Sapientia Et Veritas

[kilo85]

'Murica!!!!

[kilo85]

Life's not a race...

Every year, White Sands Missile Range holds the Bataan Memorial Death March. The 26-mile long march through the desert commemorates the forcible transfer of tens of thousands of American and Filipino prisoners of war at the hands of Japanese Army following their surrender at the Battle of Bataan. Considered one of the gravest war crimes of the Second World War, the POWs endured harsh and inhumane treatment and many lost their lives. Today, the memorial march attracts thousands of participants from all corners of the globe, everyone from elite military units, to ROTC cadets, to everyday civilians.

I had looked forward to participating in Bataan ever since I got my orders to come to White Sands in October of 2010. You can imagine my elation when I received a surprise call from my First Sergeant inviting me serve as team captain for our company's five-man team.

What a great opportunity to show everyone how awesome I am! This will earn me points on my OER! We’re going to kick everyone’s butt and do this in record timing! All these optimistic thoughts swirled in my head for the following month or so, as I trained up for the event with an arduous workout routine that included distance running and leg exercises.

Together with my commander, we recruited four other soldiers from our company to form a team of five.  Not only was I the leader, I was also the oldest and the highest ranking of the group (the rest being lower enlisted.) Here we are at the morning of the march, during the opening ceremony:

Who can stop us, right?

From the onset, we made tremendous progress, bounding in front of other teams and making a steady advance on the trail. By the time we reached about halfway, we had passed the greater part of the crowd. We were on track to finish the race in excellent time. Just look at us go:

What a formidable group of studs!

When we hit the twentieth mile, one of our teammates, a young private, started complaining about pain in his shin. Being the friendly and compassionate person I am, I told him to suck it up and keep going. I figured it was just a little cramp that he could walk off. I was wrong. Turns out he had a serious stress fracture in his lower shin and ankle. I considered the possibility of leaving him beyond to be scooped by the medics, while proceeding to the end with the other three soldiers. But, I ultimately decided that we should finish as we started: as a team.

The last few miles of the race dragged on for hours as we carried our injured teammate towards the finish line. I felt dejected and angry. This race was supposed to my moment to shine, but thanks to this wimpy private, we were finishing hours after we were supposed to.  My bitterness and resentment, however, quickly evaporated when the five of us crossed the finish line together, carrying our hobbling buddy in the middle. Even though we came through relatively late, the crowd that had gathered stood up and applauded us for our efforts to maintain team unity and not leave behind a wounded comrade. After I found the proper medical attention for our injured teammate, I ran into another soldier from our company. Much to my surprise, he informed me that our team was the only one from White Sands that maintained team unity at the finish line, thus making us the only ones who weren’t disqualified.

In the following months I had time to reflect on my experience with Bataan, and I realized that the event serves a metaphor for our mortal experience: life is not a race. Our race time did not make us a good team, nor did our efforts to beat those around us.  What made us a great team was the fact that we opted to stay together and support each other, rather than pursuing selfish goals. What made our race enjoyable was the experience of stomping through a pristine desert, seeing great sights and tackling a formidable challenge as a group of friends.

So the life advice I can give based on my experience that day is thus: don’t run your race so fast that you neglect those struggling around you, and don’t remain so focused on a achieving worldly goals that we fail to appreciate the wonders that life has to offer.

[kilo85]

My dilemma

Here is an excerpt from my old blog that I had when I was going through my initial training at Fort Leonard Wood. I originally posted this about two years ago:

