disfigured

i'm currently on the verge of falling apart; melancholic, undecided, wrecked...but i try not to fall into the deepest pit of sadness. so yeah, i'm still breathing and holding on to the complexity of life. (leah/23)

[keebeeper]

sa kabila ng poot at pait na nararanasan ko ngayon, ikaw ang aking ilaw, ang daan, at ang dulo.

[keebeeper]

[keebeeper]

12:04AM and i'm playing Daughter's Smother on repeat. I have become the monster that I've always been avoiding. It happened. But i'm trying. I'm always trying. It's just hard to do this alone, without anyone knowing...because it's still so hard to open. But I try to. For myself, for my sanity, for my family, for my friends...for Ken.

[keebeeper]

I find it hard to experience different emotions all at once. At some point, the only relevant feeling that I can't seem to control is my anger. I don't know why, or how. It's all that I can feel. It's not even about questioning my worth. I know mine. It doesn't even needs elaborations. I just feel tired, and sad. It's hard when things don't go the way you planned them. It's hard that people you care about have their own lives. I became dependent again. I never wanted this. I felt needy, desparate...all the time. Even the love of my life can't seem to help me. It's within me. Kind of a battle thing with myself. I felt like I lost myself a bit. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life. Crying doesn't help me anymore. Weighing things and people took its toll on me. I'm so drained. I want to curl on my own. I want to return to them when I'm all better, but I can't do that anymore. I'm already commited with some people. I don't really know what to do with these feelings anymore. I'm not good with this.

[keebeeper]

[keebeeper]

i missed studying though. I miss those late night crammings, late night cravings, emotional breakdowns inside bathrooms, surprise dance party with friends. If i were to rate my life, i can practically say that i had one of the best moments in my life. I'm happy they happened. I wish i could revisit them just to feel things again.

[keebeeper]

Hahahahaha I actually stopped ranting and expressing my thoughts over twitter. It's not private anymore. I actually felt exploited...even before. But joke's on me because I did that to someone as well and was caught in a very surprising way that won't mend things back again. I don't know. I kind of felt like I don't have the right to express things anymore. Moreover, it's as if my emotions are caged and that every word that I say affects people around me. Sometimes i feel like it's much better if i keep silent, but it's not good for me. Well, even if you do read this, you don't even know who i am...and more importantly, you won't even read this. Which is fine, totally. I just missed typing.

[keebeeper]

I was in my lowest a few months ago; i became the shittiest unemployed human, i lost few of my friends, i became shitty in terms of life decisions. It's as if my life has been renewed without my consent and knowldge. Kind of weird also that I can't express my thoughts and fight for myself in front of people...but does it even matter? I don't really care how people perceived me. I was very open then, thinking whether if i do this, people would like me..blah blah, but not today. I've been very vocal when it comes to my decisions and rules before. I was. I don't know if it's applicable now, though.

But i'm the happiest potato now. Never been happy even if life's been giving me the shittiest experiences ever. Fuck life, as always. It never stops. Putangina.

[wordsnquotes]

You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known- and even that is an understatement.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, “Letter to Zelda Fitzgerald,” 1939 (via wordsnquotes)

[keebeeper]

and i’m back... again.... gago i’m so tired  and so sad nanaman  potahngnainananananannanana

[wordsnquotes]

lacuna

(lə-ˈkü-nə, noun) With Latin origins, lacuna is defined by a blank space or a missing part. (via wordsnquotes)

[anancientheart]

I want to be open for you. Like the moonflower at dusk, pale and luminescent in the heat. Like the doors of a church carved into something forgiving - I want to be a place for you to rest. Honey, please listen when I tell you this. Love is safe. Do you hear me? I’ve put all the pain away. Everything sharp is wrapped up. Everything loud is hushed. Love is the wind that makes the leaves dance. You are the softest part of the morning.

Emery Allen, I woke up and wrote this the other night and completely forgot (via wethinkwedream)

[handsofash-deactivated20180330]

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I’ll take care of you, take care of you, that’s true

[rock-lobstahh]

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A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage

You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink

You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

[keebeeper]

another one of those empty notes, empty papers, empty letters, empty heart  but mind filled with voices 

[keebeeper]

if you see me somewhere in between the hours of sadness and loneliness,  please 

hug  me 

[caffeinevoid]

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Delicate - Keaton Henson

I’m so upset I didn’t know this existed until today