❝ people are all just people, right ? when it gets down to it, everyone's the same. they love something. they want something. they f e a r something. specifics help, but specifics don't change the way that everyone is vulnerable . it just changes the way that we access those v u l n e r a b i l i t i e s. // rhee 'min'jun, 29, kingsman, tech specialist
the thudding of seojun’s sneakers against the tiled floor echoed through the hallway, the melancholic sound piercing his eardrums and numbing every fiber in his body. feet feeling heavier with every step he took, as if they were trying to prepare him for whatever was waiting for him on the upper floors of the building.
min was much more than just a best friend, he was his brother. the one who never failed to brighten his day when he was feeling down. the one who didn’t care for the kraken and who had created a safe environment that allowed him to just be himself. seojun didn’t have to pretend with min, the visits usually pleasant and unwinding but lately, they had been filled with worry. that one time seojun had found min completely numbed by the alcohol, walking the fine line between royally pissed and lethargic, still too fresh in mind.
the sight of min completely drained of every kind of emotion as seojun had threatened to break his favorite toy still haunting him in his sleep. fear and solicitude scratching the insides of his stomach to the point where he felt physically sick.
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min's... min's fine, that's what he repeats to himself like a mantra, waking up every day, forcing himself to go to work, get through it all and come back home. then wake up again to go through it all once again. the nightmares hardly make him fall asleep anymore, and he's in a state where he's simply existing, his brain not wanting to be in charge. yet it is, it reminds him of that day again and again, and min hates it — how irrational it all is, that although it has been months, something as small as that incident has managed to make him fall apart so thoroughly. and if you asked him, he'd still deny everything — convinced that he's the same min he always has been. there's nothing wrong with him — so what if he drinks a bit more than usual, and has stopped going out with friends all together. it's his life, he still handles work somewhat — it shouldn't be anyone's concern what goes on in his head.
and the hacker himself isn't even sure what goes in there anymore, it hurts, it hurts to think, it hurts to remember, waking up in that damp corridor again and again with a piece of fucking metal sticking out of him. it's the beginning of every nightmare he has, crawling, helpless, the great mind he has prided himself in for so long — it doesn't help him, nothing can. then he wakes up, and the reality, his awaken moments begin to affect him as well. he's hardly sober these days, only when he wakes up and dumps as much as caffeine he can into a cup — but then he comes back again and drinks himself to sleep. it's the only way he can pass out, have a few hours rest before there's another day ahead. he hasn't turned on his game consoles for weeks, dust adorns every corner of his flat ( he has forgotten to call the cleaning company at some point. ) there are bottles here and there, and min's usually on that damn couch, cigarette smoke causing a mist in the flat, one hand clutching the neck of an alcohol bottle. it's the same routine, and he's tired — he's so tired of playing pretend, so tired of lying to his best friend, so tired of... existing.
it feels like he's stuck, in a place he made for himself, one that he became so accustomed to that he doesn't know how to get out. that feeling of helplessness is ever present, and a part of himself feels guilty — sad when he sees seojun try to meet up more and more with him, when the lines of exhaustion are clear on his face. and how can min dare to add more to seojun's troubles ? hasn't he gone through too much already — min's just — there, tired, battling with whatever this is, when he has no reason to. he hates himself so much because of it, because he has everything — he always had, while seojun was the one to fight hard to survive, whilst being the kindest person min has ever met. seojun’s his family, his brother — combination of it all and more. and min simply can't open up to him just because of that. although he knows he can, he feels selfish, stupid — he should be fine, against all the odds in his life telling him he isn't fine — he should be. logic says so. he has a nice job, a good house, expensive cars, a bank account that will be there forever — he should be fine, so he insists he is fine. he wants to believe he's fine.
