*nervous neighbor

joel from santa clarita diet. penned by jay.

[killdesac]

I’m LANE (she/they/EST), I’m 24 and I’ve been rping for almost a decade on tumblr. You might recognize me from my primary blog @strawpolls​ / @cardiomyapathy​​. This is JOEL HAMMOND from Netflix’s Santa Clarita Diet. He’s the very normal husband of a very abnormal woman who managed to get herself turned into a living zombie. Just a realtor trying to get to the bottom of it all, no matter what it takes. 

go over to @cardiomyapathy​ for rules and stuff

QUICK LORE NOTES:

joel’s teenage daughter is abby and his wife is sheila. sheila  she ate bad clams that originated from serbia and is now a zombie that can only eat human flesh. she’s decomposing slowly but still has the normal functions of a person

apocalypse hasn’t started, it’s contained in certain people

he helps sheila source terrible people for her to eat but he is not that good at killing them or finding them or talking to them

as a side hobby, he’s trying to find the origins of the bad clams to figure out a way to stop sheila from falling apart

+ is also raising his teenage daughter

they’re a husband and wife realtor duo and try their best to sell houses while finding bad people to eat

he was peer pressured to buy a range rover and is slowly financially recovering

is a top tier yelp reviewe

[killdesac]

🤨 fed guy here eyeing up mr killdesac

" now this might not be the right time ... but is it ever the right time with this economy ? are you interested in viewing an open house? i've got a property that screams ' federal bureau ' . very strong columns. "

[dcbicki]

SANTA CLARITA DIET S03E02 • Knighttime

[killdesac]

hi i come on here once a year and this is it

[shitpeoplesayintf2]

[princessrhcenyra]

SANTA CLARITA DIET (2017-2019)

[apexadapted]

killdesac​:

WHY WOULDN’T HE LEAVE? Joel was already apologizing in his head for what he would have to do. This was for his family. He picks up the trowel in his hand and squeezes the handle, feeling around for a good grip. Maybe the other guy was genuinely curious about foraging? The uncertainty was setting his nerves off. “ A morel is like a mushroom; it grows around the treeline. And sage … well, you burn it and wave it around and it’s supposed to ward off bad spirits. ”

  The poor guy’s heartrate had just picked up even more.  He seemed decent, save for the possible murder, Vincent really didn’t want him to have a stroke or something in the middle of the desert.  “Cool.  I didn’t think it required that much…equipment.”  A whole bag full of something that was bleeding.  In hindsight, he could’ve waived it off as a rabbit or something.  “Bad spirits, huh?  I’ll take five pounds.”

[killdesac]

“ Only pros come this stocked... to forage. ” if he’d known this was going to happen, he would have said he’d been hunting. in the desert. for rattlesnakes or something. STUPID. He felt like he was going to pass out, but he clenches the handle tighter and rushes forward. Raising it in the air, he forces his arms down with the blade of the trowel aimed at the other’s head. 

[fakedsciences-a]

“No offense?” She laughs nervously. She’s distracted by the crossword puzzle in her lap. It’s full of cultural reference she can’t, doesn’t, won’t understand. She’s in a chair, waiting for the car wash employees to finish detailing her car while other people vacuum their own vehicles.

“—nevermind. You don’t have to justify yourself to me. What’s your name?”

[killdesac]

“ Once you get to this age, you’ll understand. ” Maybe she wouldn’t have a zombie spouse, but taxes and gas prices were contributing to his overall stress too. He takes a step back towards her as he sprays down his car with the hose. Good thing he was wearing his gardening shirt, the  blood would have been a pain to get out. “ JOEL. You? ” 

[godclaws]

           look ,     she  wasn’t  usually  a  drug  slinger .   murphy  usually  stays  more  behind  the  scenes ,    a  few  tiers  up  in  the  hierarchy  than  the  runners  who  sell  on  the  streets .   besides ,    nobody  wants  murphy  counting  their  cash .    but  she’s  gotten  herself  between  a  rock  &  a  hard  place  at  the  moment  and  she  needs  to  offload  the  little  product  she  had  on  her ,    fast .    the  worst  part  about  it ?   she  &  jess  are  fighting  again ,    which  means  she’s  on  her  own .   she’d  had  to  reach  out  to  darnell  ( a  much  more  experienced  dealer  who  doesn’t  have  much  patience  for  murphy )  to  set  her  up  with  a  buyer .    some  guy  named  andrew .    unfortunately  for  murphy ,    there  was  a  bit  of  a  miscommunication  &  she’s  mistaken  joel  for  her  mystery  buyer .    waving  away  his  offer  to  hold  his  arm ,    she  instead  directs  her  guide  dog  to  follow  the  weird  man ,    pretzel .    something’s  off ,    that  much  she  knows ,    but  she  just  can’t  quite  yet  suss  out  what  it  is .   ‘  you  seriously  —-  you  scheduled  a  drug  deal  and  didn’t  go  to  get  cash  before ?  ’    murphy  repeats ,    incredulousness  dripping  from  her  words .   ‘  do  you  pull  this  shit  with  darnell  too  or  am  i  just  special ?  ’

