あ ─── ❝ Twisted Wonderland x reader!
𝐍𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐚 𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 <𝟑 .ᐟ
featuring — Riddle : Leona : Azul : Jamil : Vil : Idia : Malleus.
Riddle first discovered your terrible habit during a study session in Heartslabyul.
He had stepped into the lounge expecting silence and discipline, only to freeze at the sight of you sitting comfortably with an entire grilled cheese sandwich in one hand and an absurdly large glass bottle of milk in the other. His eyes narrowed immediately as he slowly lowered the stack of papers in his arms.
"You're lactose intolerant" he said flatly.
You took another bite while looking directly at him. "Only technically"
At first, he genuinely thought you were joking. Surely nobody would willingly eat cheese and drink milk knowing the consequences waiting for them later. Yet twenty minutes afterward, he found you dramatically folded over one of the couches, groaning into a pillow. Trey quietly waiting for you with some tea from the sidelines while Cater tried not to laugh loudly enough for Riddle to hear.
Meanwhile, Riddle stood over you with his arms crossed so tightly it looked painful.
"This was entirely preventable."
"I regret...nothing" you mumbled weakly.
"You absolutely should regret it!"
The worst part was that this happened repeatedly. Riddle would catch you sneaking cheese tarts from the kitchen, eating cream pasta during lunch, or pouring condensed milk into your coffee like you were trying to challenge fate itself. Every single time, he lectured you with increasing exasperation.
And every single time, you answered with complete confidence, "The more lactose I eat, the more I'll build tolerance."
"That is not how it works!"
"But what if my body adapts?"
"Your body is currently declaring war against you!"
Eventually, Riddle developed the exhausted patience of a man who had accepted defeat. He still scolded you, of course. He always would. But now he also carried medicine in his pocket "just in case" which only encouraged you further because clearly he was enabling you. He hated that you were right about that.
One evening, he caught you halfway through another cheese sandwich and sighed so deeply it sounded like he had already expected this.
You smiled innocently. "But lovable?"
Riddle pinched the bridge of his nose before quietly sliding a glass of water toward you anyway.
Leona discovered your complete lack of self-preservation after finding you beneath a tree one afternoon, enjoying a peaceful picnic by yourself.
A peaceful picnic that consisted entirely of cheese.
You were happily eating a cheese sandwich and cheese crackers. There was also an entire carton of milk besides your knee. The moment he saw it, his eyes narrowed lazily.
"You got a death wish or something?"
"Ain't you lactose intolerant?"
You shrugged. "Life is about risks"
Leona stared at you for a long moment before snorting under his breath.
"That's the dumbest thing I've heard all week."
You ignored him and continued happily eating and drinking.
About an hour later, he found you lying face-down across his bed, looking utterly defeated while clutching your stomach dramatically. Leona sat nearby, watching with absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. In fact, he looked vaguely entertained.
"Told you not to eat all that."
You weakly lifted a finger.
"My body just needs exposure therapy."
Leona barked out a laugh so sudden it startled even him.
"Exposure therapy? You sound like an idiot."
Despite all his insults, Leona somehow always noticed before you started feeling sick. If he saw you approaching with dairy products, he immediately grabbed them away with one hand while holding your forehead back with the other.
"No, but unlike you, I got survival instincts."
Sometimes, you manage to sneak dairy snacks anyway. Leona would inevitably catch you later, curled up miserably in his bed while regretting every life choice that had led you to this moment. He always acted annoyed whenever your suffering interrupted his peace and quiet, yet he never actually pushed you away. Instead, he would plop down beside you, and lazily rest a hand on your back while grumbling under his breath.
"You're building stomach problems."
One afternoon, after catching you eating cheesecake for the third time that week, Leona simply sighed and tossed a blanket over your shoulders before flopping back down beside you.
"At least suffer quietly so I can sleep."
Azul took your lactose intolerance personally.
Not because he cared about dairy specifically, but because he could not comprehend how someone could continuously make such irresponsible decisions regarding their own health. The first time he witnessed it was inside the VIP room of the Mostro Lounge. You were happily eating Alfredo pasta covered in parmesan while sipping a milkshake at the same time.