excuses come one after another — he tells he's on a diet to explain the sudden weight loss, he tells he has been working overtime due to new deals with foreign companies. the guilt that comes with lying to seojun is just another thing to add to the pile, and min copes with it in the way he copes with everything else. drowns himself in alcohol, cigarettes, trying to forget it all while it's so blatantly obvious that he can't. he has lost track of which day it is for so long now as he sits on the floor by the couch, all lights are dimmed, his head in his hands. the exhaustion is too much — and he fears falling asleep, for he knows it won't be a restful sleep. even the alcohol doesn't seem to stop min from waking up with nightmares, so he finds a solution, in the form of a bottle sitting on the coffee table right in front of him. money unlocks every door there is out there, and min has managed to get himself some sleeping pills, strong ones that come with prescriptions. there's stranger’s name jotted down on the bottle, ( min wouldn't set foot in the hospital after all that happened ) — but he has an eery feeling that this will help.
the house is as silent as it ever is these days — the sound of video games don’t blast through the surround system, every tv is turned off. the house must reek of smoke, min idly thinks, taking a drag of the cigarette as he takes the pill bottle and opens its cap. he's already drunk, many bottles of soju lying on the floor next to him. some are from days ago, some are new, min has no idea. he is curious about how strong the pills are however, whether they will actually stop the nightmares. the man he gave the money to told him they were best, handing him a pamphlet about the pills themselves. it's discarded somewhere in the flat, he isn't even sure. all he knows is the tiredness that has become a part of him, and the fact that maybe this will help him have a good night's rest. he spills some pills to his palm, more than a few, and downs them with the rest of vodka he has left in a bottle. the reality takes a different quality, the pills mixing with the alcohol that was already in his stomach. it cuts his line of thought immediately, which min takes as a good sign. it's not too long after that his head gets heavy, and he rests it back on the couch before falling asleep.
he feels like he's underwater, vaguely aware of someone pulling him up, shaking him, dragging him — but it's so far away that it feels like it's part of a dream. he would say it isn't as bad as his normal nightmares, but the way seojun's face twists sends a pang through his chest. something isn't right — but he doesn't know what. he doesn't know what's going on, and that dreamless sleep is so charming he just wants to let himself go. it feel like it has been years he has slept this well, his mind completely blank against the world.
he wakes up to a pair of fingers in his mouth, a strong figure behind him that continues on talking. min's eyes open wide and he retches, it's the first thing he does. whatever mix there is in his stomach comes up — it's just liquids, alcohol and the pills he just took. it reeks, and prompts him to throw up even more. weak hands clutch the sides of the toilet bowl, tears coming up to his eyes as he retches again. seojun's words register slowly, his mind is too sluggish to begin with, but he's coherent enough to feel disgusting. it takes some time as his body continues to throw up — and when he's done he heaves, his frame shaking.
his eyes close momentarily, and tears are already spilling down his cheeks. the urgency in his best friend's tone is too much — and it suddenly feels like everything breaks down. right there, on the floor of his bathroom, he begins to sob, spitting whatever's left in his stomach before turning around and burying his face in seojun's shirt. he doesn't know what to do — he's scared — he doesn't — he didn't mean — and he's voicing all of those as he thinks, without even realizing he's speaking. "i'm sorry — i'm so sorry — i don't — i didn't — i'm —" he chokes up, words are a mess that make no sense at all. he's thoroughly disgusting, whatever that's on his face is on seojun's shirt now but he is too panicked to care, too strung out — shocked, upset. millions of emotions run through his mind, and min battles to handle them all at once.
“alright,” he speaks up again, turning around to face min for the first time again since they made it to the floor and motioning at the window. “through here, jump down to the fire escape and head for the getaway car. if you make it and i’m not right behind you, just drive off.” his words are spoken quickly but he keeps a pointed look on the hacker to make sure everything is understood. “do you still remember where it is?”
as he asks that question, he feels the first drop of blood fall from his sleeve. a quick shift of his posture makes it land on his shoe, so as to not leave a trail on the ground, but as he looks down, he does see the blood starting to cover his hand. “you leave now,” is all he still says, using his blood-free hand to give the hacker a little push in the direction of the window.
