Kattlife

Probably mostly poems and dumb stuff

[katinkatt]

As a former Jax-style character, seeing people's negative reaction to Jax makes me kinda happy. Not for any malicious reason mind you, I think it means nature is healing. It means less people see the character and snap think "Oh, that was me, I'm in this episode", less people recognize that could've just as easily been them The more people dodge getting into their Jax era the better, because either it's years and years of struggle, unlearning and self examination to heal, or Well, the show shows you the or

[katinkatt]

Benches my fattest cat while looking you smugly

[maxxie-or-smth]

goddddd and i just UGH but also UGHHHHH and aughhhh.... oughhhhhhhhh...... ACK !!! and.... aghhhhhhhh. ughhhhh ! UGH !!!!! and i can't even because AGHHHHHHH. UGHHH

[katinkatt]

The difference between me and other people is that when I say "I can fix her" it's true.

[katinkatt]

Some people are born with the gene that makes soap taste like cilantro, they're divinely unblessed and can't participate in shower/snacktime in the same way normal people can

[katinkatt]

11. Guess I am the future I get

Even on the sunniest days, even though I'm always a little bit on fire I am surrounded by shadows Every Katinka that never was, lie in a circle around me Holding hands, a grip stronger than death itself a cage? a prison? a hug? I don't quite know what they want, but they're relentless

I cannot escape them, I run, I scream, I stare at the sun, I yell at them to leave me, they never do They've been with me for so long, they're only charred corpses now, smiling, eternally, with hollow sunken eyes, yet I can tell them apart

Each one a different Katinka with a dream, that never came true

Katinka who told her mother at four, she wanted to be a girl, and stuck with it

Katinka at 8 cried to her mom that god wouldn't make her a girl no matter how much she prayed

Katinka at 10 who found the magic and made her dreams true with the flick of a wand

Katinka at 12 who in a depressive state told the school nurse things was rough at home and she wanted to just be a girl

Katinka at 14, well into puberty, so sad and and dissociative that it got picked up by her parents and they got her a shrink who found out why she was in such pain

Katinka at 16 who got really drunk and confessed she wanted to be a girl to her friend, who told her about transitioning

Katinka at 18 who realized it wasn't healthy to force yourself to be something you're not and to read toxic self help guides

Katinka at 20 who was so depressed and isolated in Kongsberg she went to the doctor and then shrink who picked up on her wish to transition

Katinka at 24 who told her girlfriend she always dreamt of being a girl when she was young, at which time her girlfriend asked if she was trans

Katinka at 26 who realized she wasn't meant to be a man, so she started transition instead of thinking she was non binary

Katinka at 30 who got a trans colored cake and realized her fate then and there

And here I stand, In the middle, Katinka at 33 who is always a little bit on fire, With a body charred by time, wondering when she will burn out entirely

Sometimes I think about lying down beside them, just join hands and put on the same smile as them, content We're all Katinka here, what better place for me than amongst myself? I know they know we know, I get so sad when anyone leaves, even if i don't know them and still I feel like it would be preferable to leave myself, and still they won't let me They get so sad by the prospect of me joining Their smiles turn to frowns and the hollow sockets fill like cups as i try to pry their fingers apart so I may take their hands "There is a place for you yet, outside the circle and inside the world" they whisper

I don't believe them, "If there is a place for me, then why was there never a place for you all you also deserved the space, the understanding, the possibility to realize your dreams I'm not special, I don't necessarily need to be here for this"

But I am Wish we could change places But I guess it's up to me To put the fire out That claimed so many Katinkas before me

[katinkatt]

10. Idle hands at the psych ward

I made a bracelet, and everything I make is an allegory for me I fucked it up People will see it and focus on the positives A cute act of defiance Standing up and telling people who I am In a world that wants to tell me who I am And erase me

But I can only focus on what's wrong with it I tied the knot in the wrong place And now when I wear it, it just feels disheveled and unshapely I tried opening the knot, to fix my mistakes But it seems impossible Permanent

