Kaleidoscope of Shadows

Lesbian that hates life and loves to write about how much she hates life

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Music of You

Mazzy Star "Fade into You"

Carly Rae Jepsen,

"I really Like You"

"She's so High"

"Mr. Blue Sky"

90s, Indie,

"Send me the Moon"

Anthony's Song

Your Song

Annie's Song

My Heart Will Go On

fun. TSwift, Ray LaMontagne

"Bitter Sweet Symphony"

"Can't Help Falling in Love with You"

Coldplay's "Up&Up, " "Yellow," "Fix You,"

ODESZA, "Just a Memory"

Sia's haunting "Breathe Me"

You are Time in a Bottle

You are The Sweetest Thing

You always Make My Heart Sing

Repeat the Playlist over again

Give that record another spin

"Lovin' You"

"For you Blue"

"Trapped in the Drive Thru"

"Love me Like You Do"

Animal Crossing, Hourly Theme

"Habits" by Tove Lo

"Make Out With Me"

Whitney Houston

Kim Petras

Juice Newton

The whole score from Tetris

The Theme from Jurassic Park

Lionel Richie's "You Are"

Forgetting the words to

"You are My Sunshine"

Hozier, "Someone New"

"Almost," "Cherry Wine"

Bright Lights and Cityscapes

"Pulaski at Night"

"The Sweet Escape"

Parcels,

Syd Matters,

"Obstacles"

aha, acoustic

more Billy Joel

Supertramp

"Addict with a Pen"

Elliot Root,

"Punks and Poets"

Troye Sivan

"Strawberries and Cigarettes"

"I'll Be"

"Eleanor Rigby"

"Walking On a Dream"

"Blackbird",

"Bright Eyes"

"Emerald Eyes"

Billie Eillish,

"I'm the Bad Guy"

Of every Ballad ever sung

Yours will keep my heart

ever young.

No matter the genre

No matter the words

Each melody keeps me

Like a cage to a bird

No matter the Tempo

Fast, moderate, slow

Both of us knows

You'll be changing

Your major to Jo

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

The One

You left your water at my place again

I hear your voice in the sound of rain

I still taste diet root beer on your tongue

Baby, you are the one

The one I have been waiting for

The one who shakes me to the core

No matter what I am or who I am to you

You're the one I want to come home too

You take my breath away

I barely hear the words you say

When your lips are touching mine

I can't keep track of the time

But I do know, you are the one

The one I waited my life for

The one who pulled out all my floors

Someday soon I will come home to you

Promise you will love me too

There you are in the February night

All I see are the dozen blurry headlights

You hum a melody for later to your phone

God, I just want to take you home

You turn your head and smile at me

Our hands folded like soft origami

Connected, our pieces fall into place

Catching me as our walls fall away

You are the one

I still remember the fireplace flicker

Tagging your back with a lost Resort sticker

Sharing your first kiss outside in the cold

Gave you my jacket, a move ever bold

And I still remember the still and the silence

Sound of your breath, it's practically science

The shape of your nose pressed into my cheek

The greatest symphony of converging heartbeats

You are the one for me

The one I would drive eight-thousand miles

To hold you for a fraction of "a short while"

The one who sees me as me

Despite my identity complexity

I hope I mean just as much to you

You're beautiful darling

and I'm in love with you

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Your eyes are so deep and dark that they could drown me, your kisses give me oxygen, your hands gently surround me. You may be small but you’re the perfect size to hug in towards me, swallowed in a radiant hug, resting here beside me. I wish my body suited me, often I feel so unhappy, but every time I let you in, you remind me why you have me. Even though your dreams go unfulfilled, you’re satisfied that I will love you forever still. You don’t care what’s under the careful layers of shirts, hidden here. You only care the soul within this old traumatized exterior. I do not pretend to care what secrets lie underneath your dress because it’s in your poetic words that my chaotic thoughts find rest. Hand in hand we do prepare for a journey light years long. We carry on ever fearlessly, together we are strong. Though we face the sands of time, blinding in the wind, I know that, should we persist, my dear, we are bloody sure to win.

I love you

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Internal Transphobe

I have never felt so safe

I have never loved such silence

I didn't know how great

How precious is her guidance?

Yet so foreign and unknown

want to break into her home

See what is hiding

6 feet under, in a tomb

I know her Holy Grail

Is not meant to be unveiled

I'm feeling rather scummy

to ponder the Southern Isle of Tummy

I ask myself if I would

lay it all out for her

But just because I would,

I don't expect that she should

I don't value any part of her

more than any other

But it's hard to hide an intrigue

which causes me to stutter.

She has something I want

but, in the way I want it, I cannot.

Unless I save a couple hundred thousand

Even then, the scars would haunt.

Why I choose to fixate

on things I should never ask

when, the person who's in question,

I would never choose to trespass.