min's still winded from the drop down, adrenaline is high in his veins, blood has rushed to his ears. a part of him wants to calm down, but even he knows they are hardly out of the woods yet, they still need to get out — properly. the guards know that they have gotten to the main room and gotten the info they wanted. there's no doubt that they will be searching for them, and much to min's dismay, the guards aren't as dumb as he would have liked. the whine that falls from his lips is cut short by jun's words — and they are more than enough to shut him up. his hesitance upstairs probably cost them time and risked the mission alongside their lives. and even though min has been whining through it all, he feels guilty about it, though it doesn't overcome how annoyed by the entirety of this. they are fine and in one piece, he has the computer, the data — and even though there have been some bumps in the road, they are fine. however, he just decides not to whine anymore, not wanting to make jun's job any harder than he already did.
so, keeping his mouth shut, he follows the taller male navigate through the hallways with ease. min had pulled up the blueprints prior to the mission, and jun seems to have memorized them all, while the hacker only knew the higher floors. he thanks him in his head, but doesn't voice it out loud — it's obvious it's not needed anyway. instead, he moves as quick as he can, his eyes and ears alert if there are any other guards around. there doesn't seem to be any, which is surely a good sign, but not good enough to ensure more won't come barging in any second. he isn't sure where jun's taking them when they enter a room, but once again, keeping his mouth shut seems to be the best way to go with, plus, he's genuinely tired of running by that point.
he listens carefully, his lips pursing as he realizes the indications of it. there's a high possibility that the agent might not come after him, and even though min's a selfish prick, it doesn't settle that well with him. then again, he simply nods. "i know where it is." there's another moment of hesitance there, one that lasts only two or three seconds. then the push comes his way, and he decides not to interfere. hopefully, the agent will follow him, and that'll be it. "see you on the flipside then —" and he shortly jumps up the windowsill to the fire escape, quickly climbing down the stairs. it takes some time before his feet meet the ground, and he begins to run after that too, heading towards the getaway vehicle. it isn't too close yet still not far, and it takes him a few minutes before he makes it there, unlocks it with his watch. getting inside the driving seat, he finally looks at the way he ran from and hopes to see the agent there.
“thanks a lot, man, i appreciate it,” wei speaks into the phone as min says he’ll be right over, then puts the thing into his pocket again and just kind of stands there looking at the smoke still trickling out of the computer block as if there are smouldering coles inside the thing.
by the time min makes it to the office, he’s taken a half-seat on one of the other desks in the room, keeping proper distance and not touching anything as he had been instructed to do. instantly breaking out into a wide, relieved smile upon spotting the other male, wei gets up again to get closer just in case min needs him to give a hand or explain what had happened - for as far as he has any idea about that, of course.
he can’t help the light chuckle that gets pulled from him at min’s incredulous words, shrugging his shoulders lightly and bringing up his hands in a sort of defence.
“i didn’t do anything with it, i just came in and started using the computer as usual. it was a little slow but they do that sometimes, you know?” he blinks at the waft of smoke coming out of the computer block as min opens the case. “definitely didn’t light it on fire myself,” he states in a confident tone of voice, before trying to peer into the device.
“perhaps someone else plugged something in the wrong way? or maybe it’s just old.. how old are these things anyway?” it’s a kind of rhetorical question, as wei gives min the space he needs to do his job, watching from a distance and considering what he can do to help - nothing much, really.
“do you think it’s still fixable?”
it's not that min doesn't believe wei, he's just surprised — surprised that the computer tower began to malfunction in such way to emit smoke. it's not something completely unfamiliar, he has seen his fair share of technological devices not working properly, but this — it is unexpected, to say the least. computers tend to just not work, or glitch rather than slowly burn inside. min's curious more than anything though, and it doesn't take long before he pulls the monitor and ac cables off the back of the tower, pulling it towards himself when it's free.
he slides back a little before he tips it to side, beginning to unscrew the bolts so he can see the inside of it. a laugh leaves his lips at wei's words, and he pauses to scratch his head as he replies. "well — maybe. unless someone forcefully plugged a cable into a mismatching socket, it really shouldn't do this. normally it just doesn't work, instead of releasing smoke." however, he's still in surprisingly good spirits, one hand working with ease and putting the screws to side.