My second Sunday at Church, I showed up a bit early. As I was sauntering into the chapel, I was randomly accosted by some 40s-ish sister.  "Are you from the branch?" She asked. She was referring to the military branch on post where soldiers going through basic training and AIT meet. I guess she thought I looked like a private...that's okay, I know I'm young-looking, as people often mistake me for a teenager. This time I decided to feign ignorance. "...branch?" I asked. "The military branch on post." She said. "No, this is my ward. I'm here for Engineer BOLC. I'm a Lieutenant." I said in a matter-of-fact way, trying not to come off as cocky. Then she got inquisitive: So how old are you? What did you major in? Where did you go to college? When I answered BYU, it wasn't hard to anticipate the follow-up question: are you married? I looked down sheepishly. "No, I'm still single." Suddenly, her expression changed. Her lips curled into a smirk, and her eyes focused on me in an analytical stare that only a mother could give. "I have a daughter," she said, "and she's really cute. I want set you two up on a date...but she's gone back to college. But yeah, if she were here I'd set you up." I didn't know how to respond. "Yeah...that'd be nice," I stammered, trying to sound confident and upbeat.

This episode serves as a prime example of a phenomenon I experience everywhere I go: LDS moms trying to set me up with their single twenty-something daughters. This happens all the time! I suppose I should be flattered by their admiration, and I enjoy not having to worry about parental approval. However, I would much prefer if the daughters themselves were equally impressed. They never are.  

The disparity of perceived attractiveness between the moms in their forties and young women in their twenties has perplexed me over the years. I’ve come to the conclusion that differences in maturity and life experience cause women to use different sets of criteria when evaluating men. This is how it breaks down:

Younger women ask:

Is he cute?

Is he a good singer?

Is he a good dancer?

What sports does he play?

Is he charming and romantic?

Is he a fancy dresser?

I think these girls’ ideas on relationships are shaped by Disney movies, where the handsome, gallant prince rides off into the sunset with his princess, and then they live happily ever after…because the sole prerequisites for a successful relationship and lasting happiness are being cute and having a romantic story and musical duet.

Older women’s priorities deviate from this notion quite a bit:

Older women ask:

Is he temple worthy? 

Does he have a good career, or is he is working towards one?

Is he dedicated to supporting his wife and family and will always put them first?

By the time women are old enough to have daughters of marriageable age, they’ve gained enough wisdom and experience to understand what really makes a relationship work. They’ve grown out of the fanciful “fairytale” ideal, and focus on the man’s potential to fulfill the three Ps: Preside, Provide and Protect.

Apparently, when moms meet me, they see me as smart, hard working, responsible and an ideal candidate to meet such duties. While I won’t comment on the validity of these observations, I can see why they would think that. I served a mission. I attend the temple. I have a BS in engineering. I have a good job. All good things, right?

I’ve ruminated over this phenomenon many times, but I’m hesitant to express my sentiment in public, as it would make me sound like an arrogant prick (“there’s nothing wrong with me, the only reason chicks don’t dig me is because they’re too stupid to recognize what a great guy I am!”) I try to avoid wading in the marsh of self-pity, as that would just cause feelings of bitterness and frustration.

But sometimes I do.

One time I posted on my Facebook page how I wished women my age judged men by the same criteria that their moms do. The obviously self-serving whine was immediately met with a snarky response from my brother: “date the moms!”

:-)

[kilo85]

What qualities do you look for in a woman?

I'd have to say that the guy who runs this blog sums it up quite nicely :-)

[kilo85]

And one more piece of advice...

Never be a jerk to anyone.

I think the worst and most unattractive trait a person can posses is the tendency to seek self-aggrandizement through the denigration of others. Bullies feel the need to ridicule, attack and humiliate others in order to assert their superiority.

I saw this phenomenon all the time when I was in ROTC, as senior cadets would needlessly harass their younger peers, thinking that their rank (and it wasn’t even real rank, these were cadets!) somehow entitled them to some kind of obsequious kow-towing from those “beneath” them. I specifically remember one such cadet who was a huge jerk to me. He thought he was the awesomest guy ever because he won some prestigious award at our training camp, and he would always talk down to me, ridicule me publicly and imply that I was someone inept at my ROTC stuff. Well, it turned out the cadet was a slacker academically, because I ended up finishing my degree and commissioning before he did. I later found out that he didn’t even finish at all…he got kicked out of BYU his last semester. Since this guy didn’t fulfill his service commitment to ROTC, he’s now a non-promotable lower-enlisted soldier in the Utah National Guard. Ouch. I bet he regrets being cocky. I could mock him for his misfortune…but that would make me just as bad as he is, wouldn’t it?