[killdesac]

“ I go SAFELY to drug deals. hey, this is for your benefit too. if I got robbed on the way, I wouldn’t have money to pay for your drugs. ” He looks over at the dog and mouths ‘ not a word or else you’ll get it too ’... but AW, but he could never let sheila eat a little puppy dog. WAIT, did she say scheduled? Was he kidnapping someone else’s drug dealer? SHIT. He had too many things on his plate, this did not need to be another one. “ Yes. Why chance them wealth? ” Where was SHEILA? She must have smelled the raw beef they were using at the hotdog stand down the street, and just like when she was alive and would smell hotdogs, she must have driven there. “ What, uh, what other drugs ... do you carry? ”

[apexadapted]

killdesac​:

“ NOT AT ALL. ” That came out too stern and he swallows hard; lowering his voice and softening his tone, he says , “ I mean, once I clean up I’m probably going to take my sage and morels home. No reason to keep you up here. ” He calmly zips the bag back up and gets up. HE KNEW. But Joel was willing to give him one more out before he had to commit to doing something terrible. Was that for the other’s benefit or himself? “ Thanks for the offer though, man. ”

  “Nah, I usually do a couple more miles all you’re doing is helping me waste some time.”  They’re both uncomfortable.  Walking a very thin line between feigning normalcy and revealing something dangerous.  “What’s a morel?”  He’s drifting closer, casually, languidly.  As nonthreatening as possible with his natural movement of a large predator.  “I’ve basically lived in the city my entire life, I don’t even know what sage is.  Like, what’s it for?  It doesn’t even smell good.”

[killdesac]

WHY WOULDN’T HE LEAVE? Joel was already apologizing in his head for what he would have to do. This was for his family. He picks up the trowel in his hand and squeezes the handle, feeling around for a good grip. Maybe the other guy was genuinely curious about foraging? The uncertainty was setting his nerves off. “ A morel is like a mushroom; it grows around the treeline. And sage ... well, you burn it and wave it around and it’s supposed to ward off bad spirits. ”

[apexadapted]

killdesac​:

“ … YES. These are the southern californian woods. It’s synonymous with desert though. Just a … local joke. ” A tumbleweed stumbles by and over his duffel that was apparently LEAKING. “ You know, I was like that when I was younger. Then I found such purpose in fixing things. Junior carpentry is more of my hobby. ” Too candid. He doesn’t notice the blood until the other noticed it. Joel tries not to panic as he shuffles backwards and turns to hide the bag with his body. He unzips and notices that he’d been taking too long, the blood had soaked through the linens. All sixteen of them. “ OH, shit yeah.  That’s just Gatorade. You know, the sun and heat stroke and electrolytes. Thanks for the heads up, I’ll clean that right up. ” 

 Vincent immediately tracks the tumbleweed instead, drawn to the movement and grinning at the irony of it.  “Been a while since I’ve seen one of those.  Almost forgot they didn’t exist only in cartoons.”  He’d collected a variety of hobbies over the years, most dropped and picked up again.  Boredom and understimulation let him be amused by small things.  Joel’s movement returns his attention to the other with a grimace.  Gatorade is thinner and lighter.  The body would be a few hours old.  That much blood meant it it probably wasn’t an accident.  “You want any help?  I’ve got nowhere to be.”

[killdesac]

“ NOT AT ALL. ” That came out too stern and he swallows hard; lowering his voice and softening his tone, he says , “ I mean, once I clean up I’m probably going to take my sage and morels home. No reason to keep you up here. ” He calmly zips the bag back up and gets up. HE KNEW. But Joel was willing to give him one more out before he had to commit to doing something terrible. Was that for the other’s benefit or himself? “ Thanks for the offer though, man. ”

[apexadapted]

killdesac​:

There was definitely a dead body in his bag. He’d piled a few old towels from the back of the linens closet to make sure it didn’t drip. Joel squeezes his arms together as he folds them across his chest and looks around the guy’s shoulders. Just him. Maybe he COULD take him on with his trowel. “ Hm, that’s what a rival forager would say. Or even a follower of Wiccan Magic. There’s a full moon coming along, but I’m sure you already knew that. Wench of the woods. ” He mutters softly, digging his hands now into his pockets to look for something to occupy them with. “ Very fun. You should try it, if you’re being honest. But not here and not now. ”

  It still isn’t in the top ten weirdest conversations he’s had.  Odd, but so far neither of them had tried to kill each other so it was going better than most people he’d run into lately.  Vincent hums vaguely, barely resisting the urge to snicker.  “I’m new to the area, is this what you guys call woods?”  A rather barren desert with some scrub, easily a couple miles from the nearest house.  “I’m sure I could pick up enough cool stuff, but I like my creature comforts too much to want to spend that much more time outside.  You got an old spade or something in your bag?  I think it’s rusty-or somethings…leaking?”  He tips tone up in a question.  For all he knew, as a clueless stranger, some herbs or whatever leaked.

