I think the thing that gets me about Tianshan is that regardless of how freaky or rough they are in their day-to-day lives, whenever they actually do something intimate it's always so soft
They start slow, their touches linger, caress, and there's always so much trust in it, that the need for words disappears. The scenes physically show how much comfort and love they find in each other.
And even now, years later, that's still so apparent.
It's in how soft He Tian's touches are, how he kisses Mo's forehead, and how Mo melts at that. It's his expression of "fuck I've missed you so much, I've missed this love, this comfort", and how HT doesn't even start kissing his lips after this look, and rather just calls out his name, hugs him, and rubs his head against Mo.
Slightly in contrast to their personalities, Tianshan's intimate scenes are always so intimate.
a series of texts/letters/notes that mo guan shan has written for he tian but will never send
note: he tian left after high school
—
xx/xx/xx
to: chicken dick [unsent]
are you at wherever the fuck you should be at now? hope your flight was as shitty as your goodbye was
—
xx/xx/xx
Decided to give the old college experience a try after all. The high school teachers did say my grades were good enough to apply to some. Thanks for that I guess by the way. Studying wasn’t so bad when you have help.
Tuition costs are gonna be a bitch though so I’ll have to look for scholarship and shit.
I’m keeping my promise and trying my best to be better.
—
xx-xx 01:09 PM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
[photo attached: a black puppy]
ma got a new dog. the mutt followed her from the market after she shooed some bigger dogs picking on it.
xx-xx 01:10 PM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
now it switched to following me around it’s fucking annoying. i have to look where i walk or i’ll step on it and then it’ll cry non-stop. stupid mutt.
xx-xx 01:10 PM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
told ma not to name it or it’ll get attached.
—
xx-xx 10:34 AM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
[photo attached: a black puppy with an orange collar]
named him tian-tian
—
xx/xx/xx
Got accepted to a university in Shanghai. Food science and tech. It feels so fucking surreal.
Ma cried when we got the acceptance letter. I legit thought it was another rejection but the envelope was different. She opened the letter because my hands were shaking. It came with a fucking scholarship. She’s on the phone now telling all our relatives about it. We’re gonna see Pa tomorrow to tell him.
I wish you were here to open the letter with me too, chicken dick.
—
xx-xx 02:38 AM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
ma said there’s a chance pa could get out on parole. they’re hopeful but i don’t wanna get my hopes up.
xx-xx 02:40 AM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
sorry. idk who else to tell this to.
—
xx/xx/xx
I applied for an athletic scholarship too. Track and field. The one the school gave was just for basic tuition. This one will cover the rest. It helped that I won a couple of track meets in high school. Guess all that running from gang’s in middle school paid off, huh?
Did you ever imagine I’ll be in college with not one but two scholarship? ‘Cause I sure as hell fuckin’ didn’t. Holy fucking shit.
Still gotta work part time though. Living expenses in Shanghai is no joke. Fuck. Do you know how much cong you bing costs here? Don’t even get me started on how much a bowl of noodle is here. Unbefuckinglievable.
It wasn’t even as good as the one we used to eat at after school. I miss eating xiaomian with you.
—
xx-xx 11:21 AM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
shanghai is fucking big and confusing. and busy.
xx-xx 11:30 AM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
i missed a station and messed up my train switch.
xx-xx 01:19 PM
to: chicken dick [unsent]
it’s fine. i still made it to the campus. lots of rich boys here like you btw. you would’ve fit right in.
—
xx/xx/xx
First years have to live on campus and the dorming system fucking sucks ass. And my roommate was an even bigger dick than you but at least he wasn’t a slob. No one will top you in that department I guess.
Rented a cheaper apartment off campus this year. It’s a shitty studio type, a bit cramped, but I like the privacy. It’s also closer to my part-time job and there’s this elderly couple who lives below me. I help them around sometimes and they give me food. The old landlady is a bit of a hardass though but…I think you would’ve charmed and won her over too, you smarmy ass shithead.
