Musings on Life

[killiman-96]

Dream last night. Met you, felt guilty. Kissed you, felt guilty and then realized I was feeling guilty about someone who hadn't called me for months so nothing to worry about. So we had time, running around and then there were rings, not real rings, just rings that wrapped around our fingers. They were pretty.

Then I woke up and I didn't want to wake up. Hoping dreams are alternative universes so I know in that one we are happy. 🥰

[killiman-96]

I'm tired. But now I'm apathetic. I knew the argument was coming. That wasn't the issue. This issue is that it became a personal attack. And I left because I didn't want to hear it. But I wasn't upset, angry, or melting down. I just didn't care anymore.

Going to look for a job after this weekend. I'm done. 1000% done.

[killiman-96]

Ahhh!!! I was having a dream. It was perfect and I was so happy and when I woke up I almost cried and said "no! I wanna go back! Take me back!" And I tried to fall back into my dream and couldn't. 😭😭

[killiman-96]

OMG... So I was at a mind/body/spirit feat this weekend and the last workshop I went to was using tuning forks. Literally just heard about this the day before so was super interested and the facilitator gave us tuning forks to use and put them on different points on our body. One of them was a spot on the hand. So I did this several times.

I get home, more than 45 minutes later and take out the new fluorite pendulum I purchased and hold it over my hand just to look at it...and FUCK ME but that thing started to fucking vibrate in the exact same spot of my hand I had put that damned tuning fork.

So yeah, fully on board with the we are all energy and different frequencies have an effect on us. 🤯😱

[killiman-96]

I fucking hate meltdowns. I want to rage and scream and hit things and drive really fast and never come back and tear my hair out and rip my skin down my bones and jump into the fucking lake and never come back and throw things and cry and now I'm fucking freezing and tired and I never want to see another person ever again. Fuck all of this. Right in the fucking ear.

[killiman-96]

I'm so fucking sick of my life. I'm just so fucking tired of wearing masks of doing everything and getting no acknowledgement. I'm tired of dancing on everyone else strings and now that I snapped some of them free I'm different and using my mental issues as excuses and god fucking forbid I put myself first in any way shape or form.

But I'm backed into a corner. No job, my marriage is a sham at this point and I'd lost weight and am now gaining it all back and I feel like shit again and I just want to run away and never look back.

I'm tired. Can't fucking sleep.

[killiman-96]

I had a bad day. Really bad. Mentally. I wanted to leave, fo, run away from life, my house, my marriage, my child, everything. I was just done with it all done of feeling like I constantly take care of everyone else but no one every thinks about me or my needs. I was just done. So I sat in the dark for a while. I eventually calmed down enough to not run away. I wanted to post earlier when I was in that mindspace but I didn't. Which is probably good because I might have gotten some AI bots checking in or something when I purchased exacto knives later from Amazon. (They are for a project.)

I'm sure it didn't help that all the dreams I remember from last night and from my naps before the incident were of trying to find places and never finding them and then overlapping commitments I wasn't told about or has forgotten when all I wanted was to get a drink with my friend.

Bad days happen and the point is to move on from them, I guess.

[shock]

accepting that you’re objectively weird & owning it is infinitely better than being constantly desperate to appear normal to people who don’t even matter to you

[killiman-96]

Starting routine again tomorrow. Summer vacation is officially over. I think going forward:

1. Restart morning pages

2. Saturdays are for doing something! Anything! Sundays are chore days.

3. Figure out stuff I like doing and try some of it. No pressure.

4. Finish some projects. Maybe a project day and a writing day and no worries about other things.

5. Profit! 😆

[romessence]

How awful to want each other and not tell each other.

[killiman-96]

So I've decided to start the Artist's Way again. 12 weeks of creative recovery. So morning pages and a weekly date with myself. Looks like snow next week so I will save the zoo for some other week. Excited and terrified to restart this journey once again. Let's see what happens.

[killiman-96]

Therapy works, I guess... Moved quickly from the mindset of wanting to kill myself to just running away instead. Suppose that is progress in some way.

[killiman-96]

I want to be saved. I don't NEED to be saved. I WANT to be saved. I want to feel like I'm worth some sort of sacrifice or inconvenience or something without being made to feel like I'm the inconvenience.

I guess that's the part of the fairy tale I want. Though the animal companion is nice too.

I want someone who wants to save me.

I want to be loved like I'm important enough.

[killiman-96]

Just saw people threatening to shoot up schools in my area and my kid's school isn't on the list, but one close to it is and ... I went online shopping about it so I didn't fall into complete and utter despair. Fuck this.

[killiman-96]

Plan for everyday:

1. 15-20 min walk

2. Writing

3. Journaling

4. Studying something

5. Reading

Starting tomorrow... 🙃

[killiman-96]

I want to go to an honest to God fair. I want to eat fried food and see farm animals and win stupid prizes at stupid rigged games.

[killiman-96]

I swear ... We just keep missing each other. Roads running parallel and we just pass each other by every time. It's not fair.

But in a short amount of time those lines will cross. Excited for that.