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The only reason I’m alive rn is bcos I don’t want my parents planning another funeral for their kid

Nice to know my friends care more about who I talk to than my mental health

Do people not understand that after unfortunate events, you change? How are you gona say our friendship is rocky compared to how it was before? I am not the same person I was before? You expect me to be the same after my brother died? Fuck you lol

I’d rather die

I can’t fucking do this anymore

everyone is making me feel like nothing

Wow I really feel like nothing

Going thru a shitty time doesn’t give u an excuse to be a shitty person. I been letting my feelings and emotions get the best of me and holy fuck I am so trash for it. I am sorry for not being a good friend. I am sorry for not being a good daughter. I just really don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t even know if I ever knew once before this. I’m the lowest I ever been & I just keep getting lower. I know it takes time and time heals all. But at this rate, I just feel like it’s impossible for me to go any up.

I break so easily. I get mad so easily. Sad so easily. Even happy so easily. I feel like a bomb that could go off any second. Everything and anything triggers me.

Last night you gave me a sign. I was so lost. I wanted to visit you but forest lawn closed. I couldn’t go home. I kept driving until I ended up at your old job. McDonald’s. It sounds so silly but I am so glad I ended up there. I got a smoothie and parked at the back. I was hesitant to park there. The lot was pretty empty. I could’ve parked anywhere. But I ended up there at that spot. I cried and cried. No one was by me. I was parked in the back. Next thing I know it, I see someone walking behind my car. My first instinct was to look at my door lock real quick because I got scared. But u looked closer to the person. It was Deondré. Your best friend. at first I wasn’t going to say anything but then I thought of you. I thought, you probably did that on purpose. What were the odds. I called him over and he was shocked to see me. I told him what brought me there at that time and he said he wasn’t even supposed to stay that late past his shift but he offered to help out. That’s when I knew it was you. You put us there. I felt alone and lost and you reminded me that I wasn’t. Maybe I’m being too hopeful or just using everything as “a sign” but while I was talking to him, the parking lights went on. They lit up and I just felt so safe there. We said goodbye and I took off to finally go home. I had a little smile on my face. I knew you were there with me.

why did u fucking ruin everything. We were so good once. We had it all. You fucking ruined everything. I am so mad. Why’d you have to get too comfortable. Why are you so selfish. Why can’t you see my pain. Feel it. It’s not fair. We had it all. And now it’s gone. I want u back I want u here with me but I know I know I fucking know we can never be good again. I know it. You ask me how do I know I can’t predict the future. But I can feel it. I can feel how wrong it is. It should have never come to this. But it has. And there’s no going back. You ruined everything.

It’s so fucking crazy. Looking back at my older posts. I thought I had it bad. I thought I was at my lowest point. I thought life couldn’t get any worse. But holy fuck was I wrong. I have never felt so low. I never even imagined that this would happen

I drunk texted my brother last night

I miss you so much Kuya

If I had to choose me or you? I’d choose me

It shouldn’t take an argument for u to see how I feel

I am so in love with you. I get so anxious thinking about how hard I fell for you. How fast I fell for you. You make me feel like a kid again. Like nothing else matters. Like it’s just me & you. I am so in love with you.

I miss you. I wish I was able to visit you at least once. I never got to see you shine in the Philippines with all your family. I never got to see you in your space and see your genuine smile just like in the pictures dad used to show me. I was the worst grand daughter. I took our time for granted. I continued to put different aspects of my life before you. I went out every night and rarely spent any time with you. You just seemed so forever to me. Like you leaving me was simply impossible. And of course that’s me being the shitty, naive grand daughter that I am. I took our time for granted. I stopped going to church with you as I got older. I stopped calling you when u went back home. I stopped caring. I took our time for granted. I took you for granted.

Everyone’s saying the wrong things. No ones helping me. I know people care or at least they think they care but I have always felt so alone. This is probably the most alone I have ever felt. Why do I not feel like talking to anyone but Topher. I never wanted this before. I thought about him from time to time but never enough to reach out to him. I regret it so much. My pride really gets in the way of everything. He was my best friend. He was there during my lowest and yeah growing apart from people is normal and inevitable but I really shouldn’t have let it happen with him. Now that he’s gone I don’t know my chest is so heavy. I am so sorry Topher for letting our friendship go. And for letting you go. I am so so sorry

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