Some men think that being mean to others will make themselves look macho, but believe me, it’s a huge turn-off for any self-respecting woman. It ties in with what I wrote earlier about being confident and not cocky. This specific type of cockiness is the worst kind, because it goes beyond the comparatively benign “I’m so awesome”-type arrogance to the realm of “I’m awesome, these people are inferior, and I’m going to put them down”-type meanness. Women are actually impressed to men who are kind and gentle, especially when they don’t have to be.

Speaking of which, besides being the morally right thing to do, there are practical benefits to showing respect towards those who may be deemed socially “beneath” you. I saw a good example of this principle earlier this year, when I was pulling staff duty at the battalion headquarters. The soldier who was assigned to be my “runner” (read “assistant”) was a private who had been demoted to E1, the lowest rank in the Army. The sergeants I worked with deemed this private to be unworthy of their respect due to his low rank, and talked to him like a dog. I, on the other hand, decided not to call him “maggot” or “puke” (even though I could’ve with impunity), but instead just addressed him like a normal person. I didn’t coddle him or treat him like a buddy, but I did treat him with respect. And during that duty shift, he did a good job. That same evening, I went home and cooked up some barbecue ribs for him and the other staff duty soldiers. They were all grateful, but I thought nothing of it.

Months later, I had some poorly-timed automotive troubles and took my Volkswagen in to the auto shop on post. I had to get to work before the end of my lunch hour, and my car wouldn’t be ready by then. All the officers in my section were busy at a staff meeting, so they couldn’t give me a ride. It was a scorching New Mexico summer day, but I had no choice but to make the two-mile-long trek back to my office on foot.

I had scarcely started across the street, when old car sped by, then stopped and backed up.

 “Hey sir, d’ya need a ride?” I heard a familiar voice say. I looked up to see that same private at the wheel.

“You’re a lifesaver,” I said, as I climbed into his car,  “I owe you one.”

He smiled. “Think nothing of it, sir.”

The bottom line is, the biggest test of character is whether or not we’ll show kindness when being mean is seemingly inconsequential, and how we treat others may come back in ways we don’t expect :-)

[kilo85]

I think she saw it coming a mile away :-)

[kilo85]

The field is white, already to harvest!

Last Sunday at church, three young sisters (all college freshmen) announced that they had received their mission calls. Two to Brazil, one to Canada. The decision to change the age of eligibility for mission service has been a welcome change.

A little over seven years ago, a nerdy, bi-speckled 19-year-old college student got off a plane in Montevideo, Uruguay to begin his mission there. After a few days of immigration in-processing, he met up with his trainer (a missionary from Paraguay) and got on a bus to head out to start preaching the good word.

His first area? Villa del Carmen:

Nestled in the geographic center of the country, Villa del Carmen is a quite, isolated and impoverished town surrounded by miles and miles of rolling hills and farmland.

Can you believe that's me? I look so young.

By the time my mission was completed, I had learned so much about the Gospel, missionary work, the Spanish language and the culture of Uruguay...I often wished I could start my mission over again and apply all the wisdom I had acquired, starting from day one.

But alas, time marches on. I can, however, share some of the wisdom I acquired along the way.

So here's what points of advice I can offer any prospective missionary:

Don't be afraid. Moving to another state or country to share your religious beliefs with strangers is a scary prospect for anyone. If you're a shy and introverted person like I was, then it'll be especially tough. Just keep in mind, you were called by the Lord to serve in the land you're serving. Think of the example of Moses, as recorded in the Old Testament. When the Lord first appeared to him and called him to be a Prophet, Moses protested, saying "O my Lord, I am not eloquent...but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue." Moses believed his speech impediment rendered him unable to lead his people. The Lord rebuked him, saying "Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say" (Exodus 4:10-12) Moses went on to perform miracles and lead his people out of bondage. The greatest lesson that we can draw from his example is that whom the Lord calls, he qualifies!

