3000 words was easy
So I thought I would have to raise the bar. Honestly I admire the determination to try to prove how much you care about me. That honestly says more than just saying you care or any kind of gift. You're not just all talk and I guess with all I've been through it's hard to earn my trust. But you proved that you mean what you say and that goes a very long way in my eyes. Even before you wrote me an essay, I had really good vibes coming from you. Some people may think "That's silly relying on a feeling" but, they've never been wrong to me. I could tell you were a very genuine person just by the simple fact that you didn't hesitate to talk and have an actual conversation. Even if it wasn't something you were familiar with you asked about and were sincerely interested. If you the type of person to have a one word response I never would be talking to you right now. Right away, when I started talking to you, you peeked my interest. I wouldn't say I believe in love at first sight, because sometimes you don't really see a person for who they truly are until down the line. But I do believe in falling in love the first time you see who a person really is. And I'm not saying I can read you like a book cause that would be a lie. You tell me just what I need to know to understand and I'm happy with the rest being a mystery. Over time I'll surely learn more. But as is, I'm content. That's the simplest way I can put it.
I'm content with the fact that as much as I may be getting attached to you, so I'm willing to show you who I really am piece by piece, I'm not the only one who see's something great. You look at me differently than I look at myself, in a way that gives me hope. You don't look at my cigarettes as me tearing time off the end of my already limited lifetime. You don't look in my eyes and see the pain behind them, you see right through to the hope. You read my face like you're already familiar with it. Now if I'm just living in a dream, don't bother waking me up. Cause I want to live this dream. Everything feels surreal. You look at me like you're lucky to have me, in a way I used to wish someone would look at me. A way that I used to look at people who never looked at me the same and the way I'm starting to look at you. I mean honestly, sometimes I just look at you and smile. I haven't felt that kind of joy in a long time. You don't see the way I talk to my friends as crossing any lines. You don't mind my sailors tongue as I cuss away or that I have no hesitation to speak what's on my mind. And honestly anything I look down on myself for you find some way to make it a positive. Like how I don't like my smile, but it brings you genuine joy. Or how my mind will start to go off on a tangent and you'll snap me back into reality. But I feel like that last one works both ways, as it should be.
You deal with my shit, and as much as you tell me that's not a problem, it's not easy. I ramble on about ridiculous things and you just go with it. I'm easy distracted and I suck at responding sometimes. Also I get lost in my head and memories that I don't discuss, instead they've just been suppressed. But you don't look at the inner demons I have, or the things that will always haunt me. You look at the potential in me and the person who I thought was gone forever, who I've wanted to be this whole time. The person just striving to be happy and make people happy at the same time. Of course there will be struggles along the way, but I know you have faith in me to get through it and what more do I really need to know.
Not to mention, you don't restrict me like some people try to. You think it's funny when I joke around about Glenn and I being lovers although it would never happen. You might get a little frustrated with it, but you don't get mad that I disappear for long periods of time because I have not much choice. You deal with the fact that I can be mysterious and I rather enjoy life that way. That I never want there to be a dull moment. And when it gets dull, I get awkward. Yes, I said it, as much as I tease you about being awkward, I can be too.
I'm sorry in advanced if I corrupt you, I really just have that effect on people I suppose. I don't mean to, but you could tell rather quickly that I'm not innocent and you see no problem with that. I've honestly already seen you change a little and it hasn't been all that long, like you telling me you're facing your fears of public places that I find is kinda cute because I used to be like that. Also, how you've started to become comfortable around my friends, and realize that they wouldn't be my friends if they weren't cool. Also, there's so much more that I can already see you accomplishing in the time to come. Sometimes it seems like your less afraid of life because of me, and although I would never take credit for what you've done, that makes me really happy. Like I can actually provide some kind of ray of hope in a persons life, even if it's just the extra nude when they were on the verge of doing it, it fees good. And honestly, as time goes on I start to get more confidence as well.
