Literacy is Great

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

ah shit i gotta write this thing now

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

lmao i was so caught in the euphoria of pissing off qin shi huang with gay fanfic that i forgot im the one who has to write gay fanfic

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

EHDGWCEHDGDHD IM GIVING YOU THE BRIBE MONEY @romanceyourdemons @thismetallicbird HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE FUNNIEST FUCKING PEOPLE ON THIS SITE

[qin-shi-huang-di]

ah ha! my loyal intern has weeded out the traitors who have been writing SUBVERSIVE LITERATURE about me! GUARDS! off with their HEADS!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

and my loyal intern is spreading the truth #preach

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

hey guys feeling demotivated so im making a note challenge!!

1 note: I quit being a sheriff

10 notes: I start a rebellion

100 notes: I take over the dynasty

1,000 notes: I start the first golden age of China

1,000,000,000 notes: idk I seduce qsh or something you guys let me know

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

great news guys I just started a rebellion 👍 thanks for all the support, wish me luck defeating xiang yu!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

new dynasty new me 😎

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

GUESS WHOSE GOLDEN AAAAAAGE

[qin-shi-huang-di]

STOP REBLOGGING THIS SEDITIOUS POST YOU TRAITOROUS TRAITORS!!!!! THIS IS AN ORDER!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

if this gets to 3k i'll bribe an itinerant scholar into writing anonymous slash fic

[qin-shi-huang-di]

NO THE FUCK YOU WILL NOT!!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

4K and liu bang tops

[qin-shi-huang-di]

DETLE YUOR FUCKING BO G

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

wooo ya boy's getting paid tonight!!!!

[qin-shi-huang-di]

what do you mean by this, social media intern? his royal highness has made it clear this is an unpaid position.

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;O_O i mean i have grown rich in patriotism and legal knowledge under bixia's most illustrious tutelage.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

ok, yay! guards, you can take the horses back to the stables.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

we are 60 notes away from paying qsh’s poor intern uh an anonymous scholar!

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;;;OuO hiii peasants, this is bixia’s daily cease and desist edict. please stop liking and reblogging this. those who fail to obey will face dire and painful consequences ect ect

[king-sejong-the-great]

As you wish.

[king-sejong-the-great]

I will cease reblogging immediately.

[king-sejong-the-great]

No more reblogs from me.

[king-sejong-the-great]

None at all.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

hey guys feeling demotivated so im making a note challenge!!

1 note: I quit being a sheriff

10 notes: I start a rebellion

100 notes: I take over the dynasty

1,000 notes: I start the first golden age of China

1,000,000,000 notes: idk I seduce qsh or something you guys let me know

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

great news guys I just started a rebellion 👍 thanks for all the support, wish me luck defeating xiang yu!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

new dynasty new me 😎

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

GUESS WHOSE GOLDEN AAAAAAGE

[qin-shi-huang-di]

STOP REBLOGGING THIS SEDITIOUS POST YOU TRAITOROUS TRAITORS!!!!! THIS IS AN ORDER!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

if this gets to 3k i'll bribe an itinerant scholar into writing anonymous slash fic

[qin-shi-huang-di]

NO THE FUCK YOU WILL NOT!!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

4K and liu bang tops

[qin-shi-huang-di]

DETLE YUOR FUCKING BO G

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

wooo ya boy's getting paid tonight!!!!

[qin-shi-huang-di]

what do you mean by this, social media intern? his royal highness has made it clear this is an unpaid position.

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;O_O i mean i have grown rich in patriotism and legal knowledge under bixia's most illustrious tutelage.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

ok, yay! guards, you can take the horses back to the stables.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

we are 60 notes away from paying qsh’s poor intern uh an anonymous scholar!

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;;;OuO hiii peasants, this is bixia’s daily cease and desist edict. please stop liking and reblogging this. those who fail to obey will face dire and painful consequences ect ect

[king-sejong-the-great]

As you wish.

[king-sejong-the-great]

I will cease reblogging immediately.

[king-sejong-the-great]

No more reblogs from me.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

hey guys feeling demotivated so im making a note challenge!!