[killdesac]

“ ... YES. These are the southern californian woods. It’s synonymous with desert though. Just a ... local joke. ” A tumbleweed stumbles by and over his duffel that was apparently LEAKING. “ You know, I was like that when I was younger. Then I found such purpose in fixing things. Junior carpentry is more of my hobby. ” Too candid. He doesn’t notice the blood until the other noticed it. Joel tries not to panic as he shuffles backwards and turns to hide the bag with his body. He unzips and notices that he’d been taking too long, the blood had soaked through the linens. All sixteen of them. “ OH, shit yeah.  That’s just Gatorade. You know, the sun and heat stroke and electrolytes. Thanks for the heads up, I’ll clean that right up. ” 

[killdesac]

@frstwomn​

“ Oh my GOSH, it’s the President. Hi, I’m JOEL. I’m as big fan of your policies, in fact, I voted for you the first time you ran. ” And didn’t for the rest, but that didn’t matter. “ It’s a pleasure to meet you in person, ma’am. Fantastic really. My wife would have loved to be here, she’s watched your documentary about a dozen times. She just loves powerful women; so much that our fridge is full of them. On the fridge. Cutouts. Like her vision board. She says ‘pinterest made me do it’. Can we get a picture? ”

[killdesac]

@fakedsciences​​

“ I love cleaning my car. It’s an hour of my day away from my family, doing something productive for myself. ” And it was a way of washing off this week’s blood smears and vacuuming out those animal cracker crumbs from the seams of the seat. Pop some spare change into the machine and the minutes go by as do the suds.  

[apexadapted]

killdesac​:

“ YOU should not be here, ” he stammers, the words stuck to his mouth as though he’d swallowed a spoonful of peanut butter after going to the bathroom at 2am. @apexadapted​ ‘s presence startled the shit out of him and he dropped his shovel; well, TROWEL, by definition it WAS one handed and under two feet… but that wasn’t as threatening as saying ‘shovel’. His only weapon and means of self-defence. His trowel. “ I mean, it’s … ” he waves his hands around, blocking sight of the rest of his equipment stashed in his bag. “ MY TERRITORY. I am verbally declaring, right now, that this is my foraging spot and if you want some wild white sage, better luck in another zone, buddy. I’m sure you could snag a few wood sorrel down the hill, so … ” he tries shooing the other away. “ You can make some salad dressing. ”

 There was definitely a dead body in the bag.  Or at least nearby.  The guy’s behavior confirmed what he’d only been suspicious of.  No one was that nervous about collecting plants.  Unless it was a highly coveted naturally suspicious hobby of which Vincent had absolutely no knowledge.  But he knows sage smells more like weed, not blood.  Though dusk isn’t exactly prime burying dead people time.  He knows that too.  “Relax buddy, I’m not here for your…wild white sage.”  Did that even still exist in California?  “I was just going for a run and thought I’d make sure you were good.  Is…it fun?”

[killdesac]

There was definitely a dead body in his bag. He’d piled a few old towels from the back of the linens closet to make sure it didn’t drip. Joel squeezes his arms together as he folds them across his chest and looks around the guy’s shoulders. Just him. Maybe he COULD take him on with his trowel. “ Hm, that’s what a rival forager would say. Or even a follower of Wiccan Magic. There’s a full moon coming along, but I’m sure you already knew that. Wench of the woods. ” He mutters softly, digging his hands now into his pockets to look for something to occupy them with. “ Very fun. You should try it, if you’re being honest. But not here and not now. ”

[killdesac]

who has a screencapped account 

[killdesac]

@godclaws​

" Yeah, just come with me. You can hold my arm if you want --- watch your step. ” He helps the blind woman seamlessly transition from road to sidewalk, rushing her along while trying not to look like he was kidnaping the poor girl. Which he was. “ There’s a bank just around the corner, I just need to take out cash. You know, I don’t go anywhere with cash these days because of the ... coyotes ... and southern californian gangs. It’s all digital anyway, you just tap your credit card and there goes all your hard earned money. ” A nervous laugh as he speed walks away from where they’d met only five minutes ago. He was doing some pondering in the alley, as one does when they go to the hardware store for a claw hammer and they only sold regular hammers. Then she showed up and tried to sell him hard drugs. Him. A family man. She was trying to get him into a life of hard addiction for a measly few dollars. That had to be a bad person, right? So Sheila could eat her, right? Yeah.