A mission is not a rite of passage. One especially pervasive myth in the Church is the idea that the purpose of a mission is to somehow change the individual and make them into a more responsible, mature and spiritual person. This is not true! While it is true that missionaries who serve honorably can reap tremendous blessings from serving, the real reason we serve missions is to bless the lives of others. Missionaries are called to serve people in the community, and invite them to receive the blessings by accepting the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. And that's your primary goal as a missionary: teach people the Gospel, help them feel the influence of the Holy Ghost, and help them reach the waters of baptism.

You must be prepared spiritually. In his now-famous October 2002 General Conference address, M. Russell Ballard stated: "We need vibrant, thinking, passionate missionaries who know how to listen to and respond to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. This isn’t a time for spiritual weaklings. We cannot send you on a mission to be reactivated, reformed, or to receive a testimony. We just don’t have time for that. We need you to be filled with 'faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God.'" Besides the obvious importance of moral worthiness, you need to have a firm testimony of the Gospel (especially the Book of Mormon) before you even begin the process of serving a mission. While on a mission, you'll be teaching with your testimony. You'll have to personally testify of Gospel principles such as tithing, Word of Wisdom, fasting, etc. to your investigators. Your testimony will invite the Spirit, and that's what converts people. Were that not the case, the Church would just print off and distribute pamphlets of information instead of sending out missionaries.

Be prepared temporally. It's hard to give specific advice on this topic because every mission is different in what the temporal needs are. In Uruguay, having sturdy footwear and an ample supply of cotton socks was essential. Also important were having proper bedding and pillows. Not only are clothes and luggage important, but also health and hygiene. Make sure you invest in a good hygiene bag. Also, make sure you eat a balanced diet and avoid eating junk food in lieu of real food. For example, during the end of my mission, a Paraguayan companion of mine taught me how to make fried pancakes. I got so fat I couldn't fit into some of my clothes! It was very unwise on my part. No matter what conditions you find yourself in, you must strive to live healthily. You'll be teaching investigators that your physical body is a temple for your soul, and if you're clearly not treating yours as such, you'll lose credibility fast.

Keep an open mind. We Americans often have a bad habit having an ethnocentric attitude and judge everything we see by American standards. I remember when I first got to Uruguay I kept thinking, "man, the way they do things here is so backward! Why can't they do it like we do in America?" Well guess what! You're not in America, you're in Uruguay. You cannot effectively engage and connect with the people you're serving unless you respect their culture and their way of life. While on a mission, you should strive to understand the customs and language of your new country.

I have countless more nifty tidbits for any prospective missionary, especially ones who're headed to Latin America. If you're curious, don't hesitate to ask me! :-)

[kilo85]

The real "nice guys" don't finish last...

Ah, how many times have you heard men complain that women aren’t attracted to “nice guys?”

Growing up as an overweight and socially awkward teenager, I often felt sad and frustrated over being romantically overlooked. I watched girls I had crushes on date guys that I considered jerks. “If only she could see what a loser he is and how badly he treats her!” I remember thinking to myself, “and if only she could see that I’d be so much better! I am, after all, the nice guy.” I soon learned that this attitude is very unhealthy. It only breeds bitterness and self-pity and does nothing to bring us closer to our goals.

Here are three points I need to make clear about being a so-called “nice” guy:

1.     Likes attract. That’s my thesis on human attraction. We naturally gravitate towards people of the same intellectual, moral, and spiritual fiber. That said, I can honestly say that (barring cases of deception) everyone gets the person they deserve. Next time you find yourself asking, “why does she date that jerk?” Stop and ask yourself, “do I want to date someone who’s attracted to jerks?” Probably not. Since we are the moral reflection of the people we find attractive, you’re not missing much. If it so happens that you are a kind, honest and hardworking person, then just keep being the awesome person you are! Someone who possesses these same qualities will recognize them, and will want to be with you.

