I feel like I'll never be able to go back to my comics. That CSAU and SWTAU and whatever i come up with will just die as it is right now.
I have pages and pages of script, docens of half made animatics of diferent fandoms with music i edited myself that i really loved and even more drawings half done but there's just not enough time in the day. My mind is never still for too long and the moments i can focus i need to use make money, clean, keep track of my healt and find something to put in my stomach. Every day.
I thought once i moved out and I had privacy, I would be able to make art, but all the freedom i got i had to trade for rent.
I don't regret moving, not sharing a room and not having my mother luring around me helped inmesly to my proyects's development, but i though the CSAU epilogue would be finished by now and instead it hasn't even started. Every time i pick it up i can feel the hours pass so fast that i need to put it down or i won't make enough to cover expenses or groceries that month.
And that's leaving aside how scary it is that it got so big when it was suposed to be just some stupid au. that there's people wishing violence upon me because i made it cheesey and self indulgent.
I didn't personally put it on number 1 on mspfa myself, it made it there because when mspfa went down they were able to recover my likes but not the ones from the then number one "a discution on the meteor", so there was a discrepancy of months of likes there and it just made it there. i never claimed it was "the best ending to homstuck", i gave it a dumb name and put AU on the title to make it ovbious that it wasn't that serious. but people passed that feeling around and the general idea people have now is that i hate the canon ending and i think mine is better.
It's kind of like a can of worms at this point, when i draw it i'm happy and then i think about how i need to post it eventually and idk if i want to be there for the people's reaction, because what if it's lame? what if it took so long to make and absolutely sucks? Even worse, what if it's good and it becomes popular and i get more threats?
And i have an ocean of sticky notes in my wall with all the pending commissions and pending projects people expect me to send progress about and i'm just paralyzed. Merch for a convention table, files for the CSAU dub, a script for an indi show, a section for CollideReanimated. I promised so many people so many things and it's so cold in this damn room that i can't feel my hands and everyting i make comes out as garbage.
And i can't turn the stupid heater because then the expences will go up, it's just, i can never win.
CSAU was a fever dream and i was able to make it because of the lockdown. I don't think i'll be able to repeat that. Not in this economy and not in this freezing room.
Maybe if one day i finally have some place that's mine and i don't need to make that much to live in it.
Months keep passing and i can never get there. every month i think this is the one, and it's not. i just, i don't know what to do.
i guess tomorrow is another day to try to figure it out. idk man
gracieabrams
amandla