Why do I even want to see

the forbidden fruit I crave to eat

when there's an orchard left unsheathed;

Indeed,

Why seek something criminal

when I live a rich man's life.

Acting like a rabid animal

will lose me rights to her Divine

No, I'm not just using her,

why cause her pain parallel to mine?

I cherish her every blemish

So why am I so selfish?

This interest in her assets,

given my preference,

it makes no sense.

I'm caught up in the crossfire

Of who I am

and what I want

Maybe I am simply unfit for this

She deserves more trustful lips to kiss

Am I feasting off the bliss?

I thought we were meant to be

I guess I will have to wait and see.

I hope she will forgive me

Not that she should

If I were her, I wouldn't.

I wonder if I'm the only one

conflicted by my desire.

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

I Don't Own My Body

Come now, Sir

Would you like to try

Couple wings, breast, perhaps a nice thigh?

Battered 'n, floured n' tossed in spice

Come here, ma'am! Just take a slice

Juicy, flavorful, filled with delight;

Satisfies all with every bite

Samples! Samples! All for free

Abundant, Scrumptious

Virginity

Two for one special!

Goin' once, Goin' TWICE

Greasy, sticky, paradise

A deal's a deal, get it while you can

But what you steal, might getcha banned

Server! Server! My food isn't right!

Take this fat sloth out of my life

The customer, they say, is always right

The customer, they pay, and it's with your life.

Pardon my French in the next insight;

But who the fuck decides upon the customer's rights?

Silence! Vile slave!

The company raves

Then comes the sound of the mauling of prey

Kitchen Prep of the one who's dignity they slayed

They take me deep fried,

Gluten-free, light

They take what they want and they take what they like

My body for sale, delivered by lies,

The same lies they feed all who they then leave to die.

Would you like yours sparsely dressed?

Heart blackened, fileted; for our most esteemed guest?

You gulp down my blood like dry Chardonnet

savor, relish, but don't offer to pay

Why should they pay when they refuse to stay?

They gain nothing from giving what could not be replaced

One star review after raping my assets,

Fine! Don't expect me to weep on your casket.

When you wake up at night

With a hellish belly ache

Remember who died for your Ribeye Steak

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Kimmy

I first met you several months ago

Feels like it's been years, although.

I wanted to be your friend

Even then.

But I said things that put that hope to a tragic end

Truly, I never wanted

Never wanted to

Hurt you the way I do

I know I could never take it back

adding that to the perfect stack

of regrettable shit that I've said

I don't know if this changes things

I know that the wound from my knife still stings

But ever since I said it,

My heart won't stop bleedin'

Hurts that we can never laugh the same

I don't know if you want to hear

From me, the one who attacked your heart, my dear

But I hated myself so much

I truly did come so close to just giving up

So they locked me away

for a day

So afraid

But I made

I made it out of that jail alive

Tell me do you want to try again?

I only ask because I still want to be your friend

I know I don't have your trust

I miss the shimmer in your eyes so much

Knowing it may take you some time

to see that this broken bean is even worth the climb

I promise on the other side

That the bitterness that I kept inside

All the pain that was eating me alive

Rushed my suicide

Has died

turned the tide

I first met you several months ago

You did all you could to let your love show

Invited me to be part of your squad

My ego made jealousy all that I saw

I'm so sorry

I'm so fucking sorry

I know we're both flawed

Both have the defenses of a god

But lines were drawn

It was my choice to cross on

I'm so sorry

There's not a part of my body

that doesn't ache for the time

When I still respected your mind

And you would respect mine

Could I be so blind?

I first met you several months ago

The pain was strong then

The same things hurt now

And I'm sorry

[kaleidoscopeofrainbows]

Poetry time

Dear Mrs. Future,

I put all my money on you

I’m taking the next four years

To better myself for you

I know to take

this responsibility

that you make

I have to be stronger

I have to be confident

self-love might take longer

for me to grasp

but if you hold out for me

I’ll be yours at last

Hold out for me, Mrs. Future

Hold out for us

It will take me time

to learn how to trust

it will take much endurance

to know who to trust

Take this promise as insurance,

if you wait for me,

I will definitely wait for you

My heart will be full

But, for you, there will be room

nurture our love fondly,

these flowers shall bloom

blossoms will die

but will also bear fruit

Hold out for me Mrs. Future,

Mrs. Future, be my lady?

I have no other words but these:

I will give you my heart,

know how to let you love me,

I will know how to love,

let love set me free.

I will love you.

