Midnight Coffee

This is mostly here for sleepless nights, thoughts that creep in refusing to leave, the most vulnerable parts of... me. twenty something years old, anonymous.

[infamouslyroggylives]

You’re here, back again

Flitting in the shadows

I can’t see you, I can’t hear you

But your presence is a magnet

A force I fight, I resist.

Until I’m armed to the teeth

I’m not letting the dark

Get the best of me

I’m not letting the light

Bedazzle me

One thing I’ve learnt

There ain’t no fair fight left

When the dance of the night

Summons old devils

[katesamone]

I hate that the death of someone who I shouldn’t have been with is still effecting me so horrendously that I’m constantly checking to make sure you’re breathing when you’re sleeping. I can’t hear you snoring so I’m putting my hand on your back to feel the steady rise and fall, the soft vibrations of your heavy breathing to know that you’ve not gone anywhere I can’t touch.

That now that you’ve fallen into a bout of depression, I’m constantly checking on you when you’re alone or out and about.

I ask you if you’re okay 10 times a day sometimes when you’re just tired, because the last time I asked a partner if they were okay, they weren’t. And then they were gone.

Because my brain is screaming at me because I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you like I lost him, I won’t get through it this time. You’ve become a part of me that I can’t let go, if the Adam and Eve bullshit is true I was made of your rib. I must protect your heart.

I will kiss whispers of stay into every part of your being, even if there’s no threat of you leaving, because we’re mortal and that means there’s always threat of you leaving.

And because I am human with trauma I’m living in constant fear of the unknown. Despite years of therapy I still can’t shake the fear of mortality.

And to think

I used to be so fucking naive.

[katesamone]

And every time I think of you

It’s crushed petals in my fists

Chewed bark, bit to bits

[as-deep-as-the-sea]

“I don’t want to be a burden” you’re more like a relief, a gift, a blessing actually

[katesamone]

I wish I could scrape you from my memory

[katesamone]

Evening thoughts

Everyone I’ve lost, has been cut from me painfully, overnight, and in a split second. And I wonder if they thought of me, in their final moments, did they think I’d be okay? Is it narcissistic of me to wonder?

You smooth your hand over my chest, over the part of my broken anatomy that hurts the most, and it warms. It finds comfort in your palms, and it springs to life, half in love and half in fear. If I choose to trust you, will you cradle it or take from it?

I choose to be brave, despite the fear that engulfs my body at the thought of giving myself to you, only for you to be cut from me too. It’s been 4 months and 7 days since our first date and I just want to cling to you. The anxiety that eats my bones wants me to keep my eyes on you and never let you out of sight. What if you fall? What if you walk out my door and never come back?

I don’t think I’d be okay this time, my heart has never beat this way for anyone else. My lungs have never wanted to breathe anything else in so badly as they do your breath. My hands have never wanted to caress anything so fervently as they do you.

My brain screams at you to stay, but it comes out in gestures. I cook for you to nourish your body, I kiss you to feed your soul, I caress your cheek to warm your smile, I make you laugh to charge your brain. But sometimes the screams come through in anxiety, clinginess, insecurities… and I’m so scared it’ll chase you away. Instead, you answer me in patience.

So when I kiss your body, I’m whispering my love through your pores. When I play with your hair, I’m smoothing calm through your scalp. When I tell you I love you, I’m giving you my heart.

Please keep trying to understand why I am the way I am, and I will work to keep healing the parts of my heart that are missing so I can eventually come to you whole.

[katesamone]

I picked flowers from your hair

You planted spring on my head mixed with miracle grow and watered me

When I grew up I wanted to be you

An established garden with petunias falling from my ears

Sunshine radiating from my eyes

And flowers in my hair to share with the world

But somewhere along the way you started planting nightshade

Corpse flower blooming from your mouth into my ears

I couldn’t bare the stench but every time I tried to nip you at the bud

You would grow another head

Plant more filth

Killing my spring

I realized you weren’t as established as I thought

Somewhere along the way, your sun burnt out and your blooms dried up.

So I removed you at the root from my garden,

And now I’m remembering how to flourish.

[surqrised]

“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

— Josephine Hart, Damage

[katesamone]

Everything I know of loving men is pain

Slowly you’re picking away at the trauma

Cauterizing my wounds with your mouth

Breathing in empathy and patience

Please be real

Please be real

Please be real

[katesamone]

Laying here alone under the stars on my ceiling

All the things you said you would do to me dance around the fire in my skull

Condensation from the heat burns my eyes

If I could lobotomize my brain and remove only you, I’d pick at it with a mallet and chisel

Until nothing of you remained.

Nothing of you chasing me around the front yard when we were kids trying to kiss me

Of you hugging me after graduation, your hand lingering a little too low for comfort

You telling me about your sex life

You admitting your fantasies about me

You calling me sister while listing the ways you would defile me

I’d scrape every. Last. Fucking. Bit.

Until it was only me.

Growing up.

Alone.

[katesamone]

I love you

When you said it, your voice was silk

And I clung onto it, clutched it close to my heart

My tears soaking into its fiber

And I realized I had never held anything more sacred

And it’s only just the starting material

For a project so eternal.

[reverieabound-deactivated202311]

One dimensional interest is so boring.

I want a love that breaks the fourth dimension.

[reverieabound-deactivated202311]

The cold nights eventually give way.

The feeling of profound loneliness eases.

Hope returns.

Light returns.

Because love can never disappear from the world

As long as one person still believes in it.

[katesamone]

We were lying in bed last night after having one of the best nights of our relationship (even though every time I see you we set a new bar for that) and you told me that if we’re together 10 years from now, you’ll tell me this is the night you fell in love with me. You told me you love me, but you’re not ready to say it casually yet. You told me you don’t want me feeling insecure because you feel so secure and sure. You left your soul bare to me and I cried. And I love you so much for how you make me feel. I love you so much for the home you give me in our relationship. I’ll wait until you’re ready but god I love you so much.

[katesamone]

I was so much easier to love before anyone ever told me I was difficult to love

And how I wish you could’ve met me then

[katesamone]

You’re in my bed and you sleep like a fucking banshee

But even still I never want to spend a night without you.

[katesamone]

I love you for every time you say my name, instead of calling me baby.

I love you for every little nudge and touch when we’re chilling with my friends

I love you for every time you open the car door for me, even if we’re just going to get snacks

I love you for every time you’ve listened to me fall apart

I love you for every time you’ve tried to glue me back together with laughter

I love you for every history lesson you give me because it feels like home, and I’ve missed home ever since my dad died.

I love you for every time you listen to me drone on about characters in my book that I’m far too attached to

I love you for the way you lay on me and let me tangle my fingers in your hair

I love you for letting me be my real self, my loudest self around you

I love you for talking just a little bit louder when I take my hearing aids out

I love you for wearing sweaters for me because you know they’re my favorite to cuddle

I love you for the warm feeling I get when we talk about a future together

I love you for the way you talk about your family

I love you for the way you prioritize your you time and your time with your friends

I love you for every date we go on

I love you for riding in the car and listening to my Sunday playlist with me

I love you for the way you look at me like I’m something sacred.

I love you for your love for horror movies

I love you for your stoner tendencies

I love you for your love of war hammer

I love you for the book you’re writing

I love you for liking Digable Planets and vibing to them with me

I love you for showing me new music I never thought to listen to

I love you for coming to my concert to support me and I love you for the fact that seeing me play made you want to be with me more

I love you for so many things already, and so many more to come. And I can’t wait to finally tell you, but until then I’ll just let it stay here. Maybe someday I’ll show you all of the little musings about you 💛