has stemmed from how mundane it felt and how the people I was surrounded with at work were mostly in it for themselves. There wasn't any sense of community at all unlike in my first datacenter job and it really made me feel so less of myself, especially at the time when I got called in about a potential "performance improvement plan" which is code for them to "we're terminating you soon."

I decided I have had enough of it and just turned in my resignation by the end of December 2024 and was finally unemployed after January 18 of this year (I had to work on my birthday and on a fucking Saturday out of all days). I thought to myself the greatest gift I can give myself is freedom from this horrible, horrible job. The commute to work was shit. The work hours were shit. The management was shit. And everything else about the job was shitty shit. The only redeeming factor it had for me were the colleagues I could actually talk to and hang out with outside of work. Shari, Mary, you are the two most awesome colleagues I could have ever asked for and I'm sorry I couldn't be convinced to stay in the company.

What felt like resumé building the last five years paid off at least in some sense because I feel like I now have a solid line of experience. I just didn't think it would feel like it was all for naught this 2025. For the greater half of the year I really wanted to move away from shift jobs and datacenter jobs altogether because of how shit I felt at AWS. I got into so much debt and with no way to actually sustain a mortgage, I had to get the condo I bought from 2021 refunded. I haven't collected the cheque yet and I am now in even worse credit debt than I ever have been in my entire life and even if I could repay my credit debt with the refund amount, I'd still be in debt.

As much as I could it's already end of September and I am in a very desperate position that I would take absolutely any job that I could possibly apply for. I guess I'm going back to a datacenter position again but this time hopefully within a team of dedicated people who actually not only care about themselves but the wellbeing of their colleagues as well. As of writing this I'm currently in two interview processes and I will be taking a third interview with the one I really want this week on Thursday. Wish me luck!

In other happenings, I don't discount the fact that I did have some great moments this 2025. I saw Lady Gaga in concert for the very first time in my life in Singapore last May and had met so many amazing people there. I also got to see Ichiko Aoba too, with my lover back in February.

Although this year I really have been feeling lost and in despair, I didn't feel as heavy as I did back when I lost my first job in 2023. Somehow this year is worse but I feel for the first time in my life that I have that inner hope be enough to get me through. With so many thanks to King, Clem, Kenneth, Khenn, Ryuji, James, and everyone else who has helped keep me out of my head and mean thoughts this year. I owe most of this year to all of you.

[jxandrexng]

Lying Has Consequences

If there is anything the past year has taught me it's that relationships can only go south so fast. I used to think that there are people out there you can trust anything with from the get-go but the moment you shut them out of your life (and within well reason to), all the secrets you entrusted to that person can be used against you in such twisted ways.

I'd want to be specific but a lot of the time it has also been the very thing that has made me feel so much the center of controversy for five months, plus the fact that all I did, I did in one fell swoop.

It never felt nice being constantly talked about for things you didn't even do and having no means to defend yourself against it because the spreader of such lies has made it so to spread it like a virus, infecting one unsuspecting person after another as if it was their mission to completely destroy my life. Although, one thing I will always be truly grateful for is that people believe me more than that person, or those lies.

In some way I truly think that that person had serious undiagnosed and untreated mental problems because the patterns I have heard from everyone he has ever fallen out, annoyed, or outright pretended to be friends with, align so much with what has transpired during the course of those five months.

With each lie he conjured to save face and how repetitive the stories got and god fucking knows how many versions the stories have changed from his side over time, he also had less and less people that genuinely believed he is a nice person. All he ever does is tear other people down and it took a while for people to realize that. Hell, it took me over a year to realize that.

The way we met was opportunistic at best and I couldn't find the words to express how used I felt. I treated him like my own kin. I introduced him to all of my friends. I basically gave him a fast pass and easy intro to the gay community here. I even invited him to events where he was UNWANTED but because people here trusted me more than him, they gave him a pass too. The moment I decided to cut ties, my friends cheered me on, saying that my reputation by being with him has put me in such a bad light and that they didn't say anything because they trusted me in my own judgment. All it really took was time for all the true colors to show.

