I found that song that someone wrote for me along with thousands of pictures I never thought I’d see again. I wish I could go back to 21 year old Katie and hug her so tight. What a roller coaster of a life she’s going to live, and have to live through.
I found so many pictures of my sister and I, from my dads old computer, back from the days when we lived all together. So many burn cruises, so many nights smoking all our cigarettes and taking the dumbest pictures in our nicest pleather jackets. It’s crazy to look back on those pictures and see my younger self, I hated myself so much back then. I’ve always had that tendency, hate every little thing about myself at any given time but when I look back years later, that girl was so beautiful, and so happy. And I’d kill to have her hair again.
I’m so tired of missing the good days when they’re right in front of me. I’m so tired of taking this life for granted. I wish my sister was alive, I wish I could hold her again and tell her to take all selfies with my camera even though it’s mine, because it’s all I’ve got left of her. It feels like she’s dying all over again. I think it’s time to actually deal with her loss, instead of pushing it aside and smiling, I need to mourn my sister.
(Also this song is bringing back some significant feels, although it didn’t work out with the composer, I will never forget how much he helped me find me again. He helped get me on the road that led me to where I am now. I still think about him and I hope he’s off living the life I could never give him.)