"i'm sure it is. maybe we'll change a few parts, but it's probably not about the entirety of the pc, it'll be fine —" he's confident about this, numerous pcs having gone through his hands. he can disassemble and assemble both desktops and laptops without breaking a sweat, so this — it shouldn't be a difficult feat. "i have some questions though — did it make any kind of noise ? any at all — can be a loud grumble, or a few small consecutive noises. how did the fan sound at first ? oh — and was the smoke white or black ?"
the questions follow one another, and he does his best to stop himself from sounding snappy. because he isn't. it's just that min tends to switch to that mindset fairly quickly, so he reminds himself that this is wei, a good friend that he is somewhat fond of.
I was taught young how to be stone-cold, self-reliant, to hold myself high and poised, with a ready smile and a subtle charm ready to conquer the world. So I learned from early on to only cry behind close doors, on dim lights, without sound, to howl in pain silently, to break down without anyone knowing, and to never ask for help. Because when no one sees you suffering, do you really suffer? Much like, when a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? I can always just pretend that whatever pains me never happened, and I can always go back and face the world pretending I’m okay.
the music's loud, blasting through the speakers, a repetitive rhythm that helps put min's mind at ease. it causes a headache building at his temples, but the mix of that and alcohol is good to slow down his thoughts, which have been plaguing him for some time. the dark nightclubs like this, sitting in a vip corner with people surrounding him, all there because min's paying. it's familiar, welcomed — many distractions that the hacker's fond of. he doesn't fool himself that these people are around him because of his sparkling personality, but the mere fact that he's rich, and sometimes fun to be around. the scales have been tilting towards the direction of the former as of lately, min too out of it to crack jokes as he used to.
the people don't seem to mind however, there's always personalities big enough to talk others’ ears off. even at a place like this, where it's a feat to hear one another, min watches one of the boys trying to impress the ladies, talking about his father's yacht and how they have upgraded it a few days ago. there are people around like him too, boys from rich families, boasting about nothing but money. they attract each other like flies, and once again — this is familiar, this is what min was born into, and even though the majority of his life is different from these idiots, he knows there are many things they have in common.
however, it still gets boring, and min finds that even bottles of alcohol can't make this boy interesting. and since it's still to early to get black-out drunk ( which he will be as the night goes on, but not just yet ) — he excuses himself, murmuring an excuse that doesn't reach anyone's ears. he can do what he wants, and even though the girl that had hooked her arm around his shoulders gives him a frown, min doesn't pay it much mind. he walks to the bar, orders some kind of vodka cocktail, the bartender too eager to fulfill his wish. it's then that a familiar voice reaches his ears, and he turns around, his eyes widening. he hadn't thought he would stumble into the trainee that night.
and he can't help himself from reaching out, tapping on the girls' shoulder, a grin on his face. he doesn't know what to expect from doing that, especially since their last encounter didn't go all that well. but still, it's clear that the girl's much more interesting than the boy who had been rambling on and on. when he gets yoora's attention, he speaks. "what are the odds — is it your day off ?"
it's blatantly clear that sungil and min aren't on good terms, and that's probably the best way to put it. min's sure the other hates his guts, and if it weren't for the fact that they were colleagues, sungil would surely try to get back to him in some way. the thing is, min can't blame him much either, he would be just as pissed if he was in his shoes. be that as it may, the hacker isn't particularly feeling guilty about it either — if not for the fact that sungil found out. he knows he would do it again, run a background check on anyone and everyone, simply because he can.
after the 'incident' he doesn't expect to see sungil around just as much, besides anything mandatory that agency puts them up to. but then, he learns sungil's an agent now, and that surely will mix things up, speaking of which, even the thought of it is enough to make it groan. because min didn't mind the younger's presence, hell, he kind of liked it at times — but they're in a situation now, one that he can't fix — or well, won't fix. all he hoped was to not get assigned as his tech agent on a mission, but as life does so often, that's exactly what happens.
he sits in a van a few streets away from the corporation building they are targeting, and their interaction so far has been curt, and min can sense sungil's displeasure already. and to be fair, min isn't all too fond of it either. he clicks away on his computers, the communication headphones on as he watched sungil make his entry. it's easy at first to get through the door, however, the challenge will start soon enough since sungil's gonna need to access employee-only levels. and luckily for them, min has copied one for the first two levels, but for anything higher than that, sungil's gonna need to pickpocket.
