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every long lost dream led me to where you are; others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars | sidney crosby

Word count: 12.6k

Author’s note: I’m not great with timeline accuracy, so let’s just pretend it all makes sense and happens logically. i also have not written an OC in a looooong time so I'm a bit rusty on that front lol. Otherwise, enjoy 😂 thank you to lau and crys for moral support and proofreading, and to sarah for being my nova scotian consultant on this one xoxo

TW: implied infidelity, angsty AF, some cursing sprinkled throughout, mentions of panic attacks and anxiety.

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Elizabeth Murphy was a responsible human being. She thrived on routine, spreadsheets, colour-coding and calendar coordination. Ellie was an eldest daughter through and through. Any problem, she’d help you try and solve it. “Here if you need me” was in her top 10 daily phrases. She was unflappable, uncompromising and perhaps slightly uptight. Which is why the fact that a news notification on her phone had sent her heart racing was somewhat confusing and definitely not ideal for 2pm on a Thursday.

BREAKING: PENGUINS OUT OF STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS, LOSE SERIES 4-2 TO FLYERS IN THE BATTLE OF PENNSYLVANIA - WILL THIS BE CROSBY’S FINAL SEASON AS CAPTAIN?

Ellie blinked, hard, then unlocked her phone to read the article more closely. Seeing Sidney’s face below the headline sent a zap through her chest and down her spine. It was odd, reading the details of the loss like Sidney was a stranger. But in a way, he truly had become one, Ellie thought to herself.

Growing up, they’d felt inseparable. Trina Crosby lived a few streets over and had known Ellie’s mother since high school. They’d gotten married at a similar time, and had kids at similar times, and managed to weave lives together based on their friendship. That meant that wherever Sidney went, Ellie was never far behind. Even when hockey took Sidney further and further away, first to boarding school, then to the junior leagues and the QMJHL championship, Ellie was only ever a phone call away. Someone Sidney could depend on to talk him out of a mood or ponder the anxieties and achievements of life, to be his biggest cheerleader and his voice of reason. But then Sidney was drafted by Pittsburgh, and suddenly he was in a different country, and it felt like he was becoming a different person, all while Ellie was doing the same old same old. Well, at least, that was what Ellie told herself. In reality, she was hustling through college, wrangling internships and student politics, lining up a job after graduation and trying her best to keep her personal life afloat. But in comparison to a glamorous professional hockey career on the other side of the country, Ellie felt miles behind and like her friendship with Sidney was a distant memory. She still heard tidbits about him from her mom and Trina, or the occasional social media exchange with Sidney’s sister Taylor, but it always made her feel like the gap was widening, not closing.

With this news, however, the geographical gap was certainly closing up. Sidney always came home, every summer, without fail. Ellie never moved more than a few hours’ away from her family, because she always wanted to be nearby in case someone needed her help with something. After graduation, Ellie moved around quite a bit, employed by local councils to revitalise their network of local libraries. It wasn’t as hectic as living in the city, but it had enough going for it that it felt more engaging than where she’d grown up in Cole Harbour. She had, however, become an expert in avoiding home during the summertimes, but a shifting family dynamic and the winding down of her work summer programs meant that this time around, it might not work out in Ellie’s favour. The likelihood of her and Sidney crossing paths was probably highly unlikely, but not impossible, especially with the warmth of summertime memories past calling her closer to home. It was the flicker of possibility that sent another zap through Ellie’s chest. Over the years, Ellie had unintentionally become a Sidney- dodging expert. He was usually absent from family holiday celebrations due to his NHL schedule, but if they ever were due to be at the same event, Ellie somehow managed to always leave before Sidney got there or arrive after he’d already left. It became a running joke between their mothers, but the more and more it happened, Ellie decided it was a sign from the universe that seeing Sidney was something that simply wasn’t meant to be. Their siblings still caught up often, though, and their moms saw each other every week and spoke almost daily. Somewhere behind Ellie, an office phone rang, and she jumped a little bit before centering herself.

“Get a grip, Elizabeth. Get a fucking grip.” Ellie muttered, shoving her phone back into her pocket and clicking back into her work computer. She had some deadlines coming up that were much more necessary to focus on, rather than the small chance she might run into Sidney after all this time.

Ellie was trying her best to focus on colour coding her latest project management plan when her phone buzzed in her pocket, over and over again. Ellie raised her wrist and glanced through the message notifications on her watch, her eyes widening once she realised what was happening.

NEW MESSAGE GROUP CREATED

NEW MESSAGE - TAYLOR CROSBY

So, who’s around this summer? Mom’s 60th is coming up so we want the whole gang together. Lmk your thoughts ASAP!!

NEW MESSAGE - MATILDA MURPHY

Only if there is a dessert table involved AND I get to make the playlist

That got an eye roll from Ellie. Matilda was her parents’ surprise baby, born when Ellie was 15, and the age gap was sometimes glaringly obvious.

NEW MESSAGE - TIM MURPHY

Currently trying to wrangle the PTO and the kids’ vacation activities schedule, but give us a date ASAP and we’ll make it work!!

Tim was the middle sibling, but he’d settled down first. Married his high school sweetheart, moved to suburbia, and now had two kids in elementary school. Although Tim and Ellie were only a few years apart, they were never close. Their teenage years were kind of tumultuous, and it drove them further apart rather than bringing them closer together. They loved each other, of course, but Ellie didn’t really feel like she truly knew her brother that well, especially these days.

NEW MESSAGE - SIDNEY CROSBY

👍

Ellie opened her phone then and properly scrolled through the group chat. Her fingers hovered over the keyboard for what felt like an eternity, typing and then deleting, typing and then deleting, before she finally settled on a response.

NEW MESSAGE - ELLIE MURPHY

I’ve been seconded to the Dartmouth Community Library this summer, so I’ll be around. Let me know if there’s any party planning I can help with!

Ellie pocketed her phone and tried to put the conversation to the back of her mind. There was plenty of work to keep her busy, but beyond that, her life was somewhat… empty. There’d been a break up the year prior with someone she thought was the one that she was avoiding truly dealing with. Matilda’s wild streak that lasted a few months and almost got her kicked out of college until Ellie stepped in and got her back on track. Then there was her parents’... situation. All things in Ellie’s orbit that she felt an urge to deal with, but the only problems she actually worked on resolving were other people’s, not her own. That was her, through and through. No time for her own feelings. Those were scary and weird. Much easier to solve everyone else’s issues and keep the universe moving on. But now, Ellie was deep into her 30s (much closer to 40 than she’d like to admit) and she had this deep feeling that something was missing. Something for her own soul, no one else’s. It seemed silly to be having an existential crisis on a Thursday afternoon, but once Ellie began a spiral, she always found it hard to get out of it.

Another text message buzz brought her back to reality.

NEW MESSAGE - TAYLOR CROSBY

Hey El! So excited to hear you’re going to be around this summer. Would LOVE your organisational skills and design aesthetic to help with Mom’s party. When are you officially back in town?? Let me know if you’re free to catch up this weekend??

This felt much less scary. Party planning and a catch up with Taylor was something Ellie could handle. Especially this weekend, because surely Sidney wouldn’t be home from Pittsburgh that quickly.