2.     Being “friendzoned” is not necessarily a bad thing. I know how it feels when a woman you’re romantically interested in tells you that she’s not interested in anything more than friendship. Yes, it’s disappointing. But, rather than feeling defeated, try to see it as an opportunity to cultivate an actual friendship. Some of my best female friends are women I used to date. Also, I can say from experience that if you make a good impression on a young lady, even if she's not interested in you romantically, she may want to set you up with one of her friends!

3.     If you revile a woman for not being interested in you despite the fact that you’re the “nice” guy, then you’re not being nice! You’re being vindictive, creepy, and manipulative. A genuinely nice guy will treat all women with love and respect, and not feel entitled to have any romantic attention because of it. We don’t choose the people we want to date using a systematic approach where the most qualified candidate gets selected. Maybe the woman you like recognizes that you have positive qualities, she’s just not feeling it.

[kilo85]

What I wish I could tell every teenager...

When I attended church in Missouri, I was called to teach an Aaronic Priesthood class in my ward. Working with youth was fun, but it had some unique challenges. I’m again reminded of those same challenges when I get feedback from the young readers of my blog. In my discussions with young people about college, missions, dating, etc. there’s always one common element:

Insecurity.

In that transformative process between childhood and adulthood, teenagers tend to feel deeply insecure about their bodies (young women especially), their identity, and their future. They’re still struggling to figure out where they fit into society as a whole. Sadly, many of these young people lack confidence and self-esteem, fearing that won’t be able to succeed in accomplishing their life goals.

To those people, I give you this example.

Meet Alex:

Yes, that’s me. I was seventeen years old when my buddy snapped this photo of me.  I don’t remember exactly how much I weighed at the time, but as you can see, I was quite chunky. I spent all my free time playing video games and surfing the Internet. I never played sports, or did anything physical. I was perennially last-picked in gym class, not only for my dismal athletic abilities, but also my complete apathy towards sports. I couldn’t even jog a mile to save my life. I was a social outcast, with few friends outside my church youth group. The ladies? At the very best, they’d just ignore me and at the worst, they’d openly despise me. I went through all of high school without ever going on a date.

My senior year I was faced with a dilemma: I had saved up enough money to go to college or to go on a mission – not both. I needed a way to pay for school, and an ROTC scholarship seemed like my best bet. I had been interested in the military for a long time, since my dad was a career Air Force sergeant. It seemed like a natural fit, even though I was anything but militaristic. I did the initial paperwork and signed up for the physical fitness screening. When I took that first fitness test, I failed it miserably. But, they said I’d get another shot in another few weeks.

I knew I had to lose weight and build up some stamina. One day after school, I put on some running shorts, grabbed my MP3 player, walked outside my house, and took off running.  I barely made it two blocks when I passed three girls from my class walking down the street. I waved as I passed by, and one of them made a face and waved back. Even with the music blaring in my ears, I could still hear them burst out laughing behind me. Demoralized, I turned on to the next street…and then walked home. After that incident, I only ran at night.

But run I did. Starting that spring, I would leave the house to go running every night. After a few weeks, I was able to squeeze by the physical fitness requirements for ROTC, and after a few months, I was running for miles and miles. I lost tons of weight, and I felt great. I was awarded an ROTC scholarship and I got into BYU. That summer was incredible, and it was just the confidence builder I needed before starting college.

Over the next six years, I attended the university, went on a mission to Uruguay, and came back and graduated an Army officer. It was a rough, tumultuous road, but here I am.

Now, meet Alex:

I have a BS in Civil Engineering. I’ve graduated from Engineer Basic Officer Leadership Course and Mechanized Leader Course. I served as leader of platoon of 27 combat engineers for a year. For over a year, I’ve had the highest physical fitness score in both of companies I’ve served in.

Indeed, much has changed.