I realized the easiest way to fix it was to rip it open and start over But when you rip your life open You don't get to start over The beads all just leave a mess And you won't be there to clean it up

[katinkatt]

9. Let trans kids trans kids

When I was young, I heard about people who hurt themselves Taking a knife to their own skin And bothering others What a ridiculous notion, I was already hurting so much Why would I need more of that, I thought

As I grew older I started realizing what they were doing wasn't hurting themselves They too, like me were hurting And they were just writing their stories I got jealous that I never picked up a pen What a ridiculous notion, my handwriting was always terrible My story wouldn't even be readable, I thought

And It never was, my entire life a closed book To everyone who ever loved me If they loved me so much then why did they always close the book the instant I started reading aloud Maybe it was my voice they didn't like What a ridiculous notion, my singing has always been great But I guess no one ever listens too closely to the lyrics

I've always been smart, I've always been strong But not smart enough to figure out everyone else was wrong about me Not strong enough to stand against the hurricane of society Pushing me into a cage, how lucky to have a submissive pet What a ridiculous notion, the door wasn't even locked They'd say I was free to leave at any time

Leave? I heard about some people who decided to leave before it was time to leave And people were always so sad I wonder if they'd be sad if I left What a ridiculous notion, I've never been here to begin with How can you remember to miss something you've never felt, read, heard or seen

I'll remain, if for nothing else, to be a dusty old book If someone needs me I'll be lying in the corner And If you read me maybe you'll find out that it's not such a ridiculous notion To let people write their own stories, and to read them carefully Before the book closes permanently

[katinkatt]

8. When society holds your hand (hostage)

When I entered the world, I fell It didn't take long, I'm clumsy Barely able to stay myself Or not

I broke apart, and pieces scattered everywhere But I didn't get to pick me up I was just left there They pulled me by the hand To bring me along To show me their right, which was my wrong

"Let me hear your voice" they said too loud for me to speak "I need to go back" my voice was too meek So they had to protect me, from what? from me? They built me a shell I was not there It remained empty

With time I fell again, when I was finally free At least the clumsy parts remain, a memory of me

My prison lay scattered around, sharp edges uninviting and uninvited The world stretches into infinity before me And I take the first step back To find what I had lost

But when I got to the start line Almost no pieces remain I'm not glass I'm ice And I've melted for many years I take a hold of the rest of me and swear never to let go Tell me comforting words and the things I should know I don't know if one piece is enough to build an entire me But it's all that's left And the world is getting warmer

The past is as clear as ice if you open your eyes early enough and if you don't you drown

[katinkatt]

Cat fact #12414

For outside cats, the food bowl is a gacha game, and every time they go outside is another roll, that's why they wanna go out and in so much Inside cats might be trapped inside, but they are blessed with knowledge and free from gambling

[katinkatt]

7. Clearing the corner

Whenever I came to visit, you'd beam like the sun I'd clear the corner, make myself known and there you'd sit With the brightest smile Though I don't always have a lot of to say And I didn't always feel like i was able to share my thoughts You welcomed me every time, with enthusiasm, and love And In my mind, I thought there would always be an infinite loop of me clearing the corner, and you smiling I can see the loop, when I remember, overlayed, only a few pieces differ, every time The corner is always the same But your chair changes, the lighting, how much hair you had, but never your smile, sometimes you'd lean out from behind the light you used while knitting And you'd see me And you'd smile But nothing is infinite

When they called and said they feared you didn't have long left For us to hurry, so we could say goodbye I was scared, and I feared, I'd never see your bright smile again But I cleared the corner of the hospital room And you were beaming I felt my worries wash away, as if that smile was all the reassurance I needed, that things would work out

And for a month, I cleared the corner, and saw you smiling nurses holding your hands, talking to you, making sure you were comfortable We brought you things you wanted to eat, and things we wanted you to eat And you ate what you could, but a little less each time Your hugs never grew weaker, though you were thinner for each time we visited You held me so strongly, it felt like the hug started the last time I left you house, and continued all through your stay at the hospital and the hospice But maybe it started when I was born

