“What they don’t tell you about recovery: There will be days when you do not want to recover. On those days, you will lie in bed longer than is necessary in the morning, and you will think about how good it would feel to pretend you’re sick that day- or should I say, pretend you’re physically sick. How good it would feel to cancel your plans, be absent from school, and do absolutely nothing all day other than wallow in the murky pit of the illness you have been trying for so long to leave behind. They say taking a mental health day is good, sure, but this is not a day to recover. This is a day to relapse. On those days when you do not want to recover, the comforting hand of your illness will come up beside you and pat you on the shoulder and remind you of how much easier it was when you just gave in. When you submitted to the chains being wrapped around your body, constricting your lungs and rubbing your wrists raw. When you closed your bedroom door and did not come out except to go to the bathroom and even then each step down the hallway felt like bullets piercing through your skin. They will not tell you how hard it is. They will not tell you how hard you must fight, how much strength you must possess, how you must have a will that is tough as steel because desire alone is not enough. Everyone wants to recover, sure. Everyone envies the people who were born with brains that were not trying to kill them. But the hard, hard, truth is that not everyone really has the grit to try, and try again, and try again, and try again, and yes- try again. Try again even when you have fallen so many times that your body hitting the floor sounds like a broken record. Try again even when you are so tired the ground feels like a feather filled mattress and the part of your brain that is trying to kill you whispers that this is a good place to take a nap. Try again. Try again. Try again because okay, maybe it’s true, maybe you will never stop falling, but in order to fall you must have been standing up to begin with, and even if you only have one good day a week it is worth getting up for that one day. Here’s something they always tell you about recovery, but is no less true: it is worth it.”
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