The amount of badmouthing I had heard about me and the amount of times my friends would defend me makes me wish I had cut ties sooner. I never really did appreciate how during the entire friendship, 90 percent of the time it's the guy talking about himself and how he knows all these people (who don't seem to actually know him or don't claim him as a friend).

I'm glad it's all over and that it's over for that motherfucker being here in Hong Kong as well.

[jxandrexng]

It's my 13 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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Getting Older Is Starting To Feel The Same Every Year

I just turned 27 two weeks ago and it hasn't really felt fulfilling nor happy at all. I turned 27 being under a huge amount of credit card debt; A job that barely covers my expenses for the time being; And a constant unwillingness to show up at work. Like who knew being an adult would be this difficult, right? Don't get me wrong, I still think I have one of the coolest jobs I could ever ask for, but holy fucking shit this is so much more demanding that what I was used to.

Apart from that, I haven't really had that much time to have ACTUAL conversations with a lot of my friends outside of the bar scene. I kind of feel like I'm starting to lose touch with people. I love hanging out with them, still. It makes me feel less... alone, I guess.

One other thing probably is I'm putting it on the back burner how my mother is going to be here in Hong Kong again on Saturday. Could probably be also the reason why I'm constantly in an irritable mood out of fight-or-flight response. I'm trying to be as in denial about how I truly feel about it as possible but if I'm going to be brutally honest, I fucking hate having her here.

It's really endless: The constant bickering with dad. The never-ending complaints that I get about dad on a daily. How I should hang out with her more when she's here.

I fucking hate all of it. I hate spending time with my mother. At this point everything just feels fucking forced and every time she comes to Hong Kong it's really all just a cycle of this again.

If only I could tell it to her face "Hey mom, you had 21 years to be a fucking parent to me and you wasted all that time to literally just think about yourself and your needs, and look how fucked in the head I am now because of it." but of course I would never say that. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't say anything more. If I had the opportunity to never speak to my mother EVER AGAIN, I would take it. God I just fucking hate being around my parents in the same room and I can't believe I'm 27 and I have to go through this.

It's fucking embarrassing, even. Everyone I know who is at this age has either moved out of their parents' houses to buy their own, or is renting their own place. I'm so jealous of all of them. I keep on saying how I have my life planned out but to be fucking honest I have no fucking idea what the fuck I'm doing. Probably the realest reason why the quote from Everything, Everywhere, All At Once resonates so much with me

"The truth. Nothing... matters. If nothing matters, then, all that pain and guilt you feel of having made nothing of your life... goes away."

I have never related to a quote so much such as that and it keeps on replaying in my head every now and then. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop and it's driving me insane.

[jxandrexng]

Everything All At Once

Existence is pain. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am unhappy. I am anxious. I am panicking. I am relaxing. I am panicking that I might be relaxing too much. I am exhausted about constantly being anxious. I am unhappy about how I'm so tired all the time. I am all of these things at once, and none of this is a joy to experience especially at a time where I need my fullest attention to reality, to which, I am slowly feeling myself losing my grip on.

Everyday is the same. Wake up. Eat. Work. Sleep. Every week is the same. Work. Party. Work. Party. Every month is the same. Work. Get paid. Pay bills. Work. Get paid. Pay bills.

Sometimes I fear this is what life all there is. Never-ending cycles of the same things.

[jxandrexng]

How 2023 Actually Went For Me

To start off, I was unemployed for 8/12 months. Basically starting January off with a huge chunk of the 2022 holiday bonus. Come March, we finally got 60% of our retention bonuses and officially cease operations. That was the last time I have ever been to Tseung Kwan O Industrial Estate. The weeks leading up to our final day was one of the most bittersweet weeks I've ever had. With the impending expiration date of our jobs, I was out almost every night to drink out with friends. For a short while, I got to fly back to the Philippines for one weekend to see friends (and ended a friendship with one out of miscommunication + someone meddling).

The termination of our jobs, of course wouldn't be complete without the tax liability. We were all moving so fast that nobody said anything about our retention bonuses being taxable by the government. In turn we had to pay a sum of 50% of what we received. That in mind, I chose to spend the entire month of May in the Philippines.