It's nice to have someone who is a lot like me, is into a lot of the same things as me and shares a lot of the same views. Yet, there's still enough different to keep it interesting. From the music we liked that nobody had really heard of to our long conversations about comics and sometimes even how we think about life. Of course there are parts of me that you don't understand, and some parts that I honestly hope you never do, we are more alike than we are different. Even if we seem from a distance like polar opposites and people have said it doesn't make sense how an innocent quiet girl began talking to such an outgoing trouble-making misfit of a guy like me, they just haven't looked close enough to really understand the situation.
I admire that you're still rather innocent compared to me, even if you deny it and I tease you about because that's just how I am there's something beautiful about it. Like, how I can look in your eyes and feel a sense of worry fading away for a while. How the problems I ponder in my head for lengths of time I've lost count of just melt and all I can think of is "wow".
And it's not just you seeing the best in what I see as my worst flaws, I see it in you too. You always say you're having a bad hair day and I tell you that you're crazy. You get frustrated with yourself when you get awkward about something but I honestly just try to help you break the ice. You seem like the kind of person that doesn't like people seeing your smile, but it's honestly a joy just to know you're smiling. And the laugh that often accompanies your lovely grin is like a melody, one that I could listen to all day. Many people hate their laugh, but there's no way I could hate yours. I'll be honest I'm not much a fan of mine. But you enjoy it, you even enjoy listening to my voice in a late night phone call until we fall asleep. And honestly it helps me rest easy. For a while, I stopped dreaming but recently, I'm started again. It almost feels like the symphony I had playing in my head moving day to day had gone silent, but you somehow pushed the orchestra to go on again. And I could never thank you properly for that. I guess in a way, this is a small part of my thank you for that, and the rest of the thank you is in the time that follows this.
I know I already tell you all the time that you're beautiful, and that you're a cutie and you make my day but I could think of a thousand words just off top of my head at any given moment to describe you. It honestly is just really easy to talk to you and I don't have to hesitate saying anything honest because you never do anything that honestly offends me. I'm sure down the line it will happen but I have faith in you to be able to discuss it and sweep it out of the way quickly. And honestly that's just one more thing that makes me feel lucky to have you in my life. The fact that you're always there for me to talk to is really helpful. Even if you haven't been in any kind of situation like some of mine, I can describe to you what happened without telling you how I feel about and you would reach the same conclusion. I suppose great minds simply think alike.
It's funny how before now I wouldn't even consider myself a great mind, but just a person, floating through life looking for purpose and feeling like potential but nothing yet. I guess I still do to a point and always will, just because it's me trying to push myself to do more, but you make me feel as if I can, will, and have done something already.
Simple things to me mean a lot, for I'm just a simple creature. But you seem to understand that very well. No need to over-complicate things or overthink, because you know I'll always be the same straight forward person as time goes on. And I don't mind having to remind you of things just so you're sure cause I repeat things anyway and if that ever gets annoying I'm very sorry in advance.
Now, I'll go over the very cliche things, the types of things you would see in tumblr posts. Like: "When girls are shorter than you" and "When you're hand simply feel like a good match being linked together". But I'll try to keep this part short. I like that when I kiss you, it's always interesting. It's a mutual "I want this to happen" kind of feeling. And some people may think "No shit" but it's more than I can really put to words. I think it's cute how I can just randomly pick you up and be like "I'm going and I'm taking you with me" and you think it's adorable. But I think more than anything you're the one that's adorable. The fact that we could be hanging out and I'll mention an old classic movie that you don't know and you're okay with the fact that I make you watch it. It's awesome that we both enjoy listening to and playing music, even if we both have a bit of stage fright even when it's just us. But maybe that will go away soon as I get more comfortable around you.
Speaking of cheesy great movies, I'm glad that we can make like zombie-land and (rule 32) enjoy the little things. Simple things like laying in a field like some kind of cheesy Hollywood movie, or hanging out with a group of friends, or even Jesse Eisenberg movies. As time goes on I'm gonna make you watch cheesy movies with me on VHS because nothing is better than classic movies on terrible quality cassette tapes. And I'm gonna make you play classic games cause I realize there are a lot of games that you haven't played that I've honestly spent too much time playing that I think you should enjoy. Enjoy the little things. Hopefully you don't think I'm lame for things like this, it's just things that have brought joy to my life over the 17 years I've been alive that I hope you can enjoy too.