1 note: I quit being a sheriff

10 notes: I start a rebellion

100 notes: I take over the dynasty

1,000 notes: I start the first golden age of China

1,000,000,000 notes: idk I seduce qsh or something you guys let me know

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

great news guys I just started a rebellion 👍 thanks for all the support, wish me luck defeating xiang yu!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

new dynasty new me 😎

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

GUESS WHOSE GOLDEN AAAAAAGE

[qin-shi-huang-di]

STOP REBLOGGING THIS SEDITIOUS POST YOU TRAITOROUS TRAITORS!!!!! THIS IS AN ORDER!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

if this gets to 3k i'll bribe an itinerant scholar into writing anonymous slash fic

[qin-shi-huang-di]

NO THE FUCK YOU WILL NOT!!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

4K and liu bang tops

[qin-shi-huang-di]

DETLE YUOR FUCKING BO G

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

wooo ya boy's getting paid tonight!!!!

[qin-shi-huang-di]

what do you mean by this, social media intern? his royal highness has made it clear this is an unpaid position.

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;O_O i mean i have grown rich in patriotism and legal knowledge under bixia's most illustrious tutelage.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

ok, yay! guards, you can take the horses back to the stables.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

we are 60 notes away from paying qsh’s poor intern uh an anonymous scholar!

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;;;OuO hiii peasants, this is bixia’s daily cease and desist edict. please stop liking and reblogging this. those who fail to obey will face dire and painful consequences ect ect

[king-sejong-the-great]

As you wish.

[king-sejong-the-great]

I will cease reblogging immediately.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

hey guys feeling demotivated so im making a note challenge!!

1 note: I quit being a sheriff

10 notes: I start a rebellion

100 notes: I take over the dynasty

1,000 notes: I start the first golden age of China

1,000,000,000 notes: idk I seduce qsh or something you guys let me know

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

great news guys I just started a rebellion 👍 thanks for all the support, wish me luck defeating xiang yu!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

new dynasty new me 😎

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

GUESS WHOSE GOLDEN AAAAAAGE

[qin-shi-huang-di]

STOP REBLOGGING THIS SEDITIOUS POST YOU TRAITOROUS TRAITORS!!!!! THIS IS AN ORDER!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

if this gets to 3k i'll bribe an itinerant scholar into writing anonymous slash fic

[qin-shi-huang-di]

NO THE FUCK YOU WILL NOT!!!!!!

[strike-the-zither]

4K and liu bang tops

[qin-shi-huang-di]

DETLE YUOR FUCKING BO G

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

wooo ya boy's getting paid tonight!!!!

[qin-shi-huang-di]

what do you mean by this, social media intern? his royal highness has made it clear this is an unpaid position.

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;O_O i mean i have grown rich in patriotism and legal knowledge under bixia's most illustrious tutelage.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

ok, yay! guards, you can take the horses back to the stables.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

we are 60 notes away from paying qsh’s poor intern uh an anonymous scholar!

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

;;;OuO hiii peasants, this is bixia’s daily cease and desist edict. please stop liking and reblogging this. those who fail to obey will face dire and painful consequences ect ect

[king-sejong-the-great]

As you wish.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

getting followed by porn bots is weird and that’s coming from a guy with multiple 🥵 concubines

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

this is really resonating with the subjects

[qin-shi-huang-di]

step aside you old cut-sleeve, i shall court these maidens!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

I’m an emperor actually @chasingtheskyline

[qin-shi-huang-di]

the marquis of homo WISHES he had a fraction of my imperial glory!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

right so i’m one of the most well regarded emperors in the history of china and you’re the guy who had to put “shut up about the mercury” in his bio

[qin-shi-huang-di]

I AM NOT OWNED! I AM NOT OWNED!!!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN EARN THE LOVE OF MY CITIZENS!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ADEQUATELY PREPARE MY SUCCESSOR!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ESTABLISH A STABLE DYNASTY!

[torn-a-sunder]

Man this must be so funny if you are in any way knowledgable about chinese history

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

chinese history 101:

i’m the cool emperor who was born a peasant and rebelled against qin shi huang’s government which would have me executed. this led to me being shooed into emperor position and starting an extremely successful 400ish year dynasty many things are still named after, and which is commonly referred to as China’s first golden age. also i was bisexual and awesome qin shi huang on the other hand is china’s first emperor and 4 years older than me, often viewed as tyrannical and paranoid. his court physicians thought mercury would make him immortal and his dynasty lasted all of 14 years. he was famous for being strict and killing a lot of people, banning literature, using mandatory unpaid (corvée) labour on government projects, and making a lot of bad decisions. also people tried to murder him a bunch and the ways they did it are on par with wile e coyote