Spending the month being with my loving partner, King, was one of the best break from work I could have ever asked for (not that I actually had a job to come back to by that time anyway). Watched drag shows with my sister, her girlfriend, and then their friends before traveling to Quezon. I got to visit my hometown and some friends and family whom I haven't seen in four years because of the pandemic. I got to eat my favourite food which I have not tasted in four years, and I got to be a tourist in my own hometown. While the hometown stay was short-lived, it was one of the best visits I could have ever asked for.

The latter half of May I spent in Manila with King. I got to experience O Bar for the first time in my entire life, big thanks to David, and Khenn. Daresay, some of the best drag performances I've ever seen in my entire life.

Come June I was back in Hong Kong and a week later, it was King who was here. I made him tag along in one of our annual junk trips, and then spent the rest of the two weeks just being tourists around Hong Kong.

August, I got to meet Maxie and made friends with him, then my dad got cancer.

September my dad got treated for cancer and my mother stayed here for an annoyingly long unwelcome period of time.

October not much was happening. Probably was the month I started actively looking for jobs and panicking about emails.

November I finally landed a job and got a position secured with AWS.

From end of November til early December I got to spend more time with King just doing touristy stuff. We got to see Caroline Polachek live at Clockenflap and it was one of the most amazing experiences ever. Second week of December I started at my new job. Third week of December, I spent time partying out with friends. Final week of 2023, I was building my momentum in the new company.

This was basically a rough summary of how I went through 2023. Take note that literally every weekend after April I was out drinking from Wednesdays to Saturdays, and half of it is until sunrise.

I could probably narrate some of these in more detail but that would be for another time.

Thank you for taking the time to read out of my silly blog which I treat as a diary

[jxandrexng]

This Is Supposed To Be A Draft For Now

Tonight I had the strong urge to pull out my media laptop and use it for what I had intended it for when I bought it: Writing. I guess with everything happening around me so fast, I have since forgotten how much I really miss pouring out my feelings into paragraphs and just letting them out into the world for everyone (or often times, no one) to see. Writing has since helped me make sense of the thoughts I have that can only be seen as random scribbles if I were to have a floating thought bubble like in the comics. The past year has been more than difficult but this year isn't shaping up to be easy either. Brainfart or whatever, but I missed this. I missed YOU, blog.

Hoping to write here again soon with updates about my life.

[jxandrexng]

I'm exhausted trying to constantly keep afloat of the flashflood that is life.

Keeping bills paid and having to balance out work with social life has never been more of a challenge as recently as today.

Wasting away money on some pseudoscience to keep my back in place and hoping in the deepest depths of placebo it works.

I'm so exhausted. I really wish there is an easy way out of all of this alive, otherwise...

[jxandrexng]

It's nice that Tumblr is at least optimized for Android 🫣

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Unfortunately, Life Goes On

I would be lying if I didn't say I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life right this moment. My first job ever is nearing its end with only a year left in the contract and I told myself that I would be doing everything that I can to learn everything I needed to jump ship. I still haven't.

I tried RE-learning Java a few months back and I just hit a wall with trying to solve an assignment and never checked back on it for the last 5 months. What the fuck have I been doing? I don't even know at this point.

It feels like time is running out so fast now. I never really anticipated any of this happening this soon. Looking back I always thought I'd be prepared and know what to do but now that it is inevitably less than a year? I'm fucked and I only have myself to blame.

I don't have the fucking skills I need for my next job. I don't even know what the fuck I want for my next job. I'm not even sure at this point if I still want to be in the IT industry. That said, what even is the point of me taking Java classes on Udemy? Fuck knows.

My boss was right, it really fucking sucks that we're going to close down our office. I remember being called in one dreaded October morning and being dropped the bombshell that we're all going to lose our fucking jobs by next year. This was after the fact that we were reassured back in June that we would NEVER close as long as we HAVE customers. But upper management says otherwise.

From that point on, everyone else was offered retention packages with some of them having really shitty ones that made them leave the company immediately. I don't blame them really. In fact, I commend them for leaving that early.

