To learn about you is, frankly, provocative.

[unusual-suspects]

i killed my drunk self

i know that sounds harsh. but i did. she was desperate to die like a martyr. our shared mind was a war zone, and every day was a battle against instability.

for years, i'd used her like a crutch. summoning this horrible alter ego to handle things i thought the real me couldn't deal with.

of course, like any toxic relationship, we had our ups and downs. it started getting bad when i was trapped in a cabin in maine for five months through the long winter, and got better when i had more joy in my life. got worse during the onset of the pandemic, and even worse still when i went into healthcare. few things break your spirit more than working in healthcare during a pandemic. i relied on her to get me through dark nights and lonely holidays.

one night, after a long period with binging, she broke.

"i have got to stop drinking" she'd told my husband, tearfully, in a blackout. i don't remember.

but he did. he told me, the next morning, that he thought it was time to put her to rest. that she wanted to go.

it was the ethical thing to do, after all. she was anxious and in constant pain. so i did the right thing and put her down.

on 2/22/2022, i laid her down for her forever sleep.

sometimes, i have thought about resurrecting her. to face the things i can't. but instead, i face them anyway.

she deserves to rest.

and i deserve to live.

[extremely-ace]

I feel like I never see people talk about how much plant/animal symbolism there is in TSH, but it actually might’ve been my favorite thing when reading it.

My favorite one was probably the wasps. Very early on, we see Richard describing the wasps at Hampden, and later on one reappears at Bunny’s funeral, where Charles kills it. After that moment, wasps aren’t mentioned again. However, bees are. Wasps, that symbolize chaos and territoriality are replaced by bees, that symbolize purity and community. It feels to me as thought the act of killing the wasp is just like the act of killing Bunny, it allows Richard to finally feel like he belongs.

I have seen people talk about the ferns. Before they kill Bunny, Henry says they’re looking for ferns, and Mrs. Corcoran receives pots of them before the funeral. Ferns symbolize everlasting youth, and new beginnings. The specific ferns that Henry gets after they kill Bunny, Spleenwort, symbolize growth and resilience.

The African Violets that are practically dead, according to Mrs. Corcoran, represents loyalty. They’re common Mother’s Day gifts. I find this really interesting specifically because they’re dying. Something about Mrs. Corcoran feeling ashamed of how she thinks Bunny died.

The Lyceum, where Julian’s office is, is covered by ivy (eternity, enduring love, and a protective, creeping attachment).

The birch tree that Richard first sees symbolizes new beginnings and purification (only a few pages after Richard says he feels like his existence is tainted).

The postcard that Richard sends to his mother after his first class with Julian has “fiery maples” on it, a symbol of wisdom and transformation.

At Bunny’s funeral, there’s Gladiola (remembrance, but also moral integrity), chrysanthemum (longevity), and palm (victory, peace, resilience). Mrs. Corcoran has a bouquet of rosebuds (youth, purity, new beginnings). Richard also mentions crows (death, wisdom) and beetles (transformation, cycle of life).

After the funeral, in Richard’s dream, he mentions hydrangea (purity and innocence, they’re popular at weddings, which gets me because they’ve just been to a funeral, arguably the opposite) and evergreens (immortality, life triumphing death).

When returning to Hampden, he describes honeysuckle (nostalgic memories, intertwined bonds) and lilac (renewal). Henry puts peonies in Julian’s office, symbols of the fleeting nature of life.

I could go on about Henry’s garden, but that’d take forever. But I will say that he mentions getting rid of spider mites, which symbolize hidden, creeping destruction (this reminds me of the ivy outside Julian’s office).

The black flies after Richard bails Charles out of jail symbolize sin and impurity. The flowers Richard and Francis bring Charles in the hospital symbolize new beginnings. When the return to Francis’s country home, it mentions bees again, and lilac (nostalgia).