undiagnosing myself with everything. im free and happy

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@kelthoumrambles
undiagnosing myself with everything. im free and happy
Trop trop envie de me défoncer. Ca craint. It sucks balls. Je sais pas si c'est parce que j'atteins la barre des 6 mois clean mais en tout cas the craving is rrrreal my teeth are griiiiinding for rrreal et au fond, j’espère même que la personne à qui j'ai envoyé un sms pour choper ne me réponde pas. Pas de coke. Un ecsta serait bien. Besoin de unplug my brain. To let it all out. To dance. I can dance without any substance yea but I need a strong endorphin shoot, the one that goes like "pow!" in the brain. That one shoot that makes you close your eyes in pure bliss. The savoury moment of ecstasy. La montée. L'éclate quoi!
As ridiculous as it might sound... Fuck that. I thought that after 6 months my brain would have rewired itself by then but no. Coke is a hell of a drug. What it does to your brain and shit... the damage takes time to erase itself man. Even with all of my efforts. Even if I do my best to reprogram my circuits. I wish I could use without having a will to die. But I can't "simply" use. I can't...
And I don't want to fuck my sobriety up just by having a drink. I'm stronger than this. Yea. I'm much stronger than this for sure.
Rhoooo. C'est dur. Dur dur
Dur
Trop trop eu envie de boire toute la journée. Il fait beau beau beauuu mais en fait j'ai envie de boire parce que je suis frustrée de plein de choses mais en même temps quelle joie de pouvoir travailler à se construire la vie de ses rêves mais frustrée de plein de choses alors rien de tel que de faire un énorme nettoyage de printemps dans mon énorme chambre - essayer de trouver des trucs à vendre sur Vinted et d'autres choses puis trouver au calme 500e dans une enveloppe (la vie est belle). Remettre l'enveloppe exactement là où je l'ai trouvée et espérer que le montant double lorsque je la retrouverais (why not). J'ai quelques grammes de magic truffles dans mon frigo qui me font de l'œil à chaque fois que je l'ouvre mais je crois pas que ce soit le bon moment maintenant de les prendre prq trop trop de trucs en tête. Quoi que... peut-etre que ca m'aiderait à faire le vide... Ce soir top chef ouuuuh yeah baby mais il me reste encore 10000 trucs à faire et à planifier et et et
Those past couple of days have been so.. weird and special and full of hope and despair? The other day I fainted in the bus during rush hour. It was so bad but faith in humanity restored one more time because everyone was so fucking kind and helpful - they gave me fruit juice and seemed deeply concerned (i was livid like an old plastic bag). I navigate between periods I don't eat much for a couple of days and then strongly feel the need to eat the weirdest food combo until my belly triples size and hurt. I still managed to read like 4-5 books within 10 days for my second assignement (oh insatisfaction de la vie) and, surprise, I ran into my ex thesis-supervisor on a Saturday morning at my faculty. Man. Such an incredible coincidence so full of meanings I can't even. He was so fuckin happy to see me (same btw) and called it "providence", told me he could (with great pleasure) help me for my admission portfolio for a master program that accept only 60 students for 400+ applications and more willing to help me for my thesis "on such an interesting topic". I went to the museum instead of writing my literature review, fully knowing I would lack time for writing and still decided to smoke joints and masturbate instead of writing (self sabotaging at its best here) and somehow managed to send something but so unsatisfied that I sent an email to my thesis supervisor saying "While I have invested a substantial amount of time in the research and reading process, I feel that the current version does not fully reflect the extent of the work undertaken". Gnagnagna ouin ouin ouin it's time to lock up b!
Tryin to find satisfaction in imperfection
details from Cato Ink
"S'il y a dans le sang noir un message pour le monde, c'est d'abord celui de cette humanité invaincue"
Léonora Miano dans Mariane et le garçon noir
Flower & Garden Magazine, August 1968
p r o v i d e n c e
Pr o vi d en c e
PRO VI DENC E
Providence
Providentia
Pro-video
I’m so grateful for everything I have and the ability to make my circumstances better.
Ur tumblr drafts r ur best work
me talking to myself on this app