I guess when I took the job, I never really thought seriously about the industry I wanted to be in for a long time. I remember during my interview that I said I would be deviating from my programming path but I was willing to explore hardware for this job.

Here we are nearly three years later and I'm scrambling to get a grip back on programming. I'm so jealous of some of my colleagues mostly because they have their shit together while I'm constantly crumbling at work trying to pull myself together. That 30-minute conversation I had last Saturday with a colleague was a slap of a reality check. In the beginning of 2022 I told myself I would be learning so much about what I would want for a job in the next year; that I would be doing everything I can to learn new skills and improve myself. The first quarter of the year is nearly finished and I have done jack shit about getting or improving skills.

Truth be told I'm fucking clueless and I'm scared. The constant stream of thoughts saying "What if I don't get enough skills to land myself a better higher-paying job by next year?". I wouldn't really call it being too hard on myself because the fact is I really do not have any skills. At least not yet as I am writing this now.

I'm constantly wondering what if there was an easier way to earn money without busting my ass off. Exploit workers? (loljk not jk fuck billionaires tbh they are a fucking waste of space) Start my own startup company? Lottery??? Whatever it is I hope it's something I really like and want to do.

Come to think of it, I have been living in stagnation at work since 2020. I blame the pandemic and the entire structural organization of this capitalistic hegemony of a company I am working in. The funnier thing is, a lot of the higher-ups in our company, including very high-profile people, have already jumped ship a little over more than a year ago.

I guess for now I feel like shit and scared shitless that I will amount to nothing. Maybe I'll start a writing gig? I don't know, I feel like I could pull it off. I just haven't really actively tried yet. Which has been a constant problem of mine.

For the last 5 months I have literally been just distracting myself with reminders of who I am, i.e. watching TV shows I used to watch in high school and exploring some new ones. I really think a lot of this struggle to focus on what I need to do is caused by me losing myself by throwing my life away in a mundane first job.

Back then there really used to be the thrill of wanting to learn and do better but over the last 5 months, the atmosphere at work has just died. I don't even see my boss in his office box room anymore. Usually you need that kind of stuff to at least boost morale in the workplace but seeing that even my boss is as unmotivated as ever and accepted we're really closing, he just stopped caring (or at least it feels like) and has stopped coming into the office because, frankly, what is the point now anyway? He's got nothing else to supervise and a lot of what he does anyway at work can be done remotely.

Another factor probably is that this fucking government is so fucking stupid with placing restrictions on everything making life impossible to live. Maybe part of the reason why I'm so unmotivated is because I haven't really been back in the Philippines for the last 3 years because of these restrictions. I don't know. For the time being I'm just really glad I have such a loving and understanding fiancé who can talk me out of my head.

This is probably why I started going into TV shows and routines that actively remind me of what it felt like for the first time, a reminder in itself of who I am, or at least was.

I really hope I can turn things around in time.

[jxandrexng]

Ma On Shan 112220-09 (at Ma On Shan, Hong Kong) https://www.instagram.com/p/CH5x4L7H5ZH4V7qLxvuQzkQU_WhxtA-nGsuvIk0/?igshid=1vsoqhbys7nau

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Ma On Shan 112220-10 (at Ma On Shan, Hong Kong) https://www.instagram.com/p/CH5yJ7vnljQeNe_-cQEYAYHpGxFuPeKE84b2WM0/?igshid=120xgefj5txv8

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at Ma On Shan, Hong Kong https://www.instagram.com/p/CH5x_jJHKdOQtUZ-neVNVRhWh2NZ370TJ9GPjo0/?igshid=5ztnmu6aw6f8

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Ma On Shan 112220-09 (at Ma On Shan, Hong Kong) https://www.instagram.com/p/CH5x4L7H5ZH4V7qLxvuQzkQU_WhxtA-nGsuvIk0/?igshid=1vsoqhbys7nau

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Ma On Shan 112220-08 (at Ma On Shan, Hong Kong) https://www.instagram.com/p/CH5xz2LnHoz3cUJU8EV7hfa21dIh8A_nOkTWS80/?igshid=2myyvg4p65k