I have struggled with this since I started college and i honestly feel so tired... so, so tired and vulnerable. Iāve become the most anxious person ever. Whenever one of my friends change in the most subtle way how they treat me (whether is bc theyāre having a shit day, theyāre tired or just very distracted about something) I start thinking i am the problem.
Did I do something to bother them? Do they hate me? Am I annoying? Should I ask? And what if I ask and they get real mad at me? What do I do? Am I going to end up alone?
One of my friends had a shit day and I send her messages through the day without knowing this. I could see they read them, and not having a single reply made me feel like I was bothering them... Normal people would have mind their stuff but I was there, feeling absolutely heartbroken and nervous about this. Was it because the night before I went out for a drink with my classmates and didnāt pay attention to my phone? My friend said she was having a rough night and wanted to talk to me, but I didnāt even check my phone because I was out and came back home real late. And as hours passed by I was even more frustrated about this.
āIām being the shittest friend ever. When they need you, you gotta be there, you gotta CARE, you gotta give your support but oh, where were you? having a night out? a couple drinks? HAVING FUN INSTEAD OF LENDING A HAND TO YOUR DEAR FRIEND? You fucking disgust meā
My mind kept repeating this over and over, like an echo. I had a bad day... A really bad day because I couldnāt get this off my head.Ā
It seems so little, so insignificant but trust me, this was hell to me. I have recently learnt that I shouldnāt minimize the way I feel, so I will stick to how it felt for me, and that was just awful. I wanted to cry so bad but I couldnāt do it... Tears just wouldnt come out. It has always been really hard for me to cry, but now I needed it because I just knew that was the only way I would feel better, yet I couldnāt do it.
A few minutes ago I tried to sketch something because I thought it would help me. Maybe I could try doodling how I feel, maybe I should distract my silly head from these dumb ideas and just try doing something that I really love...Ā
As soon as I touched the pencil I knew I wasnāt going to draw absolutely anything. I tried, I drew a single line and I felt SO frustrated I threw my sketchbook and my pencil to the wall and started crying. It was angry crying because I was so frustrated. Why the fuck do I have to be like this? Why can I just-- go on with my life without caring SO MUCH about what others think of me? What is wrong with me? Why wont my own mind give me a break? Why canāt I draw? Why canāt I just be happy...?
I feel a little more calm now that I cried. But Iām still really sad. I wish I was normal, I wish I didnāt care about these things. I wish for so many things...
