fuck a bitch

Asia//27//personal diary page

[khmaw]

Oh, how I’ve grown. So slowly and steadily, as if it simply crept along. But I’ve scratched, scraped, and gnawed for this. Nails bleeding, body dragged. I throw down my weathered and pierced armor at the altar of love

[khmaw]

I like people who exist in the inbetween. Not the black sheep, it’s more egregious than that. They flow through the current. They adapt. They grow. They roll with the punches. They’re ever changing and hard to catch. But when you do, what a ride

[khmaw]

I miss my middle school bedroom. I miss my light purple curtains and the purple flower duvet I hated. I miss my tiny tv, that I was so excited to get I danced around the room, perched on the bureau my grandfather bought. I miss my boom box and my stack of cds. I miss my bookshelf, and of course all my books. I miss my mismatched furniture. I miss sitting on the computer till morning. I miss sitting cross legged on the floor playing my bass. If you could call it that. I miss the pile of blankets and clothes that got caught between the bed and the wall. I even miss my sister trying to get in

[khmaw]

It’s been almost been two years since Alysia has been gone. And really truly, in the deepest parts of me, I have never felt so alone. Since that day, since that time, that year. My cousin and my best friend. Coincidences don’t exist, no one can convince me otherwise. You moving ten minutes away from me, hearing your familiar voice call my name the minute I walked into my new local grocery store. After you died, I had a dream where we were shopping together like we used to. Laughing and singing to the music, girly treat drinks in hand. I turned to you and said, “I’m so glad it was all a misunderstanding and you’re really still here.” Your expression darkened and you placed a hand on my shoulder, “No, Asia. I am dead” you said. Then I woke up. Confused. It felt intensely real. My whole life I’ve experienced the abnormal. I can say wholeheartedly I have seen ghosts, spirits, whatever whoever wants to call them. Ive cried and wondered, if I have these experiences then where are you? I wonder if you’re at peace, finally, and that was just you saying goodbye. Taking me out one last time, like you always have. I’m happy I could be there for you with your eating disorder, but I’m plagued by thoughts that I was no help at all. Survivors guilt. I still don’t eat when I’m struggling. I’m not eating now. Will it always be this way? Is that why you made the choice you did? I wish you didn’t leave, leave me alone. I wish you could see all the people who came to your funeral. They had to open an extra room. Your mom does some mental health support stuff now I think, like the run they did in Salem. I don’t really know, none of them talk to me anymore. No one talks to me anymore. The whole family. It’s weird, because more than ever I am doing well. At this point in my life I know I can never go through with killing myself. Besides, I have a sister. I don’t self harm directly anymore. I work, I drive, I pay my bills. And I’ve never felt so alone

[khmaw]

I had a weird dream, my wrists slit across all the way up my forearm, I cried like it was an accident, when I woke up the dog was laying with me for the first time

[khmaw]

There was a story going around recently of a woman killed on vacation with her friends. One friend recorded while the others beat her and left her for dead. Tons of post are going around saying things about real friends and know who your friends are. I don’t even know if I ever did have a real friend. My best friend of 7 years turned around and told me she secretly hated me the whole time. Another anonymously sent me death threats, here. Maybe I am better off alone. I feel for that woman. At this point I haven’t a single friend, but everytime I have I’ve had that sneaking suspicion

[khmaw]

There’s no where I belong, everywhere I go I stick out like a sore thumb. Like a coin in a puzzle box.

[khmaw]

I can’t do anything right I ruin everything like midas’ touch my hands are seeped in black tar

[khmaw]

My phone doesn’t even feel like my phone I’m disconnected from my phone as I am from my body I’m a stranger in my body with a strangers phone in my hand a person I used to know memories stay stuck in my phone harder than my mind in this day people hold on to their phone tighter than their beliefs I just want my phone to belong to me

[khmaw]

I wish we could have just watched the fireworks together

[khmaw]

I feel like I want to throw up I don’t know what to do with myself I don’t know how to go on my eyes are so puffy I don’t even know how to go about my day

[khmaw]

Sweet birthday baby

[khmaw]

If you offer a normal everyday person a free Ferrari, many people would actually refuse, opposed to offering a free Honda. With a Ferrari, it raises suspicion. It makes them think, “ can I even maintain a Ferrari? Do I even deserve a Ferrari? “. The answer to both is probably no. Out of the people offered the Ferrari only a small few would take the time and effort to really learn to take care of the car. A free Honda, is easy to maintain.

[khmaw]

Lying is done with words and also silence

[khmaw]

I met a beautiful boy in my dreams

[khmaw]

I should have known better

[khmaw]

How embarrassing

I don’t want anyone to see me