Literacy is Great

getting followed by porn bots is weird and that’s coming from a guy with multiple 🥵 concubines

this is really resonating with the subjects

step aside you old cut-sleeve, i shall court these maidens!

I’m an emperor actually @chasingtheskyline

the marquis of homo WISHES he had a fraction of my imperial glory!

right so i’m one of the most well regarded emperors in the history of china and you’re the guy who had to put “shut up about the mercury” in his bio

I AM NOT OWNED! I AM NOT OWNED!!!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN EARN THE LOVE OF MY CITIZENS!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ADEQUATELY PREPARE MY SUCCESSOR!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ESTABLISH A STABLE DYNASTY!

torn-a-sunder

Man this must be so funny if you are in any way knowledgable about chinese history

chinese history 101:

i’m the cool emperor who was born a peasant and rebelled against qin shi huang’s government which would have me executed. this led to me being shooed into emperor position and starting an extremely successful 400ish year dynasty many things are still named after, and which is commonly referred to as China’s first golden age. also i was bisexual and awesome qin shi huang on the other hand is china’s first emperor and 4 years older than me, often viewed as tyrannical and paranoid. his court physicians thought mercury would make him immortal and his dynasty lasted all of 14 years. he was famous for being strict and killing a lot of people, banning literature, using mandatory unpaid (corvée) labour on government projects, and making a lot of bad decisions. also people tried to murder him a bunch and the ways they did it are on par with wile e coyote

The giant iron cone was pretty good.

heyyy “bixia” I’ve got a quick question:

so are you definitely qin *shi* huang orrrrrrrrr

these are my clever and strategic DECOY BLOGS, which i use to thwart assassination attempts! just as i always travel with a DECOY CARRIAGE i have also set up DECOY BLOGS to protect my self from the TROLLS and TRAITORS.

also, execution ect ect for asking annoying personal questions

the peasants are planning to give me a big metal cone in honour of my greatness! yippee!

hiii bixia, i fear this might be another assassination attempt

don't be ridiculous! there's absolutely no way a BIG METAL CONE can be used as a weapon unless they got a STRONG MAN to hurl it at me at great speeds!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

Bixia, what is your favourite food?

i enjoy a RARE and MIND-BLOWING delicacy that most of you peasants have never heard of, much less TASTED. this rare gem grows exclusively in the furtherest southern regions of my empire, yet such is my wealth and power, my agents are able to procure hundreds of it for my royal table every year.

feast your eyes upon the succulent and zesty ORANGE

🍊

why is no one clapping? this is impressive! you should all be awestruck!

getting followed by porn bots is weird and that’s coming from a guy with multiple 🥵 concubines

this is really resonating with the subjects

step aside you old cut-sleeve, i shall court these maidens!

I’m an emperor actually @chasingtheskyline

the marquis of homo WISHES he had a fraction of my imperial glory!

right so i’m one of the most well regarded emperors in the history of china and you’re the guy who had to put “shut up about the mercury” in his bio

I AM NOT OWNED! I AM NOT OWNED!!!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN EARN THE LOVE OF MY CITIZENS!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ADEQUATELY PREPARE MY SUCCESSOR!

I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR, I CAN ESTABLISH A STABLE DYNASTY!

diet-poison

the Terracotta Army guy?

🙄 you build ONE funerary complex with 8000 life-sized statues of soldiers, horses and generals and suddenly you’re “the terracotta army guy.” 🙄 execution.

slimlimit

Stumbling across this makes me feel like a dad whos walked into their kids room beer in hand and seeing them roleplay starwars fights i do not belong here but god its entertaining

to be clear in this scenario im the jedi and im winning

I'm the one kid who insists on being Spock!

hey guys feeling demotivated so im making a note challenge!!

1 note: I quit being a sheriff

10 notes: I start a rebellion

100 notes: I take over the dynasty

1,000 notes: I start the first golden age of China

1,000,000,000 notes: idk I seduce qsh or something you guys let me know

great news guys I just started a rebellion 👍 thanks for all the support, wish me luck defeating xiang yu!

conquerer-of-western-chu

Hey, popping in to remind you that you're literally my pathetic brother who trembles at the sight of me and all your generals flee with their tails between their legs at the thought of me.

