everyday i wake up and i go âgod iâm so tired. i canât do this anymore.â and then i get up and i continue to do it
Claire Keane
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@vesperings
everyday i wake up and i go âgod iâm so tired. i canât do this anymore.â and then i get up and i continue to do it
I think if I could be the kind stranger in someoneâs memory, thatâd be enough.
The morning my mom died, we left the hospital and didn't know what else to do but go get breakfast at a McDonald's. We shuffled in like zombies. We were pretty shell shocked after everything we'd been through. And because of that, I guess the three of us were kind of struggling with getting our drinks and napkins and carrying our trays of food. I couldn't even tell you how we struggled with such a simple thing. We were just lost in thought, I guess. All I really remember is this little old man, a complete stranger, helping us bring our trays to the table. We didn't even ask for help. He just did. It was so weird because it was like he knew what had happened. I never got his name. The whole interaction couldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes. But I can still see his face.
I dont care if you think people are fundementally selfish. I choose to believe people are good and even if i get taken advantage of im going to do my part to make the world fair and kind
Today 28 years ago my mom took me and went to a hotel to escape our abusive husband/father. We stayed for a week, and in that time a lifeguard girl gave me a little foam floaty gecko keychain. I kept it until it fell apart.
I don't remember her name or even what she looked like but I remember her kindness, long after the physical object desintigrated. She'd probably never remember me, but oh. Yeah. I remember her. đ
ive been thinking about this a bit and i feel like i have some very different feelings towards certain things and strongly disagree with the implications present in the ways i see them discussed. i do not like to simplify these themes to âvengeance/punishment bad wahhâ, because it does not at all feel complete enough to convey my true feelings, or the themes of the text itself for that matter imo, but like⌠ofc i personally cant read things like cerseiâs walk of shame, where she is punished, humiliated, and dehumanized through the one thing she was unfairly condemned for her entire lifeâ jaimeâs brutal maiming and torture where he is humiliated, fed things like horse piss which he forces down because he is so thirsty before vomiting it back up, gets repeatedly beaten unconscious, and is nearly driven to passive suicideâ theonâs excessive physical and mental torment that would take too long to list that breaks him entirelyâ and even a man as deeply evil as vargo hoat (who is not at all three dimensional) having his hands and feet and arms and legs cut off, be cannibalized, and even be forced to eat parts of himself, causing the pov character that swore to enact brutal vengeance on him to feel ill and repulsed once he finds outâ and experience much, if any, catharsis, personal feelings about these characters aside. asoiaf is a series where the author pretty often deliberately places us inside the heads of bad people that have done terrible things, who some readers may feel a certain hatred for, as they are put through torment. not to make the reader feel good and satisfied about it, but to present it as something that should not really be a thing that we revel in, and encourage us to be critical about what is even gained through what they are going through. even a morally dark antagonist without a pov like joffrey and his death was meant to have elements of tragedy. during, tyrion notes that he is a young boy with fear in his eyes that he had never seen in the eyes of his father. whether you feel a certain way about it (and i am not arguing that you are morally flawed for not sympathizing with a fictional character, this isnât real life, i am just discussing themes that i am identifying), the goal was not really to provide us with a feel-good âjustice at last!â emotion through the brutally violent death of a 13 year old boy. it makes me genuinely wonder how some ppl come away with the idea that this series is intended to be a celebration and glorification of punitive justice. i am not saying justice in general is not a huge theme, and some catharsis, especially for victims, over the death/defeat of their abusers & tormenters is present in the text as well, understandably so, because it can mean safety. take pia smiling through broken teeth when jaime has her rapist executed and presents his head to her while setting a precedent with gregorâs men. some people need to die, and deserve it, but what does that look like? who decides it? why? by contrast, the instance of jaime actually feeling good when he hangs a bunch of random outlaws reads as something more tied to his current relationship to the self and certain selfish desires at this point in his story than real justice, and it is further elaborated upon and taken apart in the book. anyway, all these questions are present and the answers are not near as simple as i often see them made out to be.