Speaking of enjoy, I enjoy going on long rants, things that are only ironically enjoyable. Like when I get salty I ramble on about the most ridiculous things and so far you haven't seen it as a bother and I honestly hope it stays that way. It's how I cheer myself up in a sense. I suppose I just try not to take life too seriously unless it's a serious issue. So in advance, I'm a silly person with silly traits and silly ways of looking at life but that's just who I am an I appreciate that you accept that, and even admire it. I would say thank you for putting up with my bullshit, but I know you would tell me it isn't bullshit if it matters to me. And for once, I'll admit that I'm happy someone sees it that way instead of just agreeing it's bullshit but it's okay.
Honestly, I was scared to get attached to someone again, after everything that has happened I didn't think that I'd be able to commit to anything for fear of getting my heart broken. After all, a heart can only break so many time before it stops loving, and just keeps you kind of alive. But you've made me realize that, even if the worst happens and it won't work out, that I'd be content. Content to have had you there to make so many memories. Content with the fact that of all the people you could have chose to do all of these simple things with, you chose (as I see it) an out of the ordinary, and sadistic human being like me. Someone who makes no sense sometimes, and has blurred views of right and wrong. But even if I think I'm corrupting you into becoming more like me, maybe it's working both ways. Like, how you're slowly becoming less innocent, I'm slowly becoming more down to earth and calm while maintaining my rambunctious and chaotic old self. Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle and it will be a good happy medium. They do say that opposites attract.
Perhaps it will be eye opening, I might start seeing things a little differently with you around, and I already kind of have been. For a long time I would dream every night, until that part of me died. But lately I've been dreaming again. Maybe that's just some kinda coincident but I ponder on these sorts of things on occasion. I don't know what causes people to dream but I do know that when I have no grip on what life means I just don't dream. At least, I don't remember them. And during the period of time where I didn't really dream, all I would occasionally have was nightmares, but I haven't had one since we started talking and right before I had a reoccurring one but it ended differently. It ended with a red door. I'm a little superstitious, especially when it comes to dreams, and a red door usually signifies something great happening soon. Last time I had a dream with a red door I found out one of my good friends was out of jail and since then we got very close and he's helped me through a lot. I hope you can deal with some of my odd superstitions. I don't believe in throwing spilled salt over my shoulder, but I believe in things like karma and everything happens for a reason.
I'm getting distracted here though, I'm supposed to be talking about you. You, and how fucking amazing you are. I'm talking to you on the phone right now and you have no idea what I'm typing but you don't bother asking because you know you'll just get some mysterious answer until I decide to show you. You're just calmly reading your book as I type away. I would say something but you just seem so peaceful, and I don't want to interrupt that. I hope you like surprises because I'm going to do this a lot. Also, you do it to me too so if you didn't you'd be a hypocrite. And I'd be okay with that, but you would still just have to deal with it.
I could probably go on about this for days to be honest, just random things about you. The other night you asked me why I was laughing, and now I can tell you. I was thinking about what I was gonna say when writing this. Thinking about how I could have easily and without hesitation rambled on and on about how great you were right then and there. But I wanted you to be able to look at it all at once, because that's what you made me do. In a sense, I guess I'm turning this into a bit of a playful game. You wrote 3000 words for me to see, and I just had to one up you. I play fair though, I wouldn't give myself any unfair advantages. The only unfair advantage I have is that it's so easy to just ramble on about you because I already think about you a lot, but I know that goes both ways as well. I've already passed 3,000 but I still have a little more to say.
Whatever happens, thank you. For the time you've spent talking to me, the time we've spent together, the time we will spend together, and everything between me and you that will happen, as well as the things you've done to affect me and that will affect me in the future. Thank you or being so easy to talk to and coming out of your awkward little shell to hold a conversation with me. And regardless of what the future holds whether it's going down in flames, going down gently, or riding on in life (saving the best option for last), I appreciate you and everything about you and I feel honored that you look at me the way you do. Even if we butt heads down the road and have our disagreements on things, it'll be well worth it. You made me face my fear of getting attached again and I'm glad you did.
Just a plain and simple 3,200 words from me to you, partly because I had a lot to say and partly to one up you, I hope you enjoy.