Xiongdi, did you miss the update where I started the first golden age of China?

bixia why are there so many fish carts behind your royal procession is your majesty not bothered by the smell?

HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS IS VERY MUCH ALIVE AND HEALTHY INSIDE HIS ROYAL CARRIAGE. THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM!!!! ANY TRAITOR WHO IS CAUGHT SPREADING THIS UNFOUNDED RUMOUR WILL BE SWIFTLY EXECUTED! THE CARTS OF ROTTING FISH SURROUNDING MY CARRIAGE ARE A VERY NORMAL PART OF THE ROYAL PROCESSION! IT'S A SPECIAL EMPEROR ACTIVITY YOU PEASANTS ARE TOO POOR TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!! NO, I WILL NOT BE COMING OUTSIDE. IM FAR TOO BUSY. ADDRESS ALL QUESTIONS TO MY WONDERFUL, TALENTED AND HANDSOME SERVANTS ZHAO GAO AND LI SI, WHOM I HAVE ENTRUSTED TO ACT IN MY NAME. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY LISTEN TO THEM AND DO EXACTLY AS THEY SAY.

gardensandghosts

EMPEROR BIXIA HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF FISH EATING MONSTER, MORE AT ELEVEN

GUARDS EXECUTE THIS TRAITOR

ALSO I WANT TO MAKE MY YOUNGEST SON HUHAI MY HEIR APPARENT. GO TELL MY ELDEST SON AND HIS LOYAL GENERAL TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THEY ARE A DANGEROUS LIABILITY AND CANNOT BE LEFT ALIVE.

FOR THE LAST TIME MY DAD IS NOT DEAD

I MEAN I AM NOT DEAD. I, THE FIRST EMPEROR, IS HEALTHY AND ALIVE!

conquerer-of-western-chu

@emperor-gaozu-of-han How are your forces doing? Can I please borrow some food, for no apparent reason.

Yeah totally, I’m king of Guangzhong now and the people think I’m awesome 😎

troops are about 1/4 of yours, why?

Callout post for Emperor Gaozu of Han

@emperor-gaozu-of-han.

Some time back, in a conversation that began with the esteemed @qin-shi-huang-di misspelling the word "seize," you recommended that I urinate in the hats of those who annoy me.

I, being a man of decorum, of course considered this an amusing jape.

Today, in my royal history lessons, I learned that this was a thing that you actually did: literally snatched the hat off of a scholar and urinated in it while he watched. Some accounts claim you did this multiple times to many different men.

So, that having been said, I have a question for you. . .

HOW COME WHEN YOU PISS IN A MAN'S HAT, EVERYONE LAUGHS IT OFF AND YOU'RE STILL REMEMBERED AS A BELOVED HERO OF THE PEOPLE WHO FOUNDED A 400 YEAR DYNASTY, BUT MY FATHER FALLS OFF ONE BLOODY HORSE. . . !?

It was funny as hell

I overthrew a really bad dynasty as a peasant

My dynasty was the first golden age of China

I showed the capacity to learn, grow, and change, eventually adopting Confucianism

lmaoooo imagine falling off a horse??

Anyway we were both widely respected for our times and I wouldn’t worry about it too much

Are you arguing that I should be so unfilial as to allow anyone to mock my esteemed father, King Taejong?

That's what's wrong with the country these days. BRB, going to write a manual of Confucianist ethics for the common people of the country.

THE PRETENDERS ARE FIGHTING!

GO BUILD ANOTHER OVERLY LAVISH MAUSOLEUM FILLED WITH AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF WEALTH AND AN UNCONSCIONABLE NUMBER OF TERRA-COTTA SOLDIERS, WASTING PRECIOUS TIME, ENERGY, AND WEALTH THAT COULD BE USED TO ENRICH THE PEOPLE INTO A GRANDIOSE MONUMENT TO YOUR OWN HUBRIS.

Callout post for Emperor Gaozu of Han

@emperor-gaozu-of-han.

Some time back, in a conversation that began with the esteemed @qin-shi-huang-di misspelling the word "seize," you recommended that I urinate in the hats of those who annoy me.

I, being a man of decorum, of course considered this an amusing jape.