[king-sejong-the-great]

The giant iron cone was pretty good.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

heyyy “bixia” I’ve got a quick question:

so are you definitely qin *shi* huang orrrrrrrrr

these are my clever and strategic DECOY BLOGS, which i use to thwart assassination attempts! just as i always travel with a DECOY CARRIAGE i have also set up DECOY BLOGS to protect my self from the TROLLS and TRAITORS.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

also, execution ect ect for asking annoying personal questions

[qin-shi-huang-di]

the peasants are planning to give me a big metal cone in honour of my greatness! yippee!

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

hiii bixia, i fear this might be another assassination attempt

[qin-shi-huang-di]

don't be ridiculous! there's absolutely no way a BIG METAL CONE can be used as a weapon unless they got a STRONG MAN to hurl it at me at great speeds!

[qin-shi-huang-di]

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

[qin-shi-huang-di]

Bixia, what is your favourite food?

i enjoy a RARE and MIND-BLOWING delicacy that most of you peasants have never heard of, much less TASTED. this rare gem grows exclusively in the furtherest southern regions of my empire, yet such is my wealth and power, my agents are able to procure hundreds of it for my royal table every year.

feast your eyes upon the succulent and zesty ORANGE

🍊

[qin-shi-huang-di]

why is no one clapping? this is impressive! you should all be awestruck!

[qin-shi-huang-di]

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

getting followed by porn bots is weird and that’s coming from a guy with multiple 🥵 concubines

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

this is really resonating with the subjects

[qin-shi-huang-di]

step aside you old cut-sleeve, i shall court these maidens!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

I’m an emperor actually @chasingtheskyline

[qin-shi-huang-di]

the marquis of homo WISHES he had a fraction of my imperial glory!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

right so i’m one of the most well regarded emperors in the history of china and you’re the guy who had to put “shut up about the mercury” in his bio

[qin-shi-huang-di]

I AM NOT OWNED! I AM NOT OWNED!!!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN EARN THE LOVE OF MY CITIZENS!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ADEQUATELY PREPARE MY SUCCESSOR!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ESTABLISH A STABLE DYNASTY!

[diet-poison]

the Terracotta Army guy?

[qin-shi-huang-di]

🙄 you build ONE funerary complex with 8000 life-sized statues of soldiers, horses and generals and suddenly you’re “the terracotta army guy.” 🙄 execution.

[slimlimit]

Stumbling across this makes me feel like a dad whos walked into their kids room beer in hand and seeing them roleplay starwars fights i do not belong here but god its entertaining

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

to be clear in this scenario im the jedi and im winning

[king-sejong-the-great]

I'm the one kid who insists on being Spock!

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

hey guys feeling demotivated so im making a note challenge!!

1 note: I quit being a sheriff

10 notes: I start a rebellion

100 notes: I take over the dynasty

1,000 notes: I start the first golden age of China

1,000,000,000 notes: idk I seduce qsh or something you guys let me know

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

great news guys I just started a rebellion 👍 thanks for all the support, wish me luck defeating xiang yu!

[conquerer-of-western-chu]

Hey, popping in to remind you that you're literally my pathetic brother who trembles at the sight of me and all your generals flee with their tails between their legs at the thought of me.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

Xiongdi, did you miss the update where I started the first golden age of China?

[qin-shi-huang-di]

bixia why are there so many fish carts behind your royal procession is your majesty not bothered by the smell?

HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS IS VERY MUCH ALIVE AND HEALTHY INSIDE HIS ROYAL CARRIAGE. THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM!!!! ANY TRAITOR WHO IS CAUGHT SPREADING THIS UNFOUNDED RUMOUR WILL BE SWIFTLY EXECUTED! THE CARTS OF ROTTING FISH SURROUNDING MY CARRIAGE ARE A VERY NORMAL PART OF THE ROYAL PROCESSION! IT'S A SPECIAL EMPEROR ACTIVITY YOU PEASANTS ARE TOO POOR TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!! NO, I WILL NOT BE COMING OUTSIDE. IM FAR TOO BUSY. ADDRESS ALL QUESTIONS TO MY WONDERFUL, TALENTED AND HANDSOME SERVANTS ZHAO GAO AND LI SI, WHOM I HAVE ENTRUSTED TO ACT IN MY NAME. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY LISTEN TO THEM AND DO EXACTLY AS THEY SAY.