NEW MESSAGE - ELLIE MURPHY

Hiya! Yep, I’ll be around - I’m packed and ready to relocate as of tomorrow afternoon. Breakfast Saturday morning and planning session after that? Happy for you to choose the venue xo

There were a few more messages back and forth around logistics, and Ellie found herself with a breakfast date with one of her oldest friends. The secondment to Dartmouth Community Library had brought mixed feelings; Ellie was excited at the opportunity to breathe new life into a place where she’d spent countless hours of her youth, but she was also hesitant to take such a forced, extended walk down memory lane. Especially now that the Crosbys, who Ellie had thought she would maybe run into at the supermarket or something minor like that, were seemingly going to have a very large presence in her orbit.

The next day and a half of work went by in a blur, and Ellie found herself feeling somewhat melancholy as she bid farewell to her colleagues. There was an underlying feeling that it wasn’t just her workplace she was saying goodbye to, but Ellie did what she did best: pushed the feelings away and focused on the logistics of the task in front of her. Her car was packed to the brim with her essentials, her apartment was being leased to a friend and there was nothing else left to organise. Ellie hit play on her 2026 Spotify playlist, and braced herself for the drive down some very familiar roads.

By some cruel twist of fate, Long Live was blasting through Ellie’s car stereo as she drove past the “Welcome To Cole Harbour” sign.

I said remember this moment

In the back of my mind

The time we stood with our shaking hands

The crowds in stands went wild

We were the kings and the queens

And they read off our names

The night you danced like you knew our lives

Would never be the same

You held your head like a hero

On a history book page

It was the end of a decade

But the start of an age

Ellie found herself humming along, trying to ignore the pang in her chest as she saw the sign.

Welcome to Cole Harbour

Home of Sidney Crosby

I said remember this feeling

I passed the pictures around

Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines

Wishing for right now

We are the kings and the queens

You traded your baseball cap for a crown

When they gave us our trophies

And we held them up for our town

And the cynics were outraged

Screaming, "This is absurd"

'Cause for a moment, a band of thieves

In ripped up jeans got to rule the world

Ellie’s grip on the steering wheel tightened as she navigated the familiar streets of Cole Harbour, towards her childhood home. She could tell from the cars in the driveway that her sister Matilda was here, along with her mother. Ellie found a parking spot on the street and pulled over, switching off the ignition and taking a deep breath. The song was still humming in her brain.

Will you take a moment?

Promise me this

That you'll stand by me forever

But if, God forbid, fate should step in

And force us into a goodbye

If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures

Please tell them my name

Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life with you

Suddenly, Ellie was brought back to earth by a shriek. Matilda was on the front porch, waving excitedly.

“Get over here, loser! Come give me a hug!”

Ellie shook herself a little, before getting out of the car and hurrying over to her sister. Their embrace was tight and warm, and Ellie felt herself feeling calmer by the second.

“I’m so excited you’re here, Elle Belle. It’s going to be the best summer ever!”

For all her flaws, you could always count on Matilda Murphy to bring enthusiasm to almost every situation. You got a new job? Matilda would throw you a celebratory brunch. You broke up with your shitty boyfriend? She’d have flowers and chocolate on your doorstep ASAP. You found a new skincare product that you loved? There’d be more emojis and exclamation marks than you’d ever seen in a text message before.

Ellie loved Matilda with all her heart, but her endless positivity was sometimes exhausting. But as Ellie tried to remind herself as Matilda pulled her through the front door, it was a blessing that Matilda was even here with her at all.

The house felt the same, but also somehow foreign. The furniture and decor had barely changed in the almost 20 years since Ellie had left home for college, and the smell was the same. Sandalwood, from the candle in the living room, and lavender from the dried arrangement on the hall table. There was also a hint of casserole coming from the kitchen. Ellie’s mother, Leanne, was waiting in the hallway, her arms open to welcome her eldest daughter home.

“Lizzie, come here and give your mother a hug!”

Another bone crushing embrace. Ellie felt comforted by her mother’s presence, but there was also a pang in her chest. The pang of being away too long. The pang of knowing she should tell her mom what she’d seen, what she knew. The pang of feeling like it was all going to come crashing down, and there was nothing Ellie could do to stop it.

Once again, Ellie pushed the feelings away, and followed her mom into the kitchen as they began chattering away about the recent Cole Harbour happenings. Matilda was working at a golf course for the summer, in between an online internship and her hectic social calendar. Tim and his wife were coming for a few days over the Canada day celebrations, which would line up with Trina Crosby’s 60th birthday celebrations. Ellie’s nephew had joined the school volleyball team, and her niece was loving being on the hockey team. Ellie’s father, John, had been travelling lots for work recently in his sales role, but having Matilda home (and now Ellie too) was going to help with the house feeling less empty, Leanne said, as she pottered around the kitchen, pulling the casserole from the oven and the vegetables from the microwave.

The three of them manoeuvred to the dining table, and Ellie felt herself more and more at ease as the night went on. Until Matilda got that mischievous look in her eye and fixed her older sister with a look.

“What, Til?” Ellie asked cautiously, already not liking wherever this was going. Don’t ask me about Sidney. For the love of all things holy, please do not -

“Have you heard from Sidney recently?” Matilda asked, raising one eyebrow. Leanne looked between her daughters, clearly intrigued.

Ellie rolled her lips together and held in a sigh.

“No. And I’m not expecting to. Why?” Ellie tried to keep the acid out of her tone, but it was always hard when it came to Sidney. No matter how hard she tried, Ellie never really got over how things ended. Or never even really began.

“Well, I mean, surely you’re going to see him this summer, especially if you’re helping Taylor with the party. Maybe it’d be good for you to reach out, clear the air, make sure everything’s sweet before you have to see him in person.”

“And maybe it’d be good if I didn’t have to do anything. I’m not the one who left. I’m not going to be the one to reach out.” Ellie bit back, staring into her bowl rather than meeting Matilda’s gaze. Leanne sighed deeply, and Ellie glanced up to see her mother looking concerned.

“We’ll be fine, Mom. No one is going to make a scene. I don’t think randomly reaching out after years of avoidance is going to make anything magically better.”

“It just makes me sad that you two used to be inseparable, and now you’re practically strangers. Trina and I used to talk about - “ Leanne began, a sad tone to her voice, before Ellie interjected.

“I know, Mom. Me and Sidney, married in the backyard where we used to play, a few kids around by now and still spending summers in Halifax in between the seasons in Pittsburgh. Happily ever after. It’s not my fault that the fairytale never came true.”

Ellie took a deep breath.

“And it’s not Sid’s fault either. It’s no one’s fault; life just didn’t happen the way we thought it would. We’re older now. We’ve moved on. I don’t need to sit down for a deep and meaningful conversation with him to make sure we can be in the same room for someone’s birthday. It will be fine. I promise.”

Matilda and Leanne both looked shocked at Ellie’s admission. She had avoided talking about Sidney for years. She’d avoided being within a ten kilometer radius, let alone in the same room. But Ellie could feel the walls closing in on her, and pushing the feelings further down wasn’t working like it usually would.

“All I’m saying is, tale as old as time. Childhood friends, separated for years and then reunited over the summer? It’s like a Hallmark movie.” Matilda had a teasing lilt to her voice, as she winked at Ellie who frowned.

“Well, I think you should both keep your hearts and minds open, girls. You never know what is around the corner. I met your father in the supermarket, after all.” Leanne was smiling at the memory, a story that Ellie had heard a million times.

“So, what can you tell me about the library? Have you been recently?” Ellie had no shame in sharply changing the subject. It was going to be a long summer, especially where the topic of Sidney and Ellie was concerned.