Azul nearly dropped his pen.
"(name) " he said slowly, "aren't you lactose intolerant?"
You nodded while chewing.
"...And you ordered extra cheese?"
"The flesh is weak" Jade added smoothly from nearby.
Floyd nearly fell out of his chair laughing.
Azul spent the next several hours listening to your miserable complaints while you lay dramatically across one of the lounge sofas, clutching your stomach. He looked deeply offended on your behalf despite the fact that this was entirely self-inflicted.
The truly horrifying part for Azul was your confidence. Every time he tried to stop you, you answered with complete certainty.
"The more lactose I eat, the more I'll tolerate it."
Azul stared at you as if you had personally insulted the Mostro Lounge.
"That is not medically sound."
"I absolutely do know that!"
Eventually, Azul started researching lactose intolerance out of pure frustration. He bought lactose-free alternatives, had the kitchen prepare special meals, and even tried convincing you with logic charts and nutritional breakdowns. None of it worked because the moment your eyes landed on real cheese, all reason vanished instantly.
One evening, he caught you secretly eating ice cream from the freezer at midnight. You froze like a criminal caught in the act.
Azul sighed heavily before handing you medicine and a glass of water.
"At least sit closer to me this time so I can monitor the damage."
Jamil noticed your habit quietly at first.
You would casually steal yogurt drinks from Scarabia's kitchen, eat buttery curries loaded with cream, or snack on cheese-filled bread while pretending nothing was wrong. At first, he assumed your intolerance might be mild.
Then he watched you spend an entire evening curled up miserably on one of couches after drinking a cup of sweet milk tea.
"You do realize this keeps happening because you keep eating dairy."
You pointed weakly at him.
"Counterpoint... it tastes good."
"That's not a counterpoint."
Unlike the others, Jamil actually tried preventing disaster before it happened. If he saw you reaching for dairy, he would smoothly redirect your attention elsewhere. Suddenly, there would be fruit in your hands instead of cheesecake. Somehow, your milk would get replaced with juice before you even noticed.
Unfortunately, you were stubborn.
One afternoon, he walked into the kitchen and caught you making an absurd cheese sandwich stacked so high it looked criminal. There was also a jug of milk sitting beside you.
"Are you trying to kill yourself?"
"No. I'm increasing my tolerance."
He looked like he was praying for patience.
"You've been saying that for months."
"And one day I'll be right."
"You've literally only gotten worse."
Despite all his lectures, Jamil always took care of you afterward anyway. He brewed herbal tea, preparing the heating pad and muttered complaints the entire time while making sure you were comfortable.
"You're unbelievably irresponsible."
"...Because if I leave you alone, you'll somehow find a way to make it worse."
The next day, he caught you eyeing a yogurt drink again and immediately narrowed his eyes.
Vil considered your lactose habit a personal attack on common sense.
The first time he witnessed it, you were sitting in Pomefiore's lounge, eating macaroni drenched in cheese sauce while happily drinking strawberry milk. Vil had walked in mid-conversation and stopped so abruptly that even Rook noticed.
You looked up innocently.
"Aren't you lactose intolerant?"
"So why are you consuming enough dairy to destroy a small village?"
"Because suffering is temporary. Cheese is forever."
Rook looked delighted by your answer. Vil looked one second away from a stress-induced migraine.
Later that night, Vil found you dramatically suffering beneath several blankets while complaining about your stomach. He stood at the foot of your bed with the expression of someone who had predicted a disaster long before it happened.
"And yet you still drank the milk."
"It completed the meal emotionally."
Vil closed his eyes briefly, as though he were praying for patience.
The worst part was your ridiculous theory. Every time he scolded you, you stubbornly insisted, "The more lactose I eat, the more my body will adapt."
Vil immediately responded "That is not how the digestive system works."
"But maybe mine is built different."
Despite his irritation, Vil eventually started carrying lactose pills for emergencies. He claimed it was because your constant suffering was disruptive to his schedule, but everyone knew better. Especially when he sighed dramatically before handing you medicine after catching you eating cheesecake once again.
"And yet you still take care of me."
Vil brushed your hair away from your face with surprising gentleness before muttering softly,
"Unfortunately, I've become attached to this disaster."
