certified loser

20s

[killuachii]

Welcome!

introduction!

my name is killuachii! I like writing silly stuff for silly people!!!

୧‿̩͙ ˖︵ ꕀ⠀ ♱⠀ ꕀ ︵˖ ‿̩͙୨

҂ kpop masterlist

groups: skz (mostly) but open for more!

solo works: terazono keita

҂ anime masterlist

mostly jjk

҂ other stuff

will be updated!

҂ recs!

suguru geto - 10 reasons why i never loved you

terazono keita - the day i became blind

୧‿̩͙ ˖︵ ꕀ⠀ ♱⠀ ꕀ ︵˖ ‿̩͙୨

you can find stuff i write under #killuachii's rambling!

© to Shelby DeGarmo for the art!

[nishloves]

guardian angel!gojo, who can't help but protect you a little better than he protects anyone else. who can't help watching you all day.

the cheerful smiles, the blushing babies, and the yellow dahlias— radiant in the field, as if they bloomed for you— touching your skin as you moved around.

angel!gojo's eyes observed you as you pranced around the garden, your bubbling laughter, your hands moving delicately over the petals, caressing them like they were the world's biggest treasure.

angel!gojo watched as the human!you gently wiped the dirt of the leaves, your fingers moving over the veinations like you were personally giving them their most blissful bath, like their existence itself was your biggest pleasure— like you were there to care for the littlest beings.

angel!gojo sent his orbs to peer at you as you settled on the marbled pavilion, looking up at the statues with parchment spread over your lap, the nip of the quill rushing over the yellowed sheets as you drew whatever you found beautiful, noting down all the childish and heartwearming epiphanies you had, you hair tied behind with flowers braided in carefully— they never wilted. anything you touched wouldn't ever wilt.

it was like the sun accessorized your skin himself, your lips cheery red as you fed on the grapes, eyes twinkling like the flutter of butterflies, hair cascading down like you were blessed with the rivers. the grass felt grateful to have felt your skin as you laid on their blades, your eyes looking up, finding random crystal blue movement across the sky— must be light.

the water was grateful for being able to wash your nimble feet, gently moving over the crevices and curves— the satyres and nymphs watched you from their places, noting your free movements, your carefree attitude, your harmonica which was buried between the pockets of your skirts, their hearts too beating like his as you giggled like the most beautiful melody he had heard.

"a being like you should love all equally."

and yet, angel!gojo couldn't help but love you a bit more.

might turn it into a fic later hehehehe. but depends if I have the time or the motivation <3 || prev part.

all rights reserved ©️ nishloves.

[slinksly]

After a rain

[saintfool]

You are probably wondering, why I tagged you here.

Well I was bored and had a free evening

You see, all the people tagged here have one thing in common - the Yunho's florist (I am not the anon who sent you the ask)

People harassed by Yunho's florist Anon:

@hy0ung @810nd1 @ragnarockz @thueenz @whatrealbeautylookslike @ oonajaeadira @nayatarot777 @silvermoonharry @pannazmiya @nephritebabie @bobvelvsebobsession @chawsthetransfemdino @snow-blower @vamptarot @oakpinejuniper @sehetep-shenwer @purposeastro @moonastro @deesseshesca @inthefallofasparrow @gordiita @getbellsgetbitches @penbattles @leafsvflowers @starmuselove @yeonsclover @livelaughghoul @heartstruthtarot @kundaquarius @kaiasky @cr0wqui11 @33446699 @daddyfuckedme @tarotmeg @beadelmare @disease @queenlua @saiintvalentiine @themagiciantarocchi @knightofhylia @bittertarot @birdrhetorics @nicromancytarot @potattarot @fafatile @canine-witch @feuillesss @erinsreadings @olympiccreation @fracturedgodhead @astroyongie @alaezasmystery235 @julyourwitch @aesethewitch

So summing up all lists Yunho's florist anon messaged around 250 people (probably more, but those are people that answered in some way to their ask), some of them multiple times. Around 50 people made a reading on their request, so anon had 1/5 success in obtaining the reading

The list was made for laugh only, so treat it as a joke, please 🙏🏼

I am sorry if I tagged someone more than once 🙏🏼 If any of you don't want to be tagged, just let me know 🙏🏼

People harassed by Yunho's florist Anon:

The 2nd part of this list is: here

The 3rd part of this list is: here

The 4th part of this list is: here

The list of readings of people who actually made a reading about it: here

[slinksly]

Untitled

My dear,

Do you know that feeling in your chest?

The one that tugs at the corners of your lips and dances lightly, softly through your limbs.

The one you spend precious moments in;

and you wish you could trap in a box,

kept there, so you can take a peek inside and have it ensconce you whenever you need.

Do you know that feeling in your chest?

The unwelcome one that clings to you, keeping you company even when you cast it away;

that spreads down to your gut and up into your throat, gnawing and clenching.

It’s hungry, you understand.

Do you know that feeling in your chest?

The heavy one.

The one that crushes the bones in your chest and suffocates your heart til the blood spills—

that sinks your will like an anchor falling to the bottom of the sea.

