Wir machen ein Kind!

... or We're making a baby! An attempt at empowerment and self-education in the face of an infertility diagnosis.

[kindmachen]

Day 654. Resolve

I know I've hit the pause button for a long while on this blog (although the counting continues) but today's experience required recording: It was a hectic, behind-the-eight-ball Monday morning, but I managed to get an appointment at the RE's (for GYN purposes only this time) to address the recurring infection I've had since stopping IVF. (Oh, the things they don't tell you...) Of course, they were an hour behind schedule, as usual, but I waited patiently. It was awkward seeing her again (the RE), and she wasn't as familiar with me (her face was tense), but she gave me the prescriptions I needed to clear this up, which in the end, is all that matters. "Just the facts, ma'am." Although she did not attribute it directly to getting off the hormone cocktails I'd been on for the previous six months, she did confirm that it's an imbalance. She prescribed some suppositories, a cream and said I should take acidophilus supplements. It was hard to be in that office again, but one thing came out of it, at least: I know I don't want to get on the IVF bandwagon again. I'm done with that path. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it for others, I just know it's no longer for me.) Motherhood will have to appear in a different form. Right now I need to continue (as I have for the last 2 months) focusing on other aspects of my life. For those continuing on your ART-ful journeys, I wish you all the best of good fortune! We all have to find our own ways through this struggle called infertility, and I honor you all. And on that note, I hit the pause button again. To be continued at a much later date ...

[kindmachen]

Day 582.

Cycle 22, Day 27 Beta-HCG test bright and early. It's cold and windy but the beginning of a beautifully sunny, fall day. They wait until 3:30 to call. A godsend, really, since that meant we could go to the Farmers' Market without the stabbing pains I would have felt otherwise seeing all of the happy, young families with babies everywhere. In the meantime, as I wait, I've convinced myself that the back soreness I've had the last 3 days may be an indication... But no. Again, I immediately hear the answer in her voice before she says more than my name. It's in the intonation. But before that I hear her happily chatting to her co-worker before she realizes that the phone has been answered. The faux 'I'm sorry' does me in. She must have to make this call so many times a day, week, month, how could I possibly expect that her 'I'm sorry' would sound genuine in any way? It's ridiculous, and part of the built-in heartlessness of Western Medicine. I know it's not intended, but it's the end result of conveyor-belting the practice. I get off the phone as quickly as I can because all I feel is numbness. The tears come later. Along with the sadness and anger. The grief has begun. Again.

[kindmachen]

Day 567. Strange is the path...

Cycle 22, Day 12 Morning monitoring: Doc says, "Great response! Follicles look great, lining is beautiful." Tomorrow morning is retrieval.

[kindmachen]

Day 565. Despite Sandy

One more day of meds (tonight/tomorrow morning) then trigger! R: 4 at 15; 2 at 17 L: 1 at 15; 1 at 17; 1 at 19 9 total! Estrodial: 1667 Monitoring tomorrow am. I am so thankful!!! Cycle 22, Day 10 Lupron 5u - 6:50 am Gonal F 450u - 6:50 am Lupron 5u - 8:15 pm Menopur 2 vials - 8:15 pm

[kindmachen]

Day 560.

Lead follicle is 15, then another 13, the rest are under 10. Go, follis, go! Estradiol: 285. Another round of acupuncture after work today, no acupressure. I go in for monitoring bright and early Sunday morning. So glad it's the weekend, and I can sleep in tomorrow!!! Cycle 22, Day 5 Lupron 5u - 7:50 am Gonal F 450u - 7:50 am Lupron 5u - 9: pm Menopur 2 vials - 9: pm

[kindmachen]

Day 557.

I took a much needed break from posting, and now I'm back in the IVF saddle. This time it's a micro-flare protocol. Cycle 22, Day 2 Morning sono/bloods: 5 R, 3 L = 8 follicles FSH 11 Estradiol 46 LH 14 And acupuncture/acupressure after work to take the tension away. Tonight: 5 u Lupron

[kindmachen]

Day 529.

My acupuncturist thinks that the fact that I am producing eggs with IVF stimulation is still a good thing. She thinks the problem; however, is that these eggs aren't getting enough nutrients. Normally the body is only supporting development of one egg per cycle. With the stimulation my body is being asked to support 3-4 times as many, so I need more nutrients, especially since I'm older. This makes sense to me, and I've certainly increased my consumption of protein and animal products, but to help me out, she's given me an herbal nutrient tonic. Cycle 20, Day 23 Bbt 98.0

[kindmachen]

Day 526. Too much too late?

