5/3/26 heartache
Dallas 🪩💟 and I didn’t really talk while he was in Arkansas. I ended up calling him after the Remedy pool party and I was feeling really down and told him I was sorry for not communicating better. He said thank you for apologizing, but I could sense the distance still. I called him one other time to ask how he was doing, but we didn’t talk. So when he came back, I really didn’t think that we were going to continue talking. A couple days after he got back he asked if I wanted to catch up. We talked for a little and then he wanted to get intimate. We didn’t have sex, but he ate me out and I gave him head. He kept saying things like now we could start fresh and it’s so good to see me back to my old self. I was so confused.
A couple days later he came over and we ended up having sex and I regretted it, I felt like I lost my power. So I kind of pulled away a little bit and when he wanted to hang out, I told him to actually make plans with me first and then I need a little bit more intention. He said to stop assuming that he only wants to hang out to have sex. He talked for two hours that night and I said I didn’t wanna talk about the past anymore. I reiterated that their was stuff that we both could’ve did better and it wasn’t all my fault. I told him I was leaving for the summer and California in a few days and if you wanted to spend some nice time together before I left that we should enjoy it. We decided to go to a show last night downtown and roll. We were having sex and I made a comment that he didn’t like and we started talking, he asked me if there was anything. I wanted to tell him and they ended up telling him that I had sex with jake and Jackson and had talked to jess, posted him on the are we dating the same guy Facebook group. He was very upset but grateful that I told him, he saw the post and deleted it and said he was leaving multiple times. I begged him not to, but then he ended up going through my phone and getting upset about text with jake and Eric. He left at 4 in the morning and said he never wanted to talk to me again and was disgusted. It was all very hypocritical considering anytime I found information on his texting and fucking other girls, He said we weren’t together. There’s a lot of manipulation that happened last night, including him saying he wanted to be exclusive and me not wanting to so I set him up for failure. But when he was in a right side of mine before he said, he finally understood why I asked him to stop talking to girls, even though we weren’t exclusive. He also said that me being interested in sex parties and threesomes made it a grey area. He told me true love this, and I am more than enough for someone.
I felt like I was on such a great trajectory when dallas 🪩💟 and I weren’t talking. I was accepting that we weren’t going to talk anymore and focusing on my next steps. So right now, my heart is heavy. I’m so annoyed that I let myself get sucked back in to the drama and heartache. I really had high hopes that because we have fun together. We had great sex, he was always telling me how beautiful and smart and funny I am, always hyping me up. He wanted to come up to California to visit me and said he was moving to Utah and said I could come live with him and honestly I wanted to. When things are good they’re so good. I’ve never felt so loved by anyone before like that. I’ve never experienced intimacy like that before. I’m sure I could find it again, but I know it will be hard. As nice as it sounds to be in love and being in a happy relationship I know that I have some things to change first. I need to change my job situation and I’m really excited to travel this summer and get away from Phoenix.
I’m really curious what the future will bring and I know I have to be intentional with my time. I’m going to focus on building my portfolio, applying for jobs, my summer travel and adventures, and I hope to come back healed, hotter, and wiser. I’ve been through this before, and I know that I will survive.