It’s so, so cold.

Do you know that feeling in your chest?

The one that crinkles the corners of your eyes upon a sly smile;

that tempts you though you know better,

and delights in the dark and what shouldn’t be said.

Do you know that feeling in your chest?

The one that pervades throughout every cell in your body when you recall times past you’d rather had left undone.

The one that makes you close your eyes and sigh on a breath that feels polluted with your essence—what a waste.

Do you know that feeling in your chest?

The tentative one.

The one that hesitates as it skirts around the edges of your ribs;

the one you’re too afraid to hold up high,

but too afraid to put down.

It’s there, breathing,

but you wonder if it’ll be for naught.

Do you know that feeling in your chest?

The tangled one.

It spins,

and spins,

and spins,

leaving you unsure whether your feet are even under you, digging into the ground,

still spinning,

spinning,

your heart is blurring with it.

Do you know these feelings in your chest?

The ones you swear you can’t put to your lips but that take root in every sinew of your body as your soul tears through it.

These feelings,

my darling,

nameless as they are on your tongue

—they mean you’re alive.

[killuachii]

There is no "me" in me

୧‿̩͙ ˖︵ ꕀ⠀ ♱⠀ ꕀ ︵˖ ‿̩͙୨

Keita Terazono

So many versions of the "me" you want to see. The me that you begged to complete. But none of your words truly meant anything, because I truly didn't know what "me" you saw in me, since there is none.

Do you see the shameless me? The famous me? The me that would scare you away the second I would have opened my mouth? Because I can tell you who you are, without looking back at the hurt I would inflict. I can tell you the truth, that everyone was too scared to think. I can tell you who you were, who you are and who you will be and you still think there is a me waiting for you? Don't be stupid.

I don't like their disappointment once I tell them how I feel, I don't like the attention. I like the nothingness. The way nobody would care if I disappeared tomorrow, because they never saw any me in me, since there is none.

I don't like their voices, when they try to tell me how I should feel. I like the silence. The way nobody would speak if I wasn't the one initiating, because there never was a me in me, since I never was me to begin with.

You talk about peace, while you praise war. You talk about saving, when you kill your own spirit. Tell me, what kind of life are you living?

You love to see, but you're still so blind. You always listen, but can never memorize. Tell me what kind of person you are and I might acknowledge you. But that would be a lie, because I just don't have a single bone in my body that I would give to care.

There is no "me" in me, because nothing seems rational. These days I keep forgetting more and more, I don't even know if there has ever been anyone on my side that would ever like any version of me. I am just a sick person. How could anyone love me, if I can't love myself? How do I expect people to forgive, if there is no ounce of forgiveness in my heart? Do you see yourself in my words? Do you know what person you are? Maybe you are just like me, you are nothing and nobody but everything and everybody at the same time.

I live a busy life, that keeps hurting me. Will there be any light behind the curtains? Or will I just see more and more darkness? I don't know. I don't want to remember what I saw all those years ago. They might remind me of a "me" that I was pleading to forget.

The versions of me feel different, they are difficult. They don't think, don't understand, don't listen. They hate the pain, but are scared of the light. They love the rage, because they are afraid of the calm. I hate them all. I'm happy that I gave them a farewell and became a me that was never meant to exist.

And you feel the same, don't you? You are mimicking a you that shouldn't be you. What are you afraid of? I can see the person you try to hide, so why play around? But I know you just like I know a "me". You would never tell me the truth, because you know nobody sees the you that you once saw. The you that deserved better.

The me that deserves better.

[killuachii]

Soft Taehyun moments 🙏

The moon could never shine as bright as you. - k. taehyun

୧‿̩͙ ˖︵ ꕀ⠀ ♱⠀ ꕀ ︵˖ ‿̩͙୨

୧‿̩͙ ˖︵ ꕀ⠀ ♱⠀ ꕀ ︵˖ ‿̩͙୨

everything for my wife 🧎🏻

taehyun pov

a letter for you!

It's just me and you and no one else around. I have grown addicted to you and your whole being. To you and your everything. To the "good morning"s you mumble and the "good night"s you softly whisper. You are my ouranos eros and there is nothing that will keep me away from you.

I love the way your hand is hiding perfectly in mine, as if we were made for this exact purpose. Our souls align in a way that I never thought was possible. Because I never knew to love, but you still accepted my flaws, as if they were yet another thing that you can learn to love.

The night sky above us is slowly showing me a stage that is being illuminated by the crescent moon, which tells us a story about the lovers that we are, that we were and that we always will be. I am playing tones on the weak fragments that keep us away from being something more than just mortal. Immortality is my last stop and I will reach it with you.

Laying with you through the night, I just couldn't stop staring. You have a certain effect on me. An effect that makes me forget all the pain, all the sorrow and the suffering. Right now, in this exact moment, it's just me and you and the moon above. The way it shines down on your soft features makes me yet again forget myself. Immortality. I want to see you in my life forever, despite our earthly bounds.

