Darcy could always try. Peter frankly wasnât sure heâd let Darcy touch him. Because how long had it been since Darcy had been able to? How long had it been since Darcy was in love with him? For peter, it was a week. For darcy, five years. He didnât want to have this conversation, didnât want to hear Darcy talk about it. He didnât want to be rejected again. There had been a reason heâd avoided the other man. He didnât want to have to start over. There wasnât a break, for him. Theyâd never broken up. They should still be together. But it wasnât true for Darcy. The older man had moved on. Heâd had to, and peter didnât blame him for that. Peter wasnât mad at him. Darcy had done what was normal. But that didnât make it any easier.
Peter just watched Darcy pace from where he stood, the action making him dizzy. He eventually had to close his eyes to try and ward off the headache that was getting worse watching his ex pace back and forth in front of him. Part of him wanted to tell Darcy that now wasnât a good time. It wasnât fair to spring this conversation on him now, not while he was still grieving. His dad had just died. And the one person he wanted to talk to had lived without him for a total of five years. It feltâŠpainful. âYou think I can?â Was Peterâs quiet response, his expression not changing. Peter wasnât the same person Darcy had known, either. He didnât know how much of him could be salvaged. It seemed too difficult at the moment.
Peter was doing his best to compartmentalize. To completely forget the love of his life, that heâd seen just the week before. That heâd been in the middle of moving in with. Peter just took a breath when Darcy started speaking again. âYou moved on.â His voice was quiet. Hoarse, still, from disuse. âIâm not angry. But we both know that happened.â There was a moment of silence. âAnd I havenât. Because I just saw you last week.â Peter pulled the hem of his sleeve down over his hand. His words only made tears slip down Peterâs face, turning to stare at the wall instead of Darcy as he cried. âPleaseâŠâ He whispered. He didnât know what he was about to ask. He didnât want to hear about Darcyâs pain, not if there wasnâtâŠsomething. And he knew that wasnât fair in any way, but it still hurt. They hadnât broken up. And Darcy had had five years to get over Peterâs death. At the mention of his former mentor, Peterâs face crumpled completely and he let out a quiet sob. He did his best to repress that part but it was too hard. The pain was too fresh and the one person - the one person - heâd wanted to go to for reassurance wasnât available. And he still wasnât, not really. Not the way peter needed him. âMr. Stark died,â he whispered, voice cracking. Darcy knew. That was the reason Pepper was trying to give the company to him. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, taking a deep shuddery breath. âAnd I donât know what you want to do. Youâve moved on. And IâmâŠâ His voice cracked again, another soft little noise of pain. âIâm still in love with you.â Or the Darcy he remembered. He couldnât be that different, now. But it didnât matter. Because he already knew, somewhere in him, that things wouldnât be fixed. Darcy wouldnât really want to. He was twenty-seven and wouldnât want to go back to the man heâd loved five years before. Especially if said man was nineteen and now stuck with PTSD and caught in a deep depression.
It felt like an accusation. You moved on. Darcy wanted to protest that it wasnât fair and he hadnât wanted to move on, but after those years he had been left with no other choice. Peter said that he wasnât angry, and that was believable enough â if only for the fact that Darcy could see the otherâs sadness written all over his face, obliterating any other potential emotions. He closed his eyes. âIâm so sorry,â he whispered. Looking at Peter any longer was unbearable; Darcy knew heâd undoubtedly break down if their eyes met again. All the loss heâd felt in recent years was threatening to break loose. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he exhaled shakily, his hands trembling as he crossed his arms over his chest to contain them. Finally, he had to open his eyes again. He blinked hard as he looked at Peter again. Almost everything about him was exactly as Darcy remembered â his hair as messy as it had always been when he woke up in the morning, though it was now a mess due to sleep deprivation and stress.
âI would have waited if Iâd thought there was any chance of you coming back.â Heâd thought that such a statement should have been obvious, but maybe it hadnât occurred to Peter. âIâ I donât know what I want to do.â It would be easy to say that everything would be okay, to sit next to Peter and wrap him up in a hug, to promise that somehow they would get over everything and be together again. it wouldnât solve anything, though. There would still be an additional five years lost between them. Still, it would be just as impossible to walk away and forget what they had once been. The last thing he wanted was to cause Peter any more pain than he as already in. There was no right answer, nothing he could do that would fix the situation they were in. After another long minute of deliberating, he drew a little closer to Peter.
Eyes downcast, he mulled over what to say. âI wish I could do or say something to make this easier. These are the worst circumstances I can think of, and I donât think either of us are at fault. Weâre just stuck in this cesspool of trying to figure out where to go from here.â Darcy rubbed at his temples before running a hand through his hair, looking anxiously around the room. âI never stopped caring about you. I thought about you. I loved you, too.â He stopped, his voice suddenly becoming choked. âMaybe I still do. I donât know. I donât know anything.â He wanted so badly to rush to Peter and hold onto him but it felt as though such an action would end poorly. âWe canât⊠decide anything too soon, I guess. Neither of us need to be any more hurt than we really are.â It crossed his mind that theyâd be able to try to be together again but the path to making it work seemed as though it would be long and difficult for both of them. The alternative of walking away, though? That would be even worse.