"the clearance-three employees seem to be having lunch, do you think you can swipe the card then ?" he asks, checking the security cameras to find the weakest link.
“hello, min? it’s wei. look, i’m sorry for disturbing you, i know you must be really busy and i always hate to impose, but i have this little issue here with a computer in…” his eyes dart over to the door, attempting to remember which office he’s in. “3.A5. i was working on the computer and it was really slow, then all of a sudden smoke started to come out of the tower.”
his voice is as calm as ever, but he’s quick to add a reassuring: “i already pulled the plug, so if you’re really busy you don’t have to come right away but i’d appreciate the help.”
he feels good to be back in the office, in front of his giant screens, next to a too big cup of coffee he bought on the way to work. it's still going to take some time to get used to it — well, mentally — his hands work as fast they always do, his brain has no difficult picking where he left off. yet some irrational ( human ), part of him has felt odd when he sat on that chair again. but this gives him that sense of normality again, that everything is as it's used to be in kingsman, agents off in missions getting into trouble, and annoying min endlessly as they do so.
it's more draining than he thought as an agent barely makes it out of the building, and it takes some time before they can secure the route to the safe house. min, of course, bickers through it, chiding the agent for not doing just as he has told. it would run a lot more smoothly — or well, as smooth as breaking and entering could be — with minor slumps. not the situation the agent ended up in, which was short of a catastrophe if you asked min. then again, he has always been more on the dramatic side. the ragged breathing over the comms make him sigh, and once the agent makes it to the safe house, he makes sure there's a civil medic waiting for them. "please do what i say next time, alright ? get yourself patched up. brief back tomorrow morning." and with that he turns off the comms, letting a long sigh and fighting the urge to put his head down.
after a long gulp of the coffee, he has a moment of calmness before the phone rings. a part of min is already annoyed at the noise, thinking it's an agent again that's going to ask him yet another dumb question. contrary to popular belief, he is not an it guy, and people should at least turn the thing on and off before bothering him. the caller id makes the annoyance disappear however — and that alone is probably a good indication of how much favoritism goes into his thinking process. wei has always been really nice, polite — and min isn't an asshole to people without any reason. sometimes with little reason yes, but wei has never given him any, and with time, he has begun to like the younger. which is saying a lot.
he picks up the call immediately, and the problem itself is enough to shock him. "how did that happen —" the hacker lets out, with no bite, but something more of a concern and pure curiosity. "yeah yeah, i'll be right there. just don't — touch anything else." it sounds urgent, so he pockets his phone and takes a small kit before leaving his office. he doesn't even know if they are needed, though the problem is probably serious enough for it.
soon enough, min locates the office and steps inside, a bit of an incredulous look on his face as he actually sees the thin line of smoke leaving the computer case. "wow — i — i haven't seen something like that since robotics lessons." he lets out with a laugh before he heads inside, kneels down and pulls the case from where it was, so that he can open it and try to locate the problem. "what were you doing with it ? did you plug something in the wrong hole maybe ?"
*taps mic* heya folks ~ i hope that gif is enough to trick u into plotting with MIN because he’s an ˗ˏˋ 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓁𝑒 ˎˊ˗ (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ehem, quick introduction here, i’m kay, 18, reside in the gmt+3 timezone and would die for any of u ! no joking there my fam, i love u all sm. now, if you want to know about this prick, i have a bio over HERE and some wanted plots over HERE. when it comes to threads before the revamp, i’ll be messaging ppl about them, and if you haven’t received one, that probably means it’s dropped ? but if you want to keep any of them, don’t hesitate to hit me up, i’d def love that ! you can contact me from tumblr ims, but more preferably from disc.rd at kay#5119 ~ if u want to plot ( pls ), feel free to hit me up as well, or hit that like button below and i’ll magically appear in ur dms ! love y’all xxx
it had a regular day - regular as he tries to make it, even though after several meetings he’s been painfully reminded of the imminence of his graduation. he can’t stay a trainee forever, but he’s not ready. with jitae gone, his friend circle has dwindled to a small handful - sungil is known, appreciated, but people don’t put up with him just because he’s fun, not anymore. he’s not ready for his reality check even though he keeps telling himself it’s all going to be alright.
