Pamilya and 2020
Contrary to popular belief, 2020 treated me well. From graduating nursing school, getting my first job, and moving into one of the most expensive cities in the world; I’m thankful for what God has in store for me.
The only negative aspect for me personally in 2020 was the passing of my tatay; however, I believe that we should make blessings out of our sufferings. While I have been prepared for a year, I wasn’t ready for the idea of having both of my grandparents gone. COVID-19 also made the mourning process a whole lot harder, not being able to see your extended family for gatherings during a time like this was extremely difficult. They both left their lives in the Philippines to come take care of me in the states is a type of love that I am forever grateful for. It would only be blasphemous for me not to return the same love and care they gave me. With that being said, I truly believe that I didn’t fail on returning what they gave me. Nanay taught me the importance of work ethic and humility and tatay taught me the importance of confidence and learning when to relax.
December 2020 has been an emotional roller coaster. December 13, 2020 was when he finally went back to nanay. Prior to this date was the process of preparing for a passing. When I started nursing school in September 2017, I noticed that the more I accomplished and proceeded through school, the sicker tatay got. Starting off with my first SNF rotation was when tatay was considered a total care patient and based off what I learned, I would practice assisting him with his ADLs. When I finally started my rotations in an acute care hospital and learned head-to-toe assessments, tatay started getting admitted to the hospital for PNA scares; again, I started utilizing what I learned with assessments and planning care to reinforce his health. When I started my competitive internship and preceptorship, tatay’s condition deteriorated even more. The more knowledge and accomplishments I’ve achieved, the sicker he got; the scariest thing was I had a better understanding on his prognosis. The sequence of this wasn’t a coincidence, I believe it was just a part of God’s plan.
I am thankful to God to have tatay be around when I graduated high school, nursing school, pass my NCLEX, and get my first job. I knew tatay loved education based off what he told me growing up on how he got two bachelor degrees. Rewinding to around fall 2019 when tatay had his last PNA scare, my relatives were discussing on how they were ready for his passing. One of my uncles predicted it would’ve been God’s timing if he left once I got my job... he was right. All a part of God’s plan.
When tatay passed, I was going through this internal struggle of a new grad RN. “Am I good enough to be working here?” was the common phrase that went through my head every day. Getting my first work eval, I learned that I was doing well; however, they hated the fact that I was always so hard on myself and getting ahead of myself by taking responsibilities that I shouldn’t be assuming in the first place as a new grad. Learning more about tatay, I realized that we had the same anxiety of work; my aunt would tell me that whenever he would come home from work, he would complain on how he feels he’s not good enough when in reality he accomplished enough to be above average. My uncles and aunts at the time would tell him to relax to give yourself credit... Taking this story into account with my work struggles, I want to go into 2021 not making the same mistakes my tatay did. Stop being so hard on yourself and give yourself a break. Be more proud and vocal on what you accomplished.
It has been two weeks since my tatay passed and working in a new unit this week, I accepted that his presence will always felt throughout my career. One of my patients looked like tatay except he was Tagalog mestizo compared to my Ilocano tatay. Being admitted for the same problem he had, nurses would report that he would never have a good appetite and whenever the family brings arroz caldo and mamon, he would never eat since he’s on pallative/comfort care. I’ve noticed that whenever I interacted with this patient and feed him arroz caldo, he would have a big appetite and actually eat compared to the past nurses and family members. What hit me most was whenever I walked into the room, he would call me, “apo...”
Tatay called me “apo.” Tatay would always have a big appetite whenever I fed him. Whenever I took care of this patient, flashbacks of me taking care of tatay when I only had 3 months knowledge of nursing school which consisted of just changing patient’s clothes, feeding, toileting, bathing, and repositioning consistently played when I was taking care of this patient when I now have a BSN and RN. Was it a coincidence having a patient that looks exactly like my tatay with the same problem? No, this was another part of God’s plan. This reinforced my drive in my career. 2021 will be a new beginning of more growth from what I have but at the same time, more self-awareness to slow down. I don’t want to regret not making the time for fun in my life.