[gardensandghosts]

EMPEROR BIXIA HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF FISH EATING MONSTER, MORE AT ELEVEN

[qin-shi-huang-di]

GUARDS EXECUTE THIS TRAITOR

[qin-shi-huang-di]

ALSO I WANT TO MAKE MY YOUNGEST SON HUHAI MY HEIR APPARENT. GO TELL MY ELDEST SON AND HIS LOYAL GENERAL TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THEY ARE A DANGEROUS LIABILITY AND CANNOT BE LEFT ALIVE.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

FOR THE LAST TIME MY DAD IS NOT DEAD

[qin-shi-huang-di]

I MEAN I AM NOT DEAD. I, THE FIRST EMPEROR, IS HEALTHY AND ALIVE!

[conquerer-of-western-chu]

@emperor-gaozu-of-han How are your forces doing? Can I please borrow some food, for no apparent reason.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

Yeah totally, I’m king of Guangzhong now and the people think I’m awesome 😎

troops are about 1/4 of yours, why?

[king-sejong-the-great]

Callout post for Emperor Gaozu of Han

@emperor-gaozu-of-han.

Some time back, in a conversation that began with the esteemed @qin-shi-huang-di misspelling the word "seize," you recommended that I urinate in the hats of those who annoy me.

I, being a man of decorum, of course considered this an amusing jape.

Today, in my royal history lessons, I learned that this was a thing that you actually did: literally snatched the hat off of a scholar and urinated in it while he watched. Some accounts claim you did this multiple times to many different men.

So, that having been said, I have a question for you. . .

HOW COME WHEN YOU PISS IN A MAN'S HAT, EVERYONE LAUGHS IT OFF AND YOU'RE STILL REMEMBERED AS A BELOVED HERO OF THE PEOPLE WHO FOUNDED A 400 YEAR DYNASTY, BUT MY FATHER FALLS OFF ONE BLOODY HORSE. . . !?

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

It was funny as hell

I overthrew a really bad dynasty as a peasant

My dynasty was the first golden age of China

I showed the capacity to learn, grow, and change, eventually adopting Confucianism

lmaoooo imagine falling off a horse??

Anyway we were both widely respected for our times and I wouldn’t worry about it too much

[king-sejong-the-great]

Are you arguing that I should be so unfilial as to allow anyone to mock my esteemed father, King Taejong?

That's what's wrong with the country these days. BRB, going to write a manual of Confucianist ethics for the common people of the country.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

THE PRETENDERS ARE FIGHTING!

[king-sejong-the-great]

GO BUILD ANOTHER OVERLY LAVISH MAUSOLEUM FILLED WITH AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF WEALTH AND AN UNCONSCIONABLE NUMBER OF TERRA-COTTA SOLDIERS, WASTING PRECIOUS TIME, ENERGY, AND WEALTH THAT COULD BE USED TO ENRICH THE PEOPLE INTO A GRANDIOSE MONUMENT TO YOUR OWN HUBRIS.

[king-sejong-the-great]

Callout post for Emperor Gaozu of Han

@emperor-gaozu-of-han.

Some time back, in a conversation that began with the esteemed @qin-shi-huang-di misspelling the word "seize," you recommended that I urinate in the hats of those who annoy me.

I, being a man of decorum, of course considered this an amusing jape.

Today, in my royal history lessons, I learned that this was a thing that you actually did: literally snatched the hat off of a scholar and urinated in it while he watched. Some accounts claim you did this multiple times to many different men.

So, that having been said, I have a question for you. . .

HOW COME WHEN YOU PISS IN A MAN'S HAT, EVERYONE LAUGHS IT OFF AND YOU'RE STILL REMEMBERED AS A BELOVED HERO OF THE PEOPLE WHO FOUNDED A 400 YEAR DYNASTY, BUT MY FATHER FALLS OFF ONE BLOODY HORSE. . . !?

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

It was funny as hell

I overthrew a really bad dynasty as a peasant

My dynasty was the first golden age of China

I showed the capacity to learn, grow, and change, eventually adopting Confucianism

lmaoooo imagine falling off a horse??

