Lü Zhi, Empress Lü

First Empress of China. The brains behind @emperor-gaozu-of-han. See this url? Don't make me tap the sign.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

is your wife accepting applications to be her concubine?

dunno, @call-me-bixia ?

[call-me-bixia]

Hmmm. Maybe, if you’re very impressive.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

hey I became a boy at the age of 15 am I eligible for military service for your great and noble empire?

hi peon, "eligible" implies you have a choice in the matter!

please report for training at your city's garrison. you may have a deferment if you already have a brother serving in the army. we don't want you to fall short on millet production, after all! #mymillet

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

bixia, this means your humble subject has transformed from a girl into a boy.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

THROUGH DAOIST MAGIC??????

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

sure lets go with that

[call-me-bixia]

Would the Daoist magic allow me to “legitimately” claim the title of emperor?

[call-me-bixia]

敢问陛下 戏剧美人心计有多少历史高正乎

Haven’t seen it, but from the YouTube thumbnails, I assume it’s not very accurate.

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

[call-me-bixia]

[image id: a picture taken using flash photography in a dark room. The photo is of a white ceiling with a small square cut out, just large enough for an orange cat’s head to poke through. The cat’s pupils are huge and round. White text on top reads "Carry on, citizen" and the bottom text reads "Empress Wu does not have a secret police. Your suspicion is noted." /end id]

A celebrated and time-honoured tradition. Though I was told a cat would kill you…

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

@call-me-bixia BAOBEI LOOK I WON SOMETHING

[call-me-bixia]

Good for you, Gaozu.

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Road to Empress vs Iron widow/Heavenly tyrant (but not really vs since both are awesome), any thoughts? (Does Wu Zetian get addressed as bixia..)

Hmm... Iron Widow and Heavenly Tyrant are both quite appealing. And of course I would be addressed as bixia! I am emperor, after all, no matter what louts like that Gaozong or whatever that Han maniac's name is says.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Then you may stay.

[call-me-bixia]

No, he absolutely may not.

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Scared, kitten?

[call-me-bixia]

Freudian slip much?

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Road to Empress vs Iron widow/Heavenly tyrant (but not really vs since both are awesome), any thoughts? (Does Wu Zetian get addressed as bixia..)

Hmm... Iron Widow and Heavenly Tyrant are both quite appealing. And of course I would be addressed as bixia! I am emperor, after all, no matter what louts like that Gaozong or whatever that Han maniac's name is says.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Then you may stay.

[call-me-bixia]

No, he absolutely may not.

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

[call-me-bixia]

To be clear, this is doing nothing for your so-called "girlbossing."

[call-me-bixia]

@wu-zetian-of-zhou Nice to see the world’s second girlboss has arrived.

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Empress without her own dynasty says what?

[call-me-bixia]

I set the precedent for everything you became famous for.

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Oh I see! You were the prototype while I am the finished product. Flawless.

[call-me-bixia]

And your little "dynasty" lasted how long?

That’s what you get from a knockoff, sadly.

[call-me-bixia]

@wu-zetian-of-zhou Nice to see the world’s second girlboss has arrived.

[wu-zetian-of-zhou]

Empress without her own dynasty says what?

[call-me-bixia]

I set the precedent for everything you became famous for.

[call-me-bixia]

@wu-zetian-of-zhou Nice to see the world’s second girlboss has arrived.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

bixia has fallen in love with emperor gaozu of han everybody

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

😮

‼️

🤭

😏

[king-sejong-the-great]

I think my court lecturer has gotten their historical lecture notes confused with their... Personal writings.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

FAKE NEWS!!!!!

[king-sejong-the-great]

I have consulted the court historians, and it has been pointed out that The Illustrious Qin Emperor was in the habit of violently denying historical fact.

I must therefore conclude that the possibility that Bixia was secretly in love with the first Han Emperor exists. We will now proceed to devote some time into historical research on this subject.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

DELETE YOUR BLOG

[king-sejong-the-great]

In the end, my research was inconclusive, and it was pointed out to me by my advisors that obsessing over love affairs of the past does not adhere to the principles of virtuous rulership.

I think I'll go give all my palace ladies and their husbands paid maternity leave.

[call-me-bixia]

…Hm.

[trans-girl-nausicaa]

i just apolitically killed the king like i have no agenda or whatever im just the jester here but i stabbed him anyway LOL all the courtiers and advisors are trying really hard to figure out who did it LOL all of them wanted him dead but they dont know whose scheme it was so nobody can promulgate a coherent political maneuver based on the circumstances LOL just playing my lute #MyLute

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

@strike-the-zither in another, kinder world

[strike-the-zither]

I can dream UnU

[qin-shi-huang-di]

wow,,,,, thats actually SO hurtful i cant beleieve you woudl do somethign like that,,,; adter all ive done for you? giving you a position in my royal court? all the wealth and prestige ive showered you with????

are there NO virtuous ans loyal men left in the world???

[call-me-bixia]

If there are, you’re certainly not among them.

[call-me-bixia]

Tyrant this, murderer that, honestly. It’s 2026 and girls just wanna have fun.

[call-me-bixia]

married a peasant, died regent of han china. AMA

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

🏹 modu-changyu follow

I'm a lonesome ruler 👑 😔 born in marshes and raised in plains 🖼️populated by livestock 🐮🐑🐴. I've visited your border numerous times 💯 🕖 and wanted to tour China 😎🏇🏇🏇. Your Majesty 👑👩 is now alone 👴❌🪦and living in solitude. Since both of us are not happy 😥 and have nothing 0️⃣ ❌ to entertain ourselves 🥱, I'm willing to use what I possess to exchange for what you lack🍆😏

#changyuposting #whistlingarrows #sendnudes

12 notes

[call-me-bixia]

Advisors.

How to respond?

Declare war.

Don’t declare war (and tell me why, coward)

Voting ended onMay 12

[thismetallicbird]

🙇‍♂️ attendant-ji-bu follow

bixia, the xiongnu army is kinda big….

[call-me-bixia]

….

Fine. Send the princesses.

[call-me-bixia]

You can’t go around proclaiming "well-behaved women seldom make history" and then turning around to ask "ohhh Lü Zhi bixia why did you murder so many people?"

Come on.

[emperor-gaozu-of-han]

some of the best proof i’m a better emperor than qsh is that i have a rags to riches story and i didn’t even write a smarmy, self-congratulating memoir about it

[call-me-bixia]

That’s because 80% of the book would be about my political acumen.