but this-
he’s not sure if he’d ever needed this.
min, going through his files, the classified ones, the ones his uncle had buried so painstakingly so no one would know what sungil had been hiding.
he’s not sure if the nonchalant dismissal bothers him more than the act itself, but sungil is seething, can barely hold himself back. if he was younger, still his old self, he would have lunged at min, would have tried to tear out his throat, but he can’t do that. he knows better, knows he shouldn’t, even if he wants to.
“no min, it is not what you do, it is not your job to be snooping around in other people’s files, it is not your job to dig up things that you have no fucking right to look at.”
he sucks in a deep breath, speaking louder now. “just- just why? i thought we were friends, friends don’t go digging up each other’s shit when they’ve both, made it clear that the past is the past. i haven’t gone looking through your shit, have i?”
min feels uncomfortable, as if a child caught in the act of trying to steal from a cookie jar — it's not a direct experience from his childhood, for he preferred smashing expensive vases instead, but he's sure it's the same emotion that he feels right then. shameful doesn't cut it however, min's never shameful of his actions, his curiosity, the deeds he does that are hardly legal. this is one of those times, but he realizes that he should have thought better about this one, or at least hid it better so that the other wouldn't find out so easily.
he doesn't know how to explain it either, for there isn't a better explanation than the fact that he was curious, and he could do it. most of the things in his life are done because he saw it as a challenge, and this was exactly that, done without a thought about how sungil would feel about it. min's not considerate, he knew that much, but it would be a lie to say he doesn't feel bad to see how affected sungil is. he never hated sungil, even the opposite perhaps — and it wasn't about pissing him off either, just a conquest he picked up that day to see if he could do it.
it does piss him off, however, the feeling of being pushed into a corner, or just being subjected to someone's anger. although he feels apologetic, min doesn't do emotions, he isn't the one to apologize quickly to everyone. "oh come on — don't act like you are any better for a second. are you telling me you wouldn't read my file if it was right there in front of you to read ?" he counters, possibly making it any worse, but seojun isn't there to stop him this time.
"it had nothing to do with you — i do this to everyone -— it has nothing to do with how i feel about you — it's just — it's just what i do. not necessarily my job- — but it is what i do. don't act like you know anything about me."
it depends on what the emergency is, because min wants to keep the people he loves as far away as he can from danger. and honestly, danger usually revolves around him, let it be in the shape of kingsman or his own past and misdeeds. he won’t call someone unless he absolutely needs to, but there are a few people listed as his emergency contact in his file. if he ends up in the hospital for the worse, he is too self-indulgent to go through that alone. the people are as follows: seojun is the first one, his best friend and basically his own family. min wouldn’t bother adding his actually family anyways, they don’t know anything about his life, secret or otherwise. second one obviously be jinhwan, not so far from the first. they are friends and something much more. he never managed to keep him away as he should have, and their game of push and pull never seem to stop. the third one is joohyun. they spend a lot of time together, and although it might seem superficial to others, min trusts her a lot, and sees her as a dear friend. he knows she would be there, and so would he in a situation like that.
yes. they are pretty recent since he doesn’t eat or sleep well, something always in his mind, the memories somehow so fresh that they still mess him up. he feels too much sometimes, and the attempts at numbing them down while acting like everything is alright is so, so tiring. he goes to work, drinks himself to do point of passing out, and wakes up to go to work again. he’s a shell of his former self, the clothes too big and dark circles prominent under his eyes. when he hasn’t slept at all in the last few days, he feels like it would be much easier if he just wasn’t there anymore, so that the thoughts would finally stop. everything just feels so intense, and he needs something to forget it all.