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Written for the Moon

So, maybe I don’t know you yet

Still, it seems, my heart is set

I’ve considered the odds

Measured it all

There is nothing to misinterpret

 You are the note on the back of my hand

I know what it says when the words start to bleed

You are the first morning sip of water I need

I don’t know who you are but I know you’re in it for me

 A voice like the flickering evening light

Eyes that glimmer when you know you’re damn right

A smart, simple mouth with more words than you say

Kaleidoscope of rainbows tumble down like ocean waves

Every day you change but your face is the same

 I hate writing poems for girls now

It didn’t used to make me cringe and bow

But every time I write these shitty stupid words

I expect only curses and disappointment emerge

Is it worth it?

 Is the time I put into trying to be

Is the effort I rush with totally me

I don’t want to land on my ass

I’ll give you a try, I’ll try to trust

I’ll trust you a little, and a little I must

Your patience will always be your most priceless trait

Hopefully soon we will no longer wait, wait, and wait

 This petty collection of disjointed words for you

My angel, my lady, My Beautiful June

It may not be much, but it’s what I’ve got

Know that I love you a whole fuckin’ lot

               Happy GALentine’s Gay,

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

A Year Later

Here I sit on my bed

Just like I did a year ago

Then I wanted to be dead

A year later, to just let go

The past descends on me

Like a mansion ceiling

Broken, haunted, dusty,

full of secrets too revealing

Today I want to get away

from the reality that bores me

Was it only yesterday

seemed reality ends before me

Vivid thoughts of knotted rope,

trickling life from out my throat,

laying empty in the road,

flashing thoughts, ghoulish croak.

“Help me!” I wrote my only friend,

the blackest ink from my own veins

A year it’s been, from that draft’s end

every breath accounted for as gains.

A night ago, I did relapse

Saw me, the tilled clay of my flesh

“Why?” I ponder, “if not the past’s

desire for pain new and fresh?”

My character has been evolved

No cravings for once to be undone

But the mystery remains unsolved.

A spider’s web can’t be unspun.

Why can’t I just get rid of these?

Don’t I other ways to cope?

My only hope to be set free

yet I’m addicted to this dope

Perhaps, I’ll find in another year,

I’ll be resistant to the gravity

Today, lift praise for being here

and pray, “Deliver from depravity”

From,

Someone halfway to the other side

with gentleness and love

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Mollie

I let the sun set and see the moon rise

A million decisions

And I need to choose

But you’re the one

I make with ease

Take the moon up

Against the forest of trees

I give it to you until day comes again

Give you the light

That comes with the promise:

“Stay.”

One decision I don’t have to make

Hold to your hand until the daybreak

Smile that reflects that of your moon

Smile with the promise:

“I will see you soon”

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Baby I love you

You barely know my name

Ever since your face crossed my dash

My mind won’t think the same

My decisions I know might be rash

And hard as it is to convince the truth

I want more than heaven

More than the stars just to hold you

My love

I don’t know your story

If we spent too much time

I hope won’t say “sorry you bore me”

Or that the pressure

inside of my porcelain head

Won’t come out to harm you

Sweet dance like footsteps you tread

Maybe this poem means nothing

Maybe I’m pushing this...something

Am I making up how I want us to be

Is wanting you near more than pure fantasy

You seem like the sun shining off of your face

Every sweet gesture filled with your grace

I would give you my heart

My eyes

Green as the sea

So maybe this is a blessing believed

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Friend

Hello friend

or whatever you are

you seem like a friend

for I know you’re never far

I keep you with me

beside me

always in my pocket

You keep all of my attention

Isn’t that the intention?

to keep me here

til old and gray

I become but stay

I will keep you close

though you wither me

Is it what I chose?

Or is my mind playing tricks

No matter

I sit

and stir

No matter

You exist to keep me entertained

like the pitter pat of falling rain

You take me

All of me

Until the light turns dark

Hello friend

That’s what you are

When I’m in pain

you take me far

throw my focus

keep me like a toddler

show me things set afire

You are such a coddler

You are warm and inviting

but now I am finding

get too close

for too long

the numbness turns to burn

ashes I fall

a wasted life

Friend, you have taken me

stolen me

Never asking

Never listening to my plead

Selfish

Arrogant

Prick

Entitlement

Once a friend

a friend you were once

someone I trusted

Now say goodbye.

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

In here

I sit alone among my thoughts

alone, I’m in a room

the light is dim but worry not

since you are always here

Old friend I would console you

were you here today

though the lonely in my eye does dwindle

you’re still too far away

I sit with silence streaming in

a moonbeam which I cherish

A fool am I to desert you

I fear that you may perish

I sit among the books

ignoring the dirty pointed looks

I think

I wait

I weigh the air in my hands

feeling each millisecond as grains of sand

I shrink

I weigh

an ounce

a pound

The heavy lift of my chest

rising as though made with yeast

the air expands, a hot air balloon

I drift away to follow you East.

I will capture you with a net

and mount you yet

next to your kin on my wall

every thought a butterfly to be

sealed away from wind and sea

Know I will protect you

I will hold you near

I will make you something more

Something greater than you can imagine

I will make you into a kite to

carry us off towards the moon

Once I’m there, I will take good care

and away I go, to return to you soon

My brave idea.

