eat blueberries and go bananas

...and save the planet...

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Fight for Life

http://www.cancerfonden.se/sv/Stod-oss/insamlingar/?collection=6918

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Fix you

This is not about telling everyone and anyone about personal stuff. It’s about venting. It’s about making room for things I have to know and learn alongside the fears and thoughts that keep on taking up more and more space in what feels like an ever more claustrophobic mind. Because I need to make room for the new things so that I can stay on track, somehow pass this exam and make sure that I finish school as fast as I possibly can so that I know that I’ve done everything to make it possible for my mom to see me graduate. For her, but selfishly for me too. Because I need her to see me be able to do something that she can be really proud of. Because I’ve lived for so long taking everything for granted, that my mom will be there when I graduate, when I get engaged, get married, have kids and everything, when the reality of it all is that nothing is certain. I have no control over this, I can’t fix anything, nothing I do will be enough, I feel powerless in the face of all of this, because I don’t know what will happen. All I can do, the only minuscule thing I can do is to try and save time by mashing into my head a load of info about things I, for the moment, don’t have the energy to care about so that I can come closer to graduating, to helping others, healing others, completely selfishly because I want and need my mom to see it. And I’m not a cynic, I constantly hope for the best, but I can’t live in a fairytale world, no matter how much I’d love that, and be oblivious to what’s going on. Because then I’ll miss out on things, and I’ll regret so much, and I need to be prepared, I need to crumble, fall, and break apart to be able to, as my grandfather put it, ‘get thicker skin’. I’m building a wall inside my mind to keep the fears out, the nightmares, but those walls crumble too often and I feel myself losing sleep, growing more exhausted, breaking, in the hopes that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That expression is good, but not completely true. At all. I’ve only seen and learnt that too well. I know too much, and though I hope with every fiber of my being, with every single breath, that I could help, that it will be alright, that it will be over and fixed, I also know that I can’t fix it, and that I can’t be sure that it is over. And it’s hard to put words to all of this without sounding negative and horrible, because I’m not, I try every day to see the positive side of things, but that requires keeping other things inside my head, gnawing at my thoughts and the energy reserves I have, and that’s why I need to vent. Part of what’s kept me afloat is the friends I have who are there, supporting, asking, caring about what I’m, but foremost about what my mom, is going through and I’m so grateful to have them, that they don’t just say that they’re there if I need them, but that they’re there whether or not I need them, because they realize that I’m so drained that I don’t have the energy to go that extra inch and ask for them to be here. They just are. And it feels stupid to say that I feel drained, when I know what my mom is going through, what I’ve seen first-hand, and how strong she is and how I feel so guilty for complaining about being tired, exhausted, when it is nothing by comparison to what she’s fighting through, and that I hate myself for even admitting how weak I am. No matter how hard I try, whatever I do is not enough, and no matter how hard I try to put words to how I feel, it’ll never come out right. This video, however, the dance and the lyrics, completely encapsulates how I feel. It’s worth taking a look. And I'll try to get some sleep. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=xnguqsMQmg4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxnguqsMQmg4

[kaleidoscopicirony]

What do you do?

What do you do when you want to talk to someone, but you're scared of saying the wrong thing? What do you do when you want to tell that person everything, but is afraid it might scare him off? What do you do when you know how you feel, but not how he feels, and is scared that any chance of him feeling the same way will disappear if you come on too strong, but not saying enough won't even give you the chance of what is already there to evolve into something more?

[kaleidoscopicirony]

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground Get up now, get up, get up now.

from On Top Of The World by Imagine Dragons

[kaleidoscopicirony]

A cup of tea with Mrs Potts and eating grapes from Moominpappa's hat. I'm not crazy at all.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Best Dog Ever

Fick höra detta igår när jag kom hem från föreläsningar:

Mamma har ryggskott/alt. "höftskott" och kan ej böja sig ner för att plocka upp en galge som hamnat under en stol i hallen. Mamma till Mocksie: "Mocksie, hämta galgen! ... Hämta galgen!" Mocksie förstår inte detta. Mamma försöker några gånger till.

Shamrock ligger i hundsängen i vardagsrummet. Mamma hör en ljudlig suck, och tassar som hoppar ner från sängen. Shamrock går till stolen, kryper ner på mage, skrapar med tassen, drar ut galgen med munnen, och räcker upp den till Mamma. Och går tillbaka och lägger sig igen.

Jag = Stolt. Matte.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

In The Land of Bee

When I found my own country, form my own government, set my own laws and declare my own religion, I am going to make it awesome, from the A to the WE to the SO to the ME. 

And in my Beeble, the commandments (for it is in religion-stuff that one talks of commandments, no?) will be in the form of quotes from great literary works written by Dr. Seuss, Tove Jansson and A. A. Milne. 