The biggest life lesson that I’ve picked up from all these years is simply this: if you refuse to try, no one can help you. But if you’re determined to succeed, no one can stop you. Ignore critics and naysayers. No matter what challenges we face, each of us has that innate potential to succeed and see our dreams become a reality :-)

[kilo85]

Seven elements of warfare that I wish I could teach all single guys

My service in the Army has blessed me with new insights and ideas about life in general. One area that’s been surprisingly relevant to my military training is the fun world of dating. The search for female companionship tends to dominate my conversations with other guys, and I often make my friends laugh with seemingly incongruous war metaphors to describe my experiences with the womenfolk…but in all actuality, they’re not too far off. Here are some interesting tidbits from my life as a soldier that I’ve applied to my life as a single dude:

Priority Intelligence Requirements (PIR) Every operations order has a list of things that we’re trying to figure out about the enemy: what weapons do they use? What are their uniforms, if any? Do they have the support of the local populace? The list goes on. Before the date even begins, men ought to formulate their own PIR list for the woman they’re about to see. The whole point of the first date is to get to know the person, so think of what you want to find out about her. How many siblings does she have? What are her career aspirations? Has she been a member her whole life? What are her hobbies? If you have the list made beforehand, you can think of ways to weave these questions into the conversation so you don’t sound like an FBI interrogator. Also, keep in mind that women like to talk about themselves, so make sure she’s always the focus of the conversation. Talking about yourself will make you come off as self-centered and cocky. You want to avoid coming off as more interested in telling her things than listening to her!

Route Reconnaissance. Before moving a convoy of vehicles and troops, the convoy commander goes ahead and scouts out the pathway to ensure that there are no roadblocks, ditches or other types of impediments that could prove troublesome along the way. These convoys can consist of dozens of vehicles and hundreds of soldiers. As a commander, nothing’s worse than launching a convoy to your destination, and then finding out “…um, actually we can’t go this way.” And then having to turn the whole convoy around and figure out a new direction. It reflects poorly on the leader and makes him look like he’s not competent, decisive or showing dedication to the operation. In this same way, before a date, I scout out whatever locale I’m going to take the young lady, and make sure that it fulfills the needs of my mission. For example, one time I asked a girl in my ward to go hiking with me. I had never been to the trail before, so the day before picking her up, I drove out to the place (a state park near Las Cruces) and consulted with the park ranger about parking, entrance fees, hours of operation, location of park benches (I planned on bringing a snack for us!) so I knew exactly what I was going to do. Women do notice if a date is well planned out, and by putting thought and effort into it, you’re demonstrating how much you care. This tactic also ties into…

Pre-Combat Checks and Inspections. (PCCs and PCIs.) Before every mission, Soldiers lay out their equipment and their leaders go through and ensure that all of it is (1) there to begin with and (2) serviceable. Having everything you need on hand days before the operation begins is essential. You don’t want embark on a nighttime exercise and then find out your flashlight’s batteries are out of juice (I learned that one the hard way! Uff!) Before the date even begins, make sure that you have enough cash on hand to pay for whatever it is. If you’re bringing a snack along, make sure you have enough for both you. Make sure you bring sunscreen if you’re going hiking in the middle of the summer. This principle ties in to route reconnaissance in that it shows thoughtfulness and preparedness.

Balance. When discussing the use of cruise missile strikes, President George W. Bush quipped, “When I take action I’m not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt.” Humorous as this quote is, there’s an element of tactical truth to it: even if you have a vast armament at your disposal, you never want to overkill. Even though I have a good job and make decent money, I’ve never spent more than $15 on a date, and that’s definitely a good thing. The women I like are all low maintenance, independent types who’re much more impressed by thoughtfulness and consideration than merely throwing money at them. The funnest dates I’ve been on are invariably the simplest, most inexpensive ones where we just went somewhere or did something fun together. It can be cooking together, going hiking, going to the temple, or even just walking around in the park. Spending too much money (especially on a first date) can make the young lady uncomfortable because she might be looking for nothing more than friendship, and may feel bad for making you “waste” your money.