The conversation flowed from there, and Ellie excused herself upstairs to unpack once the dishes were done and Matilda had headed out to a friend’s house for the night. Ellie’s bedroom was relatively unchanged; her flowery bedding, posters on the walls, old jewellery and clutter on the dresser. Photos from her high school years and earlier childhood stuck on the mirror. None of Sidney, though. Those were all buried in a box in Ellie’s closet, just like how she’d been trying to bury her feelings.

Sleep came easily to Ellie that night. Maybe it was the comfort of the familiar surroundings, or maybe she was just exhausted from overthinking everything. Her alarm clock went off at 7:15am, and she scurried around the house getting ready to meet Taylor for breakfast at 8am.

No one else was awake, but Ellie noticed her dad’s car in the driveway when she was leaving. It should’ve made her happy to know he was home, but instead it made her feel uneasy.

The cafe was bustling with people and pets when Ellie arrived. She found Taylor easily, at a table in the courtyard that was basked in the early morning sunshine. Ellie felt nervous as she approached, but the nerves melted away when Taylor greeted her warmly with a tight hug.

“I’m so glad you’re here. It’s been too long! Mom was so excited to hear that you’re going to be around this summer to help us celebrate.”

“Well you know me, if there’s a chance for a colour coded spreadsheet, I’m here for it.” Ellie tried to banter back as she glanced over the menu.

They ordered coffees and breakfast, and the conversation flowed easily. Taylor was working in communications, but her boss was chill and happy for her to work remotely for the summer. Trina and Troy were enjoying travel in their retirement, but Trina wanted to be home in Cole Harbour for her birthday. The guest list wasn’t massive; family, neighbours, close friends, and the concept wasn’t crazy - Trina essentially wanted a birthday edition of the Crosby family Canada Day barbecue bash that was a standing memory of Ellie’s childhood.

“I think we could make it a little more polished, though, surely…” Ellie began, and Taylor gestured for her to continue.

“Like, can we get some nice florals for the tables? Maybe a photobooth? What about a display of photos from her life? Oh, and a memory book for people to sign?”

“I like the sound of that. What do you think about the food? Mom wants to keep it lowkey, but I feel like catering your own birthday party kind of defeats the purpose of it being celebratory and stress-free.”

“Well, we could do a combination. Like the dishes that only Trina and my mom make the best, they could make ahead and we set up on the day. Everything else could be catered, but like, delivered on the day and we serve it up kind of catered, if you get my drift? I can’t imagine we want too many random staff there on the day, especially if…” Ellie drifted off, not quite sure how to finish that sentence.

But this was Taylor, not a stranger. Taylor who held Ellie as she cried about Sidney getting drafted so far away. Taylor who listened to her rant about her frustrations of a fading friendship. Taylor, who was there for her first period, first boyfriend, first heartbreak and first mental breakdown. Ellie couldn’t bullshit Taylor, even if she tried. The only person who maybe knew her more deeply was Sid himself, once upon a time, but Ellie felt herself shiver at the thought.

“Especially if Sidney’s around? Yeah, you’re right. We want to keep it private. We could use Two Sisters catering, though? They’re local and we know them. It’s Sarena and Sophie from high school, do you remember them? I think they’d be great and wouldn’t mind if we asked them to keep it off social media or whatever. ”

“Oh, yes, of course. That would be perfect. Do you want me to reach out? I could organise a sit down with you and our moms early this week perhaps to get everything locked in. We’ve only got a few weeks to get everything sorted. Is there a budget?”

Taylor opened her mouth to reply, but she was interrupted by her phone vibrating on the table. Ellie glanced down and her mouth went dry when she saw Sidney’s name flash across the screen.

“Sorry, do you mind if I…”

“No, no, please, go for it.” Ellie suddenly became very interested in the contents of her coffee cup. Which was actually almost empty.

“Hey Sid!” Taylor greeted her brother warmly, and Ellie’s spine tingled when she heard Sidney’s voice at the other end of the line.

“I’m just here with Ellie, we’re figuring out some details for Mom’s birthday. Which makes this call excellent timing by the way - Ellie just asked if we had a budget. Do we have a budget?”

Ellie could hear Sidney’s laugh through the phone, and suddenly Taylor was putting the phone on speaker in between them.

“No budget, but tell Ellie not to go crazy. I do have a reputation to uphold.”

Hearing her name fall from Sidney’s lips after all these years made Ellie’s breath catch in her throat.

“Give us a ballpark, at least. You’re on speaker, bro.” Taylor continued, her eyes sparkling with delight.

“Well, it is a milestone birthday. But Mom wants to keep it lowkey, right?”

“Ellie thinks we can make it lowkey but fancy, right?” Taylor nodded encouragingly at Ellie, gesturing for her to join the conversation.

“I - I think we could get catering, florals, maybe rent some tables and chairs. Keep it lowkey backyard vibes but elevate the food and reduce the stress and running around, especially for the birthday girl. But I’ll make it happen with whatever budget you’re willing to give.”

“How about you two sort out whatever you like, and then just send me the invoices? I’ll get my assistant to make sure payment is all good. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to break the bank, but we want it to be nice, for Mom. After all, she’s done so much for us and we want her to feel celebrated.”

There was the Sidney Ellie knew. Practical, but generous, and a mama’s boy through and through. Family meant everything to him, and his love language was acts of service and quality time. Trina’s birthday party would have that in spades.

Ellie found herself unable to speak in response. Her mind was moving a million miles away, and her heart was trying to catch up. She’d just spoken to Sidney for the first time in years, and he was acting like it was a normal occurrence. Ellie simply nodded, and Taylor wrapped up the call with her brother who requested regular updates. Taylor placated him by saying she’d make a party planning group chat, separate to the other one with all the siblings, which Sidney agreed to.

Ellie was wringing her hands nervously when Taylor finished the call and looked over at her across the table.

“What’s wrong, Elle Belle?” Taylor asked gently, wrapping her hands around her own coffee mug.

Ellie tried to shrug it off, but Taylor fixed her with a stare that Ellie knew all too well. The “nice try, but try again” stare. The “don’t try to bullshit me” stare.

Ellie inhaled deeply, and forced herself to put her hands on the table.

“I don’t want to make things awkward. I want your mom to have a great birthday, and I want everyone to enjoy themselves. But I… I just don’t want to ruin it by being awkward as fuck over the one who got away or whatever you want to call it. We’re too old for this. I shouldn’t feel this way, I should’ve moved on, I should’ve… It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be almost forty and still avoiding him like this. I shouldn’t be stressing when he clearly isn’t. He’s moved on and doesn’t care. I just wish I could do the same.”

There was a beat of silence. Taylor’s eyebrows were raised as she took in Ellie’s rant, clearly pondering her response before opening her mouth to speak.

“I don’t think it will be surface-level awkward, El. You’re not going to ruin the birthday. You’re both adults, and as I just saw on the phone, you can be civil. Kind and familiar, even. The party will be fine, but - “ Taylor paused, choosing her next words carefully.

“But once the party is over, I don’t think you should brush it under the carpet like you usually would. Don’t avoid him. Sit down and have the conversation. If it’s awkward, then you go back to your professional Sidney avoidance that you’ve mastered over the years. If it’s not, then… well, who knows, but I hope either way it’ll bring you closure.”

Taylor reached over and clasped Ellie’s hand in her own.

“You are part of my family regardless of whatever my brother means to you, and you to him. Should have or shouldn’t have isn’t going to help you - sure, you’d prefer not feeling this way. It would be nice to know where you stood with him, after all these years, but don’t beat yourself up over should or shouldn’t. It’s not going to do anything but drive you crazy. Let’s get through the party first, and go from there. I’ve got your back, whatever road you go down.”

