an unimportant diary @katsth0ughts - Tumblr Blog

not really sure how i have been feeling lately. i have more friends at school. this late into the process i didnt think it would happen but they are lovely and i appreciate them so much. i am still lonely very often though. im very tired of being in school- burn out is officially in my veins. i scroll endlessly on my phone but there isnt anything satisfying on it. i dont know if i want a partner to help with the loneliness or if i even want to share my time and space and energy with somebody else in that way. its so hard to meet people anyways that it doesnt seem like thats a dilemma im going to encounter anytime soon though. im going to graduate soon. and i dont know what to expect or what to do beyond then. i dont know what i want out of life or what i even enjoy doing in reality. im worried about the state of my family and that just feels like an additional stress burden that makes life hard. i want to go home but i dont. such a weird feeling, to be lonely and crave love but to also shy away from it and avoid it at all costs. im glad i have my friends.

been caught in an in between lately. i often feel the empty feeling still. sometimes it is replaced with anger though, hate for my roommates. life just doesnt seem interesting a lot of the time. im almost done school now, but im not even looking forward to summer. just repeated actions at work over and over again failing to be in a job that actually provides value to 'what I want to do' (in brackets because who the fuck knows what I actually want to do). often feel like I have no friends anymore. there are 2 that I care for and then my sister. even the two I sometimes struggle to love with whole heart and im not sure why. there is just something wrong within me that doesnt let me get close to people. i dont know how to create those bonds on a deeper level, don't know what it feels like to have a best friend in the world. I think I am weird and lacking in some fundamental way. I think I am damaged from the past and I hate him for it and I hate myself for not being able to move on from it. something was altered in me in those years and it will be ages before it can be fixed. if it ever can. what I would give to see how I would have turned out if I had simply not engaged with him. how different my life and personality would be. what I would've grown to be, these almost 6 years later. 6 years of prime development and I felt like I lost them because of him. broken still

the spark is still missing, months later. the hollow feeling settles into my chest every night; i doubt it will go anywhere anytime soon. with or without a person for me nothing changes regardless. the passion i wanted to study is so far out of reach. not that there's anything wrong with this one but i know where my heart always was. but giving up was so easy and its far too late to change my mind now.

we broke up a while ago. the friends we shared decided i no longer had a place among them and its been a while now so i have come to terms with this. it does not help the empty feeling though, regardless of the apology texts i receive from time to time. i pull back when all i want is to be dragged in but i dont know how to find the effort to stop resisting. and i still cant cry. all i want is to cry

missing the spark

thats what it seems like lately. reaching for something that isnt there or trying to fake it so hard but you know you just look stupid for trying. i want to go home; what is home ?

happy valentines day. didnt even seem like my mom loved me today to be honest. it kinda sucked. im tired of being the bigger person. why didnt he try? feel so stupid

down bad

horrendously so to be honest. cant stay on top of anything. dont have time to do anything. wake up and work for 14 hours straight and still fall behind. chest feels empty quite often and my eyes are tired. its like the things that used to make me happy bring nothing to me anymore, as if they have lost all value. dont even feel like i have any true connections anymore just feeling so alone. there are people there and around but just out of reach. dont even know what i need to fix it and its like i dont even care anymore. writing out to an abyss because who else is there to talk to? just want to stop thinking. a quiet brain would be nice, really.

its my birthday today

today

today my mom called me a useless slug with no ambition <3. i am a second year university stem student with an 87 average.

