Delirious Desire

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

[khaizarin]

Fine. You win. I give up.

[khaizarin]

Dear life.

I know you and I have had our differences, and that it feels like I'm not living you the way I should, but I am close to my breaking point. I am too stretched thin to deal with coworkers that can't draw basic conclusions or listen to what I'm saying. I'm always the one fixing the mistakes, if they are mine or not.

But still you test me, still you push. You give me help that is trying to teach me how to do my job, you give me bills I cannot pay, rent that keeps going up, problems that require me to be in more than two places at once. If I had been well, this wouldn't have been a problem, but life... I am not well. I am tired.

Tired of fighting to find myself outmatched and outnumbered.

Tired of spending reserve energy on not crumbling where I stand.

Tired of dishes, washing clothes, washing floors, cooking, when I have spent the entire day at work or passed out on the bed.

I'm not saying I want to give up on you, but I fear I need a break, and I don't know how to get one. If I go on a sick leave, it messes with my treatments. If I don't, I might not make it to my treatments. If I quit my job, I have to start again. If I keep going, there will be nothing left of me.

So what do you want of me, dear life? Do you want me insane? If so, you're doing it wrong. I'm too tired to go insane. I'm too exhausted to fight much more.

Dear life... keep this up, and I will lose you for good. Not by my will, but because I simply cannot fight much longer.

I'm soon done. Done in by it all, overrun by all the shit that has been thrown at me.

Yes, it could be worse. I know so many people whose situations are worse than mine, but I have no more energy to give you.

So, dear life, this is me telling you I have no idea how to fix this. Tell me what I can do, and I will do it, but I need an answer that is a black and white answer. Tell me what to do, because this guess work is getting me no where.

And if you truly want me to get the fuck out, then let me know, so I can tell you to shove your demands where the sun doesn't shine.

-Kai.

[khaizarin]

I wish I could sleep for a week, then spend 2 more just doing fuck all.

[khaizarin]

That moment when the Norwegian word for masturbation sounds like a Japanese sport or hobby...

Onani

[khaizarin]

Rl rant

I started this day by not going to bed, in order to go to the doctor and figure out what is wrong with me. The last few days/weeks, I have been so tired I have fallen asleep in the middle of things, and when I wake up, I can't make sense of anything around me.

A language I am fluent in, turned into Polish or Russian, or both. I have been unable to seperate dreams from reality, and it has taken hours to wake up. Even then, I am tired again within just a few hours.

So I decided to take my problems to a doctor. Concerned at the severity of my sleep issues, he wrote papers so that I can rest for the rest of the week.

But even so, while I was happy for a while about having a valid claim to my ailment, when I told my boss, I felt useless. Like he was judging me for not being better or capable of working despite my illness. And now I wonder why I do that to myself.

Of course, I know the answer, but it bothers me. Why can't my brain just make up its damned mind?

[khaizarin]

Me: Kindergarten. I'm glad I have some restraint. I saw this in a gaming group on FaceBook, and this is what I wanted to reply....

[khaizarin]

Random Jack the Ripper thoughts

While catching up on The Flash, and learning the origin story to The Thinker, I had a lot of side thoughts involving Jack the Ripper. Now, I don't remember word by word what was said during the Ripper reveal, but my brain took me down the path of analyzing the theory and then going on a rant.

I won't rant now, but I want to point out a few things that always bother me with the most popular theories.

A lot of Americans I have talked to about this, are avid fans of the theory of Jack going across the ocean to the Americas. But the problem with this theory is that the suspect is a butcher, and the Ripper removed his victims's organs with surgical precision. A butcher might be good with a knife, but the medical training required for that was not available to just anyone in those days.

Which was the first thing I thought when the Thinker mentioned the barber. Same thing goes here. You had to have medical training to even know where each organ was.

Then he mentioned something about a female, and her profession was either a nurse or something equally as common, and while I like the outside-the-box thinking and it being a female, the bottom line here is still the medical background. To my knowledge, women weren't allowed to become surgeons or have a professional importance at the time, which a medical background would have had to give her.

Which then brought me to the grapes.

Grapes were not a common item at that day and age, which means the ripper had to have money or come from money.

And it is hard for me to understand how theorists can ignore one or both of these facts.

But what do I know? I'm not educated in this field, and I'm just thinking as I type.

That is it.

You can go on with your day now.

Shoo.

[sixpenceee]

Five Stages cupcake by Claire Ratcliffe

[chimericalcynosure]

By Caitlin Hackett

[cherryirises-deactivated2020042]

@ all of my followers who use the mobile tumblr app!!!

please go to “General Settings” then to “Dashboard Preferences” and turn off “Best Stuff First”. This is killing artist exposure! Please, please, PLEASE, turn it off if you really do love the artists you follow! You’d be helping us so much! Please reblog this so that more people may know!

[psshaw]

Oh, hell. It took me forever to realize this was predominately on mobile. This whole time I thought the app was just being buggy per usual.

[julescandraw]

do it for the artists.

[fleshmaid3n-deactivated20201226]

Halloween Tree by Annya Marttinen

[mundo-da-meia-noite]

[mundo-da-meia-noite]

[fleshmaid3n-deactivated20201226]

It’s very hard to make friends as an adult, because once you’re an adult you’ve realised you hate everyone.

[chimericalcynosure]

By Tavo Montanez

[khaizarin]

That awkward moment when you come in to work and your colleague has made a nice waiting area for your customers, but you're a dark edge lord and the Zen music is making you want to go on a murderspree.

[khaizarin]

I don't want to die because I feel lost or in pain.

I simply wish to no longer fight.

I would tell you

But you all have your own things to worry about and I am already a burden.

The pouring rain drained my jacket, pants and shoes. I was late for work, and I should be trying harder to become desired and irreplaceable. Instead, I stood still, listening to the raindrops, listening to the quiet whispers. I wondered why I'm putting myself through this for you. For any of you... Who am I to anyone?

You might miss me when I'm gone, but what good have I done you?

I cause pain and suffering to those I get close to, intentional or not. If I try not to, I hurt you in some other way.

I am drained, and I wish to stop fighting.

Just rest for a while.

Is that really so wrong?

~ Adrian