The moon is competing with you. Even though it shines brightly in the sky, I could never get rid of the glances I keep special for you. There will never be anyone or anything that shines as brightly as you.

The morning arrives and it feels like a weak breeze of a spring that never came. A spring that feels too distant to reach, because next to you it would lose all meaning. Do you know that the seasons feel jealous of you? Jealous because they could never take your place in my heart. There are no septembers that flow into decembers, no flowers that bloom just to wither. It's just you and me, just how we were destined to be.

I dislike your tears, I am angry with them. Whenever you cry I feel as if I am being ripped apart, as if my being's purpose was not enough to keep those tears away. I understand that you have to cry, you feel so overwhelmed with the world that is so, so jealous of you, but trust me when I say, that I am the only one that will always stay. No matter how many days change into nights, how many septembers change to decembers, how many flowers bloom just to wither. I will always be here for you.

Even if I tell you to stop the tears, I couldn't help mine. I gave you wings to fly, yet you still came back to me, searching for my hand to take me with you to those beautiful places we always dreamed of. My heart is aching, due to your kindness. How could an angel ever reach for a sinner? And then the words escaped your lips.

"I love you"

Those words I thought I was never meant to hear, were suddenly spoken by you. Everyone reprimanded me for my wings being chipped, but you're asking me to fly. To see the world with you, to experience love with you. There is no place I would rather be than with you.

Even as I was caught on fire, you let it rain on me. Even when I was stuck, you pulled me out and could heal this heart that I thought would stay broken for centuries. There will never be a day, where I won't love you. You are my light and darkness, you are my sun and moon, you are my everything and nothing. But if you don't exist neither will I. We are bound to each other for the rest of your lives, until we become stardust for other people to find and fall in love with us. Until that day I will say it with my heart: I will love you forever and ever.

୧‿̩͙ ˖︵ ꕀ⠀ ♱⠀ ꕀ ︵˖ ‿̩͙୨

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

SHOUT OUT TO MY WIFE @saintfool

[killuachii]

Anime Masterlist

ლ suguru geto

10 reasons why i never loved you

ლ satoru gojo

take my place

ლ choso kamo

the hate you hide within

[nishloves]

the archangel; gojo satoru

yet as the sword dug into your skin, even the most modest of the creature yearned for a taste of your sugary blood.

the cold of the bare marbled floors were enough to frost your skin, the crimson petals fluttering around, the roses laid scattered on the floor, awaiting for the seraphicus arrival. the crimson fluid being almost saccharine— but all the wisers knew that the taste waver, befitting the individual's glamour.

painting the hands and face of the most the noble into red— his seraphine wings extended as the world wept while the golden tears marked his porcelain skin. the surreptitious nature of your love laid naked for all to see— for all to perceive as the mighty angel wept. cradling your body through the most sacrosanct places, through the voids to the plazas to the most sacred gardens— to eden, as he begged for your revival, for a chance for your youth. for a chance for your soul, yet when he laid unanswered and forgotten by the ones he thought to be most dear to his, he took no time to pierce his skin from the ductile weapon, it's shine blinding all as ichor riddled his skin. almost ridiculing himself.

his crystalline eyes shone with mist— the mirth of them long long as he renounced,

"i, the archangel, lay myself to bleed upon the death of my lover, of my only favorite. for her, I shall ruin the world and drown the earth, and none shall stop me. none can until I bring her back.

for my lover, i lay down my life.

for my lover, i promise to carry you to all the places you wanted to see.

for my lover, I shall renounce all the laws, and cradle her in my wings.

for my lover, i shall bleed eternally. "

this is just a trailer ig?? i have a story in mind, but I'm not sure if i'd write it, if you're curious to know let me know!

[slinksly]

where’s my dinner??

[killuachii]

[nishloves]

18+ below the cut // mingyu x afab!reader

mingyu the golden retriever! boyfriend who with his huge muscles and body is just a little pup who wants all of your love and affection. His twinkly eyes gaze up at you as you're reading, head resting on your lap as he urges you to play with his hair, making you your favorite coffee, spoiling you with his wet kisses— it's all in his blood.

mingyu, the needy boyfriend, who after his tiresome days just wants to hold you against him, playing with your soft plush skin and nuzzling his nose in your hair as he presses kisses against your neck, teeth biting on your shoulder as he cups your ass and breasts wantonly, he's so in love with your shape, so in love with the way your form fits against him, it's like you were morphed for him.

mingyu who pouts at you when you push him away, afterall he only wants your gaze on him! he looks like a sweet little dog wagging his tail, waiting for you to finally look at him and shower him with your love, and if you don't, he's gonna sulk, sulk so much as he forcibly sprawls over you, no body can take his baby away from him— no body can deprive him of your attention, not even you.

mingyu, who acts like a rabid dog the moment he's gotten you quivering below him, wet salivating tongue glistening against your folds as he teases and teases you, your whines and moans music to his ears as he fondles your curves, plush and pouty lips kissing your core, almost feasting on it greedily.