Important note to my fellow brethren: if a woman you’re dating ever says “you don’t spend enough money on me!” or something to that effect, you should react to that as you would the starting shot of a 20-mile sprint. High maintenance girls are not worth it.

Flexibility. The motto of my ROTC class was “Ad Utrumque Paratus”, meaning, “prepared for either alternative.” When planning out an operation, you don’t want to put all your sticks in one basket. You want to always have a contingency plan in case something goes wrong. It can be an alternative route, a plan for tactical retreat, or a defensive formation in case an ambush takes place along the way. Before going out, you should think of everything that could possibly go wrong and how you will mitigate those potential disasters. What if there’s inclement weather? What if there’s a traffic jam? What if there’s a missile launch in the area and the part of the road that leads to the base where your house is has been blocked off, and you and your date are stuck behind a military barricade for half an hour? Yes, that last one is real. Just expect the unexpected, and be ready.

Communication. As one of the most fundamental elements of warfare, maintaining clear channels of communications is essential for operational success. Quick and accurate dissemination of information will guarantee unity and prevent wasting time and effort. The same is true for before, during and after a date. When you ask the young lady out, be sure to give her a clear picture of what the date will entail. Will you be walking a lot? If so, better leave the heels at home. Will you be outside the whole time in cold weather? Be sure to bring a jacket. Will you be going to get dinner? Make sure you don’t eat already. You get the picture. it’s all about about being considerate and ensuring she knows how to prepare. Keep the conversation going during the date and make sure she knows what you’re doing so she’s not in the dark. Let her know what your intentions and feeling are. Don’t send mixed signals that could confuse her. The more open and transparent you are, the better.

The last and perhaps most important element is:

Be confident, not cocky. One thing soldiers look for in a leader is confidence. If their commander knows what he’s doing and knows that his mission will succeed, it will be made manifest in the way he carries himself, the way he addresses others, and how he goes about doing his job. Confidence in battle is essential for maintaining control and being an effective leader. Cockiness, on the other hand, is the bane of leadership. The battles of Waterloo, Stalingrad and Little Big Horn are all excellent historical examples of the consequences of leaders’ arrogance in armed conflict. In the same way, men’s egos have also lost them many a relationship. Women can’t stand men who are full of themselves. They despise listening to braggarts and especially dislike men who seek self-aggrandizement by denigrating others. Confidence, on the other hand, is a super-attractive trait. It may be tough for some to distinguish confidence from cockiness, but the key difference is self-assurance. A genuinely confident person never feels the need to build himself up, put others down, or refuse to listen to another view. So my best advice would be go into the date knowing that you’re an awesome guy and that you’ll be successful, but that you never have to personally prove it to anyone.

Makes sense?

Go for it, soldier!

[kilo85]

Three things I wish I could tell all single LDS women...

1. Modesty is important, but you are not responsible for men's "impure thoughts."

I've never sat through a young women's lesson, but from what I gleaned from conversations with my female friends, it seems that a recurring theme is the importance of maintaining one's "virtue" (a euphemism for sexual purity.) As a part of these lessons, adolescent LDS girls are taught to wear "modest" clothing. They're warned that  men are all super-horny and just want to have sex all the time, and it's the women's responsibility to keep them from having impure thoughts and acting on them.

This is simply not true. Men have just as much power over their thoughts, feelings and inclinations as women do. Though women should be wise in their clothing selection and not dress like sluts, it's never a viable excuse to treat them in a disrespectful way. So if a guy makes suggestive remarks, tries to touch your no-no parts or asks you to do something that you know is wrong, it's not because of the way you're dressed. It's because he's a perv.

Dress modestly because it shows respect for yourself, and respect for others. It also makes you more attractive! Nothing makes me sadder than seeing an otherwise attractive woman ruin her appearance with excessive makeup and tawdry dress...