Rent isn’t cheap but it’s not too expensive either. If you were here, we could’ve shared an apartment. A regular one, not the high-end one you used to live in. Better for costs and splitting chores—not that you were any good at them, but you would’ve gotten better if you stayed. I wasn’t gonna tolerate your rich boy ass in college.
I know you had to leave but I wish you stayed instead. Would’ve been less lonely here.
—
xx/xx/xx
Finals exams are coming up and it’s kicking my fucking ass. Between classes and my part-time job I hardly have time to study. It’s a good thing sports training and extra-curricular activities are on pause now. But holy fucking shit why is it so hard to study?? It’s like I’m back in middle school and nothing is going in my head. How did I make it through high school?!
Yeah, yeah. I know. You were there. You tutored me and shit. Whatever, you dick. I don’t know why but it was just easier to focus with you around…but also not. It’s…you’re a distraction, but also you help me focus. Does that makes sense?
I guess what I’m trying to say is…you being around made me want to do better.
It’s selfish but I wish it was just Jian Yi. I wish I got to keep you here with me.
—
xx/xx/xx
Exams are finally fucking done ended. I think I passed all of them. I have to pass all of them. I wanna graduate next year already. I can't be delayed. I’m so exhausted I feel like my brain is running on fumes. Bet you’ll be all smug and shit because you know you aced all your exams, you fucking smart ass. If you were here I mean. Fuck. I’m hungry but I’m too tired to get up. I want those sandwiches you used to make. If you were here would you make them for me? Would you pat my head and tell me I did a good job? When are you coming back? I miss your stupid smugass face. I miss y—
—
xx/xx/xx
I smoked a cigarette tonight. Just one. I was at a party and someone somehow had real cigarettes instead of a vape or those fancy e-cigarette shit. Does your rich boy ass use those? Or do you still prefer real nicotine? Bet you still smoke sticks you fucking edgelord.
I smoked in the balcony while my friends talked shit. Yeah, I have friends, dick head. You pick a few of those up when you do the college experience apparently. The owner of the house and the host is also my friend. Never imagined my punk ass self to hang out with college kids and get invited to honest to god normal college parties, but, fuck it. Here I am.
Zhengxi was there too. We go to the same university. Don’t think I ever mentioned that before, have I? I’m not sure what he’s taking. I think it was business? Something with a lot of math. I don’t fucking know. He’s…he’s been better. He was a fucking hot mess after Jian Yi left but now he’s…still a mess. Sometimes. I am too. After you left. But he’s trying. I am too. And some days are harder than others.
I don’t really smoke. Just felt like it tonight. Maybe it’s the alcohol (no, I’m not drunk, I barely drank) or the company. Maybe I just missed you and thought this is what you’ll do if you were here.
It was menthol. The cig I smoked. It fell cool in my lungs, calming almost, and I kind of understand why you're addicted to this shit I guess. If I didn’t hate the taste of smoke and the aftertaste maybe I’ll be too.
I didn’t hate it when you were blowing it in my mouth though.
The air in the balcony was cold. The smoke from the cig reminded me how you’d sometimes forget you still have a lighted stick between your fingers and just watch the smoke float up. I finished the stick and stubbed it twice on the ash tray before twisting it. Just like how you put it out.
—
xx/xx/xx
‘will he be sad if i leave?’ you wrote that down in your notebook. Before. In middle school. It was scratched over by ballpoint but the ink was blue and the words were written in black. It’s like you didn’t want to erase it after all. Did you want me to read it, you fuck?
Will I be sad if you leave? Guess what, dick head? I’m fucking devastated. Not really. 🖕
either he tian is making plans to either take mo guan shan with him when he leaves or leave everything involving his family behind and escape with mo guan shan OR he's telling mo guan shan that in the future, when he tian returns (because he will, of course he will), wherever it may be they decided to go next, they will always be together
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