The bulbous head of his thick cock teases your pussy, as his large hands spread your thighs apart for him, eyes savoring the way your body is clenching around nothing, your arousal dressing his tip with the sweetest essence he's ever known. And he can't help but let out the most sinful of moans when he's finally inside you, praising you, worshipping you and thrusting like an animal in heat. He's almost in tears, he's so in love with his pretty little girlfriend.

And after it's done he's sure to lick your cum, tongue wrapping around his fingers as he moans from tasting you, his large eyes roll back in pleasure as his invisible tails wags for more and more— you're in for a looooooong ride <3

[slinksly]

Untitled

I do not have to react.

I do not have to react to what people say or do.

I do not have to match their energy

nor their intent.

Let their words be what they are;

let them flow through me,

like water that flows through rock

as it recedes from the rocky shore.

As I stand in stillness,

as I watch with the gentlest of apathy,

do I realize—

their words can only cut me if I hold onto them.

But I do not have to.

I do not have to pick up their words;

for the rocks don’t hold onto the water

as it passes through them on its journey

back to sea.

I do not react,

so I can choose how I respond.

[killuachii]

Take my place.

Gojo x reader

Gojo pov

I wish you would take my place. I want to be someone else. Someone that is worth living for, someone that knows the pain but jumps through it. I want to be someone like you. You never crumbled, not even once. Never have I seen you cry and I wonder, if you would take my place would the tears ever stop flowing? Would you ever be able to be the person you were? Would you still taunt me?

I will watch you play the victim, every time. I'll just watch and say nothing because you've shown me that no matter how much care I show you, it will be met with nothingness. And every time, I'll wonder if you would ever take my place. I'm begging you. I want to be someone else. I want to be someone that is allowed to live, not the trash that gets thrown out every other day. I want to be a human for you, because with the way that you treat me, I'm starting to get jealous of a doormat getting stomped on.

How many "I love you"s does it take you until you finally believe in your words? How many times do I have to watch the two-faced lover, spiral uncontrollably, because nobody ever taught you how to be a person? Tell me how many lies will it take you until you believe that you are a fucking person?

You're trying to prove your humanity even when standing next to an inanimate object. But you gave it all up for your insecurities. You let the dark places of your mind win and I know how heavy they are. I know how they mess with you, I've seen it all. But even after everything I said, everything I've done, I always hear the same shit everytime. The same insults against me, that you use as compensation for your lack of human decency. And I'm asking you, look me in my eyes and tell me, what are you doing this for? Who are you helping through hurting me and hurting you? I truly wish you would take my place. So you would crumble at the spot. I would love to see you go down with the very same psyche, that you created.

Now you're looking paranoid? The person I once knew is getting scared? What gives you the right to? Why do you think you deserve fear? Because I don't think you deserve anything anymore. And I've known your antics for a while. You are a manipulator, a caricature of a person, you are nothing worth of my eyes to look at. So I'm giving you a warning. Tell no lies about me, unless you want me to tell truths about you.

I am not your lover anymore, I am the man that's left. The man that fell for your manipulations and lies. The man who thought you could do no wrong because you didn't had it in you. Or so I thought. Now I know the real you and I feel disgusted. I know the you that you keep away from everyone else, so why couldn't you keep it was from me too? I hate your insecurities, the way you think you're better than everyone, I even hate the way that you articulate, because I know you secretly look down on me. I know how much hate you carry in you, but you could never hate yourself, you were too perfect for that, right? Or was this another lie of you that you chose to believe in, while disregarding your humanity and the person within you?

I truly wish you would take my place, because I do not get paid enough for this shit.

∆∆∆

Short Gojo one shot! Thanks for reading!

[killuachii]

The hate you hide within.

Choso x reader

reader pov

Minutes, hours, days, months, centuries.

How much longer will it take me to forget the face, the, mouth, the nose and those eyes. Those eyes.

You know I will love you all the same, since I have loved you once and I will love you again. I have seen your face when it was happy, saw your face when it was sad and saw the face in rage and yet I never once thought about leaving your side. I was always happy, right? I was always with you and you were with me. You never thought differently. Right? But then I saw those eyes again. Those damned eyes.

How many times did I try to be the person you needed, the person you need to become in order to be one. To be a person, to be human. You were the star that shined above them all, but whenever I looked into those eyes, it felt like looking at the garbage of the world, the product of exhaustion, the product of hate.

It takes a man to be a man, but how do you expect to be one when there was no one to guide you. Wandering through earth without a meaning nor a purpose. And yet I never left your side, no matter how angry you were, how sad or happy, I stayed, hoping that one day you will come back.

And how we loved. We loved day and night. We loved without knowing what it means to love, but we worked through it, right? And yet, this bitter taste will never leave my mouth, etched on my tongue, the memories of the rotten. The memories of those eyes.

Chapter I: The devil is looking.

No matter how many times the sun kisses me good morning and the moon kisses me good night, the memories of your eyes haunt me. They haunt my everything. I didn't understand it. You smiled so brightly, you were my sun, so why did it feel as if the devil was watching me through your eyes?