2. The mission does not make the man.

In September of 2009, I wrote this as a letter to the editor of BYU's student newspaper, The Daily Universe. When it was published in the readers' forum section, it sparked a firestorm of controversy:

"The other day I was eating lunch in the Cannon Center when I overheard a conversation between two freshman girls in a nearby table. One of the girls mentioned that her sister was getting married to a guy back home who had enlisted right after high school. I almost choked when I heard the other girl's response: "You mean they're letting her marry him, even though he didn't serve a mission?!"

I'm sorry to break this to you, but the mission does not make the man. I've known just as many scummy RMs as I've known great guys who, for some reason or another, did not serve missions. I served a mission myself (been back over two years, actually) and I can honestly say that my mission didn't change me or make me a better person. The experience alone of having served a mission does not make you a more spiritual or hardworking guy, that's something that has to come from within. My advice to any single young woman would be not to look for returned missionaries, but simply men who have the specific attributes you want in an eternal companion."

...this letter generated a fair amount of buzz and angry responses (including inflammatory facebook messages), some accusing me of downplaying the importance of missionary work (I wasn't, obviously.) I can't stand the fact the LDS girls are taught from age two that they need to marry a returned missionary, or that RM status was synonymous with hard worker and worthy member of the Church. I know guys who served with me in Uruguay, including a companion of mine, who are completely inactive.

3. If you want to get asked out, you need to take the initiative.

About two months ago, I was visiting a couple from a ward I used to attend when I was a kid (the husband was my Young Men’s President.) When the conversation turned to life at BYU, they expressed dismay at their daughter’s dating prospects. “We’re so disappointed with the guys at BYU,” said the dad, “we have a daughter who’s been there for four years and she’s hardly been asked out on any dates!” I hesitated for a second. “Well,” I started, “if she wants to get asked out, she has to do her part…” The mom then chimed in, “I’m of the school of thought that it’s the man’s responsibility to do all the pursuing.” I cringed. The idea that romantic conquest is exclusively a man’s job is a great attitude to have if you’re a guy, but it’s terrible attitude for a woman to have.

Unfortunately, too many LDS girls have been raised with this idea that they can just sit there and men will ask them out. But alas, that’s not how it works. I know many single ladies at BYU (or in the Church’s YSA program in general) feel frustrated with not getting asked out on dates, a sentiment that’s no doubt compounded when they see their friends, roommates and classmates getting asked out and having meaningful relationships. In reality, dating is a choice, both for men and women. You can drastically improve your chances of getting asked out just by making yourself available. That includes going places by yourself. Most men are too timid to strike up a conversation with you in front of your friends, much less ask you out. Also, it helps to be more social and outgoing, and pretend to be interested in a guy when he’s talking to you. Men naturally gravitate towards women that come off as interested and impressed by them. Even if men don’t get the hint, a great way of getting dates is simply telling a mutual friend that you like someone and have that friend subtly tip them off (I recently attended the wedding of a couple I helped set up using that technique.) The bottom line is, women have just as much power in choosing whom they date and how often. So don’t just sit there, be pro-active!

[kilo85]

Like water through a Thistle...

J. Golden Kimball, a well-known LDS General Authority from years passed, once advised his brethren:"You men, always marry a woman from Sanpete County. No matter what hard times you experience together, she has seen worse."

If you're ever cruising southward on I-15 from the Salt Lake/Provo area, you can take the exit to highway 89 to get an eyeful of Sanpete County. It's a beautiful place. Overwhelming populated by the descendants of Anglo and Scandanavian Mormon pioneers, the little towns like Mount Pleasant, Fairview and Moroni give me a glimpse of what the urban areas in Utah must've looked like before becoming a major trade hub.

On the way there, you'll pass through a ghost town called Thistle:

The ruins of this house, and a few others, is are all that's left. I snapped this photo back in August of 2009 when I went down to Manti to attend my buddy's wedding. Just a semester or two earlier, our geology professor was telling us about the flood that destroyed the town. Long story short, in 1983 they had a landslide that created a natural dam by blocking off two creeks. The water built up over time, and eventually overflowed, resulting in massive flooding.

It's a pity, it looked like a nice place to live.