As I'm Falling

Bibliophile. Mom. Shoes. Fitness. Skating. Locs. Coding. That's me.

[jzfs720]

Dear God,

I'm angry. I'm angry that you took it all away. Why give it just to take it away? They say to remember Job. I thought that situation was just as stupid and senseless as my own. What is the purpose? Is this supposed to draw me closer to You? I feel like I'm falling further and further away the longer this goes on. I'm out of hope. Every day a bit more anger manifests. What was the point of trying to do things Your way when doing them my own way would have yielded the same result? At least then, when things didn't work out, I could blame my disobedience. Now I just blame You.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

I'm sure you see Aunt Jackie there now. It was cancer. She'll probably tell you. None of this ever gets easier. She was just diagnosed 6 months ago. I was supposed to visit her again tomorrow, but she didn't make it to tomorrow. Chazz was on a flight home when she passed. He didn't get to be there with her. Unc and Jr. And Jay were there, though. But I know she was in pain. Just like you were. And tired of hospitals and diagnosis and medicines. Mama got to spend time with her Monday. She was apparently talking a little bit. Then Wednesday she was gone. I just want to go back in time; I want to really cherish those years and treat them as the best we would ever have. It still stands true. Those were the best times of our lives and we didn't even know it.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

I wish you could be here to see your grandson. I know it's something you were hoping for. Even when we weren't sure we wanted another child, you were hoping for it. I still don't understand why things have to be the way they are. Mama is here having so much fun with Aubrianna, but I wanted you to have that, too. What do people look like in Heaven? Do you recognize them? I really hope we're ad recognizable there as we are on Earth. I want to create a new, eternal life with all of my family. I want there to be happiness and love and togetherness like there used to be.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

Thanksgiving wasn't the same without you. Nothing is the same. What is it like to not feel sadness or be in pain? I guess any way you describe it, it would still be incomprehensible. I still listen to your voice mails. I want to get the best one added to a Build a Bear. I say it's the best because you sound healthy and happy on that one. The others sounded tired; defeated. I don't like those as much.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy.

Things are hard. We're working all the time just to make it and try to put up a little money. We sold the land. We didn't have a choice. I know you wanted to live on it. We just couldn't afford it. I hate that you didn't have a place to call your own, but I'm grateful Aunt Jewel had her house for you. I still keep going over the last few days in my head. What happened? You were working on your truck a couple days beforehand and taking selfie and posting videos on Facebook. Did you not feel well? Or rather, worse than you usually felt. I don't get it. I truly don't. Did you have a good day today? Has it even been a day there? It has been 7 months here. We had a family reunion. The list of names on the back of the shirt looks so overwhelmingly long. Everyone who has left this place is starting to match the number of people still here. It's sad. I'm sad. Aubrey was able to meet everyone. Aunt Janie even came. Jabar has twins now. Qua is having twins, too. Slight slivers of sunshine in the rain.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

It's your birthday. It still doesn't feel real that you're not here. This sadness never goes away, does it? I keep looking at pictures of you and it almost feels like everything is OK and I can just call you in a few minutes. That thought only lasts a few seconds though. I keep saying this; I know you're ok. I do. And I'm grateful that you are. But I don't know if I'm ok. I don't know...I have to be present and focused here because there are things that need to be accomplished before my time here is done, but it's so hard to commit to the things I need to do lately. I'm trying. I wish you could talk back to me. Then, at least if I couldn't see you, I could still interact with you. Can you see what happens here? Does Jesus tell you? If you can, I want you to know that I miss you.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

Father's Day has come and gone. I sent you a text message. Hopefully whoever has the number now won't mind it. I wanted you yo be here to see Bubba grow. You wanted to see her graduate from high school. She was really just starting to get to know you now that she's old enough to understand who you are. Some days out of the blue, I'll remember that you're not coming back to this side. All I have are memories that we can't relive. Time really doesn't heal anything. I just want to say hi and hear you say it back. I want to see you and talk to you and know you're ok.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

Today is Mother's Day. I won't get a call from you for a long time. Maybe it doesn't seem long to you, but on my side it is. It just doesn't seem fair that you waited so long to be a Paw Paw and only got to enjoy it for a year and a half. I know things were hard here, though. Your body was tired and something new was breaking down seemingly everyday. I just wanted things to be so different. I wanted our family to be together. I wanted what we all had when BeBe and Granny were here. We don't come together anymore. There is no cohesiveness. Where did it start going wrong? Why did no one see our families breaking apart? I'm not looking for Hallmark, but I was looking for harmony. It seems like that was too much to ask.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

How was your day? What did you get to do today?