You hid a lot from me. You hid your pain, your happiness and yourself. All for what? You always cared so much about what other people thought, what other people saw, but I wasn't other people. I was you and you were me and yet there were days I couldn't recognize the me in you. You vanished before my eyes and all I could do is watch. Because for some reason I thought the devil in your eyes would still love me, despite everything.

But in the end he was mocking me. He was laughing at me, knowing I couldn't do anything about it. I could just watch how he killed you, watch how he took the me in you away, leaving only the "you" that was never meant to exist.

All because the devil was looking.

Chapter II: Father, you're crying for me.

Father, forgive me for my dance, for my conversations, promises and lies I made with the devil. Forgive me for I was deceived that the man I loved the most was still there, still inside and that the devil will quickly leave.

But he never left. And now I feel as if the devil is a part of me as well. I have a hunger. A hunger never to be stilled. But what am I hungry for? I don't know it myself. My soul is longing for something. Something I can't grasp and secretely I think I was longing for you. For the man that never was one. For the man that didn't know how to be one. For the man I wanted to make a man out of.

I don't blame you for it. You are not at fault. Look at the state of the world. Nobody could have ever taught you to be a man, since being a man was looked down upon - atleast that's the mantra they manifested. Look at those men that tried to pretend to be one. Look at them and tell me, is this the man you wanted to be? Is this the man you longed for? What does it mean to be a man for you? And tell me why you could never be one.

But I still loved you the same, because for me it didn't matter if you were a man or a man that liked to be one, I was you and you were me. That's what mattered to me.

Chapter III: The Us that was never meant to be.

The finale's finally over. I am not alone with you anymore. Does it pain you the same way it pains me? Or did you learn to accept it? I don't know how to accept. I don't know anything anymore.

We strayed too far from the way we used to be. We became something abnormal, something inhuman. There was no me in you anymore, because you were simply gone. But I somehow am happy that you're gone. I am finally released from the chains that bid me to you. Free from the words that never reached me and the thoughts that rot my existence.

Chapter IV: The hate you hide within.

And when I held your cold body, I knew I was weak. I knew but I still wanted to believe that there was some strength in me. I didn't know to love. I didn't know how to love. I took you for granted, determined that you could never leave. I cared about your humanity not the devil in you. I should have cared for the devil too. I should have found a way to let the devil release you, so I could look into your eyes again. I wanted to look into the love and brightness not the hate and darkness. I am happy now, but if I remember you again, what will happen? Will I see the devil again? Will he try to take the you in me and form it to the me that was never meant to be?

Or will he try to guide me to you again, living in love and misery. Hate and contentment. I love you and I always will, even with the hate you hide within. You are me and I am you, there is nothing that will change that.

∆∆∆

Hello everyone! This is the part where I will describe the meaning of this story BUT if you want to have your own interpretation feel free to skip this text!

The story is quick and simple: Depression taking out another life. Depression here being the "devil". This story follows the reader throughout their inner thoughts on how helpless they felt when looking into Choso's eyes, because whenever they looked into them, they were full of hate.

The first chapter is the acknowledgement that Choso was suffering from something. In the second chapter the reader slowly developed depression too. Originally there was a passage mentioning that the reader also never knew to be a woman but since I wanted to make the reader genderless I deleted it. The reason behind the whole men/women passage was to show that society itself doesn't know what gender truly is and that it is just a construct to put labels onto people. Chapter three is quite short. The reader accepts what has happened, that Choso was gone and felt happy about it, because it felt like a weight has been lifted from them. The last chapter is also about acceptance, coming to a common ground that the "devil" (depression) took Choso.

Buuuuut this story also has a double meaning. Throughout the story you can see the phrase "the me in you" pop up meaning that the reader and Choso were one. Choso was the manifistation of the readers pain, suffering and depression. Slowly we see how Choso "dissappears" which also means that the depression leaves - which is why the reader feels happy about it.

And that's the story about "The hate you hide within." It is basically a piece on self-reflection since only you can really see the "devil" in your eyes and you are the only one that can accept or decline his advances. Remember that even if times get tough you are still the only person that understands your pain, so work with you not against you, because there will never be anyone that can love you the way you love yourself.

BYEEEEEEEE

[killuachii]

The fleeting feeling of unreached happiness.

Keita's pov

I was happy once. I was the happiest person that has ever existed. I was so happy that I couldn't feel any other emotion. But that feeling went away. Now I am nothing more than a shadow of the past. A faint memory. And if I'm being honest, it will stay like that for a while.

I don't understand who friend or foe is. I don't understand who my loved ones are. I don't understand anything anymore. The moment I trust, I will get hurt. But at the same time, the moment I don't trust, I hurt others. I can never win in a life like this. Are the feelings of others justified? Or are they just going with what the masses say? I can't help but put my words to pen and dedicate letters to each and one of my feelings.

To the happiness I have loved

I have always seen myself as someone that doesn't look good with sadness on them, so I tried my best to show people my happy sides. Maybe they will get happy too once they see me? I love to make others happy but would there be someone out there who would want to make me happy? That's what I have been wondering. Everyone deserves happiness and it shouldn't be something that you should earn first. I want to wake up with a smile and go to sleep with it. I want to live with that smile and die with it.