it doesnât feel like to me that most things that can be interpreted as enactments of punitive justice or moments of karma are these epic events that should just make the reader blindly cheer and applaud, or even feel good about. there is a reason that some things go awry (like with oberyn), and it isnât cynicism. there is nuance, and not in a way where victims are condemned for fighting back, or a pacifist ideology is idealized. there just really isnât a glorification of brutal punishment, âeye for an eyeâ vengeance, and the needless causing of suffering. same with a blind upholding of duty and law based around flawed feudalistic constructs. and all these things should not even be conflated. not to mention that punitive justice exists also in a way where it is connected to institutions. take the faith and organized religion for example. the whole process is interrogated: what is sin? what sins are being punished? how? why? and what are the actual effects? be it jaimeâs and brienneâs conversations/interactions with a bunch of different tertiary characters in affc, or cerseiâs punishment in adwd. at the end of the day, she is punished for her body, for being a woman. she does not suffer âconsequencesâ for her actual wrongs and the suffering she causes. she doesnât really learn anything, and it will all just make her spiral more. the whole concept of punitive justice gets focused on especially with theonâs entire identity being withered away through torture. he experiences so much torment that there comes a point where he is robbed of his mind and agency. what does the âcriminalâ learn? how can a person change in these circumstances? what is the point, and why should we feel good about this? he is not even really âpunishedâ for his crimes, and certainly not by people with any moral high ground over him, he is just being brutalized. same is the case with jaime in asos: it is a bad person being brutalized by men even more vile than he is, and they are not doing it because they want to deliver any justice to his victims. also, though the maiming does kickstart crisis with him specifically, it is not the determining factor when it comes to his reformation. this story is not actually saying that people can be, and should be, tortured into becoming better people, and if they canât the solution is to just axe them. there is nuance, sure, mercy is not something everyone is entitled to in all circumstances. sometimes âmercyâ towards certain evil people will lead to the enablement of the suffering of others, even entire populations. there are certainly circumstances where compromise isnât an option. but, again, i dont think george is ever holding back on actually interrogating the moral quandaries when it comes to identifying cycles and ending them, and he is for sure not treating every single aspect of these conflicts as black and white. even tyrion murdering his father, who purposefully does have a very ironic and humiliating death scene, which is important thematically, doesnât end in easy and feel-good catharsis, especially for tyrion, which doesnât equal âoh, tywin should be forgiven and sparedâ.
all of this is also why i do not really see how events like the fall of house lannister (first of all, we know it is gonna include the likely very brutal deaths of two innocent small children), red wedding 2.0, valonqar etc would be these grand and glorious moments of justice and pay-off, treated as just the good guys finally getting an epic W. they will very likely be filled with tragedy, so i am genuinely curious about where these expectations for this kind of catharsis come from
List of Shane Hollander's crushes:
Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid.
Patrick Swayze, specifically in Dirty Dancing because his mom would watch that movie whenever it came on and nine year old Shane would join her, watching with an innocent but fixed fascination he usually only ever showed for hockey related things.
Li Shang in Mulan.
An 8th grade classmate who occasionally told the other boys to knock it off when they made jokes at Shane's expense. He had that 90s popular boy curtain bangs haircut and Shane would sometimes fantasize about brushing the hair away from his face.
The boy who was the Captain of his U15 team the year he joined. Confused it for hero worship. He had a habit of ruffling Shane's hair and of teasing him in a way that sometimes crossed the line from affectionate to mean. Both gave Shane butterflies.
Scott Hunter, also confused for hero worship.
A 12th grade classmate who was on the basketball team and who always stood just a little bit too close whenever he talked to Shane, forcing Shane to crane his neck to look up at him.
Ilya Rozanov, unfortunately.
Carter Vaughn. He's cute, he's friendly, and he throws his arm around Shane's shoulders whenever they meet.
Ilya Rozanov, still.
A photographer who takes Shane's pictures for one of his many brand deals and is a little more hands-on than most, without touching Shane in any way that could be construed as inappropriate. Tells Shane "good job, kid, you're a natural" once the shoot is over, his voice warm and deep.
His boyfriend, Ilya Rozanov.
J.J. Boiziau, after J.J. takes him out to a gay club post Shane coming out and forces him onto the dancefloor with him. This crush is swiftly snuffed out the next week when J.J. tosses his socks at him in the locker room and the smell nearly knocks Shane out cold.