Ellie squeezed Taylor’s hand in response, unable to form words because she was trying really hard to not sniffle and let any tears fall. Taylor smiled back at her, and then the moment was interrupted by the waitress offering them the bill for breakfast because they needed the table.

Taylor picked up her phone to pay, waving off Ellie’s attempt to get her card out of her purse.

They both stood and left the cafe, another hug and a promise to keep in touch with the party plans as they bid each other farewell. Ellie wandered back to the car, Taylor’s words replaying in her mind. As Ellie paused to unlock her car, she glanced across the street and a flash of yellow caught her eye. It was a little girl, in a bright yellow Pittsburgh Penguins jersey. She ran ahead of her parents, and Ellie saw the 87 on her back. Ellie wasn’t superstitious, she didn’t believe in signs from the universe, but this certainly fucking felt like one.

“Get a grip, Elizabeth. Get a fucking grip.”

It felt like her mantra these days. If mantras were supposed to feel like a slap in the face.

Ellie spent the rest of the weekend pulling together party details. Tables and chairs were hired, a meeting with the caterers was scheduled for Thursday afternoon, she had three quotes for florals and a photobooth organised, all by Sunday morning. Text updates to Taylor and Sidney that were met with gratitude and enthusiasm (Taylor) and thumbs up emojis (Sidney). She’d already fallen into the domesticity of being back with her parents, helping with meals and watching crime shows with them after dinner was done. She’d even gone for a run on her old route through the neighborhood down to the waterfront on Sunday when the sun rose. Ellie had also managed to avoid being alone with her father for longer than a few minutes, which meant she had avoided addressing the elephant in the room. She could tell that her dad was itching to discuss it with her, but also to avoid her mother becoming aware of the situation. The whole thing made Ellie feel nauseous, and she was throwing herself into party planning and preparation for her new library project to avoid even thinking about it.

The chief librarian was the same little old (and slightly terrifying) lady that had been there when Ellie was a kid. Audrey was her name. Audrey’s family had lived in the area for generations, and she was fiercely protective of the Dartmouth Community Library and its programs. But the borrowing numbers were down, the facilities were less than fabulous, and the local council wasn’t confident that the operating costs were worth it anymore. Audrey wasn’t happy to have Ellie to begin with, but by the end of her first day on Monday, Ellie felt like she was coming around to the idea. Ellie had been able to explain her background of community-focused revamps, demonstrating the true value of libraries and keeping them open for generations to come. Audrey hadn’t cracked a smile yet, but she certainly seemed less grumpy by day’s end. Ellie started to really enjoy her days at the library, even when she was knee-deep in spreadsheets and financial documents. Thursday rolled around before she knew it, and Ellie was heading out early to meet with Taylor, Trina and her own mother about the catering options. As she came down the stairs from the offices into the main library area, Ellie saw a school tour group gathering near the front desk, and a familiar flash of yellow caught her eye. The little girl was bouncing on her heels, her hand thrust in the air as Audrey gave the school group a spiel she’d delivered hundreds of times before. Audrey called on her, clearly intrigued by whatever was such an urgent question.

“Did Sidney Crosby ever come to the library? Did he read books from here? Do you know which ones he read?” Her excitement was palpable as she rushed over her words. Audrey raised an eyebrow, and met Ellie’s gaze across the room.

“Sidney Crosby used to come here, yes. He and his best friend would get their summer reading list from the library every year when they were in elementary school. Then in high school, she would study here, and he’d come by and pick her up after hockey practice.” Audrey explained slowly, breaking her eye contact with Ellie to answer the girl’s question.

Ellie felt like she’d been punched in the chest. The memories clouded her vision. Sidney and Ellie racing from the car to the steps of the library, each one wanting to be the first to “win” the competition of finding all the books on the list. Then, years later, Sidney strolling in, sweaty from practice and plucking her headphones from her ears, telling Ellie it was time to let the books rest for the night so they could go home. She’d forgotten about it, somehow. In all her years of avoiding Sidney, she’d started to repress so many of the memories they had together, and now a question from a random 7 year old in her workplace had them all flooding back.

Audrey continued “And then, a few years ago, we had a bake sale fundraiser. Sidney sent banana bread, and cookies, and his mother also made a contribution as well. That helped us make enough to run the junior readers’ program for three whole summers. He hasn’t been in the actual building for a while, but Sidney has always been very generous in supporting us and the rest of the community.”

The little girl seemed awestruck by Audrey’s statement, like she was suddenly standing on hallowed ground. Audrey asked if anyone else had any questions, and when there were none, she led the group away from the desk and towards the picture book section.

Ellie stood there, blinking, for a moment. Suddenly, her phone alarm rang and she remembered where she was supposed to be headed. Ellie managed to put one foot in front of the other until she found herself in her car, and then somehow she was pulling into the Crosbys’ driveway.

Her mother was already there, sitting on the bench seat on the front porch. Trina was beside her, throwing her head back in laughter about something. Taylor was sitting in the armchair opposite, a glass of lemonade in her hand. Ellie hurried out of the car and up the steps, mumbling apologies about running late and a hectic day and whatever excuse she could think of that wasn’t “I got trapped in a memory lane horror movie and couldn’t get out”. Taylor and Leanne waved her off, and Trina stood up to pull Ellie into a hug.

“Welcome home, my girl. We’ve missed you.” Trina whispered into Ellie’s hair, and it tugged at her heartstrings. She had seen Trina here and there over the years, but her Sidney-avoidance skills had certainly cut into their quality time.

Ellie could only smile in reply as their conversation was cut short by the catering van pulling up in front of the house, and Sarena and Sophie got out. Taylor got up to greet them, and Trina ushered everyone into the kitchen for a conversation around the island bench.

Within a couple of hours, everything had been decided. Trina and Leanne had figured out the family dishes they wanted to make themselves, and Sophie and Sarena had locked in the menu of what they would provide and figured out the logistics of how they’d make it work in Trina’s kitchen. Taylor and Ellie had taken everyone into the backyard to explain their vision of the set up, and also through the house for the just in case of wet weather back up plan. By the time everyone was getting ready to leave, Ellie could tell that Trina was happy with how everything was coming together, and it made her eldest daughter people-pleasing complex bloom with contentment. Sophie and Sarena bid farewell and promised to email through a confirmation and contract within the next day or so, and Ellie was left in the kitchen with Taylor, and her mother, while Trina walked the caterers to the door.

“So, Taylor…” Leanne began, and Ellie found herself immediately suspicious of her mother’s tone.

“When is Sidney coming home for the summer? Is he staying long?” Leanne inquired, unable to stop the grin on her face. Taylor shot a look at Ellie briefly, unsure of where this was going.

“Um, I think he’s due back sometime next week, just before the party. Then he’ll stick around for two months or so to do his usual training thing, and head back to Pittsburgh for camp in September. It’ll be nice to have him around, for sure.”

“Oh, so he’ll be here for the party then? To help you and Ellie get everything organised? That’s so handy. We can always count on him to help out, it’s so sweet.” Leanne was smiling brightly by this point.

“I mean, it is, but it’s also bare minimum for him to come home and help us celebrate. Being Captain Canada doesn’t get you out of your own mother’s birthday.” Taylor deadpanned, trying to redirect the Sidney lovefest that Leanne was going for and that Taylor could tell had Ellie shrinking into herself.

“I think it’s just going to be so lovely to have everyone back together, like the good old days.” Trina interrupted as she wandered back into the kitchen.