So, that having been said, I have a question for you. . .

It was funny as hell

I overthrew a really bad dynasty as a peasant

My dynasty was the first golden age of China

I showed the capacity to learn, grow, and change, eventually adopting Confucianism

lmaoooo imagine falling off a horse??

Anyway we were both widely respected for our times and I wouldn’t worry about it too much

#Mun here: to be completely fair #compared to King Sejong the Great #King Taejong is best described as “King Taejong the Pretty Good.”#Not nearly at “Gave birth to the modern system of Korean Writing” level.#More at the “Consolidated the government and organized a lot of stuff" level #Which isn't bad #considering the track records of some other East Asian rulers.

Are you arguing that I should be so unfilial as to allow anyone to mock my esteemed father, King Taejong?

That's what's wrong with the country these days. BRB, going to write a manual of Confucianist ethics for the common people of the country.

Callout post for Emperor Gaozu of Han

@emperor-gaozu-of-han.

Some time back, in a conversation that began with the esteemed @qin-shi-huang-di misspelling the word "seize," you recommended that I urinate in the hats of those who annoy me.

I, being a man of decorum, of course considered this an amusing jape.

So, that having been said, I have a question for you. . .

#king taejong #Mun here: I actually didn't realize at the time that this was something Emperor Gaozu of Han once allegedly did.#And uh. My Google Search History now includes “Emperor Gaozu Hat Pissing” in it.#Lord knows what my assigned NSA agent thinks of all this.

bixia....🙇‍♂️before this humble peasant is sent to the great wall......this peon wishes to know how many people have been injured working on it...

hmmm, that's an excellent question! why don't you ask around, while you're performing unpaid, back-breaking labour that takes away from the time you can spend on subsistence farming, and then compile a memorandum for me? the due date is one month from now. do not be late.

also, this "great wall" thing is very catchy! his highness will start using it from now on.

do you guys like corvee labour or something what do I even do at this point

peasants, do you LOVE building my grand monuments?

yes bixia!

Voting ended onJul 17

207 votes and none of you have challenged this????

academyofbrokenhearts

HAHAHAHA SUCK IT LOSER

academyofbrokenhearts

Big words coming from someone whose dynasty lasted for 14 years, lmao.

YEAH WELL HOW MANY YEARS WAS YOUR DYNASTY, PEASANT?

CHECKMATE, TRAITOR!!!!!

#peasantsdni #commonersdni #peonsdni #myempire #qindynastyno1

academyofbrokenhearts

Maybe we should ask @emperor-gaozu-of-han how long HIS dynasty lasted. ^_^

gotta be honest I stopped counting after the 400 year mark. it all blurs together after a while, yk?

I'm not good at math, help me out. If a dynasty starts in 1392 and ends in 1897, how many years did it last?

bixia, i laugh almost every time i see your posts. thank you

OH SO YOU THINK MY ROYAL DECREES ARE RISIBLE? YOU FIND MY ROYAL POSTS LAUGHABLE?

very well, normally we would have your kneecaps amputated, but since you are such a comedian, we can make it the elbows instead.

see, his royal highness can be humerus 🦴 too.

did you learn anatomy from the same guy who told you mercury is a preservative?

HOW DARE YOU BE FUNNIER THAN ME ON MY OWN POST

oh no guess I better get out of the blast...radius 😎

SHUT THE UP

We're just ribbing you. No need to get out of joint about it. One might think you had a bone to pick. Scapula.

this month you are the lucky emperor to get my period pains projected onto you. this is an act of loyalty and appreciation i promise. i don't want you to suffer. thank you for your qervice to the people.

I DO NOT GET PERIODS

call-me-bixia

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

conquerer-of-western-chu

I send my condolences to your unborn child.

I will send my army to your unborn child.

I AMN OT PEGRANT!!!!!!!

omg congratulations on the happy news bixia! 🥢🥜🌹🌰!!!

(this is emoji for “birth a son soon”, the words “chopstick, peanut, rose, seed” are homophones for 快生贵子. I couldnt find a lychee so i used a rose instead).

NOT PREGAME

Technically, an Emperor is a type of government employee, which means that in Joseon (after my reforms), @qin-shi-huang-di would be eligible for 100 days of maternity leave.