My marvelous invention

My aspiring intention.

I love you.

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Ballad of a Cutter

I know you’re there in one of my boxes

You call to me sweetly filled up with fowl toxins

You miss my soft hand

I miss your cold steel

I miss the way you could

dig in your heels

I miss the chaos

I miss the release

you miss the bitter

sound of my grief

you only tortured, tried your best to hurt me

I kicked up my boots, wished for you to desert me

your delicate caress met with beaded black dots

relieving inside, my most frightening thoughts

I felt the sting, I felt the numb

You saw me a babe, sucking my thumb

You fed me lies from the palm of your hand

broke both of my legs so that I couldn’t stand

I crawled far away from the claws of your grasp

You drew me back in with nostalgia, days past

you wiped the tears off of my face

to replace them with blood

and a sore dried up throat. 

Gone was my voice

when I needed to scream,

driving you deeper and watching the stream

“Please don’t do it” all my friends cried

But I couldn’t hear through the noise made inside

Shrieks of despair echoed like layered silhouettes

A ruckus of mistrust and a thousand regrets

How did I leave your sweet soothing plea?

How did I figure I needed to flee?

I put you away

where you stay

to this day

somewhere in a box

while I try to detox

you hold the secrets, the words left inside

you were the pen of my failed suicide. 

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Buried

I started out

a tiny seed

with not much want

and so much need

You nurtured me

how you felt was right

by keeping me

locked up tight

When one day

you tossed me out

expected I’d

find softened ground

but in the woods

I couldn’t grow

in constant fear

friend or foe

when at last

I spread my leaves

I was too young

and too naive

I opened up

so vulnerable

to the winds

and animals

Kept from crawling

until one day

I find me falling

while trying to fly

You were too safe

overprotective

My confidence,

my main objective

without training

when I was young

manipulated

by twisted tongues

smaller demons

which I could handle

back before,

now I can’t handle

No, I can’t handle

the dogs of Hell

Nor the voice

to run and tell

Had you planted

me at the start

you may have seen

a stronger heart

a thicker trunk

when storms grew thick

and sharper eyes

to spot those tricks

Instead, you kept

me in a cage

tightly bound

filled with rage

because bullies

teach you to behave

but parents teach

that Jesus saves,

to depend on gods

that don’t exist

cringy ideology

I must resist.

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

Parody of Unsent (originally by Alanis Morissette)

Dear Matthew I liked you a lot until I realized you were in a relationship With someone else but I respected That I would like you to know that if you're ever tired Of Chicago and you want to come visit me in Florida I would be open to spending time with you and finding Out how old we were when we both found out we were gay

Dear Breanne I liked you too much I used to be attracted to girls Who would lie to me and use me solely to better themselves and you Were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say The more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of 2013 Your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

Dear Ava I love you muchly you were nothing But open hearted and emotionally available and supportive And nurturing and constantly there for me I kept drawing you in And pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to have you fall asleep In my arms and cry in front of you for the first time you Were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what Was wrong with me

Dear Emily you rocked my world you had a charismatic way About sharing your opinions you got me Seriously thinking about fixing myself and you wouldn't let me get away With kicking my own ass but I still never really felt relaxed and took too many wrong turns though and that stopped us from going any further Than we did and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun

Dear Cassie we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time And I wish you understood that as you slept with me The long distance thing was the hardest and you did as well as you could We were together during a very tumultuous time In our lives I hope your girl will always have your back and stop being so damn controlling Hope you learned from your infidelity

[kaleidoscopeofpoems]

I thought that you were okay

with me being a dyke

But still, you refuse

to let me dress how I like

Still forced in the mold of

a binary girl

Under the guise that you’re

simply protecting me from the world

But today you gotta realize

you gotta recognize

that I’m not a kid anymore

You gotta realize

you gotta recognize

“lesbian” is in my core

So don’t tell me to not shave my curls

So don’t tell me to try and feminize

an aspect of myself

when I change another to be masculine

If people don’t know I’m girl, I don’t care

all that matters to me is I’m me

Don’t tell me that I shouldn’t change

Baby, change is inevitable

I’m just gonna keep getting older

Yeah, I’m not getting younger

and this how I wanna be in my prime

I’m sorry I’m not who you want me to be

I’m sorry I crave her touch

sorry I caved and touched

Am I really sorry?

I think not.

I’m gay as fuck

and I won’t apologize

I’m not sorry if this face

isn’t one you’ll recognize

but this is my life

and these are my choices

I won’t let my desires be drowned

by unimportant voices.

You might pay for me

but you don’t own me

If I mess up, make mistakes

that’s on me, you aren’t responsible

And being gay and a success?

It’s not impossible.