When I got the call, that we needed to hurry again I expected to clear the corner, and see you smiling But you were sleeping, and I feared, I'd never see your smile again

I held your hand and cried, Through the sound of your labored breath Reassuring I was here, for you, as you've been there for me I listened to the sound of the rain, coming and going, for hours I'm glad it rained, because you loved the rain, and I'm glad the sun shone in-between As if to paint a realistic picture of life itself And on the backdrop of a sepia sky

You woke up and you saw me Squeezed my hand as tightly as one of your hugs and you smiled beaming

The shape you held in this world may be gone but your smile lives on in my mind, and in my heart forever

You said you'd beat cancer, one way or another, because it would go, when you went Congratulations on beating cancer, Mom, permanently this time. I love you.

[katinkatt]

5. Dreaming

When I fall asleep, and venture in the void Realms of endless possibilities, and things that never were I see her, me when I was born a girl A thin barrier separates us, Frail reality what a waste

As I wake, I realize, it is not I who dream of her It is she, having a nightmare of me What a terrible fate to endure, seeing rivers of tears and misery whenever you sleep

I press my forehead up against the glass wall, where she resides on the other side I will make it as thin as I can, with time I might never reach her hand But I will close the distance As much as possible So that she, can sleep without nightmares And I can wake without wishing for eternal dreams

[katinkatt]

4. The palm of another

A circle of people lost in the dark Hold hands and sing the same song they all know by heart

If they sang it for themselves They would never believe The message within Feels only true when recieved

They hold on for dear life because the life they hold is dear If not for their own sake then for the others here

The light that we give so that others may see how their light helps us be as bright as can be

[katinkatt]

3. Resolve and resolution

The floor of the well, is comfortable I guess, or atleast I'm used to it by now It's a bit dirty, and rough But ive been here for so long, I'm used to it by now

I don't know when I got here, have i always been here? I can't remember being anywhere else, or anyone else But it seems kind of lonely, kind of odd To be the only person to ever materialize at the bottom of a well With no father or mother, siblings or community All words and concepts I know, but that are meaningless down here Where there's just me, Im used to the thoughts by now I guess.

It's not that I havent tried to leave But the only protruding rocks in the walls, are all sharp Far apart, slippery, When I climbed the furthest I ever got I looked down, and fear gripped my heart I if I climb any higher and fall, that's it I slinked back down, and I lay on the comfortable floor Hands bleeding from the edges, nails broken from gripping uncertain holds It hurts, but I'm used to it by now

I lie here staring at the light at the top So far away, but when I reach out my hand, I can touch it Day changes to night, night changes to day I gave up counting when I had scratched a new mark beside the first I ever made Time doesn't matter when nothing changes, and I'm used to it by now

A shimmer hits my eye

Unusual

It's like my chest dropped through the floor I've been here for so long I thought I had experienced every sensation From the damp cold floor, to the rough sharp walls And the one spot of light, to hold onto Something new? In the light, there's flickering, a single bright spot, in an already bright spot Shifting, dancing, moving in a way my eyes track however much I try to ignore it

I can't get used to this now.

Its never constant, moving, changing, racing from one side of the light to the other why wont it stop? Fall still like the rest of my surroundings?

I thought i was mad before, lost, with only my thoughts to occupy me But this, it's infuriating I turn my head and stare at the floor Solace, silence for my racing mind, ease for my tired eyes Except The relfection enteres my field of view Crawling along the floor, taunting me, telling me nothing will ever be as it was

My hands ache It feels like I've been climbing for hours,

days

months

years

I've left the floor more times In the last month, than I have for the entire existence I can remember Staying, is no longer welcoming, no longer comfortable, I'm feeling how truly rough and cold this place is In full force, with every fall I've fallen several times from greater and greater heights but I get up Not immediatly mind you it hurts, I break, I lie there motionless Im used to it by now

But the light wont stop Flickering, dancing, taunting The safety of the floor is no longer reason to stay The pain is no longer reason not to climb The fear is no longer reason not to act