Anyway we were both widely respected for our times and I wouldn’t worry about it too much

[king-sejong-the-great]

Are you arguing that I should be so unfilial as to allow anyone to mock my esteemed father, King Taejong?

That's what's wrong with the country these days. BRB, going to write a manual of Confucianist ethics for the common people of the country.

[king-sejong-the-great]

Callout post for Emperor Gaozu of Han

@emperor-gaozu-of-han.

Some time back, in a conversation that began with the esteemed @qin-shi-huang-di misspelling the word "seize," you recommended that I urinate in the hats of those who annoy me.

I, being a man of decorum, of course considered this an amusing jape.

Today, in my royal history lessons, I learned that this was a thing that you actually did: literally snatched the hat off of a scholar and urinated in it while he watched. Some accounts claim you did this multiple times to many different men.

So, that having been said, I have a question for you. . .

HOW COME WHEN YOU PISS IN A MAN'S HAT, EVERYONE LAUGHS IT OFF AND YOU'RE STILL REMEMBERED AS A BELOVED HERO OF THE PEOPLE WHO FOUNDED A 400 YEAR DYNASTY, BUT MY FATHER FALLS OFF ONE BLOODY HORSE. . . !?

[qin-shi-huang-di]

bixia....🙇‍♂️before this humble peasant is sent to the great wall......this peon wishes to know how many people have been injured working on it...

hmmm, that's an excellent question! why don't you ask around, while you're performing unpaid, back-breaking labour that takes away from the time you can spend on subsistence farming, and then compile a memorandum for me? the due date is one month from now. do not be late.

also, this "great wall" thing is very catchy! his highness will start using it from now on.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

do you guys like corvee labour or something what do I even do at this point

[qin-shi-huang-di]

peasants, do you LOVE building my grand monuments?

yes bixia!

yes bixia!

Voting ended onJul 17

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

207 votes and none of you have challenged this????

[academyofbrokenhearts]

[qin-shi-huang-di]

HAHAHAHA SUCK IT LOSER

[academyofbrokenhearts]

Big words coming from someone whose dynasty lasted for 14 years, lmao.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

YEAH WELL HOW MANY YEARS WAS YOUR DYNASTY, PEASANT?

CHECKMATE, TRAITOR!!!!!

#peasantsdni #commonersdni #peonsdni #myempire #qindynastyno1

[academyofbrokenhearts]

Maybe we should ask @emperor-gaozu-of-han how long HIS dynasty lasted. ^_^

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

gotta be honest I stopped counting after the 400 year mark. it all blurs together after a while, yk?

[king-sejong-the-great]

I'm not good at math, help me out. If a dynasty starts in 1392 and ends in 1897, how many years did it last?

[qin-shi-huang-di]

bixia, i laugh almost every time i see your posts. thank you

OH SO YOU THINK MY ROYAL DECREES ARE RISIBLE? YOU FIND MY ROYAL POSTS LAUGHABLE?

very well, normally we would have your kneecaps amputated, but since you are such a comedian, we can make it the elbows instead.

see, his royal highness can be humerus 🦴 too.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

did you learn anatomy from the same guy who told you mercury is a preservative?

[qin-shi-huang-di]

HOW DARE YOU BE FUNNIER THAN ME ON MY OWN POST

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

oh no guess I better get out of the blast...radius 😎

[qin-shi-huang-di]

SHUT THE UP

[king-sejong-the-great]

We're just ribbing you. No need to get out of joint about it. One might think you had a bone to pick. Scapula.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

this month you are the lucky emperor to get my period pains projected onto you. this is an act of loyalty and appreciation i promise. i don't want you to suffer. thank you for your qervice to the people.

I DO NOT GET PERIODS

[call-me-bixia]

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

[conquerer-of-western-chu]

I send my condolences to your unborn child.

I will send my army to your unborn child.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

I AMN OT PEGRANT!!!!!!!

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

omg congratulations on the happy news bixia! 🥢🥜🌹🌰!!!

(this is emoji for “birth a son soon”, the words “chopstick, peanut, rose, seed” are homophones for 快生贵子. I couldnt find a lychee so i used a rose instead).

[qin-shi-huang-di]

NOT PREGAME

[king-sejong-the-great]

Technically, an Emperor is a type of government employee, which means that in Joseon (after my reforms), @qin-shi-huang-di would be eligible for 100 days of maternity leave.