Yup....I’m pregnant. About 27 weeks now and I can finally unload everything since I’m pretty much comfortable and have told everyone- whether personally or through FB. lol. Where to start? Well, I feel like no one in this world, including me, expected me to have a child. I have always been kind of adamant about not having children. Much of it, I think, was partially for fear of raising a child in this world, partially because I was scared of actual childbirth (have you seen a birthing video?) and then partially (being real honest here) I never thought I’d find a partner worthy of raising a child with. There’s also a few other selfish reasons, like who wants to get fat, put their career on hold a bit, not be able to just wake up and worry about you, and then the downsides to kids, like the crying and no sleep and countless other inevitable kid related things that many adults without kids dread. So when or where or why did the change of heart happen? (Another honest moment), I didn’t plan my pregnancy, but once I found out (at about 8 weeks), this unexplainable feeling of attachment and love and possibility took over me. Don’t get me wrong I was scared too! Like am I prepared? Financially, emotionally, mentally and, of course, the small part of my mind that thought “and you’re not married?..what will people think?”. I spent a lot of time really digging deep, long talks with myself, my partner, eventually my mom and his mom, and a couple friends here and there and I realized that every fear I ever had, there was something to overcome it. My partner would make an absolutely great father, we loved each other deeply and our connection is beyond any I’ve ever experienced. We click on every important fundamental level, especially morally. Financially, we’re not where I’d ideally want to be having a child, but we’re employed, educated and our financial growth hasn’t reached anywhere near its peak. I’m still not over the childbirth part, but geez can I have one dread? LOL. Not only that despite not being married I truly believed and believe that my partner and I are in it for the long haul and that we’re capable of raising a child together and hopefully forever, peacefully LOL. Things happen, but things can happen regardless of marital status etc. So with that said I’m actually pretty excited and looking forward to being a mom.
On the flip side, let’s talk a bit about the actual pregnancy! There is sooooooo much I think people gloss over when it comes to being pregnant. I think a lot of moms and parents don’t discuss any of the truly hard parts of pregnancy mainly because I think as people we generally try to just share what feels necessary or helpful. In any case, I truly wish I could be one of those people who lovvvve being pregnant! The Universe had OTHER PLANS! I had such bad morning sickness, OH MY. You can’t even drink alcohol, yet you’re constantly strung out over a toilet letting your insides take the lead. The worst for me was when I’d throw up and there was no food...UGH I won’t get into the nitty gritty details but that part is tough. Then the indigestion, the gassiness, the additional mucous, the exhaustion. Exhaustion needs its own book. I’ve never felt so tired in my whole entire life, even after having a decent night’s sleep you’d just wake up and want to sleep again. I don’t think I cleaned my house for a whole month around week 10-14. Thank goodness I had someone to help, wash dishes etc and not have me live in filth. Then there are the doctors visits, how many vials of blood do they need? Not that I’m really counting, but I think I’ve been poked upwards of 35 times by now in a span of only 4 months. I get bad headaches, I’m itchy. UUGH I can go on and on. The emotional aspects can be draining too, you’re moody and cranky and crying for ridiculous things like not having the right bread for a sandwich LOL. You’re worried about a miscarriage, and if the baby feels certain things and is alive. The worries about the future- there is just so much worrying, anxiety, and even guilt involved. I hate planning or event planning rather and so everything related to the baby shower gave and gives me anxiety. What will or does my baby need? I think the registry may have been the biggest cause for contention between my partner and I, lol like why do we want to kill each other over baby detergent? LOL. Then, then, all the things that may curb anxiety and the edge like alcohol, sex etc you can’t doooooo (or don’t do as often/ don’t feel like doing -referring to sex), so you’re just stuck! LOL.
There are redeeming aspects of pregnancy. I don’t want to seem like there is nothing fun or enjoyable. I am a little more bratty and I can (sometimes) get away with it LOL. People tend to do nice things because you’re pregnant, like share their food, cook for you, give you a break when you’re cranky and rude LOL. Other things like the first time you hear the heartbeat or the first ultrasound. I had that at about 12 weeks, like really seeing the life in you is insane and amazing! The first feelings of movement are also amazing, and then the first time you actually feel a strong kick that you can feel outside rather than just inside is also amazing! Finding out the sex! the baby name battles! Those are fun. I had an awesome maternity shoot with a friend (that’s where the above pic is from) and that was beyond fun and joyous. Your mother’s excitement, after not thinking she’d ever have a grandchild, your partner’s joy and his using words like “family” -those little moments are irreplaceable. All in all I can’t wait until February, looking forward to maternity leave and meeting my little princess - yes, yes IT’s A GIRL! :).
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