All Ellie could do was force a smile and nod. The gap was closing. She felt like she and Sidney were two meteors hurtling through space towards each other, out of control and destined to collide. Maybe she was being dramatic, but it was true.

The four women exchanged hugs and farewells and promises to keep in touch, and Ellie headed back to drive herself home.

Just the party, Ellie thought to herself. Just get through the party and then you can hide from him the rest of the summer. Everything will be okay.

Don’t avoid him. Don’t sweep it under the carpet like you usually would.

Taylor’s words from their breakfast echoed through Ellie’s mind.

I hope either way it’ll bring you closure.

It was certainly going to bring something. Especially if Trina and Leanne had their way.

The party crept up quickly, and before Ellie knew it, it was three days away. Her inbox was overflowing with final confirmations, last minute RSVPs, and requests from Matilda (“The macarons on the dessert table should be pastels, NOT Pens colours!!! Duh!!!”). She’d won enough respect from Audrey to wrangle two days off beforehand, so today was her last day in the office before she’d launch into full blown party planner mode.

Ellie loved a party, especially one that she got to coordinate. Matilda had benefitted most from this, with every milestone birthday becoming an elaborate and detailed affair. Her parents, too, with their recent big wedding anniversary party. 40 years, they’d been married. Tim was never interested in Ellie’s party throwing skills until he got engaged; suddenly it was all hands on deck for Ellie to coordinate an engagement party, then the rehearsal dinner and the wedding recovery brunch. Then came the baby showers, and the family Easter extravaganzas (egg hunts included). Ellie loved making people happy, and throwing a party was an easy way to do that. It was also a fucking stressful and nighmarish way to do it, especially when you had lots of people to please, but Ellie liked to think she thrived under the pressure.

She finished her last meeting of the day with Audrey and the library technician and headed straight over to the Crosbys to meet Taylor. The tables and chairs should’ve been delivered this afternoon, and Ellie was keen to try setting them up in the backyard to see if what she had envisioned would actually work.

So that was where she was standing. In the backyard, surrounded by folding chairs and trestle tables. When the meteors collided.

The back door swung open, and Ellie turned around expecting to see Taylor bringing a box of fairy lights with her. Taylor was there, with the lights, but behind her was Sidney.

A black backwards cap on his head, with some hints of greying hair sticking out from underneath. Faded black t-shirt clinging to his arms, a hint of a gold chain peaking out from the neckline. Jeans that were surely custom made to fit those legs. A watch that Ellie could never fathom affording around his wrist. Ellie suddenly became very aware that she was blatantly checking him out, and brought her gaze up to Sidney’s face.

Tired, grey eyes that were sparkling with a sense of shock and then warmth at seeing Ellie for the first time in years. Those sharp cheekbones and strong jawline that used to be softer, back when he was her Sidney. A slightly crooked smile that shifted as he rolled his lips between his teeth. He was nervous. That was his tell when he was nervous, the lip thing.

Taylor strolled down the steps and into the yard, seemingly unaware of the awkwardness that Ellie felt was drowning her.

“Look who finally showed up to help!” Taylor teased, jerking her thumb over her shoulder towards her older brother. Sidney seemed to suddenly regain himself, following Taylor down the steps and resting the box of lights in his arms on a nearby table.

“Well, I did also pay for literally everything, Tay, so I don’t think it’s accurate to say - “ Sidney bantered back, poking his sister in the side gently.

“Yeah, yeah, we get it, you’re a bazillionaire. What else is new? Oh, I forgot the table runners in the car - be right back!” In a flash, Taylor was bounding back up the stairs and into the house, and Ellie found herself alone with Sidney Crosby for the first time in more than a decade. Almost two decades, if she really thought about it.

She must’ve looked like she was thinking too hard, because Sidney stepped towards her with concern in his face.

“Good to see you, Ellie. It’s been too long.”

“Some would say not long enough.” Ellie shot back, before she could stop herself. There was a moment of anguish that flashed across Sidney’s features, before he let out a chuckle.

“There she is. Always with the witty response. Alright, where do you want these lights?”

Sidney’s shoulder brushed Ellie’s as he followed her directions to the corner of the backyard. It was like receiving an electric shock. Ellie stumbled forward, thrown off by the sudden feeling, and then froze when Sidney reached out to steady her with his hands around her hips.

“Easy there, tiger. We’ve got a party to pull off and we don’t need any injuries, especially not for the boss.” Sidney murmured, locking eyes with Ellie as she regained her balance. Ellie opened her mouth to speak, but she found herself unable to find the words for everything that was running through her mind.

But then Taylor came bursting back into the backyard along with Trina and Troy, and the moment was gone.

Ellie worked almost wordlessly along Sidney and Taylor and everyone else over the next few days, getting everything set for Trina’s birthday celebration. She had to take a break to counsel Matilda over the phone over her latest situationship break up and workplace drama (thankfully, two separate incidents) and to help her parents set up their other guest rooms for Tim and his wife and kids, but other than that, Ellie was basically at the Crosbys day in day out. Sidney was in and out, helping with solving problems and making sure everything was paid for and ready to go. Taylor had taken to shooting suspicious looks in her brother’s direction, especially whenever he found a reason to be in the same room as Ellie.

The day of the party rolled around, and Ellie set off a few hours early to ensure everything was ready to go. Matilda was there too, ensuring her playlist made it onto the speakers and making a final inspection of the dessert table. Leanne and John, Ellie’s dad, would come later with Tim and his family. The caterers were working away in the kitchen, and Ellie was putting the final touches on the floral arrangements and the photo wall display.

It was the photos that got her right where it hurt. Taylor and Trina had picked them out, and Ellie was in charge of making sure the display looked perfect. It was in chronological order, the highlights of Trina’s life from childhood to present day. So many happy memories through several decades. But what struck Ellie was her own presence in them. There she was, a happy, smiling toddler alongside toddler Sidney at a beach somewhere. Both families together for countless Christmases and birthdays. Ellie’s senior prom, Sidney by her side in a tie that matched the colour of her dress. Sidney’s draft night, Ellie crushed against Sidney’s side with Taylor on the other, beaming at the camera. Both families in head to toe Pens gear (except Ellie who relented with a yellow sweater) outside PPG Paints Arena before a game. But then, Ellie was gone. She wasn’t in any more photos, except the very occasional group shot.

She’d never meant for it to happen this way. She never meant to pull away from everyone. She was just trying to protect herself from getting hurt. She didn’t know how to cope with Sidney slipping away, so she slipped away, too. She couldn’t deal with Sidney not loving her back, but she hadn’t meant to step so far away from her other loved ones along the way.

Ellie was trying to calm herself down and blink back the tears in her eyes when she heard people coming into the backyard. Her niece Alexandra bounded over to her, crushing Ellie in a hug around her waist. Matilda came too, looking at Ellie quizzically when she noticed her watery eyes, but Ellie waved off her concern and listened intently to Alex’s latest story about hockey practice.

The party went off without a hitch. Ellie and Sidney spent the night orbiting around each other without actually speaking. Any nerves Ellie had about the party were fading with each friendly familiar face from childhood that was so happy to see her and so keen to hear about what she had been up to. She was almost feeling relaxed when she was getting herself a drink from the bar, until she turned around and ran smack bang into a broad chest in a black button down.

Sidney.

His hands found her waist, yet again, steadying Ellie against his chest.

“We’ve got to stop colliding like this, El.” Sidney murmured, a hint of teasing in his voice.