His husband, Ilya Rozanov â¤ď¸
#i think shane is absolutely the type of person to tell ilya he has a crush on him#like i'm talking they're on their literal honeymoon after getting married#curled in bed together enjoying the afterglow#and shane turns and looks at ilya and goes#ilya i have a crush on you#and ilya is filled with a cuteness aggression so strong he literally goes to bite shane's cheeks#which just makes shane more blushy and flustered#and he's like#ilya im serious you still give me butterflies im still stuck staring at you when we're in a room together#stop laughing!#because ilya only pauses nibbling and kissing at shane's cheeks to laugh and tease#and when he pulls away he looks at shane and goes#shane i have a crush on you too#and he's blushing and shane points it out#and ofc ilya is like 'never in my life have i blushed russians do not do this'#while his cheeks are pink and he's giggling at his hubsnd#and how lucky are they both to marry their most beloved crushes
@unholyhollander no you get it they literally never stop crushing on each other, they've been married for years and still give each other butterflies <3
disaster lineage AU by @rochenn where Dooku never left and trains Obi-wan instead
inspired by this post
[ID: a digital painting of Obi-wan kenobi and Dooku standing calmly in front of a sage green background about five years before the prequel trilogy. Dooku is standing on the left, looking down at toddler Anakin Skywalker who is fast asleep in Obi-wan's arms, wrapped in what seems to be his cloak. Dooku is wearing purplish robes, with a Jedi brooch, in a silky material and a pleated floor length skirt. Obi-wan is wearing cool beige pleated robes and wide leg pants. All around Dooku's head there are arrows and white text reading in almost random order: "Baby!!! Toddler? Babytoddler? Padawan has a baby? but padawan IS a baby! I'm grandpa? I'm Grandpa! How? When? he was only gone six months tho? He's only twenty! Did we have the talk? Confused af. Happy too... bc cute. but what?!!" On the other side of his head there's an arrow that reads: "sabacc face of a wild space smuggler". Obi-wan is talking. Over his head there is a speech bubble that reads: "*The most boring mission report of the last three millennia; vastly understated *" Below there is smaller text reading: "knows exactly what dooku is thinking; too queer for this shit / waiting for him to cave / shmi is waiting laughing at him from behind dooku" below that there is an arrow that leads to anakin which reads: "4yo anakin dead to the world after chip surgery" end ID]
"Without me, all existence would be a curse. I am the necessary end."
The miscommunication in Heated Rivalry is because they're living in different romance types to begin with:
Shane: In some sort of Austen-esque existence where hjs ill-advised flirtation with a notorious rake goes too far. Scandalised by the intimate use of first names he flees, concerned what society and his goodly parents will think, his reputation at stake. He tries to find a proper marriage prospect but alas his heart is lost to the rake! But he finally follows his heart and invites Ilya into his home too (and accepts first name usage!)
Ilya: Smoldering in mirrors and out of windows and getting emotionally wuthered screaming Shane's name on a moor. My man is byronically going through it gothic style
Okay so Shane and Ilya are getting freaky while on the road and one of their favorite games is reluctant husband Shane and horny pushy Ilya who wants his "marital rights" ("ew ilya don't say it like that") so they're getting into it and Shane is like "Noo Ilya i need to sleep, stop it leave me alone" and Ilya is saying shit like "its my hole, you belong to me, just stay still and let me put it in"
Unfortunately, the hotel the team is staying at has really thin walls and consent king Troy is in the room next door. Despite his many flaws, Troy is not going to stand by and let another teammate assault someone. (He's actually so upset and angry because he thought Ilya was a great guy who always seemed to treat everyone, but especially his husband well). So Shane and Ilya, and the whole team on that floor, are interrupted by pounding on the door and Troy bellowing "Rozanov get the fuck off of him and open this door so I can kick your ass."
Which is how Troy learns about consensual non-consent.
getting onto the troy and shane dynamics train and it's like. i think shane especially gets angry because he can't be angry. like oh wow, you dealt with your queerness by projecting as a bigot and saying homophobic and racist shit on the ice. you got angry at everyone and said whatever you felt like you needed to say and nobody ever questioned you for it. and then when you felt like it was enough you just... walked away.
and here's shane, who is never. never. allowed to be angry. has to be perfect, has to pull his weight and more, has to push the team forward even when they're saying the same shit behind his back; has to ignore the slurs on the ice and grit his teeth and push forward. and he can never leave it behind. for all his life, he's going to be the gay asian hockey player. there's no out for what's hurting him. he just has to stand there and take it when he's outed, when the sport itself tries to threaten him, when he's not allowed to have anything just for himself. and he's not allowed to be angry about it.
somehow it comes up that troy had a crush on shane and was going to ask for his number. and after troy gets ribbed by his teammates and ilya makes a big scene, shane is like, âwell i never wouldâve gone out with you lol.â
and troy smiles, âright, because you were with roz the whole time.â
âi mean, yes, but also because you and dallas kent spent years calling me and jj ârush hourâ and asking hayden if his wife was his beard to cover up his big gay relationship with me.â
the rest of the centaurs blink. harris puts his head in his hands and groans.
and troyâs like, âoh. right. sorry about that :/â
the ways shane has influenced pop culture in my head:
1. a canadian team bringing home the cup for the first time in like 20 years would have made sooo much noise, shane hollander basically put canada on the map.
