Batman: Oracle, status report.
Oracle: [over the comms] the teams are all in position. Things are quiet so far.
Batman: Hm. Ok, thank you Oracle. I'll check in on them. [switches over to Nightwing and Robin's frequency]
Nightwing: -nd I've already bought it! You need to socialise more; this is an important part of your childhood.
Nightwing: It's so cute, though. You'll look adorable!
Robin: [with feeling] No.
Nightwing: [huffs] At least try it on; I already paid for it.
Robin: I am NOT going trick-or-treating.
Batman: ...[switches over to Orphan and Batgirl's comms]
Batgirl: -so then I said "you put that hand anywhere near me again I'll break it off" and he-
Orphan: B is listening now.
Batgirl: oh, hey B. Anyway then we had sex and he had this-
Batman: [cuts off the feed before he becomes even more traumatised] ...
Batman: ...ok. [tunes into Red Robin and Red Hood's frequency]
Red Hood: [in a fake posh voice] the handyman?!!! How could you DO this to me Dolores?!
Red Robin: [in a high-pitched voice] How could I?!! How could I NOT?? You married your office long before I ever fucked Juan-Eduardo!
Red Hood: Don't you DARE put this on me! I knew I shouldn't have hired that ridiculously good looking sonofabitch!
Red Robin: Hah! Well that wouldn't have stopped me from sleeping with CHAD!
Red Robin: [Triumphantly] OH YES
Red Hood: NO! MY BEST FRIEND?? WILL THE LIES NEVER END DOLORES??
Red Robin: YES! And let me tell you- he was SO MUCH better than you. He-
Red Hood: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART DOLORES
Red Robin: [breaking character] nice one
Batman: [over the comms] what are you DOING?
Red Robin: Hi B. There's a couple in the building across from us who're having a huge fight. We're giving them voices.
Red Hood: [in his fake voice] Look at all these papers! These papers that I'm waving around! Look at them!!
Red Robin: [as "Dolores"] Well if you love your papers so much why don't you MARRY THEM?
Red Robin: I HATE YOU! I have always hated you! and what's more- I HATE your MOTHER.
Red Hood: [gasps] MY MOTHER IS A SAINT AND A GIFT TO MANKIND
Red Robin: YOUR MOTHER IS A DECREPIT OLD WHORE
Red Hood: I WILL- DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME DOLORES
Red Robin: [hisses] Whenever the Mets play, I wish they would lose.
Red Hood: [gasps] YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?? ME -the man who obviously bought every piece of Mets Merch known to man and display them in every room of our apartment like a tool?! HOW COULD YOU??!
Red Robin: Well what are you gonna do about it? HUH?
Red Hood: WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO! I'M GONNA TAKE THIS GUN- [breaks character] Ohmygod he's got a gun! Shit fuck moving out
Red Robin: We're coming Dolores!
Batman: ...[stares unseeingly at the sky]
Oracle: Aw man, and it was just getting good too.
Okay, so. Can I just say that I sat here rolling around in laughter having a hard time finishing this? I got halfway through and had to take a break to get some air back into my lungs. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did!
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