venom: the musical should be a thing and you can’t change my mind
strap in, monsterfuckers, because this concept is going to broadway one day
venom is played by a guy in a black morph suit
his lines are done via eddie’s actor doing ventriloquism
(it does not need to be convincing)
(it’s better if it’s not)
we open with the overture playing under prerecorded lines of news reports about the shuttle crash, about drake’s work at the life foundation, soundbites from eddie’s show, etc., and slowly, eddie’s voice becomes the loudest and most prominent
and all of a sudden, the overture stops as eddie says some badass line about how evil drake is
venom and eddie sing duets at least 5 times
eddie and anne get a love duet early on, but it’s ever so slightly off. their harmonies don’t sound quite right and the rhyme scheme doesn’t quite work.
when anne dumps him though? THAT song fits perfectly. that one is absolutely coherent.
maria gets a little song that’s very short but very sweet and it’s one everyone likes and remembers
and when eddie finds her being held prisoner, he sings about how he has to save her
eddie and venom’s first meeting is an entirely instrumental song played over some bob fosse-esque choreography as these two check each other out and fall in love
when eddie puts on the “mask”, eddie’s actor just runs away and yells his lines from offstage while venom’s actor does the action
no spectacular special effects, you very visibly see eddie running on and offstage every few minutes
there is an extremely epic song sung only by members of the chorus as riot goes between various hosts
drake has an villain song where he taunts and torments the test subjects and it would be very creepy
except in the background dora is going
“uh sir that doesn’t make sense–sir that metaphor just does not work”
dan has an epic power ballad about halfway through act two called “fourth billed” and it’s all about how he’s a supporting character in his own goddamn life…….
but it’s okay, because he has anne and they’re happy. he doesn’t need to be the lead in this romantic comedy, he just needs anne to be happy.
the musical number at the lobster scene is literally called “panic at the bistro” and it’s one of those numbers where like 10 different characters are all singing over each other very quickly, all with different lyrics and tunes
until eddie finally screams at them all to shut up and it suddenly goes quiet
act one closes with an absolute bop after eddie and venom climb the skyscraper, and declare that they’re a team
when eddie and venom briefly have a falling out…..eddie sings a reprise of his breakup song with anne
anne gets a song where outwardly she’s like “oh, aliens? invasion? monsterfucking? hm interesting okay yeah i’m game” but her inner monologue is her going “what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck”
when venom/anne kisses eddie to give venom back to eddie, the actor in the morph suit goes from getting a piggyback ride from anne to getting a piggyback ride from eddie and it’s somehow very romantic
the fight between venom and riot is two actors in morph suits slapping each other while eddie and drake’s actors stand off to the side yelling their lines
after the rocket explodes eddie gets a sad solo reprise of one of his and venom’s duets from earlier
later when he’s talking to anne, she and eddie sing a song that’s a reprise of both their previous love duet, and eddie’s act one closer duet with venom, where anne’s basically saying “i know he’s gone and i can’t replace him, and things between us aren’t how they used to be, but i’m here for you”
venom’s voice chimes in, too and it becomes a trio
optional: a scene where eddie and venom run to each other across the stage in slow-mo
the closing number of the show is called “anything we want” and it’s venom and eddie singing a Final Love Duet, before it segues into them threatening the mugger at the end while the chorus sings reprises of other songs in the background
and the very last spoken line is, you guessed it,
for your information this post is only 40% a joke
someone make this a thing plz
