(1/2) Toni what do you think of unconventional pronouns? Like dae/daem or bun/buns? Because Im thinking of trying some out as I think they might make me more comfortable with my gender (agender) and im not sure if theyre bad for the trans community
(2/2) or not… I thought id ask you because I consider you the authority on trans issues because you’re so well educated and all.. sorry if im wasting your time
You are not wasting my time.
I will be perfectly blunt: I screw up NB/GNC/AG pronouns all the time. I don’t mean to, I put effort into not doing so, but especially if I know the person and I am excited to see them, it seems like I screw it up *every single time*.
Really. It is horribly embarrassing, but there it is. Which is why I put more effort into it online and in writing, where you have the time and chance to think about what you are saying to a greater degree than you do when you run into a person unexpectedly and shove your foot in your mouth in a public place.
Personally, I get annoyed when at trans specific functions when I have to give out my pronouns. It is why I am Empress of the KNown Universe — I needed to inject a bit of fun into the process, and make it less monotonous. I really do give my pronouns as Empress, Queen, Her Majesty, etc.
When I do trainings, I do a pronoun exercise often. Once in a while, and usually the smart ass sorts, I will get an It, or a Dagger, or a Conch shell or pick a word.
And when that happens, I mark that person, and for the rest of the training, I will use the right pronouns that they supplied in depth. Because it *does* matter.
This does not harm the Trans community. Indeed, the arguments that it does are always based in respectability politics. Those arguments serve to appease and please those who oppress us, and work to stop the expansion of how trans people are to be seen — those arguments are no different than saying that really ugly trans women shouldn’t transition, or really pretty trans men shouldn’t transition.
It is the trans equivalent of telling young men to pull their pants up. Even if they do, it doesn’t change the way treat them. Using “regular” pronouns doesn’t change the way we are treated — in practice and reality, the only time anyone uses masculine pronouns for me is online.
Never offline. Not even accidentally — or at least, not in a long time. Even if they know I am trans.
I teach trans folk to do typically gendered activities and the higher edge stuff as a part of the services we offer. Makeup or shaving and stuff like that. I do it because people ask for those things, but when I do I point out that we aren’t here to meet their expectations of how a man or a woman is supposed to be, we are here to expand those ideas, and that expansion includes things besides men and women.
Such as NB/GNC/AG folks. And that means that in English we need something besides “It” and “They” for pronouns. What they are doesn’t matter.
In practical terms, and insofar as the whole sociologist in me, I will note that pretty much the most your going to get is one or two additions, and that They is going to become the default, in terms of linguistic patterns and historio-cultural systems.
So the truth is that bun and bin and boo probably aren’t gong to endure or make it into the mainstream and will mark people as outside and it’ll sting, but even that does not mean that those people shouldn’t be treated with respect and dignity that are the minimums.
So to me, people who bitch and moan about folks using those pronouns “being bad for trans” are really saying that those things embarrass them, and my reaction to that is who the fuck cares if you are embarrassed. You aren’t the one asking for those pronouns and you sure as hell haven’t encountered much of the broader community so, um, yeah, get over your damn self.
As an advocate and activist, I have found that often starting with those unusual pronouns (I really do like the boo’s) serves as a way to engage people more effectively without making them overly uncomfortable. And they lead into better questions (and ultimately more questions) and if someone close to those people asks about them, then educate them.
But down say how bad people who use unusual pronouns are. That’s just being a transphobe yourself, and transphobia is the problem, not the solution.
So I think its fine. I will probably fuck it up, but that isn’t their problem — that’s my problem.
