It was a painful realization. But a realization nonetheless.
People don't respect me.
I have to really analyze that. Why did they think it was alright to toy with my time? Did they think it was alright to toy with my time? Perhaps they were just testing me.
Why did they want me to explain myself? Why was it okay for me to understand their situation and sympathize but for them to not understand my situation and sympathize?
Gotta be an asshole to survive in this land. Maybe in this world.
I used to be selfish. Then I got it beaten out of me. Now, the seed has been very painfully sown.
I'm going to take a leave of absence and really evaluate the hell out of my life. Being treated like a second class citizen is not what I am here for. At all.
I was born for more.
Not to be envious of subpar motherfuckers who happen to secure better positions than I have simply because I have allowed myself to be convinced that certain things that I do not have should cripple my efforts.
FUCK THAT.
I need new rules. Rules that I live and die by. I need to analyze my past, learn the lessons and live by them until I die.
Despite popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in intention. The seagull may intend to fly away, may decide to do so, may talk with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly, but until the seagull flaps his wings and takes to the air, he is still on the dock. There’s no difference between that gull and all the others. Likewise, there is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently and the one who never thinks about it in the first place. Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions? Yet intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from you.
Andy Andrews (The Noticer: Sometimes, All A Person Needs Is A Little Perspective)
Almost a year ago, I started this blog to chronicle what I thought at time was going to be my exodus from a life I was not happy with. I thought I would be making my swift exit because I had learned all that I needed about the process of becoming a Red-pill taker. I completely underestimated the length of time it would take. I can say that almost a year later, I am doubtful as to whether I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet. What I saw a year ago was merely a service light. There's a LOT more work to be done. I may restart the blog or change the format so I can make daily contributions. The biggest discovery I've made in this process is the fact that I have a severe case of toxic shame and fear. That is where a lot of work has to be done. I can explain further in another post.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I haven't posted anything substantial on the site for a while. This is because I'm doing some heavy mental/spiritual lifting. I'm writing the next series of posts to contain as much meat + potatoes as possible.
These are the posts that I believe will actually help many young (or not so young) men. It will save time spent by avoiding all the nonsense that is out there and really get people on their way to living life the way they've always wanted.
I'll be diving into the reasons why I experienced the Crash, what work I had to do to get out of it (what worked and what did not) and what I am focusing my efforts on nowadays. Expect lots of information that will help you build your own house on rock instead of the sand that is abundant.
Now that I have the software I've been looking for, its time to learn how to use it.
The internet is possibly the most valuable resource one can have when it comes to learning how to use these software.
A simple search for "Logic Pro Tutorials" yielded several website results some of which include videos explaining the different areas within the program.
The example below explains Logic Pro 9 and the windows within it.
This video was taken from Synthtopia where other tutorials explain more of how the program works.
I was in another country on another continent far away from my family. I landed a job that required me to work crappy hours for an old-school asshole. He put me in charge of the most disorderly group of workers in his company. Workers who continually tried to make me look like I was inept at leading them even though I was better technically trained and proficient. They would deliberately undermine me and sought to give occasion to my boss to speak disparagingly about me as an individual (because he always made things personal instead of focusing on professional output). I was forced to work with poor/bad equipment yet expected to produce stellar results because the boss did not want to invest and also because my subordinates were horrible at handling equipment. I had to deal with pay that arrived late on far too many occasions (meaning more than once) when it was already not adequate to maintain my lifestyle.
I was not meeting with and hanging out with friends and was therefore very isolated. I was in the middle of a spiritual revolution during which I had to completely revise all that I had believed prior to that point. Following that, I had decided to live my life in a certain manner that my cicrumstances at the time were not allowing me to. I felt like a hypocrite at those times when I was not able to live in a manner that did not make a mockery of my beliefs. I also felt abandoned. Whereas I used to command a lot of attention and compliments, I was now being socially ignored except for when I was at work because it was the only place where I was familiar to anyone. The only time I wasn't at work was when I was sleeping, bathing and eating.
I had gone from thinking to feeling. I had become emotional and reactive because of a boss that would not allow any proactivity that he hadn't pre-approved. I had adopted a sense of powerlessness because I was not able to effect the kind of change necessary and in the places where it was necessary to effect them. I did not hold the financial purse-strings of the organization.