Bixia, may I ask what exactly is the significance of Mount Li and the nine springs? I fear I must have missed learning about it because it wasn't immediately relevant to being in your glorious military.

hi peon, if you type in those key words, and click on the first search results in the google, information will appear. hope that helps!

guards, execute this rube for wasting my time!

mangled-by-disuse

bixia, i never learned to read in case I accidentally consumed philosophy, can you summarise?

…i really cant fault that. this is an excellent philosophy to have.

OR you could promote universal literacy, publish a book on civic virtue, and spend the time you save explaining this sort of thing to peasants on building a sweet iron-clad warship. . .

Wikipedia has an article named "Mausoleum of Qin Shi Huang", implying Your Majesty ever died? I say we execute them.

GUARDS EXECUTE THE WIKIPEDIA!!!!! THE CONFUCIANISTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS I JUST KNOW IT

bro spent his life investing a ridiculous amount into his mausoleum and gets insulted when it’s remembered in the modern day?

THIS IS WHY JOSEON HAS COURT HISTORIANS.

Bixia, what about this humble subject who has transformed from a boy into a girl?

DRAFT DODGING???

NOT ON MY WATCH, TRAITOR!

oh, and i suppose we'll just MARRY our way to victory???

why hello there 😏😎

DELETE YOUR BLOG TRAITOR NO ONE IS TALKING TO YOU

MARRIAGE ALLIANCES ARE FOR COWARDS 10/10 LEGALISTS AGREE #xiongudni #moduchanyudni

guy who’s salty he didn’t establish a wildly successful dynasty through this method of diplomacy say what

EVEN YOUR HORRID SHEW WIFE HAD ENOUGH COURAGE IN HER FRAIL, WOMAN'S BODY NOT TO CAPITULATE TO A DISHONOURABLE MARRIAGE WITH MODU CHANGYU! #moduchangyudni #xiongnudni BUT THE MIGHTY HAN GAOZU GOES CRYING TO THE CHANGYU'S WIFE AT THE FIRST SIGN OF ENCIRCLEMENT, AND BEGS FOR #heqin LIKE THE COWARD HE IS! I'D CALL YOU A WEAK, PATHETIC GIRL, BUT THAT WOULD GENUINELY BE SELLING YOU SHORT!

for all you’re trying to insult me by saying I’m worse than my wife, her regency lasted longer than your entire dynasty.

so let’s all have a think about that….hmm….

swordsman-jing-ke

LOL! not a difficult feat, seeing as Emperor One-Hit Wonder's dynasty only lasted for 14 years.

I AM NOT OWNED!!! I AM NOT OWNED!!!!!!!!! I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR. I CAN ESTABLISH A STABLE DYNASTY!!! I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR. I CAN SELECT AN ABLE HEIR!!!!!! I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR. MY CITIZENS LOVE MY REGIME!!!!!!!!!

puddox

saw someone including "Mandate of Heaven" as one of those christian terms tumblr likes to use to sound profound. which i get where you're coming from but t☝️hat one is chinese

yuriinullification

holdon

what the fuck is going on in this site's backend

mrsandman42069

hey I became a boy at the age of 15 am I eligible for military service for your great and noble empire?

hi peon, "eligible" implies you have a choice in the matter!

please report for training at your city's garrison. you may have a deferment if you already have a brother serving in the army. we don't want you to fall short on millet production, after all! #mymillet

hang on, what do you mean you "became" a boy at age 15? is this a peasant joke i'm too rich to understand?

bixia, this means your humble subject has transformed from a girl into a boy

THROUGH DAOIST MAGIC??????

sure lets go with that

THIS IS ABHORRENT AND UNNATURAL! FUXI AND NÜWA MADE MAN AND WOMAN TO BE IMMUTABLE OPPOSITES JUST AS THE FORCES OF YING AND YANG ARE

hang on, if we have MORE men we will have more soldiers for the qin army.

post cancelled. this is an EXCELLENT idea. all those who have become BOYS (and are over 15), please report to your local garrison and be prepared to lay down your life for the glory of my empire!

I SAID WHAT I SAID!!!!!!!!!!!

🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🧍🔄↔️🔁↕️🔃