I got lost on the tracks and finally lost something that was very dear to me - the happiness I have loved so dearly. Now every moment I live is not livable anymore. Now everything has turned grey for me and I don't know if I'll be able to see the colours of life again. Right now I am just a waste of space. A waste of potential and a wasted life.

My loved ones are turning to shapes. I can't recognize them anymore. This is why I lost my trust.

To the trust that got away

Living a life for your own sounded great at first but soon I realised I needed people around me. People who I could trust, that I could love and support and do anything for them. But once my beloved happiness slipped through my hands, I let go of my trust.

I didn't know who I was and I didn't know who they were. Did they want to hurt me? Or did they really care about me? Everything in me is a riddle. There is no key for the lock in my heart. There is no sunshines and clear skies in my head. All that consumes me now are dark skies and chains. I feel captured. Captured by my inability to trust. Captured by all these thoughts that are mocking me. Mocking my being and anything related to it. I don't feel human anymore. When I look in the mirror I see nothing. There is no person looking at me anymore. I am met with words of disgust, words I never wished to hear.

This is when the fear in me started. A fear that is too heavy to put into words.

To the fear that consumes me

When I stopped being human, that's when the fear took over me. I can't recognize anything anymore. Who loves me and who hates me? Who will be there for me and who will just point and laugh? When times get rough who is the person I can count on? When I don't want to exist, who will tell me they need my light? These are the thoughts that hinder me from realising who is my friend and who wants me dead.

Would you miss me if I disappear? Or were you waiting for it to happen? Do you see me as a loved one or do you think of me as disposable? The fear won't let me think straight. I started to become afraid of everything. I am afraid of people, afraid of objects, afraid of myself. I am just a wasted human, I have no use in this life anymore and that's what I fear the most. As a wasted life it's easier to end it all - nobody would care regardless.

But could I ever do something like this to myself? Could I just end it all and release this damned existence?

To myself

I have loved you. I have always loved you and still do. Please never forget that. You are my light and my darkness. If you die, I won't exist anymore. I love you more than anything else and I am so sorry to you. When people don't see the wars you have fought, I do. When you start crying, I will wipe your tears away. Nobody knows your pain, but I do. And I love you for your pain, your fear and your happiness. Please don't kill the light that lights me up. I know it's hard but you are not alone. If no one is there, I will and I'll do anything for you.

I have loved you through so many years and many years to come. I will love you in your life and your death. Don't worry about things that lay out of your control. If they refuse to understand your feelings, I always will. I will wait for you happily. I will care for you. Just please never forget that if the world decides to hate you, I will always love you. The journeys we had, the fights we had, the pain we shared and the happiness we shared will always be embedded in our history together.

I believe that with you I can make a change. With you I will find happiness.

To the future

The future seems so distant but yet I can grasp it. I am sure that there will be good things ahead, I have someone I can trust again, someone I can love again, someone that makes me human. The world doesn't stop for me, it goes on and so will my life. If I keep spiraling in thoughts of unhappiness I will never be happy. I want to make a change. I deserve the life that has been taken away from me. I deserve to be happy.

There are still some steps I have to take to truly be happy. But the most important thing is myself. There is no one that shares the same pains as me just like myself. So I have to take care of us. Both my physical self and my spiritual self deserve to see a life behind all the darkness. Behind the fog that has been suffocating me. Nobody can give me the life I yearn for but myself.

I am thankful for myself and the ones that didn't get away. The ones that after all the battles lost could still love me and care for me. If no one else is willing to love me, they will and I am thankful for all of them. Thank you for seeing my light and believing in it.

∆∆∆

Hello guys! In this story we follow Keita through his own battles with his mind. At first he seems to struggle with the image of himself and labeling him as "a waste", who is unable to feel loved but after a while Keita realizes that the only person that can make him feel the love that he deserves is himself! He starts realising that there always will be a person waiting for him at home, even if it's just himself!

Thank you for reading! o7

[killuachii]

10 reasons why I never loved you.

6urse Geto x Reader

Geto's POV

On days like these I keep reflecting. I reflect on my past and also you. The memories are tormenting every waking thought, but I wonder if they are tormenting you the same way.

On days like these I get to experience these thoughts. Those thoughts about lost loves, lost souls, lost sounds and lost people. I wonder if you are just as lost as me.

On days like these it pains me to realize that I have never loved you.

Reason Number One - Your sparkling eyes

I can't explain it but something about your eyes made me sick. You were full of life, full of hope and I hated every single bit of it. The way you shined as if you were the brightest star in the constellation, the way you would look at me like a child being fascinated with the world, all that disgusted me.

Your eyes. Those eyes, they were the start of everything. Your eyes started mocking me. Deep down I know you were disgusted by me but why did your eyes show such a warmth? Why could I experience a burning love just by looking at your eyes? Why couldn't you just look away? Never look at me again, I can't bear your gaze. I can't bear the warmth. I couldn't bear you that's why I left.

