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@strike-the-zither
FOR THE LAST TIME MY COMMISSIONS ARE CLOSED! PERMANENTLY! IM TURNING OFF MY ASKBOX! I don't want to name names, but SOME PEOPLE are being super insensitive right now. my best friend Jing Ke has died after failing to assassinate the warmongering tyrant of Qin and I'm going into hiding to avoid being killed in retaliation. now is NOT a good time to keep pestering me for song requests! PLEASE respect my privacy during this difficult time!
so you're a tiger dating men, huh? you need to put your teeth in your dogboys? well you're on the right corner of the internet for that your highness
finally! im glad you peons finally grasp the analogy!
-_- who’s going to tell him
-_-
I worked so hard to free you all…
i have the chance to do something so funny right now
Quick everyone!!! REBLOG!!!
tremble before the might of my QIN ARMY you illiterate, illegitimate, ill-begotten COUNTRY BUMPKIN! attack, my patriotic citizens! (and the conscripted forces who have no choice in the matter)
I famously overthrew the Qin dynasty, going from a peasant to one of the most beloved emperors of China. Meanwhile. Qin "Shi Huang" over there was a tyrant whose dynasty lasted a whopping….14 years. Oops.
ha. ha. lmao, even. quick show of hands, peasants, who among you wants to keep living under the powerful arm of an absolute monarch, who controls a centralised government that builds you roads, dykes and waterways--oh, would you look at that, emperor Han Gaozu himself is first in line! even the HATERS and LOSERS want to keep perpetuating the system i created because they do not have the VISION to come up with anything BETTER or MORE INFLUENTIAL. would Liu Bang, the back-stabber and baby-tosser, like to talk about what he contributed to the next 2000 years of Chinese history?
um -_- off the top of my head -_- here are a list of modern words that are named after the Han dynasty
汉字: Chinese writing, (lit: script of the Han)
汉语: chinese language, (lit: language of the Han)
汉服: traditional clothes, (lit: Han costume)
汉: Han ethnic group, which makes up 99% of china's population
好汉: hero/brave person, (lit: a good Han)
汉堡包: hamburger, (lit: Han Fortress Bun)
jianli, sweetie, i'm not so sure about the last one...
sorry im just so hungry right now
-_-
I worked so hard to free you all…
i have the chance to do something so funny right now
Quick everyone!!! REBLOG!!!
tremble before the might of my QIN ARMY you illiterate, illegitimate, ill-begotten COUNTRY BUMPKIN! attack, my patriotic citizens! (and the conscripted forces who have no choice in the matter)
I famously overthrew the Qin dynasty, going from a peasant to one of the most beloved emperors of China. Meanwhile. Qin "Shi Huang" over there was a tyrant whose dynasty lasted a whopping….14 years. Oops.
ha. ha. lmao, even. quick show of hands, peasants, who among you wants to keep living under the powerful arm of an absolute monarch, who controls a centralised government that builds you roads, dykes and waterways--oh, would you look at that, emperor Han Gaozu himself is first in line! even the HATERS and LOSERS want to keep perpetuating the system i created because they do not have the VISION to come up with anything BETTER or MORE INFLUENTIAL. would Liu Bang, the back-stabber and baby-tosser, like to talk about what he contributed to the next 2000 years of Chinese history?
um -_- off the top of my head -_- here are a list of modern words that are named after the Han dynasty
汉字: Chinese writing, (lit: script of the Han)
汉语: chinese language, (lit: language of the Han)
汉服: traditional clothes, (lit: Han costume)
汉: Han ethnic group, which makes up 90% of china's population
好汉: hero/brave person, (lit: a good Han)
汉堡包: hamburger, (lit: Han Fortress Bun)
This “reading” thing is fascinating…listening to other people’s perspectives deepens the human experience and could inform my benevolent rule!
#unreality
No, no, wait a minute. I think he might have a point here.
블로그 삭제!!!!!!
You're right! A phonemic alphabetic syllabary based on the actual pronunciation of the words in the language used is certainly a much more conducive way of encouraging literacy among the greater population, allowing the common folk to express (in writing) concepts and terms which the written ideograms of the great Middle Kingdom are not well-suited for (given the great differences in our languages)!
Such increased literacy would allow even the common folk of our kingdom to read the great works of the Confucianists, thus promoting loyalty, filial piety, and virtuous behavior!
I'll have my scholars get to work on it right away!
LOL it seems we have met the anti-qin shi huang
I was going to cherrypick some highlights out of king sejong’s wikipedia to make him look good, but it turns out its basically all highlights
created think tanks and research grants for doctors and scholars
created an alphabet for the korean people that is easier to write AND better suited to the language.
disseminated ideas by establishing schools, cultural institutions, innovations the the printing press, and the preservation of rare books, leading to a flourishing of art, culture, and intellectual thought
elevated marginalised classes
created policies for the humane treatment of prisoners
forbade imprisonment of people over 70 or under 15
maternity AND paternity leave
also did i mention he was taking steps to ease his son into politics and ensure a smooth transition of power, while he was still alive to do so?
FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS
LOOK! he failed to totally unify the coinage! AND HE STOLE MY DESIGN!!!!!
AHAHAHAHA WHAT A FAILURE YOU’RE OWNED YOU’RE SO OWNED
um -_- his face is literally on the money -_-
i just apolitically killed the king like i have no agenda or whatever im just the jester here but i stabbed him anyway LOL all the courtiers and advisors are trying really hard to figure out who did it LOL all of them wanted him dead but they dont know whose scheme it was so nobody can promulgate a coherent political maneuver based on the circumstances LOL just playing my lute #MyLute
@strike-the-zither in another, kinder world
I can dream UnU
I have just finished Zhou Xiaowen's visionary & lavishly produced Ying Zheng/Gao Jianli fanfic, The Emperor's Shadow (秦颂), in which the first emperor and his eldest daughter have an extended catfight over a cantankerous disagreeable musician, and I can recommend it wholeheartedly.
Slashy and/or unhinged highlights:
Ying Zheng: "I am rearranging my conquest schedule to pick up my soulmate"
the "who did this to you" moments
Gao Jianli's magical healing cock
the noble and the mighty living in fear of the princess stabbing their eardrums out (probably their brains too, it's a long needle)
Ying Zheng bodily moving his daughter out of the way so he can be the one to sit next to Gao Jianli
Jing Ke only gets to show Ying Zheng the map after claiming Jianli's finger is inside it ("Jianli cut off his finger?!? how could he DO THIS TO ME")
Ying Zheng cutting off some of his manly manly hair to save Gao Jianli's life
Ying Zheng: "STAHP you didn't say the blinding would HURT him"
the kneeling & swearing fealty
Ying Zheng knowing what Gao Jianli smells like
Gao Jianli finally discovering (after prior failed attempts) what will get Ying Zheng to kill him: taking a slow and excruciating poison
"dage"
Unfortunately, (1) Gao Jianli plays the qin u_u (understandable, zhu refs are hard to find. ask me how i know) (2) Jing Ke is barely there (but you can read @its-not-a-pen's ode to grief which works the film dynamic back into a more historical setting and restores the Jing Ke angst to its proper place)
i should call him…
u should hang up
wow;,,thats acruskly so hurtful i cant believe anyone could be so heartless. anfter everythig ive done for you,,,,,,,,
YOU WAGED A WAR OF CONQUEST AGAINST THE SIX STAES. KILLED THE MAN I LOVED MOST IN THE WORLD. BLINDED ME. AND TURNED ME INTO A CAPTIVE SONGBIRD, WHO PLAYS EXCLUSIVELY FOR YOUR PLEASURE
I have just finished Zhou Xiaowen's visionary & lavishly produced Ying Zheng/Gao Jianli fanfic, The Emperor's Shadow (秦颂), in which the first emperor and his eldest daughter have an extended catfight over a cantankerous disagreeable musician, and I can recommend it wholeheartedly.
Slashy and/or unhinged highlights:
Ying Zheng: "I am rearranging my conquest schedule to pick up my soulmate"
the "who did this to you" moments
Gao Jianli's magical healing cock
the noble and the mighty living in fear of the princess stabbing their eardrums out (probably their brains too, it's a long needle)
Ying Zheng bodily moving his daughter out of the way so he can be the one to sit next to Gao Jianli
Jing Ke only gets to show Ying Zheng the map after claiming Jianli's finger is inside it ("Jianli cut off his finger?!? how could he DO THIS TO ME")
Ying Zheng cutting off some of his manly manly hair to save Gao Jianli's life
Ying Zheng: "STAHP you didn't say the blinding would HURT him"
the kneeling & swearing fealty
Ying Zheng knowing what Gao Jianli smells like
Gao Jianli finally discovering (after prior failed attempts) what will get Ying Zheng to kill him: taking a slow and excruciating poison
"dage"
Unfortunately, (1) Gao Jianli plays the qin u_u (understandable, zhu refs are hard to find. ask me how i know) (2) Jing Ke is barely there (but you can read @its-not-a-pen's ode to grief which works the film dynamic back into a more historical setting and restores the Jing Ke angst to its proper place)
i should call him…
u should hang up
Ying Zheng:
No marriage no wife
‘Founder’ of a 14 year ‘dynasty’
So insecure he had to invent new pronouns and trademark a homophone for his name
Legalist loser
Book-burning thought policer
Mercury guzzler
Han Gaozu:
Cool smart wife the best wife uh prettiest wife um no concubine could compare
Founder of a 400 year dynasty
Based Confucian
No recreational mercury imbibing
Freed slaves, reduced corvée labour demands, reduced taxes
HOT BOYFRIEND <33333
it was MEDICAL mercury imbibing
that’s right! I believe anything a doctor tells me because one of them saved my life in the past!
How did he save your life?
Bixia, can I interest you in GEICO(tm) Car insurance?
very well, I shall make sacrifices to the mighty geico dragon during my next trip to mount tai, so that he will protect my royal carriages from harm and misfortune.