2. obviously he is tumblr's boy of the year. along with superwholock.
3. in the wake of his insane b2b run there's something like linsanity happening within asian diaspora communities. shanesanity if you will. asians in hockey numbers rise up by 120% after the second stanley cup. despite this, just like in NBA, there's barely 4 asians that make it to the NHL after him.
4a. i hate to say this but. drake referenced him in his songs. something about. i learned it from shane holly y'all can never check me. back to back for those that didn't get it. and yes of course the cover is shane's stanley cup photo. you know the one.
4b. and yes when eventually in 2025 drake has his big cancellation at the superbowl, some beat reporter asks what shane thinks of drake v kendrick, and shane ofc thought he'd side with the canadian. he had to make a clarification on twitter. ďżź
4c. ilya tweeted like "shane don't have internet sorry about him đ"
5. shane's face is all over montreal like shohei ohtani is all over tokyo.
6. shane gets tapped for a tim horton's commercial once and basically ate their donuts like the mcdonald's CEO and was again cancelled on twitter.
7. post outing hockey shot up into stratospheric popularity a la f1. in fact people know hockey as that one sport with the gay asian and russian. shane hates this with a burning passion. it's the fault of that one tweet that was like "so in football terms this is kinda like if messi and ronaldo are fucking" and had 47M views.
i wont hatepost but sometimes it does feel like this to scroll fandom tags
tyson đ¤ nico
parental figure (poseidon and bianca) pushing them towards percy without saying anything bc they know he will care for them
one thing abt thalia and percy's dynamic that is often overlooked is that percy was punished for the same things thalia was rewarded for. there's a prophecy abt one of the big three kids? percy is treated like a liar and thief and ppl refuse to talk to him. thalia? everyone respects her (including gods!) and assumes she'll do a great job saving the world. thalia is accepted immediately at camp and threatens the place percy spent two years proving he deserves. percy wants to go on a quest to save his friend? he's an attention seeker and glory stealer. thalia? well, she's the obvious choice. thalia comes up w a plan to win capture the flag that's basically "leave everything to me" and percy comes up with a plan that's basically "if you see a good opportunity, go for it," but percy is viewed as the control freak.
what i'm saying is percy had every reason to resent thalia and he didn't. he chose not to. and thalia had every reason to look down on percy and didn't.
even when they were fighting, i never saw it as a power struggle. they were being pit against each other, and instead of doing what everyone expected them to (kronos was fully expecting thalia to kill percy), they chose to love and respect each other. because they're not their parents. they're just two kids who started cracking under the pressure but refused to break.
we do not have five entire books full of percy's philosophical thoughts for rick to pull this shit. if annabeth was in character, she would be looking at this architecture and consider what she'd do different (and since she's redesigning olympus, she'd maybe also consider if she'd use any designs there). her fatal flaw is hubris and it should be a staple characteristic of hers.
#prev tags tho#haha percy's a boy w adhd obviously he's stupid and simple and can't handle philosophical thoughts#just....yeah thats accurate to how rick treats percy at times in books after PJO#its like he forgets all he wrote percy thinking saying and doing in PJO#in favor of shit like this#alongside also acting like percy just doesnt care about school anymore and shit#when PJO percy tries his hardest constantly at school
#plus acting like percy just doesnt care for annabeths interest#when sure it isnt his thing in PJO but he still goes along with annabeth info dumping and such about it#because percy isnt the percy rick is writing to imply here
tags via thetimelordbatgirl
I donât have the book on me rn so I canât check but wasnât there smth else like in MOA I think?? Where Percy was talking abt his fear of suffocation/drowning and telling himself itâll be okay âI canât drown, Iâm the son of Poseidon. But if I let my fear control me, maybe it really could happenâŚ. Like Thalia and her fear of heights.â then smth like âwhoa, when he started thinking like that, he knew heâd been spending too much time with Annabeth.â Like what??? Is this the same person we were with for 5 books? I donât think so.
yup! the first paragraph is a very percy thought, so i'm not sure why we're acting like this is annabeth's influence.
When you're trying to have a nice time at camp half-blood but now there's TWO mean looking big three children walking around :/ and they both bite