I was dating a young lady who had a turbulent relationship with her step-mother. I was on good terms with her step-mother and her father but I was stuck in placating-beta mode so I spent a lot of time maintaining my relationship with them even at moments when the time would have been better spent with her. Overall though, the relationship was good and we seemed to be on track to getting hitched until I made the rookie mistake of getting involved with a co-worker.
The coworker was a manipulative and demanding BOW. Soon, she would add to the stress in my life by constantly making demands on my resources (time, energy and consequently, money). For a little while, I was able to keep things together.
I stupidly confess to my girlfriend about the side-issue I have with the BOW and in so doing sow the seed that would end up destroying our relationship. I feel even worse about myself after I am told in no uncertain terms that I am not a man and don't know how to look after a good thing.
I sustain this heavy damage but manage to plod along a little while longer. I suffer more demands (I was quite the masochist) and abuse from the BOW who flips out when I tell her its time to call it a day and focus on myself. This lowers my sense of self even further. My work begins to suffer because she is distracting me at work now. I fail to stand my ground and instead commit to trying to show her that I did actually care about her.
Eventually (and now that I know better, inevitably) every thing blows up.
All the factors converged to deal a powerful blow. I got in an accident because I was working too hard and was trying to hard to please a woman who didn't care nearly as much about me as I did about her.
I was already broke and now I was in debt for the cost of the car repairs. Having to borrow the money sank me lower in self esteem. I was not seeing my family. I was feeling isolated. I was not socializing with friends. I had no way of replenishing my well of social energy because my virtual relationships were dying too. I was changing, and was no longer the guy who was entertaining everyone like I used to be. I felt guilty and ashamed because I could no longer do that. Those who only knew me because they enjoyed getting that from me simply moved on. I was hurt by that and blamed myself for it.
I had lost my respect at my job and my subordinates were misbehaving because of it. I was fighting even more frequently with them. The BOW was applying more pressure. Things continued to spiral downward.
Eventually, things became too unbearable, so I quit my job. I could no longer deal with the abuse at work, in my relationship and from myself (I had internalized the abuse that questioned my manhood because I was not where I wanted to be and put it on auto-pilot. I needed a break from all of that. I needed to explore the hope that things did not always have to be the way they were at the time, so I quit.
The BOW however, continued to pester me. She wanted to also leave the job now and wanted to follow me to my new workplace. She acted as though it was my job to help her secure a place. When I was not able to, I felt even worse about myself.
I was in a new work environment where I was being treated like an outsider. It was clear that there were lots of strong interpersonal relationships at this new company and not being a part of that stung. I was also experiencing attention withdrawal which caused me to feel insecure. Nobody knew who I was and most of them didn't care either. I was also not the overall boss of my division here, I was now somebody's subordinate.
Eventually, things with the BOW also became unbearable. Her insane demands on my resources became impractical and I had to cut her loose. Having tried to do it diplomatically before, I decided to employ an "its not you, its me" strategy. I left her place and never looked back as I walked out of there. The first time I went to her house, I arrived in my car. I left her house that time with coins in my pocket.
When I arrived home, I simply felt numb, desperate and confused. One word kept bouncing around in my head.
The upgrade of my computer system is complete. I now have at least 500GB to dedicate to software.
I plan to acquire Logic Pro 9, Reason 4, Pro Tools 9 and Native Instruments' Komplete Bundle for starters. Once I have these tools, I can then begin the process of making music.
I am enjoying the improved performance of my computer. 3GB of RAM is not much to brag about these days, but it is such a step up for me that I have to be at least content.
When I found the Red Pill, I was going through a very painful time in my life after what I call The Crash. I was completely frustrated and was looking for answers.
I decided to Google "manhood". One of the search results that popped up was the Manhood Academy which interested me. I clicked on it and read through the site eventually downloading the ebook "Principles of Social Competence".
I read the book from cover to cover several times, and decided to see if I could find any more literature on it or about it. So I Googled the book and found that a website called Delusion Damage had an analysis of the book. So I clicked over to the site and my eyes were opened from that point onward.
I owe Delusion Damage for opening my eyes to the reality of this world. The tagline for his blog at the time read "If you deny reality, it will hurt you". How very true.
As I read more and more of his articles and checked out more of his links I realized that there was an entire world of men who were not betas. Men going their own way. Men who had figured out what I was now going to attempt. Men who had turned my unknown unknown into a known.