Colliding. That’s what it felt like. Not purposeful, not organised, not planned, like Ellie liked things to be. Unexpected. Messy. All over the place. But Ellie didn’t want Sidney to let her go. Not this time. Literally or figuratively.

Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them again, meeting Sidney’s gaze. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could say anything, the background music suddenly changed while Matilda made an announcement standing on a chair.

“Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Two more songs and then we will be gathering for cake and speeches. I repeat, two more songs and then we will be gathering for cake AND speeches. Bring your forks and your tissues!”

Matilda clambered down off the chair and whipped out her phone to start the next song. Ellie felt Sidney’s hands twitch at her waist as the opening bars played out across the backyard.

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago

Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road

The last time Ellie had heard this song, with Sidney’s hands around her waist, came to her in vivid flashbacks.

Draft night. July 2005. Everyone else had gone to bed. They were on the balcony of the hotel suite, looking up at the stars. The music floated up from a room below, and Sidney had joked that it felt like the big moment of a romantic comedy. He’d pulled Ellie into his embrace, swaying them around a makeshift dancefloor while he whispered sweet nothings and promises into her ear.

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Then he’d kissed her. It wasn’t the first time, or the last, that Sidney would press his lips to Ellie’s, but it was the time she remembered the most. Everything in that moment felt like it was going to be okay. Everything felt full of hope and excitement and love.

That every long-lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars

Ellie felt Sidney’s hands gently squeeze her waist again, and she suddenly became very aware of her surroundings.

Sidney right in front of her. Matilda across the backyard, an “I told you so” look triumphantly on her face. Taylor next to Matilda, an eyebrow raised and a look that said “are you okay or do you need rescuing?” across her features. Leanne and her hand to her mouth to stifle the happy gasp when she noticed Sidney and Ellie in such close proximity after all this time. Trina and her hand grasping Troy’s arm when she noticed the same, a warm smile across her face. John raising his glass towards them in acknowledgement and some sort of celebration. It felt like they were onstage at an awards ceremony, or the drawcard exhibit at a zoo.

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

Then the panic set in, and Ellie stepped back out of Sidney’s personal space. His hands dropped to his sides, like they’d been burned or zapped with an electric shock.

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Ellie turned on her heel and pushed past people on her way out of the backyard, muttering something about needing to use the bathroom. She didn’t dare look back, but she could feel everyone watching her. She could feel Sidney watching her.

After a firm pep talk and washing her hands about five times, Ellie emerged from the bathroom just in time for the speeches and cake. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house as Troy, Taylor and Sidney took it in turns to talk about how much they loved Trina and everything she stood for, everything she had done to make their family as loving and wonderful as it could be. Leanne then stood up, recounting memories of their teenage shenanigans, before tearfully expressing her gratitude to Trina for her support in motherhood and everything else life brought their way. Ellie tried to blend in with the crowd, but Sidney found her anyway. This time his gaze wasn’t gentle, it was piercing, and Ellie felt a shiver run down her spine.

The speeches were well received, as was the cake and desserts table (Matilda’s highlight, as she kept telling people) and the crowd of guests began to say their farewells and head home for the night. Ellie could tell by the look on Trina’s face that the party had been a success, and it warmed her heart. Ellie busied herself clearing tables and folding up chairs before Trina called out to her to stop and join everyone in the kitchen for a nightcap.

Everyone was Trina, Troy, Taylor and Sidney. Leanne and Matilda were there too, along with John and Tim. Tim’s wife had headed home with the kids an hour or so ago, so they could have some semblance of a regular bedtime. When Ellie got inside, John was handing around glasses of whiskey; Ellie took one with no intention of drinking it. She never liked whiskey. Everyone was scattered around the kitchen; some were seated at the table, others were leaning against the island. Sidney was in the doorway to the hallway, and Ellie found herself gravitating towards him. Ellie opened her mouth to speak, but before she could get any words out, she was cut off by her father’s loud, booming voice.

“Well, isn’t this sweet for Trina’s birthday treat! Sid and Ellie, together again! Just like we always wanted. Isn’t that right, darling?” John nudged Leanne who was sat at the table next to him, and Ellie rolled her eyes at the broad smile on her mother’s face.

“Come on, Sid - “ John was growing in confidence now, gesturing wildly towards Ellie and Sidney. “Surely after all this time, I can convince you to get her down the aisle? She’s practically a spinster, and she’s not that high maintenance, not like old Leanne is -”

Ellie’s temper flared as she watched her mother shrink into herself at her father’s comments. She felt Sid stiffen beside her as he lifted his glass to his lips and sipped.

“I think we’re good, John. Ellie’s a grown woman who can get what she wants.”

But what I want is you, Sidney. The tiny voice in Ellie’s head whispered to her, but she pushed it away.

“She doesn’t know what she really wants, she’s a woman after all. You just have to give them your credit card and then they’re - “ John continued, sloshing the whiskey out of his glass with his flailing arms.

Ellie couldn’t help it. The words left her mouth before she could stop them.

“Then they’re what, Dad? Willing to overlook your indiscretions? Happy to play happy fucking families while you screw someone else?”

The silence that fell across the room was deafening. John’s glass slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor. Everyone was looking between Ellie and her father, trying to figure out what the actual fuck was happening.

Leanne’s head was in her hands. John was staring at her, stammering. Matilda rose in Ellie’s peripheral vision and slammed her hands on the table.

“What does she mean?”

No one said anything.

“What the fuck does she mean, Dad?”

Ellie crossed the kitchen, pushed open the back door hurriedly, and braced her hands on the railing that overlooked the Crosbys’ backyard. This could not be happening right now. This was not how it was supposed to go. She took a deep breath, and willed the tears that were building in her eyes not to fall. This was not how it was supposed to go. Ellie heard the door open behind her, but she didn’t turn to see who was coming outside to join her. She could sense it. From his footfalls, to his steady breathing, to the eerie but familiar sense of calm that flooded her senses as he got closer to her, Ellie knew it had to be Sidney. He was approaching her like she was some sort of wounded animal; gentle, soft, not wanting to spook her. Ellie pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth, trying to swallow the sobs that were trying to escape. This was not how it was supposed to go.

“Beth, I’m so sorry -” Sidney began, and Ellie whipped her head around at the nickname.

No one else ever called her that. Ellie, El, Elle Belle from everyone, Lizzie from her parents, but Beth? Ellie hadn’t been called Beth by anyone… except for Sidney. That was how he ended every phone call, and started every text message, back when they were on speaking terms. Now it felt foreign to hear the name fall so easily from his lips.

“What do you have to be sorry for?” Ellie managed to mumble, still refusing to meet Sidney’s eyes. She had decided to ignore the familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach, for now. He can’t just roll back in after all these years, pull out his pet name for her and expect everything to go back to the way it used to be.

“It didn’t need to happen that way. So… publicly. Painfully. I’m sorry that it happened in there, like that, tonight.”

“I should’ve done something to stop it. I knew… I mean I had a feeling about this months ago. I ran into Dad with… with her and he told me she was just a friend but I knew it wasn’t right and I should’ve asked more questions or done something to stop him from ruining our family like that but I just… I couldn’t. And now everyone’s devastated and they think I was helping keep his secret. The look on Matilda’s face, I just… I can’t go back in there. I need to go. I can’t stay, I can’t - I need to - “ Ellie was ranting now, and she pushed off the railing to start pacing as she ranted.

Sidney reached out and gently grasped Ellie’s shoulders.

