âThere is a strange sort of unspoken theory that once a woman has been raped, sex is no longer a viable option for her. Sex has been replaced by trauma, fear, pain, and anxiety. Iâm not saying this is never the case. Every survivorâs story and experience is different, but too often the assumption is that if you have been raped, you are sexually broken and forever unfixable. That sort of discourse is not healthy or empowering or even sympathetic. What I want to say is what I wish I had been told: rape is not a form of sex, it is a form of assault. Sex feels good. Assault is traumatizing. It is possible for sex to exist after rape because they are different experiences, just like itâs possible for you to still enjoy going out to eat even if you got food poisoning once. You might never go back to that restaurant again, but it doesnât mean you will get food poisoning every time you go out. Admittedly, I donât know what sex before rape is like. I lost my virginity to rape at 14. People are willing to give a lot of guidance on what a survivor is supposed to do after her rape. Do not change clothes. Do not shower. Have someone you trust take you to the hospital. Report it immediately to law enforcement. Reach out to loved ones, find a therapist, become an advocate for other survivors. But these are the things nobody told me about sex after rape: 1. Nobody tells you that youâll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Arenât you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldnât even be thinking about boys. Thatâs what got you in trouble in the first place. (Oh, hey rape culture, howâd you get here?) 2. Nobody tells you that youâll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though youâre pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think youâre a prude because you wonât take off your pants. 3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner youâll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. Youâll feel embarrassed and stupid and youâll wonder if youâre ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again. 4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice (OK, maybe your therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing youâre capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and youâre allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination. 5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. Your boundaries will be called âarbitraryâ and you will be accused of âwielding sex as a weaponâ and âputting yourself on a pedestal.â Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they will. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that. 6. Nobody tells you that the ârape talkâ will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as âbaggageâ when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they canât believe anyone would be capable of hurting you. 7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you donât like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity. 8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or a flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. Heâll leave if heâs asked and heâll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to. 9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyably have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only lasts two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you werenât sure you would be happy again. 10. Nobody tells you that it doesnât work that way every time. PTSD isnât cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better. 11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after youâve been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently. 12. Nobody tells you that just because heâs the first boy you slept with since your rape doesnât mean you have to fall in love with him. You donât âoweâ anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if heâs not âthe one,â donât settle just because he treated you better than your rapist. Youâre going to have good days and bad days. Youâre going to have good sex and bad sex. But youâre still alive, and I just thought maybe someone should tell you.â