But that's only one reason out of ten.

Reason Number Two - Your smile that melts me

Everyday was the same. You'd greet me with a smile in the morning, and wished me a smiley goodnight. It was infuriating. I started hating that smile. Your smile started betraying me. After all, I still can't understand the way it made me feel. How happy I was, how desperate I was to see your smile. But now your smile is gone and I can't feel the love I have once felt. The love that made me so sick of you. The love that destroyed every story of me and you. It's all your fault in the end.

Your smile. That smile made me feel like nothing else. But I just couldn't stand it anymore. Your smile was everything and nothing to me. If I could wish for one thing, I would wish to forget about your smile. That memory pains me. Never smile at me again. There is no reason for that. Leaving you made me realize that it was for our own good.

But those are only two reasons out of ten.

Reason Number Three - Your tantalizing touch

Phantom hands are tracing their fingers on my skin. They remind me of you. You loved to hold my hand, hug me tight and much more. Your touch made me weak. Your touch became dentrimental for me. I hate how I still can't help but think of you whenever I am craving touch, whenever the loneliness swallows me. I can't help it but to hide the pain. The pain that you inflicted.

Your touch. It's all the fault of your touch. If you haven't hugged me, if you haven't kissed me, if you haven't loved me, I would still be happy. Now I hate thinking about your touch. I hate thinking about you. I am slowly starting to hate you. But yet I am still so desperate for your touch. My heart, it cries out for you in desperation. The desperation that became my reality. I was just observing, wondering what could have been. Was this really the right choice afterall? Am I happy that I left or is the thought of abandoning you soothing my own troubles? I started thinking, was I in the right to leave you?

But those are only three reasons out of ten.

Reason Number Four - Your voice that whispers old melodies in my head

You make me sick. You make me so sick. I hate every single bit of you. I keep hearing the voices of the past. I keep hearing you. I can't, no, I don't want to hear you. Your voice keeps echoing throughout the halls of my solitude. It makes me so sick. Why should I keep hearing your beautiful voice on repeat. Those fragments of your voice string a melody in my heart. A melody that makes me cry. A melody that makes the pain come out of me, like vomit out of my mouth. It's destroying me.

Your voice. Your voice disgusts me. But I still can't help longing for it. I replay every voice message you have ever send me. In the end of the day I am just a weak man born from a corpse. A man that couldn't handle the joy of your voice. A man that started hating everything, including you. I hate that that voice told me how much it loved me. It upsets me that something so disgusting could love me. And yet I can't deny it, but at that time I loved it too. I loved you. But those memories and feelings are long gone. I have been lost in the waves of my regret and it's been ages since I have seen the shore. I am sorry that I have left you.

But those are only four reasons out of ten.

Reason Number Five - The turning point

On days like these I start reflecting. I reflect on the person I was and the person I am. Back then I was too stupid, too selfish and not the man that you deserved to have. I have caused you so much pain. I caused you disappointment and grief. The me of today regrets the choices of past me. It started to hate the past me and the past me hated the me of today. If it had loved me, I wouldn't have to feel the way that I do now. The me of today is the product of the hate of the past me.

You were so tired. I wish I could've cared more. But I didn't. The past me couldn't love the me of today. The past me couldn't love you like the me of today does. It's just one sided, since there is no way for you to ever love the me of today, if the only thing that binds you to the name Geto is the me of the past. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you. If I could've shown you a sparkle in my eyes, if I could've melted your heart through my smile, if I could've captivated you with my tantalizing touch, if I could've put you under a melodious spell with my voice, would you be able to love the me of today? Thoughts like these don't matter anymore. I have done the damage. That's why leaving you turned into a nightmare.

But those are only five reasons out of ten.

Reason Number Six - The lies you told me

This is when you started to change. The happiness in you disappeared and every atom of you started hurting. All because of me. You said that you loved me but I could tell that you were full of hate towards me. I knew that you hated me, because of the things I have caused you. You told me that it's going to be okay, but I knew you didn't believe in your words. You said we are going to work this out but you knew best that this wouldn't be happening.

Your lies. The lies you told me, that you believed to be the truth started slowly eating away on you. Even if I promised to change, it wouldn't made you feel better. You would started doubting yourself. Wondering why I couldn't have been the best version of me from the start. You'd ask yourself why you weren't worth of my love. I wouldn't be able to answer you. You were perfecting, I wasn't. That's when I slowly started distancing myself, while you were still seeking for me. You did nothing wrong, it was me. Why did I let you suffer so much? I don't know. You didn't deserve any of this. That's why leaving you became a burden.

But those are only six reasons out of ten.

Reason Number Seven - The hate you've shown me

The way I hid my love, you reciprocated. You distanced yourself from me. No one was greeting me in the morning or wishing me goodnight anymore. Everything began to turn monotonous. Everything that we, no you, build up started crumbling before our eyes. My mind starts wandering through the waves of my thoughts. I wonder if I would have taken your hate seriously, if I could have changed the outcome of me and you.