The protruding rocks are no longer sharp to the touch

My hands have ground them down, When I hold them, it's my hand I feel, imprinted What seemed like hostile and unchangeable, is now welcoming, soft

Familiar

I didn't even feel it happen I reached out my hand, and I gripped the light A small coin, fastened to the ends of a rope I couldnt pry it off, and it took all my strength to hold both it and me, without falling I grab the rope with both hands and climb If I can get to the top, I can pull it up and then the flickering will stop And suddenly I was outside

The sunlight is the harshest, warmest thing I have ever felt I would probably burn up, if it wasnt for the wind caressing my tired body Pushing me gently towards the tree Where a single rope is fastened

I breathe, I rest, I sleep, I wake. And I look around, I stroll for a bit, not far from the tree Shadow is important, familiar Multiple times I almost fall into a hole, Like the one I recently crawled out of I watch my step, I'm not going back

I hold the rope with the coin, but its no longer flickering No longer dancing, or taunting It seems so minor now, when this vast plane is available to me I walk over to the closest hole that was wasn't mine And I drop the rope with the coin And leave

I'm used to leaving things behind by now

[katinkatt]

2. Reflective surface

My mind is a huge mess It wasn't always like this When I was young, it was so easy to navigate But now its like a vast ocean Of worries, and anxious thoughts, doubts and insecurities, numerous as the stars Like someone turned on a million faucets and forgot them for years And the shores have long gone, exchanged for a horizon where celestial lights meet their reflection It's really beautiful in here, it is, But I'd like that beauty to be brought into the world, instead of just being seen by me Inside, and through dull lifeless eyes staring back from the mirror

I am in there too of course, off course of course Just floating around in circles Sometimes I think I might be steering like this on purpose As if it's easier to stay, or safer, for me, or them? I wouldn't want their minds to grow messy like mine, Not on my behalf anyways Maybe I'm just afraid, and whenever I get close to an exit, I make a wall To turn me back towards the hardest easy I've ever lived.

But if I'm so good at making labyrinths, shouldn't I trust myself to make a path?

I'm hoping that one day, I will get out Gather the courage to sail forward Leave this sea And be Me

[katinkatt]

1. Be yourself

When I was born, I was a gift receiving gifts I brought happiness to my mom, and dad And they did their utmost to bring happiness to me They've lived, and so they knew how I should live, to be happy

I should be myself.

So I was myself, with all my might, all the might a girl at the tender age of four could muster. But it was just a funny moment to mom. Why is it funny when I am myself?

My aspirations wasn't funny to me, her dress was too big and that was annoying after all No laughing matter to be sure, I guess I'd grow into it But I wish she would assure me of that, instead of laugh.

I wanted to be cute, and pretty, and I wanted my friends to see So I acted as cute as I could, and felt on the inside, the prettiest thing I could be A sea lion. They're what mermaids are based on after all. My friends laughed, I guess laughter is good too. Even if they can't see how pretty I am, I can at least see their pretty smiles. And maybe they'll smile when I grow up to be as pretty as I feel. I know I will.

I'm not doing too good, It's all been very confusing. I cry, but I'm not supposed to cry? I'm too old? too boy? I try my best not to be. I get yelled at. I cry.

The tv tells me to be yourself, my books tell me to be yourself, my family tells me to be yourself. But when I try being myself, they get angry. And my friends laugh.

"Be yourself No, not like that."

"Just be yourself No, stop, not like that"

BE YOURSELF I'm trying BE YOURSELF but everytime I- BE YOURSELF You stop me BE YOURSELF Why are you yelling? BE YOURSELF … BE YOURSELF …

I thought I was confused, but it gets very confusing When you forget to add "As long as you're just like us" after "Be yourself" When you forget to add "As long as you're the way we expect you to be" after "Be yourself" When you forget to add "Dont" before "be yourself"

When I have to forget myself, just to live long enough to be myself

[katinkatt]

Heavy is the chest that carries the breast