“Beth, breathe. You’re okay. Breathe for me.” His tone was gentle, and so were his eyes when Ellie finally met his gaze. She reached up and touched his hands on her shoulders, trying desperately to ground herself out of the panic that was rising in her chest.

“Can we… Can you take me home? I can’t stay here.” Ellie’s voice was barely a whisper, but she was flooded with relief when Sidney simply nodded.

“I’ve got you. Do you need anything from inside?”

Ellie patted her dress pocket and found her phone, which meant that no, she didn’t need anything from inside the house. Except for the emotional anguish she was feeling to dissipate, but she knew that wasn’t going to happen tonight, inside or out.

“Let’s go then, the side gate still works for sneaking out like it used to back in ‘04.” Sidney strode down the back steps, his hand now firmly holding Ellie’s as he tugged her along with him. Silently, they slipped across the yard and out the side gate. Sidney’s car was on the street, and he opened the passenger door before rounding the car to the driver’s side. Ellie was fumbling with her seatbelt when the front door of the Crosby home opened, and Ellie’s father rushed down the front steps.

“Lizzie, please, I can explain, just hear me out - “ Ellie’s dad launched himself across the front lawn towards the car, but Sidney put himself in between them, a firm look on his face.

“Not now, John. You can talk to her tomorrow, if she wants to talk to you, but not now. We’re leaving.” His tone was cold, and it sent a shiver down Ellie’s spine. She watched as her father desperately tried to negotiate with Sidney, gesturing wildly and looking at her in the passenger seat, but Sid didn’t relent.

“Not now. Go back inside and deal with your mess. She’s not going to fix your problem for you.” Sidney squared his shoulders and fixed Ellie’s dad with a stare that said exactly what he was feeling. John Murphy sighed deeply, and cast one last look at Ellie as he trudged back up the stairs dejectedly. Once he was back inside and the front door closed, Sidney turned and got into the car.

He busied himself with his seatbelt and turned on the ignition, pressing play on the music station and adjusting the review mirror before backing out of the parking spot and manoeuvring down the street and away from his parents’ house. They made it to the first intersection before Sidney broke the silence that had settled between them.

“Are you sure you want to go home? I figure your dad might end up there, or at least try to, at some stage…” He trailed off, gripping the steering wheel and glancing at Ellie with concern in his eyes.

“Can you - “ Ellie turned her body in the passenger seat to face Sidney more easily. “Can we go to your house? I don’t think he’ll try to come there. Not tonight, at least… I hope not, anyway.”

When Sidney didn’t respond immediately, Ellie turned her body back to the dashboard and began wringing her hands together. Stupid idea, she thought. Sidney’s house was his sanctuary, and she hadn’t been there in years. He wouldn’t want her there now, with all of her emotional baggage and family drama and stuff. Sidney didn’t do drama. Sidney was disciplined, he was goals-oriented, he was… well, right now, he felt like the exact opposite of everything that Ellie was feeling.

Ellie was broken out of her spiralling thoughts by a soft squeeze of a hand on her knee.

“It’s okay, Beth. I’ve got you. Let me take you home.” Sidney used his other hand to flick on his turn signal, and silently began navigating the streets of Cole Harbour towards his own house. His hand didn’t shift from Ellie’s knee. Ellie let her own hand cover his, and she was soon comforted by Sidney’s thumb gently brushing across her hand in soothing circles. Ellie’s eyes felt heavy, and she felt herself drifting off to sleep.

“Beth, hey. Wake up, sweetheart.” Sidney’s soft whisper had Ellie blinking open her eyes what felt like moments later, but was clearly at least 30 minutes, because they were now parked in Sidney’s driveway. Sidney wasn’t in the driver’s seat, but on the other side of the car with the door propped open, leaning in to gently jostle Ellie awake.

Ellie took Sidney’s offered hand and climbed out of the car gingerly, her neck stiff from the impromptu nap sitting up. She dropped Sidney’s hand when she looked up at the house, taken aback by the sheer size of it. Sidney, to his credit, wasn’t fazed, and moved along the front path to unlock the front door.

“Get a grip, Elizabeth. Get a fucking grip.” Ellie muttered to herself, yet again, and forced herself to put one foot in front of the other until she reached the front door that Sidney had pushed open. She stepped inside, and was immediately met with a feeling of warmth. There was art on the walls, and a candle on the hall table, and cozy looking blankets draped over the couch in the living room. There were flowers in a vase on the dining table, and a radio somewhere was playing soft acoustic music.

“Taylor helped me decorate.” Sidney admitted, grinning sheepishly at Ellie.

“It’s… it’s lovely, Sid. Feels just like you. Like home.” Ellie spoke softly, still feeling nervous in her new surroundings. She stifled a yawn, as a deep tiredness seemed to settle in her bones.

“Let me show you the guest room. I’ll get you some clothes to sleep in, too.”

Ellie was suddenly very aware that she was still in her flowy floral dress from dinner, and despite it being comfortable at the start of the night’s events, it now suddenly felt itchy and suffocating. She followed Sidney upstairs, pausing at the guest room on the left. He leaned in and flicked on the light switch and said something about making herself at home, before disappearing down the hall to what Ellie assumed was his own bedroom.

She stepped into the guest room slowly, taking in the soft sage green bedding and running her fingers along the timber of the antique dresser. There was a framed photo on the bedside table, and when Ellie got a closer look, her breath caught in her throat. It was a photo from over thirty years ago, but she recognised it immediately. Little toddler Ellie and Sidney, no more than 3 years old, bundled up in snowsuits and ice skates on their feet, hands clasped together as they stood on the frozen pond. Ellie swore she could remember that day like it was yesterday. She reached out and picked up the photo frame, brushing her hand across the image tenderly.

“Those were the days, huh?” Sidney’s voice broke Ellie out of her fixation on the photo. She glanced up at him, a small smile on her lips.

“Feels like yesterday but also a different lifetime ago.” Ellie mumbled, placing the frame back on the bedside table.

“Here you go - “ Sidney stepped forward and handed Ellie a pile of clothes, which looked like an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts. “It’s nothing fancy, but you’ll survive. Your bathroom is through there -” Sidney waved his hand towards a door on the other side of the guest room, “And I’m right down the hall if you need anything else, okay?”

Ellie nodded, feeling the words of gratitude getting stuck in her throat yet again.

Sidney shuffled out of the room, gently closing the door behind him. Ellie went into the bathroom and splashed water on her face before changing into the clothes Sidney had brought her. The shorts were soft and comfortable, and roomy across her hips. The t-shirt had a faded Team Canada logo across the front, and Ellie smiled to herself. He knew she wouldn’t have liked wearing anything with a Penguins logo, even after all this time.

Ellie flicked off the lights in the bathroom and the bedroom, and tried to settle down under the covers, but her thoughts would not calm with her. She kept replaying the scenario over and over in her mind. The pure devastation on her mother’s face. The horror on her brother’s. The outrage on her sister’s. The desperation on her father’s. The gasp that had echoed through the room. The awkward silence, and then Trina and Taylor trying to smooth things over and move the conversation along, and then Matilda rising from the table and raising her voice, and then the chaos that ensued that left Ellie sprinting out onto the back deck. No matter what she tried, Ellie couldn’t get it out of her head. This was not how it was supposed to go. She tossed and turned for what felt like hours and soon enough the tears began to fall. With the tears then came the sobs, and suddenly Ellie felt herself struggling to breathe. Her fight or flight was kicking in, and she needed to get out. Out of this bed and out of the room and just out. Ellie ripped herself from under the covers and stumbled out of the bed. She managed to grasp the door handle and get the door open, tripping over her own feet into the hallway.

