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This a project for a high school AP Psychology course. This is a fictionalized account of having a psychological ailment. For questions about this blog project or its content please email the teacher, Laura Astorian: [email protected]
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This a project for a high school AP Psychology course. This is a fictionalized account of having a psychological ailment. For questions about this blog projectā¦
This a project for a high school AP Psychology course. This is a fictionalized account of having a psychological ailment. For questions about this blog project or its content please email the teacher, Laura Astorian: [email protected]
12/8/16
Today I almost relapsed after drinking a high protein shake my dad made for me but instead I read a book. The high protein is part of a plan my nutritionist made for me which will help repair the damage I did to my muscles. After just a few weeks of an intense starving/purging cycle, my muscles began to grow weak and I was constantly lightheaded. The effort it took for me to get into jumps was almost doubled yet I still didnāt perform as well as I used to. Despite my constant fatigue everyone around me complimented and praised me for how much weight I had lost. This augmented my drive for perfection but nevertheless my performances still faltered.
I began to notice the muscle loss and my once toned legs were beginning to look sickly. It was at this point that I changed my purging by vomiting to purging by over exercising. I would stay in the gym for hours on end, trying desperately to gain back my endurance but only proceeding to lose more weight. I would run and run and run until I was seeing in black and white.Ā
I am hoping I will be able to return to rhythmic very soon because I miss it so much. It is one of the only things I am ever motivated to do yet I had to stop it because of my excessive exercising. I donāt believe I will ever be able to perform at the level I used to but that is just a repercussion of this devastating disorder I developed.
12/6/16
At my level in rhythmic gymnastics it is a very aesthetic sport, so the thinner the better. Ever since I was little there has been a pressure to be thin and pretty. Throughout my career,Ā I have had quite a few different coaches but most of them have placed emphasis on weight loss as a part of improving. This mentalityĀ ofĀ āthe thinnerĀ the betterā eventually caught up to me and by the time I was 11 I was already showing signs of disordered eating.
When I compete I am surrounded by hundreds of other beautiful girls and it always makes me feel inferior and ugly. For almost a year I was unable to look others in the eye because of how disgusting I feltĀ as if no one would ever want to look at me. I still struggle with low self-esteemĀ but Iām hoping it will improve with therapy.Ā
Honestly, I donāt even remember the last time I left the house without makeup on. There are almost a hundred things on my face alone I could point out the flaws in. My friends started to notice my preoccupation with my looks and commented on it quite often unfortunately. this just drove my desire to be pretty and thin. I have missed several days of school because my self-esteem would reach a point so low that leaving the house seemed to be a burden on others.
12/4/16
I decided to comply with my therapistās requests and I do really want to try to get better, but I canāt look at food without immediately assessing the amount of calories in it. Its become a habit by now. Every time food is given to me I turn it over to look at the calories, or I just look it up online. I used to never eat anything more than 200 calories at a time. It kept me from being bloated and ugly. The granola bar my nutritionist made me eat was 345 calories and I couldnāt finish it, I only ate enough so that she wouldnāt question me about it.
I donāt know how Iām going to be able to break this habit. If I put anything in my mouth without knowing how many calories are in it I have an anxiety attack. Its a never ending cycle of not eating, hungry, eat, feel guilty, and not eating again. The guilt that I feel for overeating is unbearable, thatās why I purge. It makes me feel like Iām less of a failure for giving in. Even holding food makes me feel like the calories will be able to seep through my skin and make me fat.
MY rigid and established eating schedule is also going to be a massive challenge for me to overcome. I only eat two āmealsā a day, a snack and whatever dinner my family eats. Often the time I overeat the most is at dinner, once I start eating its sometimes hard for me to regain control over myself and it makes me feel weak.
12/2/16
I had my first therapy appointment today. It was another one of the most humiliating moments of my life, I was completely exposed and they told me I was going to have to gain weight. I nearly had a panic attack on the spot when I heard how much I was going to have to put on. Do they understand how hard Iāve worked to drop to all those pounds? Before I learned to control myself I weighted 130 pounds! I was a whale! How could they ever expect me to compete like that? I have managed to drop to 105 and I still look too fat yet they expect me to gain 20 pounds in just a few months.
I understand that this disorder is negatively impacting my body and I do want to recover but I still have an intense fear of gaining any weight. I donāt think I could ever eat some of the things they want me to. My nutritionist was talking to me about it but once she told me I had to eat more than 800 calories a day, I zoned out. 800 calories is the most I allow myself to eat, no more or I have to get rid of it. More than that would be an utter disaster, I would look bloated and none of my clothes would fit me, especially not the ones for rhythmic gymnastics.
Another doctor is helping to treat the damage I caused to my esophagus and teeth through purging. He told me that in order to prevent further damage I was going to have to stop purging immediately. Honestly, that'sĀ not something I think I will be able to do with the new high-calorie diet my nutritionist put me on. Maybe I will just switch to laxatives or something, although Iām not sure how I would hide that from my family. They are now monitoring my every move to make sure I donāt relapse.