An asexual person is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Like most things, asexuality is a spectrum made up of shades of grey, and covers a lot of identities more than just asex…
An asexual person is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Like most things, asexuality is a spectrum made up of shades of grey, and covers a lot of identities more than just asexual alone. It also encompasses demisexuality (only experiencing sexual attraction once an intense emotional bond is established) and gray-asexuality (experiencing sexual attraction rarely and/or only under certain circumstances).
Asexuality is a vastly misunderstood orientation. Here’s what asexuality is not:
Asexuality is not celibacy; it is not choosing to not have sex, because being asexual isn’t a choice.
Asexuality is not being afraid of sex, although there are asexual people (and non-asexual people) who fear/dislike sex to a great extent (this is called being sex-repulsed).
Asexuality is not a romantic orientation (you’re thinking of aromanticism); asexual people participate in romantic relationships of all kinds.
Asexuality is not believing that sex is innately wrong or horrible; many, many aces are very sex-positive!
And, lastly, anyone can be asexual; any gender, any age, anyone.
Now, just because someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean they don’t have sex. Lots of aces have sex for lots of different reasons — you can enjoy sex without having to be sexually attracted to your partner(s), or perhaps they participate in sex because they like to please their partner(s), maybe they would like to have a biological child, asexual sex workers exist, and so on.
There are, of course, asexual people, like me, who do not have sex at all, and have no plans to.
Understanding asexuality better means understanding and breaking down the various levels of attraction that exist. Sexual attraction isn’t the only one. There is romantic attraction, sensual attraction, aesthetic attraction, and so on. Anyone can feel these types of attraction, not just asexual people. These levels of attraction are best explained here at the AVENwiki, a resource for the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. This is where I’m going to get the definitions from, but I’ll be expanding on them a little bit.
Romantic attraction is an emotional response that results in a desire to have a romantic relationship with someone. Ever had a crush on someone? That’s romantic attraction. Aces (slang for asexual people) can and do experience romantic attraction, and have healthy, long-term romantic relationships, both with other aces and non-aces.
Sensual attraction is the desire to engage in sensual acts with someone, such as cuddling or kissing. Just because most asexual people do not experience sexual attraction does not mean that we don’t enjoy intimacy in other forms. Physical contact among people, in relationships or otherwise, is not an inherently sexual act. Aces sleep beside their partner(s), shower with them, give massages, cuddle in bed, etc., just like non-asexual couples do.
Aesthetic attraction is simply being attracted to someone based on their appearance and appreciating their unique beauty on a surface level. Some consider this a subset of sensual attraction.
Some aces experience all three of these kinds of attractions (like me!) and others do not. Asexuality is as varied as any other identity, and however it manifests for each individual asexual person is valid.
Out of all my identities — queer, nonbinary, transgender, asexual — coming to terms with and embracing my asexuality has, by far, been the toughest for me. I think this largely stems from living in an overly sexualized society that places too much value on how sexually appealing we are, as well as personally being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
It took me a long time to even consider that I might be ace because of the abuse I suffered; I believed for many years that the fact I was uninterested in sex in general was because I’d somehow been “damaged” by the man who abused me, and that with time and experience, I would eventually have and enjoy sex.
This was at a time when I was much younger and believed that if I was ever going to have a long-term relationship with someone — anyone — I would have to have sex, as much as that both terrified and disgusted me.
Not that I think sex is disgusting, because I don’t. I understand that sex is really important to a lot of people, that it’s a beautiful thing among consenting adults, and that it’s a large component in many relationships. I don’t think sex is dirty or wrong, it’s just never been something I’ve ever wanted or been interested in past vague curiosity.
The only thing that disgusts me is the idea of me having sex, not anyone else.
Finding the definition of asexual in the first place — years ago, on tumblr, I think — was the beginning of my journey. It’s why I always cringe when young people are mocked for exploring different identities while using social media. I wish I had known what asexuality was so much sooner! It would have helped me make sense of how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. It would have validated me at such a younger age when I desperately needed it.
When I did find it, I was opened up to a whole community of people who felt just like I did, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was broken or that I would one day have to do something I genuinely never wanted to do.
Working through the abuse was a lot harder, and it still is, but what I’ve come to understand both through therapy and on my own is that it doesn’t matter how much of me is innately asexual and how much of me was impacted by the abuse I suffered; I’ve been in a romantic relationship with my partner for three years, who is also ace, and this is the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I’m happy with being ace and I have no desire to change that about myself. Being asexual doesn’t limit me in anything I do, it doesn’t complicate my life, and it doesn’t depress me.
I’m not broken, so there’s nothing to fix.
And that’s the most important thing to remember: asexual people do not lack a sexuality, there is not a gaping hole where our sexuality should be, and we’re not “missing out” on anything. We are asexual, a wonderful, beautiful identity all on its own, and we simply experience the world and our relationships in a different way.