there’s little difference for him between a sunny and stormy day. he doesn’t do many activities outside, goes to work and comes back home by car, the clubs or bar he goes to are all indoors anyways. one difference would be that he couldn’t sit and smoke outdoors on restaurants, which does bug him quite a lot. other than that, he does get nostalgic sometimes, but it’s more likely for him not to even notice it’s raining a few hours later when he decides to look at his window mid-game.
he hates it. he hates it with a strong passion. working freelance was something he got used to, loving the freedom, that he decided what to do himself. it’s the main reason why he had problems with kingsman at the beginning: he needed to learn and not talk back to his seniors. he’s better at it now, he doesn’t reply back as he used to. that’s only during work though, if anyone outside of work tries to make him do something, they should get ready for his wrath. he’ll go out of his way to do just the opposite in spite, and don’t try to trick him either or he’ll spread the information the person’s hiding from the world.
right now he’s still plagued with the memory of being stuck under the debris back during the attacks, the rocks pinning him down, the blood and water around him. the memories he has pushed deep down since then have started to come back in full force in the last few weeks, and min is still not ready to deal with them. his coping mechanisms are not healthy in the least, and whenever he wakes up with a nightmare of something similar to that, he’s left shaking, covered in sweat, clutching at phantom wounds and sheets under him. he just wants to numb everything down, to forget it ever happened.
although it doesn’t happen very often, there are a few things. one of them is upsetting his friends, and while he normally is very cold and uncaring of others’ feelings, he’ll feel like absolute shit if he manages to hurt those very few people. besides that, he questions himself when he has troubles when it comes to his job. if he has problems with getting through a firewall or any kind of system, he’ll push himself harder and harder. so far it has worked, but it makes him furious.
as unfazed as he likes to seem, it would be a lie to say that he doesn’t feel any kind of remorse over ditching his teammates back in the us. there weren’t any strong emotional bonds between them, but min’s moral compass isn’t so off to say that it was a dignified move. it saved his ass however, so he knows he would do the same all over again if he had to. it’s another reason why he knows he’s not a good person. as a matter of fact, he know’s he’s horrible. not that he needed any more reasons though. he’ll just keep what he did hidden, locked and deleted off every bit of data, so that people don’t know that side of him. he doesn’t want his friends to know, because he doesn’t know whether they would continue to be next to him after hearing it.
saying that there’s lightness for every darkness makes everything sound optimistic, so no, min doesn’t believe in that. he’s a realist, or more of a pessimist really, and if you ask him anything philosophical, he’ll scoff and tell you to get lost. truth is, he doesn’t believe that hoping for the best, or simply hoping will do him any good. if something shitty happens it happens, there isn’t good in the world to save people in bad times, nor there is any higher power for him. if it’s bad, it’s bad, and if it’s good, it’s good. he internalizes in his head without anyone realizing, and he’ll fix it if he can. and if it isn’t something he can fix… there’s always alcohol and some pills for that.
he’ll say no if you ask him, but a part of him still might, depending on how not himself he is. a rational, sober min wouldn’t believe in something as simple as a wish ( as said above, he doesn’t believe in higher good ) — but if it’s an emotionally compromised and drunk min, he will wish for everything to settle, that the people he loves will finally get the happiness they deserve. then he’ll swear at himself and go to his computer to fuck up whoever he thinks might be responsible for that.
it happens rarely, very rarely, but if he calls someone in time of need ( which he absolutely hates doing ), it means he trusts them completely. his familiar insults directed at everyone will be more… affectionate to these people, no bite behind them at all. normally they’re meant to degrade or at least upset the other, but he won’t be able to do that with people he likes. trust takes a lot more than that, and the only way someone will know min trusts them is whether he calls them about something they can help with. and even talking a bit about his past ( the non-dangerous parts ) is also an indication enough.
janainaart
stormborns
blakekathryn
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