AU where the Batfam are more isolated from the rest of the hero community and nobody else knows their secret identities or even how actually they’re related. Bruce is super serious about that in this universe, which over the years leads his kids to decide that well, if he’s not going to let them tell the other heroes who they REALLY are, they’re just gonna have to find ways to have a little fun despite that.
Such as by spinning various tall tales about their parentage and family situation that Bruce could only counter or discredit by declaring their actual names and connections.
Which is how you end up with four Batbrothers and a Batsister who are all widely believed to be Batman’s biological children with a variety of lovers……and with said children being very….creative with how they describe these various affairs.
It starts with Dick, early on, answering questions about how he and Batman are really related with: Hi, I’m Batman’s love child with Justice!
Jason of course goes a more aggressive route: Yeah, I’m Bats’ love child with Vengeance.
Tim aims for lofty: I’m the product of Batman’s pursuit of Wisdom….
…but is thwarted by the combined efforts of his older brothers, who are just the worst.
Jason: Better known as ‘Boundary Issues.’
Dick: Also known to use the nom de guerre “The Average Citizen’s Right to Privacy in an Age of Surveillance aka BLOOP!”
Tim *draws his cape darkly around him*: I have no siblings.
Jason *jerks a thumb at her*: Hey meet our little sis. She’s Pops’ love child with the Night.
Hal *rolls his eyes*: Okay enough already, you kids have had more than enough fun with this little joke of yours, now can we get a real answer for once….
Hal: Aww crap, please don’t tell me he really does keep shacking up with like, cosmic entities or whatever, because I’ve really been banking on the assumption he and his brats are full of shit all these years.
Hal: ….you do? What does that mean, exactly?
Tim *darkly, from within the folds of his cape*: I know everything.
Jason: See? Boundary issues.
And finally along comes Damian, who is extremely aggrieved that he’s not allowed to reveal his true identity, which is the only way to convey that he is the only true ‘blood heir’ blah blah blah.
Not one to accept defeat, however, he figures that if he can’t just instantly leapfrog over the rest of his siblings in standing thanks to that little revelation, he’s at least going to come up with the claim that leaves him in most intimidating standing in the eyes of the other heroes.
…..or at least that’s his plan, until he realizes that his siblings have already used all the good ones.
Damian: Todd! I demand that you retract your claim of being the offspring of Vengeance, as I am obviously the far more suitable claimant to that title!
Damian: I will fight you for it!
Jason: Why would I do that when I already called dibs?
Damian: You can not call dibs on -
Bruce: Jason, would it kill you to just humor your brother, just this once?
Jason *very seriously, with the most gravity possible*: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I could die, B. Why do you want me to die? Again? For the second time? Does my suffering mean nothing to you? Do I mean nothing to you? Tell me the truth, Dad, if that’s even your real name, do you even love me at all?
Bruce: Why are my children like this?
Dick: What, like we were raised on a steady diet of theatrical flair and unnecessary deviations from the truth? Because despite all your dalliances with our mothers, you never really loved any of them, did you, you cad!? Your only true love is Paranoia, and there’s no room in your heart for anyone but her! I’m sorry Mother! He doesn’t deserve you, he never did!! I should’ve known it from the moment he left you for that tramp Vengeance!
Jason: How dare you speak of my mother that way! I will have revenge…
Dick: Oh biiiiiig surprise.
Bruce: I regret everything.
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