how do you cry? i cant cry anymore. all i want to do is cry and i cant. its like ive been emptied out. so so so so empty hollow that not even tears can exist within me anymore and it hurts

hard to realize that life is not a story. my author will not introduce my saviour. my insides will not heal over the course of the next 12 chapters. i wish i had somebody set my path. let me skip a few pages. let me see that it works out and i dont die for nothing in the end. let me see that i can be full again. let me see that one day i stop being dramatic on a website diary that nobody will ever care to read in all of time

no longer there

there but not. an empty space that is filled. i dont know how to do this anymore

haven't been around

mentally or physically, really. dont even know how to find the words to say it anymore. tired of pushing through it but at the same time it feels like im faking everything and im actually fine. but am i actually fine? i dont even know any more. probably won't ever know. i have an exam tomorrow. i dont even know how to study anymore. what happened to me? where is the person i used to be? just want her back. sometimes i do have fun though. and then i feel guilty for having fun and feel guilty for feeling sad. doesnt feel like i am allowed to do anything right. only okay when my brain is empty. then i hate when my brain is empty. i miss who i used to be, without even knowing who i used to be. chest feels so hollow lately and it gets far too dark far too early. feel sick when im afraid of being sick. laying in bed forever sounds nice. i dont remember when i started to feel like this. it feels like forever now. my brain screams at me to do things right, to get my stuff done and i cant. i hear myself everyday telling me to sit up, do work, stop zoning out but its impossible to pull myself back. i want to be noticed and i want to disappear. i want everybody to see me, to like me, hear me, love me and i want to be able to walk past people in silence, unseen, unnoticed, existing on my own. im so lonely but there are people everywhere and i know all i have to do is speak but i cant. im sorry

escape

my problem is that I fill my mind with too many fantasy worlds. all I do is read and watch these incredible worlds where life is about finding true happiness, true love, true adventure and thats all I want. to dress up at balls and go on life changing journeys, meeting new people while finding who I am. I want to have powers and change lives and see things that others cant. I want to find things and people that will fill me with happiness and heartache and simplicity that I know will never be attained here. to live in a castle and have the young prince fall in love with me. to sail seas and be a pirate, daring and bold, risking my life for some treasure. to be able to travel between worlds, where I can fly and soar around mountain tops. to be pulled into faerie worlds and be granted old magic powers that change the lives of so many. to find real true love, with a bond so strong nothing can break it. to know when ive met my soul mate, to connect on an inhumane level with somebody that nothing can compare to it. to give my heart away fully, and to be myself. to just be free. instead of doing school work for 15 years to just prepare myself for a lifetime of listening to somebody else. to work and work and work and for what? to just survive, the bare minimum and then die. fuck this world. I hope to god there is somewhere out there, in some alternate universe, than I can be reborn into and find the happiness my heart longs for. because it just doesn't exist on earth.

got bad again i guess. i hate myself unfortunately. i hate my past and hate who i pretend to be. hate that im treated as if ive never done a bad thing in my life hate that im too much of a bitch to say anything about it. feel like shit

bad

just feeling bad. bad and bad and bad and bad and bad again. dont know who to tell. nobody to talk to at all. so many people around me and yet feels like theres no connections anywhere. might be my fault. know its my fault but feels like theres nothing out there for me. in reality ill just keep going because any other option is scary and not considered in the slightest. so if youre reading this its fine. just a little bit empty. have been for a while

a break

man its been like a week since i said anything on here. im not sure if ive been busy or if ive just been spending less time on my laptop. i have almost completed the last book in the acotar series and wow it got so much better. my gut feeling about how shitty tamlin really was pulled through and that makes me so happy. i absolutely adore cassian and azriel, but wow AMREN AND MOR TOO? the cast in the night court is incredible and im whipping through the books.

back to school work today though sadly. feeling tired to the bones. starting to get stressed about midterms

thanks

busy

so so busy :( school work is already overwhelming back on day two. no time to do anything, not even read. all i want to do is read. i got to see my person but they're very stressed out right now and even more busy than i am, so im worried about them. hopefully tonight i will get to have some me time to just exist. thats the main goal after all

did math and earths yesterday, did chem and sociology today. not done soci yet. so much reading, and not the kind i love so much.

thanks

good morning. school starts again today so that is very unfortunate. for me, today is a math and maybe earth science as well type of day. tomorrow will be chemistry, which i am dreading.

at least its snowing outside. that makes me feel a little bit better.

all i really want to do though is finish reading my book >:(

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an unimportant diary