katotak

idk i just like to ramble

[katotak54]

You taught me I belonged at your feet, not His,

but He asks me to stand and forget this.

He comforts me as I cry silently,

telling me you were wrong to treat me so violently.

He is kind to all his children,

but you shall face the wrath of God for my treatment.

God created me as He desired,

you had no right to ruin what he admired.

[katotak54]

“I really like her. I started listening to love songs and I don’t think I’ve listened to those or believed in love in years.”

[katotak54]

“his last word was my name and if that’s not love, then what is? if not that, i don’t think love truly exists.”

[katotak54]

currently reading The Ruin of Kings by Jenn Lyons & i don’t want to get ahead of myself since i’m just a chapter in, but this may be the book that gets me back into reading.

like i dojt usually like 1st pov but it’s done rlly well here. i think it was a good choice to like keep us close to the character yk. plus the book cover is so cool. the final line of the first chapter was so good.

[katotak54]

[katotak54]

my roommate and i painted a recycling bin bc college, and i have to share. it’s primarily mcu themed 🫶

[katotak54]

vision of the future (tw: death)

i fear my vision of the future

is just as clear

is my reading ability.

that is to say,

i cannot see

my phone screen on a good day.

i wake and squint at my blurry hands

i rub at my eyes

blink until they are no longer stinging and dry,

i try to imagine my future but i can’t.

i was fourteen and planning a funeral,

my grandmother died the year before

i wanted flowers like hers, annual.

planning your own funeral ruins your core.

there is no coming back,

you remember the conversations like flashbacks.

telling your mother you want daisies,

asking her to keep the casket closed

put you in your favorite clothes

even if they aren’t very pretty.

(you were in your wannabe emo phase

so your mother asks if you really

think the MCR shirt and ripped jeans

are appropriate for being lowered into a grave.

you assure her it is “totally

what i need,

mom if i’m dying you gotta do

whatever i tell you!”)

i lay in bed at night

and sometimes my chest feels so tight

i wonder if the doctor really fixed me

or if i’m still suffocating.

maybe i was lowered into the ground

maybe this is why i find myself unable to make any sound.

maybe i am dead

and that is why my vision of the future is only dread.

[katotak54]

okay but best friends are so cute esp like “that’s my best friend” like that’s so cute?? we love someone so much they are our best friend of all the friends?? i love.

[katotak54]

last night i performed for my fall final and!! i always forget how much i love to be on stage and then i am again and !!!! i feel so alive!! i never thought i would genuinely enjoy performing because i’m very soft spoken and get anxious easily but i’m literally fulfilling my childhood dreams right now. not in the way i thought, not with the degree i wanted as a kid, but i’m on a stage and people were laughing and happy because of me and i am so so happy.

[katotak54]

a mini art dump!!

the first one (left image, a sunrise with little black birds) is literally on the back of a business card with crayons.

the second one (right image) i did in my notebook. i took leftover wrapping paper and fit the shapes in various places on my notebook, using tape. some of them i twisted, others i folded, to get funky shapes. on top of them i wrote in white paint marker various phrases i was feeling. i then added “fuck” in black crayon, because that’s how i feel lol.

[katotak54]

yk it makes me a little sad to think about how humans dreamed up the afterlife as a means of making peace with their life on earth. like. in my history class the textbook was talking about how ancient Egyptian (3000 BCEish) thought of the afterlife was the underworld where it was an idealized version of Egyptian life. and that’s a pretty general thought for a lot of people. why do we think our life here is so bad that we have to make up a better version of it to get us through like “well at least we have ____ to look forward to in death!” that’s so sad. we should be able to just be happy while we’re alive.

[katotak54]

nah because my psych professor was talking about how apes and babies both have the reflex to hold onto their mothers/pinky fingers and it’s for protection basically. like if a baby is holding your pinky and you lift it up, it will keep holding on for safety. like wtf.

[katotak54]

it is genuinely so funny to me that one of my hyper fixations is on a hiatus until next year and i thought “hey this is good, it’ll make me actually focus on life things!”

no. that did not happen. you know why? because i watched the recent batman movie with ky dad, and i am now hyper fixating on that. it did not take me more than a week to find a new hyper fixation and I WASN’T EVEN TRYING.

i need to accept that i’ll just never be productive.

[katotak54]

i love the friendships like:

person 1: ok so it’s 11:30pm is that too late to make mashed potatoes from scratch 👀

2: it’s never too late

1: hell yes imma do it

it’s so pure and exciting. like yes enable me bestie!! we love to see it.

and the act of making food late at night is so lovely as well. like i definitely should be sleeping but let’s create something instead. let’s nourish ourselves. (and i have thoughts™️ on nourishment and live being stored in the kitchen. that’s for another post, however.)

anyway i just have a lot of feelings about friendship and food and it’s 1:26am so i rlly should be asleep haha.

[koshercosplay]

dandelions really went off with their name. like yes you are quite the dandy lion. I love you.

[katotak54]

my favorite photos of dandelions, my loves <33

[katotak54]

you won’t miss me

you’ll miss the idea of me. you’ll miss me greeting you home from work, and rambling about my day. you’ll miss me making you dinner spontaneously and making you laugh at my dark humor. maybe you’ll miss me doing the dishes, or making sure the doors are locked at night because you never remember.

you won’t miss me.

you won’t miss me arguing because it’s fun to tease you and i’m too much like my father in that way. you won’t miss my almond milk taking yo fridge space, or me texting to ask for more ice cream. you won’t miss me sleeping on the couch because i just got too thread to walk the extra six feet to my room. you won’t miss walking in on me watching that tv show you hate, or hearing Taylor Swift blaring from the bathroom at 7am while i shower. you won’t miss our big arguments when all my grievances burst out of me.

you won’t miss me, not really. but if you do, take my father by the hand and lead him to that long mirror in the living room. together, look into it.

you won’t miss me.

[katotak54]

maybe i’m being too sappy but i think. i think love isn’t always in “i love you” and chocolates and flowers. i don’t think it’s in rings or big fancy vacations. i think it’s when i’m halfway out the door and my dad is on his way to bed and i run back inside to tell him “the lawn looks great!” and he smiles. i think it’s in my mom driving 12 hours across 5 states in november so i can tour a college. it’s in me and my best friend mailing homemade gifts to each other and face timing so we can see each other’s delight. it’s in making plans with future college friends before you’ve even heard their voice. llove is promising “we’ll always go to restaurants that don’t have dairy or gluten because you’re allergic” it’s in “i bought snacks for you” it’s in “i love your texts” it’s in “i can’t wait to meet you.”