Praise the Holy Cow because I am going to mooo-ve on with all of this. At some point. Some time. Somewhere.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

The Conundrum of Crazy vs. Classical Fairytales

We grow up watching Disney-movies and hence we watch, see, like, idolize, and are intrigued by the widely known (and-worshipped-by-little-girls) Disney Princesses. The truth of the matter is, however, that these on-a-pedestal-placed-princesses are not exactly the pristine role models that they may be thought out to be. I mean, I still love Disney and  I love the fairytales, but dude, the messages that these characters send out are a bit messed up. Or at least the earliest adaptations Disney made of classical fairytales. Mulan and Jasmine are pretty badass and independent, as well as Pocahontas, but some of the others have some catching up to do. Let me break it down for you in terms of what these princesses might say if they simultaneously continued on their way with a more realistic perspective added to their actions.

Snow White "Oh, wow, a cabin in the middle of the woods! I know what I'll do! I'll break in, clean the heck out of someone else's home whilst enlisting the help of and speaking to animals and then I'll have the audacity to crash on the owners' beds! AND I'll think that it is COMPLETELY normal. Crazy-person? Me!? Noooo." So go on kids, become crashers!

Cinderella "No, I don't mind, I'll just let these people walk all over me, those who are supposed to be my family, work my ass off until I collapse, and be perfectly comfortable living with and surrounding myself with mice a friends." So kids, become pushovers and befriend disease-bearing rodents! No worries.

Belle "Yeah, I'm gong to be all noble and take my dads place as a captive in a castle in the middle of the forest really far away from everyone else and stay there for the rest of my life and not go an get help from someone who might be able to get the both of us out of this mess, and then I'll develop the Stockholm-syndrome in relation to my captor, but still continue calling him Beast EVEN though he turned back into a human being." So kids, don't call the cops if you have a chance when kidnapped, just settle down in the dungeon.

Sleeping Beauty "Well I'm going to take a walk out into the woods, start talking to my only friends (the animals since I've been kept from all sorts of social life for my own safety), dance with an owl, before being completely content dancing with a complete stranger who grabs hold of me after having observed, spied on if you will, me for a while, and let's him persuade me to meet up again and invites-ish himself to my house, even though I don't know the dude's name! Sure!" Kids, go and get hitched to a stranger you meet in the woods.

Ariel "So, I saw this statue of a guy, fell in love with it, saw the real dude and obviously assumed he'd be just as perfect as the model made of stone, decided that this non-verbal encounter is enough to run away from home, find the most vindictive and corrupt bitch in the sea, sign a binding contract without reading the fine print and leave my entire life and family (as a minor I might add) for a life in an unknown place, hopefully with a guy I don't even know and has never talked to, and you know, never ever will talk to since I'm now mute, unless I force a kiss with the stranger-guy." How's that for emancipation kids?

Yup.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”

Dr. Seuss may have said the above, but I'd like to alter it a bit: instead of "telescope", I'd like for it to say "kaleidoscope". Because A) I love that word, and B) it makes more sense to me. It shows you all facets and mosaics of imagination whilst a telescope only reveals fantasy at an obscure close-up.

I love imagination. I love fantasy. I love dreams.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Things never really turn out the way you thought they would, but that's not always a bad thing, and life would be a lot more boring if they always did.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Structure vs. Sanity

I don't want to be the girl that complains and pities herself, asking for people to feel sorry for her in order for everyone to cut her some slack, but you know what? Now, all I want is to have some "go-with-the-flow-mojo", because I'm stuck and lost and everything is moving around me, except for me. 

I love structure. And I hate it. I need it. I want it. But I'm scared of it. 

I was structured to the point of perfection. I was able to please everyone, did everything right and I satisfied a part of myself in a self-destructive way that took over, ate away at the true parts of myself, giving them up, expelling them deep into a place where I was scared I would never find them again. But I did find them. Yet the sickly disciplined structure that simultaneously handed me great achievements and took over my sanity, still scares me. And I think it is because that structure was within me, made up by me. 

Now, I have my sanity. And I need some sort of structure. I will never return to what I was and what I never wanted to be. But I just need for the world around me to give me that structure in order to have the energy to do what I want. I need some flow. I just need for a few things to go my way. No more illnesses, no more sick relatives, pets, or fights, pressures, guilt-trips and unwanted and not-asked-for responsibilities to keep track of at the same time. 

Just a little bit of flow and structure.

That's what I need.

And a big hug.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Save the Red Pandas! Their species is endangered and their numbers are diminishing. Spread the word!

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Banana Pancakes

"But just maybe, laka ukulele Mommy made a baby Really don't mind the breakfast 'cause you're my little lady Lady, lady, love me 'cause I love to lay here lazy We could close the curtains Pretend like there's no world outside And we could pretend it all the time Can't you see that it's just raining? Ain't no need to go outside"

[kaleidoscopicirony]

I am alive. Just not kickin' quite yet.

[kaleidoscopicirony]

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Dr. Seuss

[kaleidoscopicirony]

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Winston Churchill

[kaleidoscopicirony]

I no longer eat fish.

That’s right. I have principles and I intend to maintain these principles by turning what I think and believe into actions so that it permeates everything I do.

Drift nets are used for fishing all over the world, in various capacities, but all the same, they cause almost...

[kaleidoscopicirony]

Not having eaten fish feels great. Booyah.