Idia discovered your lactose problem through pure horror.
You had been gaming together in his room for hours when he casually glanced over and saw you absolutely demolishing a four-cheese pizza while drinking chocolate milk straight from the carton. Idia froze mid-button press.
"Aren't you lactose intolerant?"
Idia looked genuinely frightened.
"Then WHY are you speedrunning digestive failure?!"
"That's not training! That's literally poison damage for you!"
About an hour later, you were curled up on the floor wrapped in a blanket while groaning dramatically. Idia sat nearby holding a heating pad and staring at you with the exhausted despair of a man witnessing a preventable tragedy.
"I literally watched this happen in real time."
"No pain..... no gain" you said weakly.
The cycle repeated constantly. Idia would see you buying milkshakes, cheesy ramen, ice cream, or cream-filled pastries, and every single time he reacted as though you were about to trigger a natural disaster.
"You absolutely cannot! You lose the boss battle every time!"
Still, despite all his panicking, Idia quietly memorized everything that helped afterward. He kept medicine stocked in his room, prepared heating pads before you even asked, and searched forums online at three in the morning for things like "How do I stop a stubborn person from eating dairy?"
One afternoon, after catching you eating cheesecake again, Idia stared at you silently for a long moment before speaking.
"You know what? Fine. I respect the commitment to the bit at this point."
"That somehow makes it worse."
Malleus did not initially understand lactose intolerance.
When he first saw you happily eating a toasted cheese sandwich with a large glass of milk beside you, he simply assumed humans enjoyed dairy very passionately. You certainly seemed happy enough while consuming it.
Then, later that evening, he found you curled miserably beneath several blankets, looking as though your soul had temporarily abandoned your body.
"Child of Man, are you cursed?"
You let out a weak groan from beneath the blankets.
"No. I'm lactose intolerant."
"Lilia explained this condition to me before."
His gaze shifted from your miserable expression to the empty glass of milk sitting nearby.
"...Yet you consumed the substance willingly."
Malleus looked utterly bewildered.
For a long moment, he simply stared at you as though trying to solve a riddle.
"You knowingly consumed something that would cause you suffering?"
"And you expected a different outcome?"
Malleus looked even more confused.
After learning the cause of your suffering, he genuinely attempted to prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, you were stubborn beyond reason. He would catch you eating cheesecake during tea parties, stealing extra cheese from dinner, or adding cream to your coffee despite being fully aware of the consequences waiting for you later.
Each time, he asked the same question.
And each time, you answered with complete confidence.
"The more lactose I eat, the more tolerant I'll become."
Malleus considered this carefully.
"It does not appear to be."
Every piece of evidence suggested otherwise.
Still, he watched over you patiently whenever your poor decisions caught up with you. He sat beside you while you complained dramatically, gently rubbing your back with surprising tenderness as he listened to your miserable rambling.
"You should avoid these foods."
"You say this moments before suffering."
"That's future me's problem."
Malleus actually laughed softly at that, though his expression remained fondly exasperated.
"Humans possess a remarkable ability to create their own misfortunes."
"That's one way to put it."
Over time, Malleus began quietly seeking lactose-free alternatives whenever possible. He would ask the kitchen staff questions, consult Lilia for advice, and occasionally present you with substitutes he hoped would satisfy your cravings.
Unfortunately, you still somehow managed to find real dairy.
One rainy evening, he discovered you sneaking cheese from the kitchen once again. You froze immediately under his stare, the evidence still in your hands.
For several seconds, neither of you spoke.
It was the sigh of a dragon who had finally accepted that some battles could never be won.
He stepped closer and gently took your hand.
"If you insist on battling your own stomach nightly" he murmured, amusement and resignation mingling in his voice, "then at least allow me to remain beside you afterward."
"Is that your way of saying you care about me?"
Malleus lifted your hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss against your knuckles.
"Child of Man" he said softly, "I believe I have made that quite obvious."
For once, you had no argument to offer.
── Sorry, I couldn't help myself with this one lol. I got inspired by a TikTok video and just had to write it.
Anyway, I'll go back to writing requests now <𝟑 .ᐟ
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