LOL some LOSERS just tried to assassinate me by throwing a LARGE HEAVY CONE at my royal carriage as i was passing by on my imperial tour but they FAILED because they were FOOLED by my CLEVER DECOY.
thank you mighty geico dragon! I shall sacrifice another 100 virgin boys and girls to you!
fml zhang liang has worse aim than me UnU
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ah yes i had forgotten my earlier decree:
My apologies, peons. An additional 100 non-binary virgins shall be sacrificed to appease the geico dragon's hunger, bringing the final sum of human sacrifices to 300 in total! #equality #listeningandlearning
STOP GIVING HIM IDEAS
Bixia, can I interest you in GEICO(tm) Car insurance?
very well, I shall make sacrifices to the mighty geico dragon during my next trip to mount tai, so that he will protect my royal carriages from harm and misfortune.
LOL some LOSERS just tried to assassinate me by throwing a LARGE HEAVY CONE at my royal carriage as i was passing by on my imperial tour but they FAILED because they were FOOLED by my CLEVER DECOY.
thank you mighty geico dragon! I shall sacrifice another 100 virgin boys and girls to you!
fml zhang liang has worse aim than me UnU
chu han contention dashboard simulator
👮♂️ sheriff-liu-bang follow hey chat, quick question, if i were to hypothetically lose some of the convict labourers i'm suppose to be guarding, what would the hypothetical punishment be here? time-sensitive question.
#delete later
12 notes
hi peon, thanks for reaching out! this is punishable by death. hope that helps!
👮♂️ sheriff-liu-bang
cool. cool cool. follow-up question, what if i hypothetically started searching for the escaped prisoners right away, but turned up for work a few days late?
being late for work is also punishable by death. hope that helps!
👮♂️ sheriff-liu-bang
ok. so if i figured i had nothing left to lose, released the rest of my prisoners, became their leader, and we openly rebelled against the state, that would be punishable by death too? hypothetically.
you got it!
🗡️ rebel-leader-liu-bang
thanks for clearing that up
glad to be of service :)
hey whats with the name change
hey its been a while since we heard from @rebel-leader-liu-bang i wonder what happened to him?
*gasp* Bixia, it WAS you who ran around the pillar with a ceremonial sword from the assassin...
..Very well done, managing to tire the assassin and cut his thigh. Forgive me for not immediately recognising you. 🙇🏼♀️
(want to so much ask about Wu Zetian for laughs even though there's hundreds of years difference and I actually don't know how Chinese afterlife works for emperors)
exactly! i BRAVELY and NOBLY ran away from the treacherous assassin until i VERY ELEGANTLY pulled my sword out and cut him down in a very HEROIC, BADASS, MASCULINE way.
as for wu zetain, i view all subsequent emperors after me as worthless pretenders to the throne, but he might be the least unbearable of the bunch. i admire the way he clung to power in his old age, kept his sons from succeeding him, and used the eunuchs to create a paranoid police-state that kept all his ministers on their toes, terrified to say or do anything that could lead to them being denounced by their fellows. now THAT'S how you run a successful government!
WU ZETIAN IS A WOMAN YOU DORK ASS LOSER
that's impossible, only men can be emperors. what's next, are you going to say hua mulan is a woman too?
who's going to tell him -_-
MAN FUCK YOU
bixia, this servant has heard that seditious peasants are shipping jing ke x gao jianli, performing tales of their amorous exploits etc. what in your imperial wisdom should be done?? there’s also a group that does zhaoli (zhao gao x li si) if that’s more your taste
that is so horrible. where’s the link.
where’s the link peon
hey, quick question 🙋♂️ what was the loyal minister @romanceyourdemons doing at the Kejian + Zhaoli Yaoi Club? 🤔
@swordsman-jing-ke don’t you drag me into this just because you’re mad you didn’t get invited to play yourself. gao jianli is a better actor than you and we both know that, there’s NO NEED to stir up drama
omg jing ke its not what it looks like i swear!!! you’re still #1 in my heart, i just lost focus and starred in a consensual workplace rpf play, it doesn’t mean anything
Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills
Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--
OH FUCK GUARDS GUARDS
no, i don't know how this peon managed to hide a poisoned dagger inside a medicine gourd, maybe it was grown around it from seed? there are many mysteries in the world NOW WILL YOU QUIT STANDING AROUND AND STAB THIS FUCKER
WEAR A LONG SWORD THEY SAID. IT WILL LOOK COOL THEY SAID. WHO CARES IF IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DRAW WHEN YOU'RE BEING CCHASED AROUND THE THRON E ROOM
parasite in chief in his idiot hat
Delete this immediately
Hope you enjoy having your kingdom conquered, your soldiers decimated and your people enslaved, idiot.
Ohhh but that would be the second time its happened, wouldn’t it? First the Kingdom of Wei and now Yan. I really ought to make you an honorary ambassador of Qin as well, Mr Jing Ke, you’ve done so much more for my kingdom than you ever did for your own, by virtue of being so utterly incompetent. Shall I get your beloved Gao Jianli to compose a sad ode for you? I’m sure I can spare him for a few minutes. LMAO.
What’s the matter @swordsman-jing-ke ? Feeling a little tongue-tied? Shall i get my court physician to attend to you?