Breathe, Elizabeth. Just breathe. Her brain was trying to tell her to calm down, but her lungs couldn’t compute the instruction. Ellie was panicking, and she didn’t know what to do or where to go. Downstairs, to the kitchen? Maybe a drink of water would help?

But her feet did not move towards the stairs.

Instead, they took her the opposite direction down the hall, until she was in front of Sidney’s bedroom door. The sobs were louder now, her breath was shuddering, and she barely managed to raise a hand to knock amongst the panic she was feeling. It was mere seconds before the door opened, but in Ellie’s state, it felt like a lifetime.

There was Sidney. Bleary eyed and barefoot, grey shorts on his bottom half and otherwise shirtless.

Ellie tried to explain herself with words, but all she could do was sob. Sidney reached out and pulled Ellie into his embrace, pressing his chin against the top of her head and running his hands up and down her back soothingly.

“Beth, you’re safe, you’re okay. Nothing is going to hurt you.” Sidney was murmuring as he stepped backwards into the room, guiding Ellie with him to sit down on the bed.

“But I - “ Ellie hiccuped, desperately trying to calm her breathing and get some words out. “But I knew, Sid. I knew and I let it fester instead of trying to fix it. I always fix it.”

“Beth.” Sidney’s tone was firmer now, as he moved his hands to cup Ellie’s face and force her to meet his gaze.

“This is not your fault. If you want to try and help fix it tomorrow, I promise you, we will work through that, but it is not your fault. Breathe, baby. Breathe with me. You need to calm down. We can’t fix anything until you calm down.” Ellie’s spine tingled at Sidney’s words, but she closed her eyes and took the deepest breath she could. And then another, and another. In and out. In and out.

“That’s good, sweetheart. Just like that. You’re safe, you’re okay. Nice and deep breaths, just like that.”

When Ellie felt her breathing was approaching normal again, she opened her eyes. Sidney’s hands were still cupping her face, and she gently reached up to pull them down.

“Thank you.” She breathed out, still feeling shaky. Sidney hadn’t let go of Ellie’s hands. He leaned in wordlessly and pressed a soft kiss to her temple. Ellie felt a crackle of electricity in her chest at the contact of Sidney’s lips on her face.

“Make yourself comfortable, Beth.” Sidney stood up and pulled the covers back on the bed. Ellie must’ve looked confused, because he stepped closer and pulled her up to standing.

“We both know we’re going to sleep better next to each other. I’m not having you down the hall spiralling and not being able to breathe when I could have you right here next to me.” There was that firm but gentle matter-of-fact tone Ellie had heard a million times before throughout her life growing up with Sidney Crosby. He made it impossible to argue more often than not. So Ellie decided that she wouldn’t argue, and instead just silently stepped over the bed and climbed in, pulling the covers up around her body. Sidney paused momentarily, before climbing in beside her and leaning over to turn off the lamp on the bedside table. Ellie already felt calm, but a sense of peace washed over her when they were in darkness. She rolled over onto her side, and snuggled down into the pillow, willing her brain to join the calm that the rest of her body was feeling.

“You’re okay, Beth. You’re safe.” Sidney murmured, as Ellie became acutely aware of exactly how close their bodies were, especially as Sidney reached his arm over her hip and brought her body into his. He pressed yet another soft kiss, this time onto her shoulder, and Ellie felt the pull of sleep drawing her in as she settled into Sidney’s embrace.

The sunlight streaming in through the window woke Ellie from her slumber. She rolled over, thinking about how long it had been since she’d had such a restful night, and suddenly realised that she was alone in Sidney’s bed. It was still warm, though, so he couldn't have left her for long. Ellie sat up and stretched before padding towards the door. The smell of coffee hit her nostrils as she made it into the hallway and slowly moved downstairs.

Sidney turned as she entered the kitchen quietly, somehow sensing her presence. He was in the middle of pouring coffee into two cups, a plate of pastries nearby on the bench. His smile was gentle as he took in Ellie’s bed hair and her borrowed pyjamas. His heart fluttered at the sight of her in his clothes.

“I was going to bring this to you, sleepyhead. Sorry if I woke you up.” Sidney spoke softly, gesturing at the coffee and food.

“It’s okay, you didn’t wake me. Can we sit outside? I think I need the sunshine.” Ellie matched Sidney’s gentle tone, crossing the kitchen to grab the plate of pastries and head out towards the deck when Sidney nodded.

She put the plate on the table and settled into a lounger, the soft cushion was already warm from the sunshine that was streaming across the deck. Sidney followed, sitting down on the seat opposite Ellie and leaning over to hand her a mug of coffee that was gratefully accepted.

“How did you sleep?” Sidney asked between sips of coffee.

“Better than I have in a long time, to be honest.” Hours ago, Ellie would have baulked at the idea of even speaking with Sidney, let alone being honest with him, but now it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“That’s good. You had me worried there for a second, sweetheart. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what? How I’ve ruined my parents’ marriage because I couldn’t not let my dad get a rise out of me about being this old and unmarried? About how I’ve been avoiding you for literally years because I can’t move on from what you promised me over twenty years ago? How I’m a failure and a - a birthday party ruiner and a - a “

Sidney moved to sit beside Ellie, and set both of their coffee mugs down before grasping her hands.

“Beth. You’re okay. Breathe.”

Ellie sucked in a shuddering breath, trying to ground herself.

“Just talk to me. About anything you want. I’ve got time.” Sidney leaned back in the lounger, one arm around Ellie’s shoulders as he tugged her into his side and back with him, so their legs were tangled together and Ellie’s face was in Sidney’s chest. His hand was brushing soothing circles across her hip bone.

So she talked. About everything. All of her worries and anxieties over the years. How she felt when Sidney first moved to Pittsburgh, and how it felt when she realised he was slipping away and she didn’t feel like she could be honest with him and try to stop it. About the other boyfriends who had come and gone, because they could always tell that Ellie’s heart wasn’t in it. About running into her father and his mistress when she was in the city for a conference. About knowing the truth from the look in his eyes. About how she wanted nothing more over the years than to pick up the phone and call Sidney, in the tough moments, and in the happy moments, but she was too scared of rejection to ever hit the call button on his contact. How she spent most of her days at work surrounded by people but always felt alone on the inside. How she wanted to be there for her family, to keep everyone happy, but she always wondered when it would be her turn to be on the receiving end of that happiness and support.

It felt like Ellie spoke for hours, and Sidney just sat and listened to her and kept those soothing circles brushing across her hips. In reality, it was probably less than an hour, and Ellie’s ranting and raving was suddenly interrupted by the buzzing of her phone on the coffee table next to the pastries.

INCOMING CALL - MATILDA MURPHY

Ellie hesitated, and then immediately hated herself for the hesitation. Before she could reach over and answer, Sidney beat her to it.

“Hey Til, it’s Sidney. No, no, she’s fine, she’s just in the bathroom so I thought I’d answer. What’s up?” Sidney glanced sideways at Ellie as she could hear Matilda speaking a million miles a minute on the other end of the line.

“What happened? Which hospital are they taking him to?”

Ellie sat up straighter. Her eldest daughter senses were starting to bristle.

“Okay, yes, we’ll meet you there. Drive safe, Til. See you soon.” Sidney ended the call and slowly handed Ellie her phone, taking a deep breath before he met her worried eyes.

“Your dad went into cardiac arrest this morning. They’re taking him to the hospital now. Your mom wants you to come.”

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