UPDATED TRUMP DOCTOR LETTER
A lot of people have expressed a desire for an update on President Donald J. Trumpâs health since his inauguration. I have been the personal physician of President Donald J. Trump since 1980 and I am here to say that Mr. Trumpâs health is absolutely better than ever.
Since being sworn in, Donald Trump has lost 50 pounds and gained 17 inches of height. Heâs the longest president who has ever lived. His livers are both functioning flawlessly. His blood sets an all-time record for the state of New York for âmostâ and his blood pressure was rated âexcellentâ by seven different Fox News Twitter polls. He doesnât even have one cholesterol.
I can say this unequivocally: Donald Trump has the most bones. Scientists estimate that he now has around 900 bones in his body and more are being discovered every day. Some of those bones have never been seen before. They allow him to be really good at presidential things like signing executive orders and making love nightly to his wife who wants him to.
Mr. Trumpâs test results have been astonishingly excellent. He actually has a blood type weâve never seen before: âAll.â Itâs both the universal donor and universal recipient, and sprinkling it on your penis makes your penis bigger. Mr. Trumpâs blood is gorgeous. It has a rich color thatâs hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words, I might call it âred.â
President Donald Trump has no family history of cancer, diabetes, or death. The presidentâs family members are immortal beings that walk the earth without end, craving the sweet release of death that will never come unless they make a deal with a cool witch. Donald Trump will never die, he will just keep growing vertically forever until he lives in space. Itâs really astonishing.
His physical strength is extraordinary. He can lift as much as a mother whose child is trapped under a car, but heâs more attractive than that mother and he hasnât let himself go like she has. Have you seen the way she dresses lately? The hypothetical mother in this simile is a total chunk. 4 at best. As the famous doctor Hippocrates once said, âWould not hit.â
Since the Inauguration, Mr. Trump has kept an extremely active lifestyle. He starts every morning by walking straight up into the sky and then walking down again. He also visits me regularly for checkups. Mr. Trump doesnât let me touch him because of gay, so I just eyeball it and give him a once over. I can usually tell just by looking how much blood is in him that day or which liver has taken the lead, so itâs not a super intensive process.
Mr. Trump is not only the healthiest president that has ever served, but also the most handsome. I usually want to kiss President Trump when I see him, but I would never break the doctor-patient trust, so instead I kiss the portrait of him I drew on my little note pad. There have been no presidents that even come close to President Trump in terms of overall health and hotness. Franklin Pierce was pretty hot, but his body wasnât great. James Garfield was more cute than hot. President Trump is the total package. I know this because of my stethoscope.
Just to give a little more background on me, Iâve been a doctor for years. I got into medicine the same way a lot of doctors do: I once took an unmarked pill that I found under a toilet in a public restroom, and the next thing I knew, I was blacked out doing surgery on a man on a Benihana table with the big knives they got over there. I flipped this guyâs appendix right into my hat. And thatâs when I caught the bug, for surgery and for tetanus!
Now, I want to address some of the slanderous things that have been said about me. Itâs just like these coastal elites to say Iâm not qualified as a physician. They think you need fancy things, like a diploma from Harvard Med School or a diploma from a med school or a GED or a car or medicine or clean hands. You donât need those to be a doctor! All you need is the right attitude and a good sense of humor and to be Jewish and a blank death certificate just in case!
This is America. Weâre not âfancyâ here. Youâre supposed to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and put a bunch of clamps in a guy and see what tubes you can clamp up without making him sleep forever. My grandfather was a blue-collar worker, and so was my father. I am a red-collar worker because my collar is always covered in spurting blood. I may not know art or science or what a âlungâ is, but I do know that I love America and am a lung-doctor!
Because of my love of America and Donald Trump, it is an honor to be his physician. Donald Trump could teach us all a thing or two about health. Not only is he the healthiest human ever, but also the healthiest dog, house and Faberge Egg. I wish him luck as he continues on his endless journey.
âDoctorâ Harold N. Bornstein, M.D. (Mostly Doctor)
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