Your hate. I am thankful for your hate. I realized how wrong I was. I realized that I wasn't half the man that you deserved. Apologies aren't enough to fix the core of your heart. I am sorry for every single bit of pain I have caused you with my reckless being. I can't turn back time and I can't turn you back to your old self. Your old self that was pouring happiness everywhere you went. Now all I remember is the empty shell of a person. A person who gave their all and got nothing in return. I hope you find peace. I hope your heart can heal. I started realizing that leaving you was a big mistake.

But those were only seven out of ten reasons.

Reason Number Eight - The soul that you took

Now I am only an empty body. An empty body searching for a purpose. Searching for a soul. If there is no you, there would be no me. Without you there is no love. Without me you would have been happy. Yet again I am lost in the waves of desperation and hate. I am reflecting on the day that you couldn't take it anymore. On that day you were honest for once. On that day our souls finally lost their connection. Our bodies were right in front of each other, but our hearts were miles away. We couldn't understand our love anymore.

A soul. A soul is nothing in my eyes. Just a burdensome existence. You lost every piece of it. I ate away at your soul, your heart and body. I couldn't recognize you anymore. I didn't know who you were anymore. But that story you knew too well. You were never able to recognize me. To recognize the pain, the sorrow, the thruth your heart was screaming out, but you kept on ignoring. When did you start to hate yourself that much? You should have left the first time you felt a shattering in your heart. You should have left me and not wait to completely fall apart. Your soul was the key fragment for your completion, but you threw it all away. You threw away your soul for a life of freedom on a line. For a man that gave you nothing. I left you. I left you with all the sorrow, grief, resentment and solitude. That's why I couldn't enjoy the decision of leaving.

But those are only eight reasons out of ten.

Reason Number Nine - The fear of losing you

The me of today and the way that I am on this day are the only reasons why I keep reminiscing in the past. There is no way my thoughts would reach you so I stay in here. But what is here? Here is the place where men like me end up. Men that couldn't be the best versions for the people around them. Men that only thought about themselves. Men who want to reflect. Men who regret.

Losing you. I was never worried of losing you because I was determined that you couldn't leave. But right now I don't know how to put those words to pen. To describe what I feel about you. I am glad that my thoughts can't reach you. And I wish that your thoughts would never reach me. I don't want to know what you think about me. I am not a good man. Everything that binds you to the word love is the pain and image of me. I don't blame you, if you never trust again. Do you think we would meet in every universe? Do you think I will hurt you in every reality? Do you even think about me? I wouldn't blame you, if you didn't. All this time I was thinking about you, thinking about the past, present, love and myself. I am slowly realizing that I hate myself for leaving you.

But those are only nine reasons out of ten.

Reason Number Ten - It was all my fault

I am so sorry. If this ever reaches you I am sorry. Apologies are not going to turn back time. They don't turn you back to the you I have grown to hate but in reality I loved every bit of you. Why am I sorry? I don't know. These feelings are new to me but they still feel like as if they have always been a part of me. Those feelings just seem logical for me. I don't want to start over again. I don't want to meet a new person, a new love. I will always remind myself of the person who was not the person who is. The past will never disappear. Almost as if I am advertising my mistakes for everyone to see. The thoughts of me changing, but still being the old me in someone elses head discourages me. But change has to occur. Change is what will set you free. What will set me free.

I am thankful for your sparkling eyes, your smile that melted me, your tantalizing touch, the melodies of your voice, the lies that you told, the hate you've shown me, the soul that is long gone and the realisation that I had lost you. I am nothing compared to you. My existence is lower than yours. After all this time I am finally seeing that I am at fault for everything. You did your best while I did nothing in return. Could you spare to look at a man like me, if we ever met again? Would you be able to recognize me, if I changed? Those questions are all useless, since you will never find back to me. That's why I regret to have left you.

Those were all the ten reasons why I never loved you.

∆∆∆∆∆

Thank you for reading!

In this story we follow Geto in his thoughts. In this story Geto was in a relationship with the reader. He starts reminscing on the relationship you two had and at first puts the blaming for the end of the relationship on the reader. In reason five however he starts acknowledging that he was the one that caused the end of the relationship between you two. He starts to slowly regret leaving the viewer and falls into a hole of self hate. He wants to change as a man but feels discouraged by the image he has printed into your brain. No matter how much he changes, in your head he will always be half the man that he wanted to be.

Anyways stan 6urse

[killuachii]

Kpop Masterlist

ლ itzy

I feel ashamed of dying. - Lee Chaeryeong itzy

ლ skz

Welt away little forget-me-not, let the sun kiss you on your way home. - Lee Felix skz

Explanation

Bring me the sky, with all the stars. My star left me a long time ago. - Bang Chan skz

ლ terazono keita

The day I became blind. - Terazono Keita ciipher/evnne

The fleeting feeling of unreached happiness.

There is no "me" in me.

ლ blackpink

My darling fell down the river. I wonder where she is going. - Rosé bp

Explanation

ლ txt

the moon could never shine as bright as you. - k. taehyun