This 2WW is doing my head in. I've continued to track my temp, and on Thursday it dropped to 97.8 after having gone up nicely after the IUI. I've been tracking for over a year and half now, and know that this is not a good sign. Yet, I have to continue with the program (the progesterone) until my blood test on the 29th, hoping beyond hope that somehow a miracle will occur... I'm really struggling emotionally, and the sight of people I don't know with their babies is like a stab in the heart and uterus... Cycle 20, Day 20 Bbt 98.32

[kindmachen]

Day 519.

The IUI went smoothly this morning, and occurred at 10:30 AM -- exactly 36 hours after my trigger shot. I've been tired and dozing all day. I think all of the stress (both fertility and work related) yesterday exhausted me. Cycle 20, Day 13 Bbt 98.04

[kindmachen]

Day 518.

Sono: 3 big, one smaller. 12 mm lining, three stripes. I have enough follicles to go to retrieval only to get the call this afternoon that my estradiol has dropped!!! Retrieval canceled and I'm going in for IUI instead. Argghhhh!!! While I'm grateful that there's a plan B, it's still upsetting to have gone through all of the shots only to have retrieval canceled! I'm just praying that I'll get lucky in the IUI department... Cycle 20, Day 12 Bbt 97.8

[kindmachen]

Day 517.

I have 4 "good sized" follicles, yay! 16, 18, 21, 21. Trigger shot tonight at 10:30 PM. Lining is at 12 mm. Cycle 20, Day 11 Bbt 97.66 Gonal F 450 u.-6:42 AM Ovidrel 10:30 PM

[kindmachen]

Day 516.

Tomorrow is a big day -- morning monitoring may determine whether this cycle is a go. I'm really hoping my lead 3 from Tuesday have continued to grow, and that I'll be able to see this cycle all the way through! I'm hoping my swollen tummy is a positive indicator... Cycle 20, Day 10 Bbt 97.53 Gonal F 450 u.- 7:40 AM Menopur 3 vials - 8:25 PM + Ganirelix

[kindmachen]

Day 513. (Yesterday's post)

Morning monitoring: a new doc, young, very nice and actually took the time to explain everything he was seeing and allow me to ask questions. A+! So, I have 3 sizable ones on the right, between 10.5 and 14 and one on the left in this size range. Those are the likely 4 (there were some more, but smaller, therefore unlikely to catch up) so let’s hope they keep growing! Estrodial is at 400. Lining looks good. Adding another vial of Menopur and Ganirelix tonight.

Cycle 20, Day 7 Bbt 97.29 Gonal F 450 u.- 7:15 AM Menopur 3 vials -7:50 PM + Ganirelix

[kindmachen]

Day 500.

A little shocked by 500 as a milestone. I certainly wasn’t expecting it to take this long, and it may just take that much longer! Of course, I’m hoping that it won’t, but at this point I won’t deny that I’m feeling like a veteran… On Wednesday it’s back to the RE and back to the schedule. I’ll ease into it with the patches and Ganirelix…

Cycle 19, Day 18 Bbt 98.13

[kindmachen]

Day 508.

Today my EPP IVF cycle starts in earnest: I had my BFC sono and blood work appointment. The stand-in for my doc wouldn't tell me more other than I have the "same number of follicles as last time". My blood work looks good: estradiol is 133 and FSH 4.52. I'm assuming it's artificially low because I've been using estrogen patches... I ended my day with acupuncture and am looking forward to being home with the kitties after the Labor Day weekend out of town. I'm not looking forward to my shots, though... Here's to Cycle 20 in the hopes that this will be the one! Cycle 20, Day 2, IVF #2 Bbt 97.56 Gonal F 450 u. Menopur 2 vials

[kindmachen]

Day 490.

Today we signed the consents for round two of IVF (estrogen priming protocol). The coordinator sounded optimistic given good numbers on my most recent blood work (FSH 6.8) and ultrasound (10 follicles) . She said my doc has had a lot of pregnancies recently. I hope I'll be one of them! Cycle 19, Day 8 Bbt 97.76

[kindmachen]

Day 483.

Great news from doc's office today -- good BFC and great FSH! Cycle 19, Day 1 Bbt 97.95 BFC: 6 Rt 4 Lft My FSH is 6.89 !!