Mine was ok. Work was kind of slow which was fine. Bubba went to the potty for the first time on Monday. She hasn't done it since then, but it's a start. We had our Pastoral installation, finally. After 14 months, it's finally done. Jalon was killed a couple weeks ago. Do you see him? I don't know if he was saved, but I hope so. Tell the family "hi" for us! I'll talk to you soon. Love you ❤

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

Tomorrow is Easter. You won't get to see Bubba in her Easter dress. I'm grateful you saw her first Easter, buy I think you would've really enjoyed this one. She'll be doing her first egg hunt. I want to send you pictures. I just want things to go back to normal, but they never will. You really left me. I'm not blaming you. It's just still hard to believe. I feel like I'm slowly bumping against a wall everyday, then I'll back up far enough to where I have a considerable distance to move, then I start forward again. Things feel good for awhile until I get back to the same wall. The wall that won't move. I want to go back so far that I return to a place where I never knew this wall existed; before I knew this time would come to pass. Everything has changed. Everything.

[jzfs720]

Daddy! 👋🏾

How was your day? Mine was ok. Lots of work to do. I still haven't gotten an answer about what the weather is like there, but I guess I'll find out.Is there a schedule of events, or are you able to do what you like? I bet it's nice to not have to feel sick or hurt. I'm glad you're there ❤

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

I went to the doctor today. They asked about family history. They asked about your stroke and hypertension and diabetes. They asked if you were still living. I said no. This is the first time I answered that question in that way. I know you're alive, but on earth you're not. I took a funny picture of Aubrey today and already had a text to you pulled up before I thought about it. I deleted it slowly and just sent it to Mama. How are people supposed to get used to this? You live with someone your whole life, and one day they just aren't there anymore 😔.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

I miss hearing your voice. I have a voice mail from you that I will hopefully keep up with. You sound good in it. Healthy. It's still really hard to wrap my head around the fact that you're not here. You won't be here ever again. I know you're ok, but do you know if I'm ok? Does Jesus let you see us from time to time? Or are things so wonderful that we're not a concern? I could understand of that were the case. I do miss you. I hope you're happy and that your days are incredibly eventful and full of family and friendships. Love you.

[jzfs720]

Daddy!

Today was am average day. I would much rather have average than bad days. Aubrey says hi. She keeps trying to take the phone. I'm going to keep showing her your pictures so that she remembers who you are, and that she knows PawPaw loves her. How did your day go? Do you make new friends in Paradise? You were always talking to someone here. You were really reclusive these last couple years. I know in large part due to your ailments, but fewer people also came around. Mr. Willie and Mr. John were always there. I know you missed people, so I hope you're getting the chance to be social again.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

How was your day? Has there even been nighttime yet? I can't even fathom how time works other than from the perspective of Earth. Mama got an award for being at her job 20 years. I can't imagine 20 years at one job. Today was pretty uneventful. I'm still just taking things one day at a time. I know you're ok. I'm trying to figure out how to be ok, too.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy!

I just finished reading Aubrey her bedtime story. She's learning to count. You always said she was smart. She really is. I would have liked to see you watch her grow up. You really loved being a PawPaw. When we see you we'll tell you about it. Things are so different now. What's hardest for me is not having the option to call you. There is just a feeling of emptiness whenever I think about Facetiming you. There is so much you can't do as well because this isn't your home anymore. I feel lost lately. Nothing is the way it's supposed to be. There's too much wrong, and I can't change any of it.

[jzfs720]

Hi, Daddy

Today was ok. I finished a project at work that we've been building for months. I picked Aubrey up from daycare, and before we got out, I climbed in back with her just to sit. She climbed the door and hung off it like a little monkey. I took a picture and sent to Mama because I knew she would laugh. I was about to send it to you before I remembered I couldn't. You would've laughed too with your hand over your face. This is all really hard. Will it always hurt?